this super awful hopeless heartbreaking depressing icon is the closest i have to a hannibal icon
Hello, internet. It's been a long time!
So, I got through February and early March somehow. I never quite know how I do it. The negative thoughts were really brutally particularly bad (I did not hurt myself and would not hurt myself--those sorts of thoughts are a persistent part of my illness, when it gets back, in a sort of absent, "Well, I could always kill myself" background noise. It's not something that I would ever actually do, just a sort of grim option that comes up daily when I'm in a particularly bad place. It's one of those things that's hard to explain to someone who's never experienced it, which is why I don't talk about it very often. People hear "self-harming thoughts" and think the worst, when, in my particular case, it's just sort of a passive background noise that I would never have any intention to follow through on. A lot of genuinely wishing I would just disappear, etc. I'm probably making it sound worse than it is in my attempt to explain that it sounds worse than it is /o\), but they're mostly gone and around the second week of March I stopped crying all the time, and in the last week, week and a half, I've even been content, save for my still-messed-up sleeping schedule. So, yay for daylight savings time!
Work has been a shitshow, for reasons I'm too exhausted to type out right now. My boss is micromanaging the hell out of me and Kyleigh and it's driving us both so crazy. That's probably not helping my wonky sleep schedule.
But the weather is slowly getting nicer (very slowly--there's a snow storm headed our way on Wednesday) and the light is really helping and I have a new pink trench coat and I'm writing again--scads and scads of words, so hooray!--and getting out of the house and seeing people and all is well.
Let's see, a quick run down of a few things:
I think that's mostly it, broadly.
***
So, one of the things I've started writing is a story with pearl_o and it is SO GREAT and SO FUN and SO AMAZING and I'm honestly surprised it's taken us this long to collaborate on something. We email or text at least once a day, if not multiple times a day (given my going-to-bed-at-eight-eastern and her living on the west coast, sometimes we're ships in the night), and many of those emails are long, drawn out conversations about fic we wish existed. Sometimes one of us turns it into an actual story, but there are thousands of emails and texts we've exchanged about stories that were never fully formed. That was exactly how this started, then we decided to make it an actualfax fic and now it's happening and it's GREAT.
I'm also writing a couple of things on my own which are also GREAT. I turned off the part of my brain that was worried about writing pretty early in February in order to survive the month, and I feel a million times better now that I'm working on words again. I've made a ton of progress on things this month!
***
Hannibal has been happening again, and it's fucking brutal. Not only is it fucking up my sleep schedule by making me stay awake until nearly midnight on Fridays (normally I'm in bed 3-4 hours before that), but it's just...BRUTAL. There have been a couple times so far this season that I've had to actually look away from the screen in horror. And worrying for the safety of these characters is driving me up the wall with nerves. AND WILL GRAHAM STILL HAS NOT BEEN SAVED I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO GET ON THAT.
But most importantly.....BEVERLY D: D: D: D: D: D: D:
I am....so so so concerned. She CAN'T be dead. I have NO IDEA how I'm going to make it until next week because...........SHE CAN'T BE DEAD, OKAY?
This fucking show :|
***
So, I've always had this problem, on and off, where I can't sleep because I get...I always say "itchy." But it's different from itching? And it's a compulsion. If I don't move the part of my body that's itchy or "scratch" the itch by touching the area in some way, the muscles will convulse to relieve the itch/whatever it is. It usually happens when I'm trying to fall asleep, but sometimes also when I'm at my desk at work, and it keeps me up nights. I end up dousing myself in benedryl to fall asleep. It sucks.
Anyway, it's been particularly bad lately and I ended up falling down a google spiral and Dr. Google seems to be pointing towards "restless leg syndrome" which just makes me groan because IT SO SOUNDS LIKE A FAKE THING, but I fit the parameters of the symptoms perfectly. I'm going to try taking iron supplements for a little bit and see if it helps, and if not...idk. It usually comes and goes, so hopefully it will be going soon :|
***
That's all for now. I WILL TRY TO BE BETTER ABOUT UPDATING. I STILL LOVE YOU, EL JAY FRIENDS. And I still read every day, I swear ♥
So, I got through February and early March somehow. I never quite know how I do it. The negative thoughts were really brutally particularly bad (I did not hurt myself and would not hurt myself--those sorts of thoughts are a persistent part of my illness, when it gets back, in a sort of absent, "Well, I could always kill myself" background noise. It's not something that I would ever actually do, just a sort of grim option that comes up daily when I'm in a particularly bad place. It's one of those things that's hard to explain to someone who's never experienced it, which is why I don't talk about it very often. People hear "self-harming thoughts" and think the worst, when, in my particular case, it's just sort of a passive background noise that I would never have any intention to follow through on. A lot of genuinely wishing I would just disappear, etc. I'm probably making it sound worse than it is in my attempt to explain that it sounds worse than it is /o\), but they're mostly gone and around the second week of March I stopped crying all the time, and in the last week, week and a half, I've even been content, save for my still-messed-up sleeping schedule. So, yay for daylight savings time!
