Fic: Down to the Bone: Chapter Fifteen.
Title: Down to the Bone
Rating: R
Warning: SENSITIVE and TRIGGERING material. AND ***WARNING*** This chapter deals with particularly sensitive subjects such as child abuse, mentions of rape, and sexual abuse.
Disclaimer: I don't own House M.D. or the characters. They belong to Fox and David Shore.
Summary: Cuddy develops an eating disorder. Takes place with House's old team.
Author's Note: I am always apologizing for getting this out to you sooo late. I am really sorry. I wanted to post this for days, but tests and school owns me.
(Chapter One. Chapter Two. Chapter Three.Chapter Four.Chapter Five.Chapter Six.Chapter Seven.Chapter Eight.Chapter Nine.Chapter Ten.Chapter Eleven.Chapter Twelve.Chapter Thirteen.Chapter Fourteen.)
It was several days later and Cuddy was reading in her room during their free time. Usually, the staff tried to get the residents involved in group activities, but they were permitted for alone time in their bedrooms as long as the doors were kept open.
Marie, the nurse, entered with a young woman. Cuddy looked up from her book and realized this must be her new roommate. A set of luggage had been put on the bed since before breakfast.
“Lisa.” Marie gave her a smile. “This is Kelsey. Kelsey, this is your roommate, Lisa.”
“Hi,” Cuddy greeted her softly.
“Hey,” Kelsey responded with a nod.
“I’ll let you get unpacked,” Marie told Kelsey. “Suitcases go under the bed when you’re done.”
Kelsey stepped into the room as Marie left them alone. Cuddy eyed her up her new roommate as she began to unpack. Kelsey had to be older than eighteen, but she looked as though she was fifteen. Her long dark hair was thin and tied in a braid down her back.
Cuddy tore her eyes away from her and continued to read. She thought of Billie for a moment, but pushed the image of her from her mind.
“You’re pretty old,” Kelsey spoke up and closed her dresser drawer.
“Thanks,” Cuddy replied a bit sarcastically as she looked up from her book.
“No, I mean... sorry.” Kelsey approached her. “That came out wrong. It’s just... most people I know with this are young.”
“Yeah, well...”
She went back to trying to read. Kelsey turned away from her and continued to unpack. She placed a few shirts in a dresser drawer.
“My mom sent me here,” Kelsey said. “I mean, I guess I agreed. But I didn’t really want to come. Not really.”
Cuddy closed her book and brought her eyes to the young woman.
“Do you want to get better?” she asked.
“Yes and no.” Kelsey sat down on the bed Billie used to occupy. “Yes because it’s not good for me to be this way. No because I don’t want to gain weight. I don’t like fat. I don’t want any fat on me.”
“You could build muscle,” Cuddy suggested.
Kelsey shrugged and flopped back on the bed. She let her thin legs dangle over the edge of the bed as she stared up at the ceiling.
“Does the food here suck?”
“No,” Cuddy answered. “But they make you eat it all.”
She sat back up, horrified. “Really? All of it? Every last bite?”
“Pretty much.” Cuddy nodded. “With a time limit.”
Kelsey flopped back down and let out a dramatic sigh. “I want to die.”
Cuddy set her book aside and stood from her bed. She wasn’t really up for a discussion about the facility and she didn’t really want to hear Kelsey whine. She headed for the door.
“Where you going?” Kelsey called from the bed.
“Bathroom.”
She left the room and walked down the hallway toward the bathroom. They were generally unmonitored during the day. It was usually only after mealtimes that a nurse was kept there to make sure there were no women trying to throw up what they ate.
Cuddy entered the bathroom and found it empty. There were three stalls on the left and three sinks on the right. Beyond that were the showers. She went into the last stall and tended to her business. A curse slipped from her lips when she noticed the blood.
It wasn’t that she didn’t want her period. She knew it meant she was not underweight and that she was healthy. But getting it meant she was not underweight and was a reinforcement that she had put much of her weight back on.
‘But,’ she reminded herself, ‘the goal was to put weight on and to be healthy again.’
Still feeling a little upset she washed her hands quickly and headed for the nurse’s station. Marie was behind the counter, typing on the computer. Cuddy stopped in front of the counter.
“Yes?” Marie asked, looking up at her.
“I need-” Cuddy lowered her voice. “I got my period and I don’t have any...”
