Relationships: Exes as Facebook friends
In continuing with my "relationships" theme of my last post, I had another topic come to me at random. This isn't really related to a specific circumstance happening right now with anyone I know, but it's something that's always been at the back of my mind:
Why do exes stay friends on Facebook?
From what I can tell, there are many different reasons as to why when two people break up they decide it's a good idea to "stay friends" - both in reality and on Facebook. Facebook makes things much more complicated than relationships were before though - it's helped make relationships (thanks Facebook!), it's caused fights in relationships (...not thanks so much Facebook :P ), it's caused huge rifts that eventually lead to break ups (I don't have experience there, but I've heard stories!).
In the old days, "staying friends" with an ex meant you exchanged pleasantries when you bumped into each other; you didn't scowl across the room at a mutual friend's get-together; you generally just tried to maintain a cordial acquaintanceship - it was much easier to avoid someone you were apparently "friends" with than it is nowadays.
Now with Facebook in the picture - why do people stay "friends"?
1. You're still hung up on each other
I'm not going to lie - I'm guilty of this one. You "break up," but deep down you think you can still maintain the same close relationship you had when you were dating - minus some aspects - so you decide it's a good idea to "stay friends." Only two or three weeks pass with you attempting to pretend like it doesn't bother you seeing your former significant other moving on with their life and acting like everything is just fine - or worse: writing thinly veiled status updates that are directed at you and/or meant to rile you up (in one way or another). Generally, as far as this goes, I'm sure if you maintain communications/being part of each other's lives via Facebook when you're still into each other - chances are you're going to get back together (for many [me] - yay!) or it'll sabotage all of your future relationships. Not exactly going to be the easiest thing in the world explaining to your next girlfriend or boyfriend why exactly you and your ex keep trading inside jokes back and forth now will it?
2. You genuinely believe you can "be friends"
I think this one pertains mostly to the breaker-upper (oh yeah, that's the right terminology :P ) vs. the (wait for it...) break-upee. When you think about it, which of the two would be more likely to think everything can be smoothed over quicker - probably the person who had the upper-hand and said it's time to cut each other loose. The "break-upee" - if blind-sided by the break up - probably is holding to #1 on my list here in going along with it. If it was a mutual break up, then sure, they might think they can both handle being friends right away. But is that healthy? I'm not sure. I've experienced (through friends) attempts to jump straight into a friendship after a break up - where they were not necessarily still "hung up on each other" anymore - and it still ended up messy even though it started out okay. At some point, one person or the other is going to move on, and somehow, in some way - it's going to hurt. It's difficult to completely dissociate the emotions you once had related to that person, especially if you're going from being the most important person in their life to "a friend" in one fell swoop. I'll get to what I think works in the "friends" department after I go through my list here.
3. You want to stalk your ex
Okay, nowadays we all throw around the word "stalk" like it's not that big of a deal - when really, it is a scary concept for a lot of people who actually do have stalkers. My generation (and younger ones) are well aware, though, that Facebook "stalking" is the commonplace term for keeping people around on your list just so you can peek through their profiles, pictures and - all around - lives without having to actually say anything to them. It's one of the predominant reasons people have anywhere between 300-1200 friends, even if they haven't said two words to them in 20 years. We all know it's common enough between friends and acquaintances, but having the opportunity to keep tabs on the person you were just dating - that's a little hard to give up. Sure, it's difficult, it's unhealthy, it does very little for you but hurt you in the end, but who hasn't sneaked a peek at pictures and grumbled under their breath about the "sluts"/"jackasses" now surrounding your one-time boyfriend or girlfriend. Even if you're over each other, you can't help but want to poke around a bit and see what they have going on in their life. It might be a lot more innocent than I made it out to be :P and it's just out of genuine care for the person and their well-being, but, realistically, it's more because deep down all of us - even guys - have a catty streak.
Generally, I'd say those are the main reasons, with sub-reasons under them (i.e. you have hopes of getting back together and thus are maintaining communications; you share mutual friends and it'd be way too awkward to cut each other out completely because you'll see each other anyway; you really are best friends and it's way too hard to sever that communication; you were better friends than you were a couple, etc.).
