Crushed by the Past
This post will be difficult so please bear with me. I figured I would share with my f-list what has been going on with me. Warning this is not a very comfortable issue.
So, lately wintermoon3 and I have noticed that I have been having issues with certain things. I have been angry or freaking out over a lot of nothing and having a few panic attacks connected to the same issues. Just working on this post is making me a bit twitchy, so please bear with me.
It seems that I have major issues with having my competency questioned, with my work criticized or even slightly negative reports about my work. I have atypically reacted to these things, becoming hyper defensive, upset or even angry over them. I got so upset over something minor that cybermathwitch said that I left the discussion without saying anything and took off. When I came back I was still so nervous that I was using my nails to dig into my flesh, hoping that the pain would make me feel better.
That particular event really made wintermoon3 and I begin to really question wtf was going on with me. I mean, I am generally very calm and accepting of most anything that goes on around me but stupid things were getting me very upset over nothing. We tried to figure out what was going on and only one things seemed to fit with the symptoms: PTSD.
The two of us went and talked about things with my therapist at the VA, letting her know what was going on and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I did rounds on my mala, trying to calm down and that didn't help all that much. What we sort of figured out was that this certainly seemed like PTSD and it is all connected to my Unit in the military.
PTSD is caused by extreme emotional and physical distress. My time at Ft. Campbell was filled with alot of emotional distress, mostly connected to my Unit. Sure there were other things going on, but a lot of them were more like side effects of that one issue. I think I have mentioned to everybody that my Unit sucked, but I never really went into details, because I would rather not think about them.
What it came down to was that I showed up at Ft. Campbell injured. My right shoulder needed another surgery to get things back under control for it and I was on Profile, which means that I had a doctor's note saying what I could and couldn't do. Since I couldn't carry a rucksack, use my rifle, run or do most of the PT, I was considered a waste of space in my Unit and they had no problem letting me know that. Add a Sergeant who really disliked me and all that combined to make my life utterly miserable. Things just got worse and worse, especially when my Unit wanted to Court Marshal me for things I didn't do, but rather my wife at the time did. After the sixth attempt, JAG told them that they felt that this was harassment and if they ever saw my name again they would bring my Unit up on charges.
Due to all of this stress, I had several Panic Attacks and lived in what I called survival mode. I was so shut down emotionally that my relationship with my wife and husband died a very ugly death. It was not pretty. I was utterly closed off from any source of comfort, as I tried to close off the pain and stress totally, which took all of my energy. I had no energy for anyone or anything else at that point.
So, this certainly qualifies as extreme emotional distress. I don't know if this will turn into a official diagnosis of PTSD, but it certainly seems to fit the profile. I really want to get this dealt with, since this has caused me trouble in both school and work. Add that onto the now 4 months of lung issues and you have more fun than anyone should have to endure.
So it goes.
Ayway, thanks for reading. I just wanted my friends to know what has been going on with me and to help me let some of this out. Thank you.
So, lately wintermoon3 and I have noticed that I have been having issues with certain things. I have been angry or freaking out over a lot of nothing and having a few panic attacks connected to the same issues. Just working on this post is making me a bit twitchy, so please bear with me.
It seems that I have major issues with having my competency questioned, with my work criticized or even slightly negative reports about my work. I have atypically reacted to these things, becoming hyper defensive, upset or even angry over them. I got so upset over something minor that cybermathwitch said that I left the discussion without saying anything and took off. When I came back I was still so nervous that I was using my nails to dig into my flesh, hoping that the pain would make me feel better.
That particular event really made wintermoon3 and I begin to really question wtf was going on with me. I mean, I am generally very calm and accepting of most anything that goes on around me but stupid things were getting me very upset over nothing. We tried to figure out what was going on and only one things seemed to fit with the symptoms: PTSD.
The two of us went and talked about things with my therapist at the VA, letting her know what was going on and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I did rounds on my mala, trying to calm down and that didn't help all that much. What we sort of figured out was that this certainly seemed like PTSD and it is all connected to my Unit in the military.
PTSD is caused by extreme emotional and physical distress. My time at Ft. Campbell was filled with alot of emotional distress, mostly connected to my Unit. Sure there were other things going on, but a lot of them were more like side effects of that one issue. I think I have mentioned to everybody that my Unit sucked, but I never really went into details, because I would rather not think about them.
What it came down to was that I showed up at Ft. Campbell injured. My right shoulder needed another surgery to get things back under control for it and I was on Profile, which means that I had a doctor's note saying what I could and couldn't do. Since I couldn't carry a rucksack, use my rifle, run or do most of the PT, I was considered a waste of space in my Unit and they had no problem letting me know that. Add a Sergeant who really disliked me and all that combined to make my life utterly miserable. Things just got worse and worse, especially when my Unit wanted to Court Marshal me for things I didn't do, but rather my wife at the time did. After the sixth attempt, JAG told them that they felt that this was harassment and if they ever saw my name again they would bring my Unit up on charges.
Due to all of this stress, I had several Panic Attacks and lived in what I called survival mode. I was so shut down emotionally that my relationship with my wife and husband died a very ugly death. It was not pretty. I was utterly closed off from any source of comfort, as I tried to close off the pain and stress totally, which took all of my energy. I had no energy for anyone or anything else at that point.
So, this certainly qualifies as extreme emotional distress. I don't know if this will turn into a official diagnosis of PTSD, but it certainly seems to fit the profile. I really want to get this dealt with, since this has caused me trouble in both school and work. Add that onto the now 4 months of lung issues and you have more fun than anyone should have to endure.
So it goes.
Ayway, thanks for reading. I just wanted my friends to know what has been going on with me and to help me let some of this out. Thank you.