“Oh.” Marie stood from her chair. “That’s good. Tampons or pads?”
“Tampons.” Cuddy continued to keep her voice low, a little embarrassed since she wasn’t aware of any of the other women having their periods.
Marie walked to the closet behind the counter and opened the door. She took out a purple box and brought it over to Cuddy.
“Here,” she said and gave her a smile as well.
“Thanks.”
Cuddy took the box and hurried out of the common area. She went for the bathroom, but Jess, the antagonist of the facility, caught up to her side before stepping in her way.
“Well that’s a huge step in the wrong direction,” Jess told her with a smirk.
Deciding to ignore her and not give in to her by responding, Cuddy attempted to move around her, but Jess continued to stay in front of her.
“First periods, then blubber,” she added.
Cuddy stopped moving and frowned at her. “Just leave me alone, Jess. It isn’t any of your business, all right?”
Jess glared. “You can talk down to me all you want-”
“I wasn’t.”
“But you’re the one packing on the pounds,” Jess went on. “You’re gaining back all that weight you worked so hard to lose. And for what? It’s weak. You were strong and now you’ve caved.”
“Would you shut up?” Cuddy rose her voice, gaining attention from some of the other residents. “If you don’t want to be here, then leave. All you’re doing is destroying the morale of the women wanting to get better. That’s sicker than even being here in the first place. If you want to starve to death while you’re here, the least you can do is have the decency to leave everyone else out of it.”
“What’s going on out here?” Marie spoke up, hands planted firmly on her hips as she stood in front of the common area.
“Nothing,” Jess immediately answered.
“Jessica, come into the common room,” Marie instructed. “Lisa, go back to what you were doing.”
Jess shot Cuddy a look before heading toward the common area. Cuddy watched her go for a moment before entering the bathroom and letting out a heavy sigh.
It was colder outside than usual. Cuddy picked up her pace as she walked over the expanse of the grounds. She liked going outside and getting fresh air, but being outside only made her think of how Billie was not outside; how her kids were left without a mother.
She stopped beside a tall tree and looked back toward the facility. She watched some of the other women. Most of them were sitting in the grass or on benches, talking. A few were walking around, a couple were writing.
“Want one?”
Cuddy jumped at the sound of the voice and looked toward the woman who resembled someone close to her own age. She was wearing dark, baggy clothes and her hair was long, messy, and dirty blonde. Cuddy recognized her from the facility, but didn’t know her name.
“Want one?” she repeated and extended an open pack of cigarettes.
“No, thanks,” Cuddy answered with a tight smile.
“‘Kay.” She pulled the pack back towards herself. “You lived with that chick who killed herself.”
“Yeah.” Cuddy nodded.
“Why’d she do it?” She took a long drag on her cigarette.
Cuddy gave a shrug. “I don’t know.”
“You lived with her,” she pointed out. “Did she seem a little off? A little down?”
“Why are you so interested?” Cuddy responded, becoming defensive.
“I’m a writer.” The woman flicked at her cigarette, causing some ash to fall. “Crazy shit fascinates me. Are you sure you don’t want one?” She held out her pack again. “Make you less hungry.”
“No,” Cuddy refused. “I need to eat if I want to get out.”
“You getting better?” she asked, cocking an eyebrow.
“I hope.”
The woman blew smoke from her mouth. “I’ve been in and out. I’ve been in about five facilities. Well, four. One of them was a psych ward. The rest were for this mess. I’m Liz, by the way.”
“Lisa,” Cuddy offered.
Liz smiled at her. “I know.”
“If you’ve been in four facilities like this, that means they never helped you,” Cuddy concluded.
“Well, the first two times, I didn’t want help,” Liz explained. “I was forced into it. Then I wanted to get better and I did for a while. But it came back. Like a cancer. Went into remission and the fucker came back. So what did you in?”
“What do you mean?” Cuddy stared at her, a bit confused.
“What caused it?” Liz rephrased. “You know, what made you snap?”
“I didn’t snap so much,” Cuddy said. “Well... not exactly. It’s... it’s a control thing... I guess. A lot of things have been...” She trailed off, trying to find her words. “I want a lot out of life, or I expect more, and I’ve been trying for a while to get the kind of life I imagined I would have and it wasn’t working... and somehow I wound up here.”
She fell silent and brought her gaze over to Liz. Liz was watching her and she took a long drag on her cigarette.