In the end, though, is it worth it to keep an ex on Facebook?
Putting this in the context of a general scenario (again, not anyone I know, just a hypothetical): a couple who dated, were sort of friends beforehand, but were much closer after their relationship, share a few mutual friends, but not enough to cause a huge rift and/or it's easy to see where the lines of friendship divide.
Is there a reason to continue to be "friends" - on Facebook or otherwise?
Personally, my opinion has been clear (particularly after my own failed attempt at a "friendship") - it's a lot less hurtful and painful to just part ways. Either you'll drift apart in time, even with each other as "friends", because you'll end up in relationships with other people or you'll end up back together. In both situations, the clarity of being away from each other helps to figure that out. Staying around in each other's lives really only seems to keep things murky, cloudy and can possibly even make things worse because your love lives stagnate and can't move forward because of this odd force in your life that never quite had a clean break (I've found it's always harder for one person over the other).
I can't say I've seen the advantage of staying friends right from the get-go after a break up. No matter who did the breaking up or if it was mutual, there will still be a ton of hurt feelings and resentment that led to the break up in the first place. It's hard enough to try and stay friends with your actual friends when you've had a hard time getting along - but trying to stay friends with someone where much deeper emotions were involved is very difficult.
Now, the shocking part related to me in all this - I've never been one to cut people out of my life. I'm pretty much one of few people I know who tries to maintain communications with everyone - even to the point of messaging people I haven't talked to in years because I'm just curious to know how they're doing. BUT, as I've grown up and (hopefully) matured I realised that this isn't always healthy. Sometimes, you have to let go of situations or people if you feel they are negatively affecting you, no matter how many happy memories you had in the past. If the current situation isn't making you happy, then it's not worth the pain.
Of course, after all this, I can't speak for every individual person. Everyone has had their own experiences that leads to their own decisions. Based on what I've seen happen to lots of people, though, these were just my thoughts on the "Facebook friend" situation.
Once again, not like anyone reads this but a very select few people - but I'd love to hear other perspectives!
Why do exes stay friends on Facebook?
From what I can tell, there are many different reasons as to why when two people break up they decide it's a good idea to "stay friends" - both in reality and on Facebook. Facebook makes things much more complicated than relationships were before though - it's helped make relationships (thanks Facebook!), it's caused fights in relationships (...not thanks so much Facebook :P ), it's caused huge rifts that eventually lead to break ups (I don't have experience there, but I've heard stories!).
In the old days, "staying friends" with an ex meant you exchanged pleasantries when you bumped into each other; you didn't scowl across the room at a mutual friend's get-together; you generally just tried to maintain a cordial acquaintanceship - it was much easier to avoid someone you were apparently "friends" with than it is nowadays.
Now with Facebook in the picture - why do people stay "friends"?
1. You're still hung up on each other
I'm not going to lie - I'm guilty of this one. You "break up," but deep down you think you can still maintain the same close relationship you had when you were dating - minus some aspects - so you decide it's a good idea to "stay friends." Only two or three weeks pass with you attempting to pretend like it doesn't bother you seeing your former significant other moving on with their life and acting like everything is just fine - or worse: writing thinly veiled status updates that are directed at you and/or meant to rile you up (in one way or another). Generally, as far as this goes, I'm sure if you maintain communications/being part of each other's lives via Facebook when you're still into each other - chances are you're going to get back together (for many [me] - yay!) or it'll sabotage all of your future relationships. Not exactly going to be the easiest thing in the world explaining to your next girlfriend or boyfriend why exactly you and your ex keep trading inside jokes back and forth now will it?
