More exchange trip stuff...
Do you guys remember me mentioning this before in passing? Maybe so.
I'm still slowly meandering down that path of a wanna-be exchange student. Just last week I finally did my interview, during which I was a horrible nervous wreck (I've done very few interviews in my life, and I should really have thought about it before hand!) Even so, I think I did well. But, I'm still going through this whole process at an agonizing pace. I'd speed up, but things keep holding me back. Credits, colleges, SAT, among other things. The problem is basically that I'm going to be gone my senior year, which is when all the important stuff happens. Of course, we have an exchange student from Finland here who also left her school for her final year and is solving this problem by just re-taking it when she gets back. While this is a good, solid plan, it just doesn't sound right for me. I can't see myself going to prom, taking the senior trip, doing the whole graduation ceremony with the current sophomores rather than my friends.
And maybe this is another problem. Last semester I sat down one night, realizing what I would have to give up for this experience. I took everything I would be missing, looked it straight in the eye and told it/myself "I will not have you, but that's okay,". It was a little heart-wrenching. I may have cried some. But when dawn broke and the clouds cleared I knew I would be okay. Hearing about the graduation lock-in no longer bothered me, and my friends could no longer use "But you'll miss prom!" as persuasion in their attempts to get me to stay. Through my late-night cry session I had fully disassociated myself from that future, a clean cut if there ever was one. Even when there was a period during which I thought I may not be able to do the exchange, I couldn't see myself going through my senior year. All I wanted to do was grab my credits and graduate early, never looking back. It just wasn't a part of my life anymore.
Today we got our course request forms for next year, which is always a very exciting day for the entire school. Even student's who don't think they'll be here next year are forced to fill it out, just in case. So there I am, staring at all the courses I could be taking, with my favorite teachers and all the friends I love. Everyone around me is excited because it's finally senior year we're all signing up for, and that means all the funnest classes with all the best teachers. It's so difficult not to get caught up in it, and maybe I get a little swept away when my friends all ask to compare classes with me. We have very serious discussions on whether AICE Marine is worth it, and if AP Macroeconomics would be too logical for the most whimsical in the artsy crowd. The whole time I'm reminding myself that while these talks are okay, it really shouldn't matter too much to me, because I won't be here next year.
But then.. in the back of my head, or maybe somewhere deep in my heart, something starts whispering to me "but what if you are? What if something goes wrong, you don't get accepted, what if you have to stay for the credits.. what if you could stay and be a part of all this? With all your childhood friends? Everyone will be here taking their last year together, while you're halfway across the world alone. Is that what you want?"
Yes. It is what I want. I KNOW it'll be one of the best choices I make.. I've never heard of anyone regretting it, especially the people who missed senior year for it.
But it's still a little depressing to know I'm not quiet as ready to let go as I thought.
Well, that was a lot of typing. I really should have spent that time writing my application essay. Fuck it, I'm going to bed.