(no subject)
I had a good Halloween, it was chill and I got to go in the woods and leave fruits,. and actually had fun at Witches Woods, more at the after party of course and got to dance and socialized all over the place. At first I contemplated leaving, like last year but this year I waited it out which was smart because it got better after it cleared out a bit and people got buzzed and talked to people more. It wasnt so clausterphobic and hot after the 1st hour...didnt feel so much like I was gonna die. Their were cockroaches in the bathroom, it was kind of creepy but it added effect to Halloween, and Witches Woods. So both Saturday and Tuesday were fun, and im sure Hollies party saturday will be fun. im definetly excited about that. and Im gonna wear my pirate dress that I got on sale at Hot Topic, ha i hadnt been there forever. I made it evil red riding hood, even though its supposed to be a pirate, because I dont think I could act liek a pirate and I was in a hurry and didnt have time to make an eye patch so yeah improvising is necassary sometimes...my whole life is an improvise, or at least it feels like it sometimes...planning is boring at times anyways.
But fuck I need to get it off my chest because I just drove Max home and he asked me out, it was funny because as soon as Jon left I felt scared but I couldnt figure out why like I usually can, it was unidentifiable, and then we were in the car almost at his house and then suddenly out of nowhere he asked me out, after it had been quiet in the car, and when he asked me out it felt like the longest minute of saying it, and I had the fight or flight feeling,..paused like an idiot I 1st thought hmm, maybe without thinking, but then the stong thought of " No KK", came It was a strong instinct ", it was weird I felt scared..scared of relationships,...scared when actually *confronted, as opposed to siMply a drawn out bullshit .. fantasy when he asked me out, like besides of hurting him and that "on the spot feeling" So I said no, and I dont feel like Im ready. I felt like it was the right thing to do by saying no, but of course I feel bad because I don't want him to be sad, and hurt. ..but I could of hurt him more by saying yes and fucking it up even more because Im not ready. ..but holy shit it was unexpected, gotta give him props for having balls though, damn, and saying he really likes me, that was flattering,....Fuck why are humans so fucking complicated...and I feel like an asshole,..I'll just keep telling myself "we have to be assholes sometimes" in attempts to be less guilty. If I could say anything to him Id say, please don't be sad. its just me, nothing at all special, really.
I was tired....but not anymore but I want to try and sleep...before my migraine comes back.
But fuck I need to get it off my chest because I just drove Max home and he asked me out, it was funny because as soon as Jon left I felt scared but I couldnt figure out why like I usually can, it was unidentifiable, and then we were in the car almost at his house and then suddenly out of nowhere he asked me out, after it had been quiet in the car, and when he asked me out it felt like the longest minute of saying it, and I had the fight or flight feeling,..paused like an idiot I 1st thought hmm, maybe without thinking, but then the stong thought of " No KK", came It was a strong instinct ", it was weird I felt scared..scared of relationships,...scared when actually *confronted, as opposed to siMply a drawn out bullshit .. fantasy when he asked me out, like besides of hurting him and that "on the spot feeling" So I said no, and I dont feel like Im ready. I felt like it was the right thing to do by saying no, but of course I feel bad because I don't want him to be sad, and hurt. ..but I could of hurt him more by saying yes and fucking it up even more because Im not ready. ..but holy shit it was unexpected, gotta give him props for having balls though, damn, and saying he really likes me, that was flattering,....Fuck why are humans so fucking complicated...and I feel like an asshole,..I'll just keep telling myself "we have to be assholes sometimes" in attempts to be less guilty. If I could say anything to him Id say, please don't be sad. its just me, nothing at all special, really.
I was tired....but not anymore but I want to try and sleep...before my migraine comes back.