the same implement used by Thomas Jefferson to decapitate Britain's last unicorn
INTERNET. It's really important I tell you about Groupon.
Not because I think you haven't heard of it--I'm pretty sure everyone on the planet has a Groupon account now. But WERE YOU AWARE that the daily Groupon email that you probably delete as soon as you see it's for something you don't care about frequently includes a hilarious, sarcastic one-liner about the service offered?
The other day, Doug called us over to read us something hilarious from his Groupon. I can't even remember what it was, but we were all like, "....is that real? What?" I kept meaning to check my daily email to see if it happened every day or if an editor just fell asleep that day, but I usually read my Groupon email at about 6am on my phone when I'm still in bed, so I forget. I remembered today. And then promptly went and looked at all my deleted ones because they are HILARIOUS.
Here are some highlights for you, internet:
For teeth-whitening:
People are attracted to bright smiles, like moths to a flame or mechanical moths to giant electromagnets. Improve your pull with this Groupon.
For Pub food:
The invention of the hearth oven was a major step forward in cooking, as it allowed chefs to heat food more efficiently than the previous method of friction-fueled food hugging. Embrace the advances of the culinary arts with this Groupon....
For sailing lessons:
A seaworthy vessel must be watertight so that no spilled champagne affects the aquatic ecosystem and no jellyfish sneak into sailors' beds. Discover other nautical qualifications with this Groupon.
For mani-pedis:
Without strong fingernails, lottery players would have to scratch their tickets with dirty pennies or inherently unlucky wolverine feet. Scratch away in style with this Groupon.
For car-care services:
Mechanics, like pediatricians, work on patients who cannot verbally express where it hurts or why they're covered in bumper stickers. Find answers in the incoherent babble with this Groupon: for $33, you get a car-care punch card from Auto Care...
For yoga classes:
If you give a man a fish he'll eat for a day, but if you teach a man the fish pose, he'll forever be playing pranks on hungry whales. Stretch your spine with this Groupon.
For trapeze classes:
Mastering the flying trapeze can pay off when faced with challenges such as performing the uneven-bars portion of a job interview. Swing to success with this Groupon.
For a bakery:
Like the sun in the east or balloon animals planning a coup d'état against their inflatable zookeepers, baked goods eventually rise up. Sample newly raised treats straight from the oven with this Groupon.
For Italian food:
The best sauces, like the best imaginary friends, are rich and from the Mediterranean. Dine alone or with Esmeralda the railroad tycoon with this Groupon.
For jewlery:
Of all the ways to show people how much you love them, giving them jewelry is second only to giving them a map to where the jewelry is buried. Show someone you dig them with this Groupon.
For a massage studio:
Tension is often held in the shoulders, especially among those who are trying to blend in with society by binding their beautiful wings. Soar away from stress with this Groupon.
For laser hair removal:
Without lasers, people would have to rely on such archaic hair-removal methods as using a straight razor or condemning each hair to death by tiny guillotine. Off with your hairs with this Groupon.
For an auto museum:
Auto museums show people what life was like in the past, when everybody lived, worked, and commuted inside auto museums. Rev up your knowledge with this Groupon.
For riding lessons:
Before man learned to ride horses, Western films ended with cowboys jogging into the sunset. Saddle up with this Groupon.
THEN, because it was super important we spend our afternoon doing this instead of actual work, Margaret nosed around on the Groupon website and found this:
The Groupon Guide to: Buying a Sword
Although many of the medieval threats that led to the invention of the sword are now extinct or obsolete-dragons, knighting ceremonies, and careers in musketeerdom-swords are still available from online and late-night television venues if you know where to look. Consider this helpful guide before taking a stab at sword ownership:
Do You Need a Sword? Yes. Though our modern skies are no longer plagued with dive-bombing griffins, swords have thousands of practical household uses, from looking cool on the wall to looking cool in your hand.
Are Swords Legal? Yes, with exceptions. Sword regulations vary from state to state, but you can usually get an up-to-date lowdown on regional swordlaw from an expert, such as your local blacksmith, or, perhaps more practically, the blacksmithing station at your local Home Depot.
Telling Your Spouse: Don't-it will ruin the surprise!
What Kind of Sword Should You Get? This depends on your needs, lifestyle, and the comfortable standing distance of your full-length mirror, where the sword will most likely get the most use. If you are a traditionalist, consider a broadsword-the same implement used by Thomas Jefferson to decapitate Britain's last unicorn.