“Sorry if that doesn’t make sense,” Cuddy quickly added.
Liz shook her head. “Nah, it’s good.”
“What about you?” Cuddy asked. “You don’t talk much in group.”
“Neither do you.” Liz flicked her cigarette to the ground.
“I’m not used to it,” Cuddy replied, still not all that comfortable sharing her emotions with a group of women she hardly knew.
“I just think it’s lame.” Liz pulled another cigarette from the pack. “I mean, feelings... what the hell, you know? Right?”
“I guess.”
Liz placed the cigarette between her lips and lit up.
“You sure you don’t want in on one of these?”
“I’m sure.” Cuddy gave her another tight smile. “Thanks.”
She became quiet for a second time and kicked at a leaf on the ground. She knew there wasn’t much time left before they had to go in. Liz was staring toward the building, inhaling the vile toxins into her lungs.
“Do you think they’re helping you this time?” Cuddy spoke suddenly, breaking the silence. “Do you think it’ll go back into remission or... whatever?”
Liz shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“What brought you here?” Cuddy went on with her questioning. “Like what happened that...”
“What happened to me?” Liz responded.
“Yeah,” Cuddy agreed.
“You ever been raped?” Liz waited and Cuddy shook her head. She smirked. “Me neither. Incest is different.”
“Not if you didn’t want it,” Cuddy replied.
“What if I did?” She cocked an eyebrow, smirk still on her face, before she looked away.
Cuddy took a step closer to her. “With your father?”
“My mother.” Liz kept her eyes on the ground.
“Really?” Cuddy raised her eyebrows.
“It was real fucked up.” Liz brought her gaze back up, a smile on her face. “She was a crazy bitch. Dead now, though, so...” Her smile faded. “It’s not like I gotta impress anyone. Shit.”
She took a long last drag on her cigarette before dropping it to the ground.
“They’re calling us in.”
Cuddy had been so focused on Liz that she hadn’t noticed the other women were heading back indoors. Liz headed for the main building.
“See you around,” she called back to Cuddy.
Liz picked up her pace, leaving Cuddy behind. She stayed a moment longer, taking in Liz’s story and wondering if she had been messing with her. She seemed to have spoken lightly of the subject as if in jest.
Cuddy crushed the still burning cigarette with her shoe, putting it out, before walking toward the main building.
“Today we’re going to talk about relationships.”
Cuddy enclasped her hands together and glanced around at the other women in the group. She felt it was another meeting she’d remain silent in. It wasn’t like she had nothing to say, but she was never the type to share her problems with everyone.
“Mothers, fathers, children, husbands, boyfriends, aunts, uncles,” Noreen went on. “Any relationship. Good or bad. How did they make you feel? How did they contribute to your current condition? How did they help you to get better? Floor’s open.”
She listened for a while, the same old routine, but every once in a while, she would catch Liz’s eye. Liz would smirk and Cuddy had to look away in order to not smile while someone was crying while talking about their abusive mother.
As Noreen was relaying supportive information back to one of the women, a woman whose name Cuddy had forgotten, she forced herself to sit straighter in her chair. She raised a tentative hand.
“Yes, Lisa.” Noreen gave her a nod and a smile.
Cuddy’s eyes met Liz’s for a moment before she looked back at Noreen.
“I’d like to share,” Cuddy said. Noreen gave her an encouraging nod, so she continued, “I wasn’t good enough. Not entirely. My parents expected a lot out of me, nothing I couldn’t handle... and as I got older, I accomplished many things in my life.”
She drew in a deep breath, eyes scanning over the faces of those interested, some not so interested, and finally Liz.
“But I was failing when it came to finding someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and creating a family, having those people who I would love and would return that love. I wanted a husband, kids... but time was running out. And as I kept trying, kept dating, I found that I still wasn’t good enough. Something had to be wrong with me. It couldn’t be them.”
Cuddy paused a moment, swallowing hard. She lowered her eyes to her hands.
“And so I tried to be better. I tried to figure out what was wrong with me and I turned to my body.” She raised her head. “I guess that’s easier. Turning to the physical. It’s easier to change that than to try and turn criticisms inward. I ran more, ate less, and before I knew it... I was in way over my head. It brought me here.”
“How do you feel now?” Noreen asked. “About yourself?”
“I’m... ashamed I’ve led myself here,” Cuddy answered.
