blah blah blah
I am not doing well this Sunday.
The problem I have with 2do lists, especially on weekends, is that if I don't complete a certain percentage, I can't help but feel like I've done nothing, even if that's not true. And I'm always too ambitious in my 2do lists. This weekend I went to brunch, picked up comics, went to Target, went to Trader Joe's, did all my laundry, started packing, did the dishes, took down all the Halloween decorations, and finished reading a book.
I had wanted to finish packing, finish one of these two stories, make a pie, and finish reorganizing this pile of stuff I need done before I leave on my trip and I just...didn't get to that. And now I have work tomorrow and I'm sitting here, watching Parks and Rec, pretending I'm editing this piece of crap story, and feeling like nothing got done at all.
I've been editing this 17k story I've been working on in those 5am sprints and I guess I had this sort of illusion that even if the writing was bad at 5am, I could go back and fix it and I read the whole thing together for the first time today and...it's really, really not very good. Like, there was one part I thought I REALLY needed to fix, but surprise, the whole thing is terrible and I just don't even have the strength to take it on and figure out how to make it not terrible. It was supposed to be a birthday present. Whoops, sorry it's so crappy :\ This dry spell has been so demoralizing, and I had hoped that once I was writing anything I would feel better, but as soon as I read it I'm back to feeling awful. It's the stupid AU story all over again, except I never entertained the thought that I was a good enough writer that I could make that one good, whereas this is supposed to be what I'm good at--family stories, reconciliations and all of that. If I can't get that right, there is literally nothing else that I write, so that doesn't bode well.
And I'm already stewing in anxiety over work. I have so, so much I need to get done before I leave and I just...hate being there. Just seeing my boss and my co-worker makes my anxious and makes it hard to get things done, and my boss vaguely threatened me for reasons beyond my comprehension last week, which isn't making my work ethic any better. But I have no energy to apply to other jobs--another thing I meant to do this weekend--and barely enough energy to do my current job. Barely enough energy to get myself to and from work in the morning, even.
My brain is just...really, really bad. Or rather, my brain is the regular amount of bad, but work has pushed it into the really, really bad place. When I'm not at work, I'm...okay. Not amazing, but my head is above water. Unfortunately, work takes up the bulk of the time that I'm awake during the day, which doesn't leave much time to enjoy the non-anxiety-ridden, depressed hours of the day.
I'm also slightly concerned about secret_mutant. I might be projecting, but it feels like more people than usual are talking about how they've not started/have no idea/are already panicking, and we only have a few pinch-hitters this year and usually that's okay because I can just pick up whatever pinch-hits no one wants, but there's no way I trust myself to write pinch-hits this year and I hate putting it all on everyone else, so I'm trying to stay cheerful and encourage people to default if they need to--it's really important to me that this remains a no-consequence, no-stress exchange--while simultaneously freaking out that we're not going to have enough people to fill pinch-hit needs.
And I spent about two hours on tumblr today and I swear every single one of the reasons that I hate tumblr happened at least once, including someone totally disregarding the rules of my exchange AND someone reblogging a post I made of pictures of Anne-Marie and McAvoy to add McAvoy/Cumberbatch RPF commentary.
I'm just really exhausted and all the anxiety about everything is zapping what little energy I have left. I'm considering skipping the David Levithan/Rainbow Rowell event I was going to tomorrow night because I have so much to do and seeing people and being out and having to figure out how to get home all seems so complicated right now that I just want to sit here and cry.
Ugh, all this stuff is so stupid. I'm sorry I'm upset over stupid things. I'm sorry I'm spewing it all over el jay. I'm sorry I'm being so vague about all of it, but even the idea of typing up the work stuff is exhausting to me.
And now it's about two hours later and I'm going to post this finally, I guess. :\
The problem I have with 2do lists, especially on weekends, is that if I don't complete a certain percentage, I can't help but feel like I've done nothing, even if that's not true. And I'm always too ambitious in my 2do lists. This weekend I went to brunch, picked up comics, went to Target, went to Trader Joe's, did all my laundry, started packing, did the dishes, took down all the Halloween decorations, and finished reading a book.
I had wanted to finish packing, finish one of these two stories, make a pie, and finish reorganizing this pile of stuff I need done before I leave on my trip and I just...didn't get to that. And now I have work tomorrow and I'm sitting here, watching Parks and Rec, pretending I'm editing this piece of crap story, and feeling like nothing got done at all.
I've been editing this 17k story I've been working on in those 5am sprints and I guess I had this sort of illusion that even if the writing was bad at 5am, I could go back and fix it and I read the whole thing together for the first time today and...it's really, really not very good. Like, there was one part I thought I REALLY needed to fix, but surprise, the whole thing is terrible and I just don't even have the strength to take it on and figure out how to make it not terrible. It was supposed to be a birthday present. Whoops, sorry it's so crappy :\ This dry spell has been so demoralizing, and I had hoped that once I was writing anything I would feel better, but as soon as I read it I'm back to feeling awful. It's the stupid AU story all over again, except I never entertained the thought that I was a good enough writer that I could make that one good, whereas this is supposed to be what I'm good at--family stories, reconciliations and all of that. If I can't get that right, there is literally nothing else that I write, so that doesn't bode well.
And I'm already stewing in anxiety over work. I have so, so much I need to get done before I leave and I just...hate being there. Just seeing my boss and my co-worker makes my anxious and makes it hard to get things done, and my boss vaguely threatened me for reasons beyond my comprehension last week, which isn't making my work ethic any better. But I have no energy to apply to other jobs--another thing I meant to do this weekend--and barely enough energy to do my current job. Barely enough energy to get myself to and from work in the morning, even.
My brain is just...really, really bad. Or rather, my brain is the regular amount of bad, but work has pushed it into the really, really bad place. When I'm not at work, I'm...okay. Not amazing, but my head is above water. Unfortunately, work takes up the bulk of the time that I'm awake during the day, which doesn't leave much time to enjoy the non-anxiety-ridden, depressed hours of the day.
I'm also slightly concerned about secret_mutant. I might be projecting, but it feels like more people than usual are talking about how they've not started/have no idea/are already panicking, and we only have a few pinch-hitters this year and usually that's okay because I can just pick up whatever pinch-hits no one wants, but there's no way I trust myself to write pinch-hits this year and I hate putting it all on everyone else, so I'm trying to stay cheerful and encourage people to default if they need to--it's really important to me that this remains a no-consequence, no-stress exchange--while simultaneously freaking out that we're not going to have enough people to fill pinch-hit needs.
And I spent about two hours on tumblr today and I swear every single one of the reasons that I hate tumblr happened at least once, including someone totally disregarding the rules of my exchange AND someone reblogging a post I made of pictures of Anne-Marie and McAvoy to add McAvoy/Cumberbatch RPF commentary.
I'm just really exhausted and all the anxiety about everything is zapping what little energy I have left. I'm considering skipping the David Levithan/Rainbow Rowell event I was going to tomorrow night because I have so much to do and seeing people and being out and having to figure out how to get home all seems so complicated right now that I just want to sit here and cry.
Ugh, all this stuff is so stupid. I'm sorry I'm upset over stupid things. I'm sorry I'm spewing it all over el jay. I'm sorry I'm being so vague about all of it, but even the idea of typing up the work stuff is exhausting to me.
And now it's about two hours later and I'm going to post this finally, I guess. :\