(no subject)
I feel like I've been very stereotypical lately.
I weigh ~275 lbs now, which is more than I've ever weighed, and that's unacceptable. I've realized that I take up too much space when I'm with friends and it's keeping me from developing intimate relationships. So I'm taking control of that. Now, I've been swearing to take control of my weight since I weighed 170 and wanted to get to 120... but 165 really is about the right weight for me. 120 is emaciated. Anyway, I have to lose 110 lbs and not necessarily quickly but for good.
Anyway, I'm doing what I know works for weight loss: exercising and not eating. It's pretty simple. I know it works for me... I lost 10 lbs in one week that way, and I've seen it work on my other friends too. And I won't lie, it's hard not to eat, but it's something I have to do. When I get hungry, I drink water or have a cigarette, or if I really need to, I sleep a bit. I know from experience that I stop feeling hungry after the third day, but it's only just now (at 2:30a) become a full 24 hours... I haven't had too much trouble with hunger yet but the next 48 hours will be a challenge.
Unfortunately I can't fast too long because one of my friends is having a party on Friday night and the entire premise is extremely spicy tacos and lots of beer. I'll probably have a few drinks and a taco or two, which should be about 1200 calories. I'll try to throw up once I get home, but I'm not going to throw up at the party. Taco and beer barf must smell terrible, and I'm not going to get a reputation for not being able to hold my alcohol. If I can drink, damn it, I'm gonna drink. And to be honest, I'd rather walk to the party on Friday so I can get drunk off my ass. I've never been drunk before
The idea, though, is to not eat until I go over there. I just got back (5:10a) from a two hour walk and I must admit it was really tempting to get in my car and go to McDonalds. Even now, three chicken sandwiches and an iced coffee sounds amazing. But I resisted the temptation and went on a walk instead. I didn't take any money with me, and although I considered scrounging up a few coins for something from the vending machine at the 24 hour laundromat I passed, that would have been pathetic. I kept walking, had two cigarettes, and walked two hours. I have two bleeding blisters on my heels to show for it.
Another stereotypical thing I've been doing is feeling like I want to SI... because of a failed friendship and romantic drama, no less. I've been clean for 9 months... 10 months come the 20th... and I feel pretty good about it. Not like I talk about it too much, but it's good to say "I've been clean ten months" and be honest about it. I wouldn't mind, sometimes, putting out my cigarettes on my arms. But I don't. Sara knows, I've told her casually and showed her my scars when she told me about her harming. It's our common drama, I guess, one of several. And what a mess that would be if I started burning myself again because of that other drama we share... said person isn't worth it.
I weigh ~275 lbs now, which is more than I've ever weighed, and that's unacceptable. I've realized that I take up too much space when I'm with friends and it's keeping me from developing intimate relationships. So I'm taking control of that. Now, I've been swearing to take control of my weight since I weighed 170 and wanted to get to 120... but 165 really is about the right weight for me. 120 is emaciated. Anyway, I have to lose 110 lbs and not necessarily quickly but for good.
Anyway, I'm doing what I know works for weight loss: exercising and not eating. It's pretty simple. I know it works for me... I lost 10 lbs in one week that way, and I've seen it work on my other friends too. And I won't lie, it's hard not to eat, but it's something I have to do. When I get hungry, I drink water or have a cigarette, or if I really need to, I sleep a bit. I know from experience that I stop feeling hungry after the third day, but it's only just now (at 2:30a) become a full 24 hours... I haven't had too much trouble with hunger yet but the next 48 hours will be a challenge.
Unfortunately I can't fast too long because one of my friends is having a party on Friday night and the entire premise is extremely spicy tacos and lots of beer. I'll probably have a few drinks and a taco or two, which should be about 1200 calories. I'll try to throw up once I get home, but I'm not going to throw up at the party. Taco and beer barf must smell terrible, and I'm not going to get a reputation for not being able to hold my alcohol. If I can drink, damn it, I'm gonna drink. And to be honest, I'd rather walk to the party on Friday so I can get drunk off my ass. I've never been drunk before
The idea, though, is to not eat until I go over there. I just got back (5:10a) from a two hour walk and I must admit it was really tempting to get in my car and go to McDonalds. Even now, three chicken sandwiches and an iced coffee sounds amazing. But I resisted the temptation and went on a walk instead. I didn't take any money with me, and although I considered scrounging up a few coins for something from the vending machine at the 24 hour laundromat I passed, that would have been pathetic. I kept walking, had two cigarettes, and walked two hours. I have two bleeding blisters on my heels to show for it.
Another stereotypical thing I've been doing is feeling like I want to SI... because of a failed friendship and romantic drama, no less. I've been clean for 9 months... 10 months come the 20th... and I feel pretty good about it. Not like I talk about it too much, but it's good to say "I've been clean ten months" and be honest about it. I wouldn't mind, sometimes, putting out my cigarettes on my arms. But I don't. Sara knows, I've told her casually and showed her my scars when she told me about her harming. It's our common drama, I guess, one of several. And what a mess that would be if I started burning myself again because of that other drama we share... said person isn't worth it.