tales from cardigan central, part 56iu435
Becca: Don't ask your arch-nemesis to hypnotize you.
Kait: It's okay, I would never ask Barrowman to hypnotize me.
Becca: Who would ever ask that?
Kait: Basically everyone in the world except for us.
Becca: Oh god, that's literally the scariest thing I've ever heard. That would be the world's worst horror movie. I would rather watch [REC].
Kait: I'm seriously waiting for the day when he pulls out whatever mind control shit he has to make people love him and flips the switch and turns them all into his drones.
Becca: Oh god.
Kait: It's like a zombie movie. We're the only two survivors left! Trying to escape the Barrowdrones.
Becca: This is seriously the scariest movie ever. And once we kill all of them to get to him he's just like, 'Aaaah! Oh my god! No! Don't hurt me!' 'These aren't even real guns!' 'Aaaaahhhh! No! I'm sorry! Don't hurt me, please!'"
Kait: Oh--I got really confused. We're watching Thor. I was like, 'There's a Thor preview and a Cap preview?! What movie is this? HOw does that make sense?'"
Becca: This is a movie that I made. It's called Steve and Tony Fucking.
Kait: I bet a lot of people are interested in that. I bet you could get a lot of backers.
Becca: I did a Kickstarter. Chris Evans is from Sudbury. That's pratically Boston. I bet he tells people he's from Boston because I bet that's what kids from Sudbury do. But we're bros. I'll be like, 'Come do this movie where you fuck RDJ' and he'll be like, 'I would do that just for that. You didn't have to use the whole Boston thing!'
Jane: Erik--
Becca: "Hey, I could be in a mansion fucking a telepath right now."
Kait: "I could have a whole room full of skulls!"
Becca: What?
Kait: Uh, speaking of dudebros... basically the plot of this movie is that Thor's a asshole frat boy sent to Earth to learn not to be a douchebag.
Becca: For battle and building? Yeah, I'd like to see him take that out back and build a shed.
Kait: He builds a new stage for the band once Tony finally lets him in. He's like, "Really? Really? This is where you play? This place has terrible acoustics. Just... let me handle this."
Becca: Steve's just like, "::nods approvingly:: See? See, Tony? See?"
Becca: "I have strong feelings about those pumpkins! Those were the wrong gourds!"
Kait: "How am I supposed to make bongs out of those?!" Loki's like, "Dude, it's okay. I know how to make a bong out of a gourd."
Becca: "I brought an apple! It's cool."
Becca: You guys are riding your horses on an acid trip.
eta:
Loki: What am I?
Kait: "I fucked a Frost Giant. She was hot."
Loki: Is that why you favored Thor all these years?
Kait: "You don't understand. I. Like. You. More. I had a kid and I was like, 'I can already tell he's dumb as bricks. I want a smart son!' You're not listening! You're better than him! I sent him to Midgard!"
Loki: Just another relic to keep around until you need it?
Becca: "I'm trying to tell you, I need you now! Did you see that shithead?! You're the best now! Jesus!"
Becca: Agent Coulson wins at beer pong every time they play at the Avenger Mansion.
Kait: He's not even supposed to be playing, he's just babysitting them, but when they keep mocking him he's like, "No. No. I'll play. I'll play with you. Come on."
Becca: "You want to blindfold me? Bring it."
Kait: Now I'm just imagining Thor building all sorts of shit around the Avengers mansion when he's bored.
Becca: He's like, "I made a bookcase. I made this harp. Here, Pepper, it's for you."
Kait: Tony's like, "What the fuck?! What is this?" Pepper's like, "No, I like it. It's like a spa."
Becca: I want Steve and Thor to have drinking contests. Steve's like, "I can't get drunk, so I don't know how you think you'll win" but he does! Every time! Steve's just like, "I hurt! My body is full of alcohol that it doesn't know how to process." And Tony can't figure out how there are TWO people who can out-drink him now.
Kait: He's like, "Liver. We've gotta step it up."
Becca: He builds a tiny arc reactor for his liver.
Becca: I want Tony Stark to get the hammer. He's just swinging it around on one finger, sitting in the doughnut. "Hey guys. What's up?" Steve's like, "Tony. You have your own toys."
Kait: Tony's like, "Oooh, I'm so great, I'm a god from another planet, I'm a classically trained pianist, I think we should play more than one song, I built a bookcase--"
Becca: "I built a stage and a harp. Mehneh." Steve's like, "Tony. Tony. Give it back or else I'll go sleep in my own room. Which I have even though you didn't tell me about it for seven months."
Kait: I don't know where I was, maybe he called me or maybe it was when I was home, but Brendan saw Cap and he was like, so emotionally invested in it. He was like, "It's such a downer--do you mind if I spoil?" and I was like, "No, whatever," and he told me the whole thing about Peggy and he's like, "And the first thing he says when he wakes up is, 'I had a date,' all miffed and sad." I was like, "I'm glad you were so emotionally invested in the Cap movie."
Becca: He's looking out for Captain America's dick.
Kait: "Don't worry, Captain America's Dick, you'll meet Tony Stark in the next movie."
Becca: "It's okay, Captain America's Dick. Brofist."
Bucky: And seriously? Jersey?
Kait: Fuck you, Bucky. Nobody likes you and you have no friends.
Becca: I think the internet would disagree with you.
Steve: What did you tell her about me?
Bucky: Only the good stuff.
Kait: "I told her you had the physique of an eleven year old boy. She seemed really into it? Which is weird but, you know, you're gonna have to get used to it, so you should own it."
Becca: "She said she wanted to hold you down and I was like, 'You'll have no problem with that.'"