“There’s nothing to be ashamed about,” Noreen told her. “You’re getting help and you’re getting better. This is your first time sharing in group and that is a major step, Lisa.”
“I want to take a major step.”
It was Liz. All eyes were on her. She leaned back in her chair, smile on her face.
“Great, Liz,” Noreen responded. “Go ahead.”
“I was in love,” Liz began a bit dramatically. “Like... you know, like someone really cared about me and loved me just for being who I was. Of course, there was the sex.”
She let out a low, throaty laugh. Cuddy shifted in her chair, a little uncomfortable, but interested to see where Liz was taking this.
“I mean, it was a way of showing me that she loved me,” Liz continued. “And I wanted it too. Initiated it sometimes when she was mad at me. I didn’t know it was ‘wrong’ until I got older and realized other kids didn’t do it. I’d been fucking around with my mommy since I was five.” The smirk came back. “How’s that for a relationship?”
It was silent for a moment before a young woman with short red hair spoke up.
“You’re lying.”
Liz shot her a glare. “And you’re a manic depressive Jew virgin.”
“Liz, why do you have to be a bitch all the time?” another woman spoke up, but Cuddy couldn’t tell which one it was.
“I’m not a bitch, dyke,” Liz hotly replied.
“I’m not the one who slept with my mother,” the same woman retorted.
“Whoa,” Noreen cut in loudly. “Stop it.”
“Hey, asshole,” Liz was still directing her words to that same woman. “I’m trying to share my fucking feelings.” She looked to Noreen. “Isn’t that what you want, Noreen?”
“Liz, I’d like you to go down to my office,” Noreen told her. “Now, please.”
Liz stood up and stormed to the door. She stopped at it and glanced back at Cuddy, making eye contact, before leaving. Noreen rose to her feet.
“As for the rest of you, that kind of behavior and name calling is not tolerated,” she spoke very harshly. “Do you understand? This a safe place. The information shared here is personal and can be very painful to talk about.” She paused for a moment, letting her words sink in. “That’s all for today.”
Noreen headed out of the group circle and left the room. The women sat for a moment before going towards the door. Cuddy remained seated, thinking about all the progress she had made while also thinking of all that Liz may have undone in her own recovery.
Chapter Sixteen.
Rating: R
Warning: SENSITIVE and TRIGGERING material. AND ***WARNING*** This chapter deals with particularly sensitive subjects such as child abuse, mentions of rape, and sexual abuse.
Disclaimer: I don't own House M.D. or the characters. They belong to Fox and David Shore.
Summary: Cuddy develops an eating disorder. Takes place with House's old team.
Author's Note: I am always apologizing for getting this out to you sooo late. I am really sorry. I wanted to post this for days, but tests and school owns me.
(Chapter One. Chapter Two. Chapter Three.Chapter Four.Chapter Five.Chapter Six.Chapter Seven.Chapter Eight.Chapter Nine.Chapter Ten.Chapter Eleven.Chapter Twelve.Chapter Thirteen.Chapter Fourteen.)
It was several days later and Cuddy was reading in her room during their free time. Usually, the staff tried to get the residents involved in group activities, but they were permitted for alone time in their bedrooms as long as the doors were kept open.
Marie, the nurse, entered with a young woman. Cuddy looked up from her book and realized this must be her new roommate. A set of luggage had been put on the bed since before breakfast.
“Lisa.” Marie gave her a smile. “This is Kelsey. Kelsey, this is your roommate, Lisa.”
“Hi,” Cuddy greeted her softly.
“Hey,” Kelsey responded with a nod.
“I’ll let you get unpacked,” Marie told Kelsey. “Suitcases go under the bed when you’re done.”
Kelsey stepped into the room as Marie left them alone. Cuddy eyed her up her new roommate as she began to unpack. Kelsey had to be older than eighteen, but she looked as though she was fifteen. Her long dark hair was thin and tied in a braid down her back.
Cuddy tore her eyes away from her and continued to read. She thought of Billie for a moment, but pushed the image of her from her mind.
“You’re pretty old,” Kelsey spoke up and closed her dresser drawer.
“Thanks,” Cuddy replied a bit sarcastically as she looked up from her book.
“No, I mean... sorry.” Kelsey approached her. “That came out wrong. It’s just... most people I know with this are young.”
“Yeah, well...”