Work has been a shitshow, for reasons I'm too exhausted to type out right now. My boss is micromanaging the hell out of me and Kyleigh and it's driving us both so crazy. That's probably not helping my wonky sleep schedule.
But the weather is slowly getting nicer (very slowly--there's a snow storm headed our way on Wednesday) and the light is really helping and I have a new pink trench coat and I'm writing again--scads and scads of words, so hooray!--and getting out of the house and seeing people and all is well.
Let's see, a quick run down of a few things:
- We went out to dinner for Becca's birthday with Tina and Jesse and Grace and Joni and it was great.
- I went to the Night Vale live show in Boston and it was super adorable! The audience was...kind of obnoxious, but the show itself was SO GOOD and everyone in it was fabulous and I'm a little in love with Meg Bashwiner. I got a poster and saw everyone I knew in Boston.
- I went to the 20th anniversary Honesty Room concert with Tina and Decklin and it was really fantastic. I cried a lot. The set was literally the entirety of The Honesty Room in order and then "As Cool As I Am," "Storm King," "Iowa," "Flinty Kind of Woman," and "February." I'm a little bummed she didn't play "Arrival" (which was on the Razor and Tie version of The Honesty Room, but it was such a great night I don't care that much. I was a wreck during a lot of it, but... "Storm King" :( :( :(
- Hmmmmmmm what else? I saw The Lego Movie twice and it is AMAZING
- We had a bunch of people over for brunch to celebrate Becca's birthday--Naomi and Lisa and Margaret, Tina and Decklin, Emily, and Randa? Maybe? Maybe other people? Anyway, Becca made a million kinds of brunch food and we played Cards Against Humanity.
- I hung almost all the art in my room and the art in the living room.
- I got a haircut.
- Margaret, Kyleigh, Riley, and I went over Tamara and Kate's to see the baby who is BEAUTIFUL and TINY and PERFECT.
- I went to the Ides of March celebration in Union Square in Somerville with Naomi and Karen and it was SUPER ADORABLE. We watched the Dogs of War pet costume contest!
- Brendan is moving to JP! Like, in a week and a half! Which is going to be...weird. We'll see how it goes.
- Yesterday night I hung out with Naomi while she got a tattoo and that was cool!
- I saw the Veronica Mars movie and have a lot of unpopular, niggling opinions about it.
- THE BOMB GIRLS MOVIE AIRS IN FIVE DAYS AND I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T I'M NOT READY
I think that's mostly it, broadly.
***
So, one of the things I've started writing is a story with pearl_o and it is SO GREAT and SO FUN and SO AMAZING and I'm honestly surprised it's taken us this long to collaborate on something. We email or text at least once a day, if not multiple times a day (given my going-to-bed-at-eight-eastern and her living on the west coast, sometimes we're ships in the night), and many of those emails are long, drawn out conversations about fic we wish existed. Sometimes one of us turns it into an actual story, but there are thousands of emails and texts we've exchanged about stories that were never fully formed. That was exactly how this started, then we decided to make it an actualfax fic and now it's happening and it's GREAT.
I'm also writing a couple of things on my own which are also GREAT. I turned off the part of my brain that was worried about writing pretty early in February in order to survive the month, and I feel a million times better now that I'm working on words again. I've made a ton of progress on things this month!
***
Hannibal has been happening again, and it's fucking brutal. Not only is it fucking up my sleep schedule by making me stay awake until nearly midnight on Fridays (normally I'm in bed 3-4 hours before that), but it's just...BRUTAL. There have been a couple times so far this season that I've had to actually look away from the screen in horror. And worrying for the safety of these characters is driving me up the wall with nerves. AND WILL GRAHAM STILL HAS NOT BEEN SAVED I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO GET ON THAT.
But most importantly.....BEVERLY D: D: D: D: D: D: D:
I am....so so so concerned. She CAN'T be dead. I have NO IDEA how I'm going to make it until next week because...........SHE CAN'T BE DEAD, OKAY?
This fucking show :|
***
So, I've always had this problem, on and off, where I can't sleep because I get...I always say "itchy." But it's different from itching? And it's a compulsion. If I don't move the part of my body that's itchy or "scratch" the itch by touching the area in some way, the muscles will convulse to relieve the itch/whatever it is. It usually happens when I'm trying to fall asleep, but sometimes also when I'm at my desk at work, and it keeps me up nights. I end up dousing myself in benedryl to fall asleep. It sucks.
Anyway, it's been particularly bad lately and I ended up falling down a google spiral and Dr. Google seems to be pointing towards "restless leg syndrome" which just makes me groan because IT SO SOUNDS LIKE A FAKE THING, but I fit the parameters of the symptoms perfectly. I'm going to try taking iron supplements for a little bit and see if it helps, and if not...idk. It usually comes and goes, so hopefully it will be going soon :|
***
That's all for now. I WILL TRY TO BE BETTER ABOUT UPDATING. I STILL LOVE YOU, EL JAY FRIENDS. And I still read every day, I swear ♥