this is the non-title title.
this is a whine post. just a warning, in case you're expecting a good update.
you've been warned....
i've been having a seriously rough time of things lately. i haven't even given birth yet, but i feel like the biggest failure of a mother already. i can't pay my bills, my job won't give me any more hours than 25 TOPS, and i still have to buy bottles, bottle liners, diaper wipes, diapers, and a carseat before liam comes. and that's just to get us home. dad bought the crib for him (and "god" love him, he spent twice as much on it than the one i'd picked out for price reasons), but my baby shower was a disappointment (and i feel bad for saying that; i should be grateful that i got what little i did get, but i didn't get hardly anything i needed.) and i literally can't pay my bills, much less but the most essential essentials for my little guy. i (as usual) feel trapped and ungrateful and like a horrible human being, which i know isn't helping liam develop, which in turn makes me feel even worse that i can't take care of him. i don't know what to do, and i'm sick of crying myself to sleep. i mean me, who couldn't even cry when my ex and i broke up, i cry myself to sleep at least 4 out of 7 nights a week because of stress and anxiety. i have emotional support all around me, and yet i've never felt more alone in my life. and don't say "it's hormones," that just pisses me off.
also, my roommates seem to think that i'm dumb enough to believe they spent $200 on presents and stuff for my baby shower, and that exonerates them from having to pay the rest of what they owe for rent. i can't even address this right now.
i've been feeling worse and worse over the last week or so, physically speaking, on top of this emotional crap. i have serious pain when turning over in bed, my arms feel weak, my head is too heavy to hold up, and i think my sugar dropped earlier today. liam's been lethargic, and i worry that my stomach pains (they're not contractions, they're too high up) are causing him distress.
i just wish he'd get here, so i can hold him in my arms and know that he's ok. at least that way, i know that my stress isn't hurting him all the time, like it is now.
you've been warned....
i've been having a seriously rough time of things lately. i haven't even given birth yet, but i feel like the biggest failure of a mother already. i can't pay my bills, my job won't give me any more hours than 25 TOPS, and i still have to buy bottles, bottle liners, diaper wipes, diapers, and a carseat before liam comes. and that's just to get us home. dad bought the crib for him (and "god" love him, he spent twice as much on it than the one i'd picked out for price reasons), but my baby shower was a disappointment (and i feel bad for saying that; i should be grateful that i got what little i did get, but i didn't get hardly anything i needed.) and i literally can't pay my bills, much less but the most essential essentials for my little guy. i (as usual) feel trapped and ungrateful and like a horrible human being, which i know isn't helping liam develop, which in turn makes me feel even worse that i can't take care of him. i don't know what to do, and i'm sick of crying myself to sleep. i mean me, who couldn't even cry when my ex and i broke up, i cry myself to sleep at least 4 out of 7 nights a week because of stress and anxiety. i have emotional support all around me, and yet i've never felt more alone in my life. and don't say "it's hormones," that just pisses me off.
also, my roommates seem to think that i'm dumb enough to believe they spent $200 on presents and stuff for my baby shower, and that exonerates them from having to pay the rest of what they owe for rent. i can't even address this right now.
i've been feeling worse and worse over the last week or so, physically speaking, on top of this emotional crap. i have serious pain when turning over in bed, my arms feel weak, my head is too heavy to hold up, and i think my sugar dropped earlier today. liam's been lethargic, and i worry that my stomach pains (they're not contractions, they're too high up) are causing him distress.
i just wish he'd get here, so i can hold him in my arms and know that he's ok. at least that way, i know that my stress isn't hurting him all the time, like it is now.