She went back to trying to read. Kelsey turned away from her and continued to unpack. She placed a few shirts in a dresser drawer.
“My mom sent me here,” Kelsey said. “I mean, I guess I agreed. But I didn’t really want to come. Not really.”
Cuddy closed her book and brought her eyes to the young woman.
“Do you want to get better?” she asked.
“Yes and no.” Kelsey sat down on the bed Billie used to occupy. “Yes because it’s not good for me to be this way. No because I don’t want to gain weight. I don’t like fat. I don’t want any fat on me.”
“You could build muscle,” Cuddy suggested.
Kelsey shrugged and flopped back on the bed. She let her thin legs dangle over the edge of the bed as she stared up at the ceiling.
“Does the food here suck?”
“No,” Cuddy answered. “But they make you eat it all.”
She sat back up, horrified. “Really? All of it? Every last bite?”
“Pretty much.” Cuddy nodded. “With a time limit.”
Kelsey flopped back down and let out a dramatic sigh. “I want to die.”
Cuddy set her book aside and stood from her bed. She wasn’t really up for a discussion about the facility and she didn’t really want to hear Kelsey whine. She headed for the door.
“Where you going?” Kelsey called from the bed.
“Bathroom.”
She left the room and walked down the hallway toward the bathroom. They were generally unmonitored during the day. It was usually only after mealtimes that a nurse was kept there to make sure there were no women trying to throw up what they ate.
Cuddy entered the bathroom and found it empty. There were three stalls on the left and three sinks on the right. Beyond that were the showers. She went into the last stall and tended to her business. A curse slipped from her lips when she noticed the blood.
It wasn’t that she didn’t want her period. She knew it meant she was not underweight and that she was healthy. But getting it meant she was not underweight and was a reinforcement that she had put much of her weight back on.
‘But,’ she reminded herself, ‘the goal was to put weight on and to be healthy again.’
Still feeling a little upset she washed her hands quickly and headed for the nurse’s station. Marie was behind the counter, typing on the computer. Cuddy stopped in front of the counter.
“Yes?” Marie asked, looking up at her.
“I need-” Cuddy lowered her voice. “I got my period and I don’t have any...”
“Oh.” Marie stood from her chair. “That’s good. Tampons or pads?”
“Tampons.” Cuddy continued to keep her voice low, a little embarrassed since she wasn’t aware of any of the other women having their periods.
Marie walked to the closet behind the counter and opened the door. She took out a purple box and brought it over to Cuddy.
“Here,” she said and gave her a smile as well.
“Thanks.”
Cuddy took the box and hurried out of the common area. She went for the bathroom, but Jess, the antagonist of the facility, caught up to her side before stepping in her way.
“Well that’s a huge step in the wrong direction,” Jess told her with a smirk.
Deciding to ignore her and not give in to her by responding, Cuddy attempted to move around her, but Jess continued to stay in front of her.
“First periods, then blubber,” she added.
Cuddy stopped moving and frowned at her. “Just leave me alone, Jess. It isn’t any of your business, all right?”
Jess glared. “You can talk down to me all you want-”
“I wasn’t.”
“But you’re the one packing on the pounds,” Jess went on. “You’re gaining back all that weight you worked so hard to lose. And for what? It’s weak. You were strong and now you’ve caved.”
“Would you shut up?” Cuddy rose her voice, gaining attention from some of the other residents. “If you don’t want to be here, then leave. All you’re doing is destroying the morale of the women wanting to get better. That’s sicker than even being here in the first place. If you want to starve to death while you’re here, the least you can do is have the decency to leave everyone else out of it.”
“What’s going on out here?” Marie spoke up, hands planted firmly on her hips as she stood in front of the common area.
“Nothing,” Jess immediately answered.
“Jessica, come into the common room,” Marie instructed. “Lisa, go back to what you were doing.”
Jess shot Cuddy a look before heading toward the common area. Cuddy watched her go for a moment before entering the bathroom and letting out a heavy sigh.
It was colder outside than usual. Cuddy picked up her pace as she walked over the expanse of the grounds. She liked going outside and getting fresh air, but being outside only made her think of how Billie was not outside; how her kids were left without a mother.
She stopped beside a tall tree and looked back toward the facility. She watched some of the other women. Most of them were sitting in the grass or on benches, talking. A few were walking around, a couple were writing.
“Want one?”
