Relationships: On Cheating
I rarely use my livejournal these days, but I've found this topic has been coming up a lot lately, and it's made me want to say something.
Ever since I reached the age where friends started dating, the topic of cheating and infidelity has been thrown about - not so much specifically in relation to my group of friends, but I've heard stories of friends of friends and acquaintances. I have to say, it has become pretty disheartening.
Over the last few weeks, I've especially heard some things that have made me say - and yes I have literally said it - "I've lost faith in humanity."
I am really interested to know, where this idea that it's natural to cheat - or even that moving on from one person to another so quickly - is normal.
What bothers me most is that first point I just mentioned - the idea that it's "natural to cheat". Recently a local radio station asked for people's opinions on cheating and I was appalled when a man called in saying:
"Everyone cheats! You can cheat on someone you love - I've done it! It's just natural. It always happens. Guys need to - there is no way we can stay monogamous. Show me one couple that has ever stayed monogamous and faithful - they don't exist."
This is utter and total nonsense and offends not only me, but MILLIONS of couples out there who have easily stayed monogamous and faithful. There is no reason to lump every.single.man (and woman too, from the way he was speaking - but he specifically mentioned men) into this thought. If you feel this doesn't apply to you - that you could never be monogamous - then be honest and say you're talking only about yourself. If it applies to you and your friends, then - again - state that. Don't go ahead and make the vast generalization that EVERY man in the entire world is a dirtbag who can't control himself.
I just read an article where Carrie Underwood was talking about completely trusting her husband Mike Fisher and that for the first time in her life, she didn't feel any sense of insecurity and has had no worries about him being faithful. At the end of the article, I thought "Wow, that's great. Good for them that they can have the lives they do and still trust each other that much."
What do I see in the comments?:
(1) People berating her and her husband for being "dullards" because they're normal
(2) People saying she is stupid and naive because OF COURSE her husband is cheating on her. He travels because he's a hockey player, she goes on tour because she's a singer - obviously because they spend time apart they must be cheating on each other.
There's a whole other rant here I could go on about being disrespectful to people/celebrities who aren't "entertaining" enough for the masses (Kim Kardashian gets married and divorced in 72 days and moves on to dating Kanye West - people get annoyed with her. Carrie Underwood says she actually trusts her husband and is glad she found a good man - people get annoyed with her. What do you want?)
Continuing with my initial topic though - what kind of world are we living in where "obviously he/she's cheating on you" is the first thing people think when a couple says they trust each other? Clearly, people have deep-seated insecurities - either from bad experiences of their own or from becoming jaded from so many such stories - and feel the need to reflect that on to everyone else - even if those others are genuinely happy.
I'm most bothered by this because of the implications this has on the idea of long distance relationships: if people can't even stay faithful when they're in the same place as their significant other, how could they ever survive, 500, 1000 or...15,000km?
It's possible - believe me.
But with so many stories of cheating, it's hard for people to see or believe that. This is why if you're going to embark on a long distance relationship or have been part of one for a while, one of the first questions you get is about whether or not you trust your significant other. To be honest, forget that lame Temptation Island that came on years ago (which I was only reminded of because of Fox's 25th Anniversary special) - I feel like the LDR is the best test of fidelity! If you can spend a few years apart and not cheat on each other, chances are you probably really love each other. (Though, as an aside, from stories I've heard - Australia is a bit of a Temptation Island-esque island for real as it is. :P )
My own thoughts on cheating and why people do it - whether it be emotional or physical - is that if you do - you're probably missing out on a significant part of your relationship. If you were fulfilled and happy, why would you go looking elsewhere in the first place? Some people say it's because "it's more exciting" or "for the adventure" - but, again, that's something you're lacking.
There may be some people in the world - for one reason or another (maybe traumatic experiences from their childhood - i.e. divorce) - who don't ever want to get married or can't ever make a fully monogamous relationship work, or who feel that it's just not for them, but a large part of me believes that a lot of people who cheat aren't thinking this.
A lot of people who do, actually really want a committed, monogamous, faithful relationship!
I'm not attempting to dole out advice here (and I HIGHLY doubt anyone who reads this would NEED this advice :P ), but if you're unhappy with your SO - because they're not exciting, not adventurous, you don't feel the spark anymore, they don't suit you, they don't understand you, they don't let you be you, you can't talk to them, you can't be honest with them, you don't understand them or for WHATEVER your reason may be - then...don't you owe it to them to let them be with someone who fulfills all that, and let yourself find someone who does for you?
I think people are just scared of being alone - it's harder to realise something is wrong, give up on a sure thing (i.e. already present and available physical relationship and/or companionship) and put yourself out there to find someone who suits you better than it is to hold on to what you know and still keep looking at the same time.
Personally, I just think it's sad that this train of thought seems to be becoming so commonplace. It makes me worry about future generations and their thoughts on such issues. Also makes me wonder exactly how my parents and the parents of my closest friends were able to raise us well enough to realise this...
(Oh wait I know! None of us were allowed to date at all...Ha! :P )
Of course no one will read this, and anyone who does - I know you are either of the same mindset and/or are in a committed relationships, but if anyone out there happens to read this and has a different take - I'd actually LOVE to hear it because I want to know exactly what's going on with all this...