2. You genuinely believe you can "be friends"
I think this one pertains mostly to the breaker-upper (oh yeah, that's the right terminology :P ) vs. the (wait for it...) break-upee. When you think about it, which of the two would be more likely to think everything can be smoothed over quicker - probably the person who had the upper-hand and said it's time to cut each other loose. The "break-upee" - if blind-sided by the break up - probably is holding to #1 on my list here in going along with it. If it was a mutual break up, then sure, they might think they can both handle being friends right away. But is that healthy? I'm not sure. I've experienced (through friends) attempts to jump straight into a friendship after a break up - where they were not necessarily still "hung up on each other" anymore - and it still ended up messy even though it started out okay. At some point, one person or the other is going to move on, and somehow, in some way - it's going to hurt. It's difficult to completely dissociate the emotions you once had related to that person, especially if you're going from being the most important person in their life to "a friend" in one fell swoop. I'll get to what I think works in the "friends" department after I go through my list here.
3. You want to stalk your ex
Okay, nowadays we all throw around the word "stalk" like it's not that big of a deal - when really, it is a scary concept for a lot of people who actually do have stalkers. My generation (and younger ones) are well aware, though, that Facebook "stalking" is the commonplace term for keeping people around on your list just so you can peek through their profiles, pictures and - all around - lives without having to actually say anything to them. It's one of the predominant reasons people have anywhere between 300-1200 friends, even if they haven't said two words to them in 20 years. We all know it's common enough between friends and acquaintances, but having the opportunity to keep tabs on the person you were just dating - that's a little hard to give up. Sure, it's difficult, it's unhealthy, it does very little for you but hurt you in the end, but who hasn't sneaked a peek at pictures and grumbled under their breath about the "sluts"/"jackasses" now surrounding your one-time boyfriend or girlfriend. Even if you're over each other, you can't help but want to poke around a bit and see what they have going on in their life. It might be a lot more innocent than I made it out to be :P and it's just out of genuine care for the person and their well-being, but, realistically, it's more because deep down all of us - even guys - have a catty streak.
Generally, I'd say those are the main reasons, with sub-reasons under them (i.e. you have hopes of getting back together and thus are maintaining communications; you share mutual friends and it'd be way too awkward to cut each other out completely because you'll see each other anyway; you really are best friends and it's way too hard to sever that communication; you were better friends than you were a couple, etc.).
In the end, though, is it worth it to keep an ex on Facebook?
Putting this in the context of a general scenario (again, not anyone I know, just a hypothetical): a couple who dated, were sort of friends beforehand, but were much closer after their relationship, share a few mutual friends, but not enough to cause a huge rift and/or it's easy to see where the lines of friendship divide.
Is there a reason to continue to be "friends" - on Facebook or otherwise?
Personally, my opinion has been clear (particularly after my own failed attempt at a "friendship") - it's a lot less hurtful and painful to just part ways. Either you'll drift apart in time, even with each other as "friends", because you'll end up in relationships with other people or you'll end up back together. In both situations, the clarity of being away from each other helps to figure that out. Staying around in each other's lives really only seems to keep things murky, cloudy and can possibly even make things worse because your love lives stagnate and can't move forward because of this odd force in your life that never quite had a clean break (I've found it's always harder for one person over the other).
I can't say I've seen the advantage of staying friends right from the get-go after a break up. No matter who did the breaking up or if it was mutual, there will still be a ton of hurt feelings and resentment that led to the break up in the first place. It's hard enough to try and stay friends with your actual friends when you've had a hard time getting along - but trying to stay friends with someone where much deeper emotions were involved is very difficult.
Now, the shocking part related to me in all this - I've never been one to cut people out of my life. I'm pretty much one of few people I know who tries to maintain communications with everyone - even to the point of messaging people I haven't talked to in years because I'm just curious to know how they're doing. BUT, as I've grown up and (hopefully) matured I realised that this isn't always healthy. Sometimes, you have to let go of situations or people if you feel they are negatively affecting you, no matter how many happy memories you had in the past. If the current situation isn't making you happy, then it's not worth the pain.
Of course, after all this, I can't speak for every individual person. Everyone has had their own experiences that leads to their own decisions. Based on what I've seen happen to lots of people, though, these were just my thoughts on the "Facebook friend" situation.
Once again, not like anyone reads this but a very select few people - but I'd love to hear other perspectives!