Not because I think you haven't heard of it--I'm pretty sure everyone on the planet has a Groupon account now. But WERE YOU AWARE that the daily Groupon email that you probably delete as soon as you see it's for something you don't care about frequently includes a hilarious, sarcastic one-liner about the service offered?
The other day, Doug called us over to read us something hilarious from his Groupon. I can't even remember what it was, but we were all like, "....is that real? What?" I kept meaning to check my daily email to see if it happened every day or if an editor just fell asleep that day, but I usually read my Groupon email at about 6am on my phone when I'm still in bed, so I forget. I remembered today. And then promptly went and looked at all my deleted ones because they are HILARIOUS.
Here are some highlights for you, internet:
For teeth-whitening:
People are attracted to bright smiles, like moths to a flame or mechanical moths to giant electromagnets. Improve your pull with this Groupon.
For Pub food:
The invention of the hearth oven was a major step forward in cooking, as it allowed chefs to heat food more efficiently than the previous method of friction-fueled food hugging. Embrace the advances of the culinary arts with this Groupon....
For sailing lessons:
A seaworthy vessel must be watertight so that no spilled champagne affects the aquatic ecosystem and no jellyfish sneak into sailors' beds. Discover other nautical qualifications with this Groupon.
For mani-pedis:
Without strong fingernails, lottery players would have to scratch their tickets with dirty pennies or inherently unlucky wolverine feet. Scratch away in style with this Groupon.
For car-care services:
Mechanics, like pediatricians, work on patients who cannot verbally express where it hurts or why they're covered in bumper stickers. Find answers in the incoherent babble with this Groupon: for $33, you get a car-care punch card from Auto Care...
For yoga classes:
If you give a man a fish he'll eat for a day, but if you teach a man the fish pose, he'll forever be playing pranks on hungry whales. Stretch your spine with this Groupon.
For trapeze classes:
Mastering the flying trapeze can pay off when faced with challenges such as performing the uneven-bars portion of a job interview. Swing to success with this Groupon.
For a bakery:
Like the sun in the east or balloon animals planning a coup d'état against their inflatable zookeepers, baked goods eventually rise up. Sample newly raised treats straight from the oven with this Groupon.
For Italian food:
The best sauces, like the best imaginary friends, are rich and from the Mediterranean. Dine alone or with Esmeralda the railroad tycoon with this Groupon.
For jewlery:
Of all the ways to show people how much you love them, giving them jewelry is second only to giving them a map to where the jewelry is buried. Show someone you dig them with this Groupon.
For a massage studio:
Tension is often held in the shoulders, especially among those who are trying to blend in with society by binding their beautiful wings. Soar away from stress with this Groupon.
For laser hair removal:
Without lasers, people would have to rely on such archaic hair-removal methods as using a straight razor or condemning each hair to death by tiny guillotine. Off with your hairs with this Groupon.
For an auto museum:
Auto museums show people what life was like in the past, when everybody lived, worked, and commuted inside auto museums. Rev up your knowledge with this Groupon.
For riding lessons:
Before man learned to ride horses, Western films ended with cowboys jogging into the sunset. Saddle up with this Groupon.
THEN, because it was super important we spend our afternoon doing this instead of actual work, Margaret nosed around on the Groupon website and found this:
The Groupon Guide to: Buying a Sword
Although many of the medieval threats that led to the invention of the sword are now extinct or obsolete-dragons, knighting ceremonies, and careers in musketeerdom-swords are still available from online and late-night television venues if you know where to look. Consider this helpful guide before taking a stab at sword ownership:
Do You Need a Sword? Yes. Though our modern skies are no longer plagued with dive-bombing griffins, swords have thousands of practical household uses, from looking cool on the wall to looking cool in your hand.
Are Swords Legal? Yes, with exceptions. Sword regulations vary from state to state, but you can usually get an up-to-date lowdown on regional swordlaw from an expert, such as your local blacksmith, or, perhaps more practically, the blacksmithing station at your local Home Depot.
Telling Your Spouse: Don't-it will ruin the surprise!
What Kind of Sword Should You Get? This depends on your needs, lifestyle, and the comfortable standing distance of your full-length mirror, where the sword will most likely get the most use. If you are a traditionalist, consider a broadsword-the same implement used by Thomas Jefferson to decapitate Britain's last unicorn.