Cuddy jumped at the sound of the voice and looked toward the woman who resembled someone close to her own age. She was wearing dark, baggy clothes and her hair was long, messy, and dirty blonde. Cuddy recognized her from the facility, but didn’t know her name.
“Want one?” she repeated and extended an open pack of cigarettes.
“No, thanks,” Cuddy answered with a tight smile.
“‘Kay.” She pulled the pack back towards herself. “You lived with that chick who killed herself.”
“Yeah.” Cuddy nodded.
“Why’d she do it?” She took a long drag on her cigarette.
Cuddy gave a shrug. “I don’t know.”
“You lived with her,” she pointed out. “Did she seem a little off? A little down?”
“Why are you so interested?” Cuddy responded, becoming defensive.
“I’m a writer.” The woman flicked at her cigarette, causing some ash to fall. “Crazy shit fascinates me. Are you sure you don’t want one?” She held out her pack again. “Make you less hungry.”
“No,” Cuddy refused. “I need to eat if I want to get out.”
“You getting better?” she asked, cocking an eyebrow.
“I hope.”
The woman blew smoke from her mouth. “I’ve been in and out. I’ve been in about five facilities. Well, four. One of them was a psych ward. The rest were for this mess. I’m Liz, by the way.”
“Lisa,” Cuddy offered.
Liz smiled at her. “I know.”
“If you’ve been in four facilities like this, that means they never helped you,” Cuddy concluded.
“Well, the first two times, I didn’t want help,” Liz explained. “I was forced into it. Then I wanted to get better and I did for a while. But it came back. Like a cancer. Went into remission and the fucker came back. So what did you in?”
“What do you mean?” Cuddy stared at her, a bit confused.
“What caused it?” Liz rephrased. “You know, what made you snap?”
“I didn’t snap so much,” Cuddy said. “Well... not exactly. It’s... it’s a control thing... I guess. A lot of things have been...” She trailed off, trying to find her words. “I want a lot out of life, or I expect more, and I’ve been trying for a while to get the kind of life I imagined I would have and it wasn’t working... and somehow I wound up here.”
She fell silent and brought her gaze over to Liz. Liz was watching her and she took a long drag on her cigarette.
“Sorry if that doesn’t make sense,” Cuddy quickly added.
Liz shook her head. “Nah, it’s good.”
“What about you?” Cuddy asked. “You don’t talk much in group.”
“Neither do you.” Liz flicked her cigarette to the ground.
“I’m not used to it,” Cuddy replied, still not all that comfortable sharing her emotions with a group of women she hardly knew.
“I just think it’s lame.” Liz pulled another cigarette from the pack. “I mean, feelings... what the hell, you know? Right?”
“I guess.”
Liz placed the cigarette between her lips and lit up.
“You sure you don’t want in on one of these?”
“I’m sure.” Cuddy gave her another tight smile. “Thanks.”
She became quiet for a second time and kicked at a leaf on the ground. She knew there wasn’t much time left before they had to go in. Liz was staring toward the building, inhaling the vile toxins into her lungs.
“Do you think they’re helping you this time?” Cuddy spoke suddenly, breaking the silence. “Do you think it’ll go back into remission or... whatever?”
Liz shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“What brought you here?” Cuddy went on with her questioning. “Like what happened that...”
“What happened to me?” Liz responded.
“Yeah,” Cuddy agreed.
“You ever been raped?” Liz waited and Cuddy shook her head. She smirked. “Me neither. Incest is different.”
“Not if you didn’t want it,” Cuddy replied.
“What if I did?” She cocked an eyebrow, smirk still on her face, before she looked away.
Cuddy took a step closer to her. “With your father?”
“My mother.” Liz kept her eyes on the ground.
“Really?” Cuddy raised her eyebrows.
“It was real fucked up.” Liz brought her gaze back up, a smile on her face. “She was a crazy bitch. Dead now, though, so...” Her smile faded. “It’s not like I gotta impress anyone. Shit.”
She took a long last drag on her cigarette before dropping it to the ground.
“They’re calling us in.”
Cuddy had been so focused on Liz that she hadn’t noticed the other women were heading back indoors. Liz headed for the main building.
“See you around,” she called back to Cuddy.
Liz picked up her pace, leaving Cuddy behind. She stayed a moment longer, taking in Liz’s story and wondering if she had been messing with her. She seemed to have spoken lightly of the subject as if in jest.
