Built to be Broken
I don't... know how I'm going to get this all out.
I'm scared of everything. Myself, Max, Richie, even all my friends. I'm scared of being hurt anymore. I hope no one reads this anymore because.. frankly... I just need a way to look back at my mistakes without anyone else. I might make this whole journal private for me only, who knows? I just... I'm hurting so much.
Why did I ever leave Richie? Why? What the hell has happened to Ashley in this past year? I let things destroy my love for him.. and fell for someone who hurt me. I tried to go back to Richie but he said no. He gave me hope and then crushed it, just like Max. The sad part is I always know this shit is coming... yet it hurts me even worse. Though I know it's coming... It's unfair. I know life isn't supposed to be fair but I wanted at least one good thing to come from all this drama. Nothing has. I'm hurt, scared, broken, and just.. I don't know.
They both made foolish promises to me. They'd take me back no matter what. I knew that would be a hard promise to keep and never truly believed it. But even then it still hurts. Don't make promises you can't keep. They can hurt someone else. That's one thing I've learned.
Another thing, never change or risk things for other people. You only hurt yourself in the end.
I just never expected to be abandoned by both. They acted like they loved me so much. If they did, why did they stop? I understand Richie's side but... what did I really do to deserve Max's cold side? I hate it. I just want to be able to talk to him yet he barely gives me that. I've deleted him and I know he'll never message me so things will be broken off completely. I deleted and blocked Richie also. I can't bare talking to him anymore. It kills me inside.
I hate myself so much. It's like I've become fucking desperate to get Max back. I know I won't though. How could he love me? How could anyone else love me? There's nothing to love about this. I'm a fucking curse. I've never been able to bring complete happiness to anyone. I'm a burden in all ways, even though I don't want to be. I don't mean to be.
It's been a month and I'm not even close to being over Max. How... how did he get over me so fast? I just don't understand. One second he seems to love me and the next he acts like he hates my very existence. I wish I had that ability. Then Max and Richie wouldn't affect me anymore. I wouldn't be so hurt and shit. Why can't I be strong like them? Why am I so weak? I can't stop my own father from being a prick my whole life, I can't convince myself to get to know my older siblings, I can't protect myself from emotional harm. I can't stop my issues completely. I can't be loved.
What's good about me? Honestly. All I do is sit and cry anymore. Starve myself when things get bad and then stuff myself after I've accepted it's bad. It's like I've fallen in the deepest pit I've ever been in and I won't ever be able to get out. There's no light shining above this time.
I just want to be happy again. I was stupid to lean part of my happiness on the whole love thing. Now that I'm not loved it's very painful. The pathetic part is I'm not even good enough to be actually loved in person. Nope. I get into online relationships because no one could really bother to get to know me and love me. I'm damned it seems.
I need to get over this but it's so hard. One of the hardest things I've had to do in years. I don't know if I'll be able to do it. I just hope this summer I'll be able to cope.
I have to find a get away or something.
Maybe I'll get rid of my computer. Sell it or something. I dunno.
I just need a way to survive.
- Ashley
Pathetic as ever.
I'm scared of everything. Myself, Max, Richie, even all my friends. I'm scared of being hurt anymore. I hope no one reads this anymore because.. frankly... I just need a way to look back at my mistakes without anyone else. I might make this whole journal private for me only, who knows? I just... I'm hurting so much.
Why did I ever leave Richie? Why? What the hell has happened to Ashley in this past year? I let things destroy my love for him.. and fell for someone who hurt me. I tried to go back to Richie but he said no. He gave me hope and then crushed it, just like Max. The sad part is I always know this shit is coming... yet it hurts me even worse. Though I know it's coming... It's unfair. I know life isn't supposed to be fair but I wanted at least one good thing to come from all this drama. Nothing has. I'm hurt, scared, broken, and just.. I don't know.
They both made foolish promises to me. They'd take me back no matter what. I knew that would be a hard promise to keep and never truly believed it. But even then it still hurts. Don't make promises you can't keep. They can hurt someone else. That's one thing I've learned.
Another thing, never change or risk things for other people. You only hurt yourself in the end.
I just never expected to be abandoned by both. They acted like they loved me so much. If they did, why did they stop? I understand Richie's side but... what did I really do to deserve Max's cold side? I hate it. I just want to be able to talk to him yet he barely gives me that. I've deleted him and I know he'll never message me so things will be broken off completely. I deleted and blocked Richie also. I can't bare talking to him anymore. It kills me inside.
I hate myself so much. It's like I've become fucking desperate to get Max back. I know I won't though. How could he love me? How could anyone else love me? There's nothing to love about this. I'm a fucking curse. I've never been able to bring complete happiness to anyone. I'm a burden in all ways, even though I don't want to be. I don't mean to be.
It's been a month and I'm not even close to being over Max. How... how did he get over me so fast? I just don't understand. One second he seems to love me and the next he acts like he hates my very existence. I wish I had that ability. Then Max and Richie wouldn't affect me anymore. I wouldn't be so hurt and shit. Why can't I be strong like them? Why am I so weak? I can't stop my own father from being a prick my whole life, I can't convince myself to get to know my older siblings, I can't protect myself from emotional harm. I can't stop my issues completely. I can't be loved.
What's good about me? Honestly. All I do is sit and cry anymore. Starve myself when things get bad and then stuff myself after I've accepted it's bad. It's like I've fallen in the deepest pit I've ever been in and I won't ever be able to get out. There's no light shining above this time.
I just want to be happy again. I was stupid to lean part of my happiness on the whole love thing. Now that I'm not loved it's very painful. The pathetic part is I'm not even good enough to be actually loved in person. Nope. I get into online relationships because no one could really bother to get to know me and love me. I'm damned it seems.
I need to get over this but it's so hard. One of the hardest things I've had to do in years. I don't know if I'll be able to do it. I just hope this summer I'll be able to cope.
I have to find a get away or something.
Maybe I'll get rid of my computer. Sell it or something. I dunno.
I just need a way to survive.
- Ashley
Pathetic as ever.