Ever since I reached the age where friends started dating, the topic of cheating and infidelity has been thrown about - not so much specifically in relation to my group of friends, but I've heard stories of friends of friends and acquaintances. I have to say, it has become pretty disheartening.
Over the last few weeks, I've especially heard some things that have made me say - and yes I have literally said it - "I've lost faith in humanity."
I am really interested to know, where this idea that it's natural to cheat - or even that moving on from one person to another so quickly - is normal.
What bothers me most is that first point I just mentioned - the idea that it's "natural to cheat". Recently a local radio station asked for people's opinions on cheating and I was appalled when a man called in saying:
"Everyone cheats! You can cheat on someone you love - I've done it! It's just natural. It always happens. Guys need to - there is no way we can stay monogamous. Show me one couple that has ever stayed monogamous and faithful - they don't exist."
This is utter and total nonsense and offends not only me, but MILLIONS of couples out there who have easily stayed monogamous and faithful. There is no reason to lump every.single.man (and woman too, from the way he was speaking - but he specifically mentioned men) into this thought. If you feel this doesn't apply to you - that you could never be monogamous - then be honest and say you're talking only about yourself. If it applies to you and your friends, then - again - state that. Don't go ahead and make the vast generalization that EVERY man in the entire world is a dirtbag who can't control himself.
I just read an article where Carrie Underwood was talking about completely trusting her husband Mike Fisher and that for the first time in her life, she didn't feel any sense of insecurity and has had no worries about him being faithful. At the end of the article, I thought "Wow, that's great. Good for them that they can have the lives they do and still trust each other that much."
What do I see in the comments?:
(1) People berating her and her husband for being "dullards" because they're normal
(2) People saying she is stupid and naive because OF COURSE her husband is cheating on her. He travels because he's a hockey player, she goes on tour because she's a singer - obviously because they spend time apart they must be cheating on each other.
There's a whole other rant here I could go on about being disrespectful to people/celebrities who aren't "entertaining" enough for the masses (Kim Kardashian gets married and divorced in 72 days and moves on to dating Kanye West - people get annoyed with her. Carrie Underwood says she actually trusts her husband and is glad she found a good man - people get annoyed with her. What do you want?)
Continuing with my initial topic though - what kind of world are we living in where "obviously he/she's cheating on you" is the first thing people think when a couple says they trust each other? Clearly, people have deep-seated insecurities - either from bad experiences of their own or from becoming jaded from so many such stories - and feel the need to reflect that on to everyone else - even if those others are genuinely happy.
I'm most bothered by this because of the implications this has on the idea of long distance relationships: if people can't even stay faithful when they're in the same place as their significant other, how could they ever survive, 500, 1000 or...15,000km?
It's possible - believe me.
But with so many stories of cheating, it's hard for people to see or believe that. This is why if you're going to embark on a long distance relationship or have been part of one for a while, one of the first questions you get is about whether or not you trust your significant other. To be honest, forget that lame Temptation Island that came on years ago (which I was only reminded of because of Fox's 25th Anniversary special) - I feel like the LDR is the best test of fidelity! If you can spend a few years apart and not cheat on each other, chances are you probably really love each other. (Though, as an aside, from stories I've heard - Australia is a bit of a Temptation Island-esque island for real as it is. :P )
My own thoughts on cheating and why people do it - whether it be emotional or physical - is that if you do - you're probably missing out on a significant part of your relationship. If you were fulfilled and happy, why would you go looking elsewhere in the first place? Some people say it's because "it's more exciting" or "for the adventure" - but, again, that's something you're lacking.
There may be some people in the world - for one reason or another (maybe traumatic experiences from their childhood - i.e. divorce) - who don't ever want to get married or can't ever make a fully monogamous relationship work, or who feel that it's just not for them, but a large part of me believes that a lot of people who cheat aren't thinking this.
A lot of people who do, actually really want a committed, monogamous, faithful relationship!
I'm not attempting to dole out advice here (and I HIGHLY doubt anyone who reads this would NEED this advice :P ), but if you're unhappy with your SO - because they're not exciting, not adventurous, you don't feel the spark anymore, they don't suit you, they don't understand you, they don't let you be you, you can't talk to them, you can't be honest with them, you don't understand them or for WHATEVER your reason may be - then...don't you owe it to them to let them be with someone who fulfills all that, and let yourself find someone who does for you?
I think people are just scared of being alone - it's harder to realise something is wrong, give up on a sure thing (i.e. already present and available physical relationship and/or companionship) and put yourself out there to find someone who suits you better than it is to hold on to what you know and still keep looking at the same time.
Personally, I just think it's sad that this train of thought seems to be becoming so commonplace. It makes me worry about future generations and their thoughts on such issues. Also makes me wonder exactly how my parents and the parents of my closest friends were able to raise us well enough to realise this...
(Oh wait I know! None of us were allowed to date at all...Ha! :P )
Of course no one will read this, and anyone who does - I know you are either of the same mindset and/or are in a committed relationships, but if anyone out there happens to read this and has a different take - I'd actually LOVE to hear it because I want to know exactly what's going on with all this...