Cuddy crushed the still burning cigarette with her shoe, putting it out, before walking toward the main building.
“Today we’re going to talk about relationships.”
Cuddy enclasped her hands together and glanced around at the other women in the group. She felt it was another meeting she’d remain silent in. It wasn’t like she had nothing to say, but she was never the type to share her problems with everyone.
“Mothers, fathers, children, husbands, boyfriends, aunts, uncles,” Noreen went on. “Any relationship. Good or bad. How did they make you feel? How did they contribute to your current condition? How did they help you to get better? Floor’s open.”
She listened for a while, the same old routine, but every once in a while, she would catch Liz’s eye. Liz would smirk and Cuddy had to look away in order to not smile while someone was crying while talking about their abusive mother.
As Noreen was relaying supportive information back to one of the women, a woman whose name Cuddy had forgotten, she forced herself to sit straighter in her chair. She raised a tentative hand.
“Yes, Lisa.” Noreen gave her a nod and a smile.
Cuddy’s eyes met Liz’s for a moment before she looked back at Noreen.
“I’d like to share,” Cuddy said. Noreen gave her an encouraging nod, so she continued, “I wasn’t good enough. Not entirely. My parents expected a lot out of me, nothing I couldn’t handle... and as I got older, I accomplished many things in my life.”
She drew in a deep breath, eyes scanning over the faces of those interested, some not so interested, and finally Liz.
“But I was failing when it came to finding someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and creating a family, having those people who I would love and would return that love. I wanted a husband, kids... but time was running out. And as I kept trying, kept dating, I found that I still wasn’t good enough. Something had to be wrong with me. It couldn’t be them.”
Cuddy paused a moment, swallowing hard. She lowered her eyes to her hands.
“And so I tried to be better. I tried to figure out what was wrong with me and I turned to my body.” She raised her head. “I guess that’s easier. Turning to the physical. It’s easier to change that than to try and turn criticisms inward. I ran more, ate less, and before I knew it... I was in way over my head. It brought me here.”
“How do you feel now?” Noreen asked. “About yourself?”
“I’m... ashamed I’ve led myself here,” Cuddy answered.
“There’s nothing to be ashamed about,” Noreen told her. “You’re getting help and you’re getting better. This is your first time sharing in group and that is a major step, Lisa.”
“I want to take a major step.”
It was Liz. All eyes were on her. She leaned back in her chair, smile on her face.
“Great, Liz,” Noreen responded. “Go ahead.”
“I was in love,” Liz began a bit dramatically. “Like... you know, like someone really cared about me and loved me just for being who I was. Of course, there was the sex.”
She let out a low, throaty laugh. Cuddy shifted in her chair, a little uncomfortable, but interested to see where Liz was taking this.
“I mean, it was a way of showing me that she loved me,” Liz continued. “And I wanted it too. Initiated it sometimes when she was mad at me. I didn’t know it was ‘wrong’ until I got older and realized other kids didn’t do it. I’d been fucking around with my mommy since I was five.” The smirk came back. “How’s that for a relationship?”
It was silent for a moment before a young woman with short red hair spoke up.
“You’re lying.”
Liz shot her a glare. “And you’re a manic depressive Jew virgin.”
“Liz, why do you have to be a bitch all the time?” another woman spoke up, but Cuddy couldn’t tell which one it was.
“I’m not a bitch, dyke,” Liz hotly replied.
“I’m not the one who slept with my mother,” the same woman retorted.
“Whoa,” Noreen cut in loudly. “Stop it.”
“Hey, asshole,” Liz was still directing her words to that same woman. “I’m trying to share my fucking feelings.” She looked to Noreen. “Isn’t that what you want, Noreen?”
“Liz, I’d like you to go down to my office,” Noreen told her. “Now, please.”
Liz stood up and stormed to the door. She stopped at it and glanced back at Cuddy, making eye contact, before leaving. Noreen rose to her feet.
“As for the rest of you, that kind of behavior and name calling is not tolerated,” she spoke very harshly. “Do you understand? This a safe place. The information shared here is personal and can be very painful to talk about.” She paused for a moment, letting her words sink in. “That’s all for today.”
Noreen headed out of the group circle and left the room. The women sat for a moment before going towards the door. Cuddy remained seated, thinking about all the progress she had made while also thinking of all that Liz may have undone in her own recovery.
Chapter Sixteen.