Conflict and Confusion
Neil closed the door to room 808 with a firm click, his gaze caught and held by the oversized bed, neatly made with it’s little parade of pillows down the center to mark the two different sides. Pushing away from the door, catching his lower lip between his teeth, Neil moved towards Todd’s side, sitting down slowly up next to the other boy’s pillow, hands folded and resting on his knees as he looked at the desk Todd had claimed when they’d first moved in.
The desk seemed a little naked without the dreaded desk set sitting atop it but truly, if Neil never saw that desk set again, it would be too damn soon. That desk set had quickly come to symbolized everything that was wrong with Todd’s parents. How those two people could have such a sweet, loving, gentle, beautiful spirit in their midst and be so blind to him as to give him the same gift, showing now thought… it baffled Neil as much as it angered him.
That night, when he’d found Todd sitting quietly, looking so lost at the idea that the two people who should have loved him the most knew him not at all, that night had been when the first tickle, the first butterfly of forbidden emotion had touched Neil’s abdomen. It had grown, whispering its siren song at the idea of having someone…of caring for someone… of caring for Todd.
Caring for Todd in way that was grossly forbidden, by law, by society, by every institution that Neil had been raised to respect and honor. Like wanting to be an actor, the very act of taking Todd into his heart, the way he had been told he should want to take a woman into his heart, some nice girl, such a thought was forbidden…not just forbidden but looked upon as dirty and foul.
How love could be foul? Neil didn’t understand that. How dreams could be filthy, he didn’t understand that either.
And that night, with his father dictating out the rest of his life…telling him that everything he wanted in this world was wrong….
Neil felt his eyes begin to burn as he relived that conversation… relieved the desperation he’d felt at the realization that his father was going to tear him away from Todd.
Relived the horror and the confusion he’d felt when he’d realized just how painful the idea of living without Todd was in his heart but also realizing that the feelings he harbored for his friend was supposedly something dirty and sick.
Groping blindly towards the head of the bed, Neil caught up Todd’s pillow and hugged it up against his chest. That night…that night…he’d believed himself somehow damaged. That he felt such things for sweet, innocent Todd…who would no doubt be horrified to know how his best friend felt…and the desperate need Neil had to tell Todd the truth before he was yanked away from him…it had all swirled together and rather then face rejection, face a look of disgust in Todd’s face in the last moments before he lost everything that he loved…
“Yo..you’re…wrrrong…I’m not strong at all.” Neil stammered through his tears as he sobbed against the pillow.
I couldn’t face it…any of it. My father, the loneliness, the truth with Todd…the truth with myself.
Neil shook his head, still desperately confused but suddenly aware that what he’d felt, down in the bar…down in the Bar the first time he’d seen Todd, all of it was much stronger than what he’d ever experienced for another person before. Was it that intensity that had sent Todd running away from him earlier? Spiraling down into dark depression at the thought of making Todd run from him, Neil’s mind quickly grabbed hold of memories of the looks he’d caught in Todd’s eyes. Quick glances, hidden when the other boy quickly looked away but…expressions.
Expressions supported by words of just how devastated Todd had been by Neil’s death. Had Neil not held Todd, just hours ago, as the other boy sobbed almost inconsolable with the memory of his loss? Swallowing against the lump in his throat, Neil looked up, wiping at his eyes.
If…oh my…if I’m this turned around…and conflicted by the idea…and if Todd feels the same…even by an inkling…oh Todd.
Wiping more vigorously at his face, Neil gave the pillow in his arms a rueful glance before shoving it back up towards the head of the bed. He needed to get cleaned up. Cleaned up and back down to the bar. He needed to find Todd.
The desk seemed a little naked without the dreaded desk set sitting atop it but truly, if Neil never saw that desk set again, it would be too damn soon. That desk set had quickly come to symbolized everything that was wrong with Todd’s parents. How those two people could have such a sweet, loving, gentle, beautiful spirit in their midst and be so blind to him as to give him the same gift, showing now thought… it baffled Neil as much as it angered him.
That night, when he’d found Todd sitting quietly, looking so lost at the idea that the two people who should have loved him the most knew him not at all, that night had been when the first tickle, the first butterfly of forbidden emotion had touched Neil’s abdomen. It had grown, whispering its siren song at the idea of having someone…of caring for someone… of caring for Todd.
Caring for Todd in way that was grossly forbidden, by law, by society, by every institution that Neil had been raised to respect and honor. Like wanting to be an actor, the very act of taking Todd into his heart, the way he had been told he should want to take a woman into his heart, some nice girl, such a thought was forbidden…not just forbidden but looked upon as dirty and foul.
How love could be foul? Neil didn’t understand that. How dreams could be filthy, he didn’t understand that either.
And that night, with his father dictating out the rest of his life…telling him that everything he wanted in this world was wrong….
Neil felt his eyes begin to burn as he relived that conversation… relieved the desperation he’d felt at the realization that his father was going to tear him away from Todd.
Relived the horror and the confusion he’d felt when he’d realized just how painful the idea of living without Todd was in his heart but also realizing that the feelings he harbored for his friend was supposedly something dirty and sick.
Groping blindly towards the head of the bed, Neil caught up Todd’s pillow and hugged it up against his chest. That night…that night…he’d believed himself somehow damaged. That he felt such things for sweet, innocent Todd…who would no doubt be horrified to know how his best friend felt…and the desperate need Neil had to tell Todd the truth before he was yanked away from him…it had all swirled together and rather then face rejection, face a look of disgust in Todd’s face in the last moments before he lost everything that he loved…
“Yo..you’re…wrrrong…I’m not strong at all.” Neil stammered through his tears as he sobbed against the pillow.
I couldn’t face it…any of it. My father, the loneliness, the truth with Todd…the truth with myself.
Neil shook his head, still desperately confused but suddenly aware that what he’d felt, down in the bar…down in the Bar the first time he’d seen Todd, all of it was much stronger than what he’d ever experienced for another person before. Was it that intensity that had sent Todd running away from him earlier? Spiraling down into dark depression at the thought of making Todd run from him, Neil’s mind quickly grabbed hold of memories of the looks he’d caught in Todd’s eyes. Quick glances, hidden when the other boy quickly looked away but…expressions.
Expressions supported by words of just how devastated Todd had been by Neil’s death. Had Neil not held Todd, just hours ago, as the other boy sobbed almost inconsolable with the memory of his loss? Swallowing against the lump in his throat, Neil looked up, wiping at his eyes.
If…oh my…if I’m this turned around…and conflicted by the idea…and if Todd feels the same…even by an inkling…oh Todd.
Wiping more vigorously at his face, Neil gave the pillow in his arms a rueful glance before shoving it back up towards the head of the bed. He needed to get cleaned up. Cleaned up and back down to the bar. He needed to find Todd.