Kait: Oh, Howard's on. I suppose I should watch.
Becca: I was gonna say, don't you wanna see your friend.
Kait: Well, I don't know about friend. I don't even know what it is about him.
Becca: It's the mustache, don't lie.
Kait: I don't even know! I have no idea what it is. Dominic Cooper does nothing for me in anything else he's been in, I'm never like, "Oh, Dominic Cooper, you make me not a lesbian anymore." Except Howard Stark.
Becca: I love you and your taste in men that no venn diagram can capture.
Kait: Well, he is wearing a suit.
Steve: Is this a test?
Becca: Yes, Steve. Everything is a test.
Kait: He says that to Tony all the time. Tony takes advantage of it.
Becca: Tony's like. "Dick. In your mouth." Steve's like, "Is this a test?" Tony doesn't even enjoy it, he's just thinking, 'What the fuck kind of test does he think this is?'
Kait: And then thinking of fifty more things he can make into tests.
Becca: Just every time. "We need to go fuck for four hours. It's a test of--it's a test for--it's just a test, okay?" Steve's like, "Okay!" He asks Pepper, "How come Tony never gives anyone else tests?" And Pepper's like, "Test? Wait, what the fuck?" She's already texting Tony. "I'm going to set your house on fire. With you in it."
Kait; I love that no one in Brooklyn thinks it's weird that people in uniform are coming in and out of this shop all day.
Becca: I know, and that little old lady is just obsessed with the weather.
Kait: They go in looking for stuff, she won't shut up about the weather.
Becca: "I just want some postcards." "But the weather. Yeah? Yeah? The weather? ::winks::" It's Howard Stark's grandma. He's like, "She needed a job." And she really, genuinely cares about the weather! It seemed like a perfect fit!
Steve: I want to keep going! I'm okay!
Becca: Then stop screaming like a little girl!
Kait: "Seriously, you think my son's gonna wanna fuck you like that?"
Becca: He's like, "You've got pecs now!"
Kait: "Can I just cop a feel? My dying request, okay?"
Becca: "Let me just rub your chest." Although they kind of already did that, helping him out of the thing. Howard was like, "Damn. I fucking love science."
Kait: Howard Stark, let's be friends. And by "be friends" I mean "have sex." It'll be fun!
Becca: I'm so confused right now.
Kait: No one is more confused by this than me. Except for maybe Tony Stark's head.
Tommy Lee Jones: What's that?
Kait: It's suspiciously well timed.
Becca: Steve's just been waiting in the trees for a week. He's like, "No. I'm gonna wait until they declare me dead."
Kait: Marching together.
Becca: Yup, they all took time to line up like that.
Kait: With the black guy and the Asian guy in front.
Becca: The Asian guy was injured, they had to prop him up.
Bucky: Let's hear it for Captain America!
Kait: Yeah! We're all cheering! With the black guy in front--get that black guy back in the shot!
Becca: I don't care if you're tired and injured, stay in the shot!
Kait: Oh god, why do I want to fuck Howard Stark? I don't understand it.
Becca: I don't know, man.
Kait: I mean, it's like he's Tony, but with all of Tony's good qualities taken away. I guess I'm just attracted to bad people.
Becca: You have wrong opinions, person.
Kait: I know, okay? I don't understand why I want to fuck him! I feel about enough about it already, you don't have to rub it in!
Becca: Look, there are so many worse people in this movie that you could want to fuck. You could want to fuck that guy. If you were like, "Oooh, I want to fuck him!" I'd be like, "Call the doctor. You have a brain tumor. It's pressing on your common sense gland."
Kait: Oh, action scenes were happening so I forgot to pay attention again.
Becca: I want to know who's in charge of the Captain America Unfreezing research who chose a baseball game that took place BEFORE he was frozen.
Kait: "Whatever, no one will know!" Phil wasn't around. It was his lunch break, so they had some random suit do it. He comes back he's like, "What the fuck? Who did this? I leave for five minutes--it's already playing? It's too late? Fuck!"
Becca: "Somebody better play beer pong with me!" I want the fic where Coulson just loses it. "I have to run all over the country picking up you assholes. You just keep popping up--you fell off a rainbow bridge, you were frozen underwater, you're a drunk asshole--"
Kait: "I can't even get fucking doughnuts without shit hitting the fan! You think it's all about you! Ooo, I'm a drunk rich guy who's sad, I'm the god of Thunder and my dad hates me, I was frozen for seventy years and I missed my date--fuck all you assholes!"
Becca: They're all like, "Whoa. We didn't know, Phil. I mean, we expect it from Fury but what the fuck. What do you need? What can we do for you?" Steve's just in the corner, crying and apologizing. The next morning he goes into his office and there's a jetski there. Tony's like, "I'm sorry, man." Thor's like, "I made you this harp!"
Kait: Pepper's like, "It's really nice! He made me one too!"
Becca: And then Pepper and Coulson start a harp duo.
Kait: To counteract the shit that is The Bandroids.
Becca: Tony finds out he's like, "What?! What?! I asked you to play every instrument in my band! You told me you were busy." "I was busy. With Harp Band." "That's what you call that shit? Bandroids is a way better name!" Steve's like, "I've heard them, they're really good! They made me a CD!"
Kait: It's okay, I would never ask Barrowman to hypnotize me.
Becca: Who would ever ask that?
Kait: Basically everyone in the world except for us.
Becca: Oh god, that's literally the scariest thing I've ever heard. That would be the world's worst horror movie. I would rather watch [REC].
Kait: I'm seriously waiting for the day when he pulls out whatever mind control shit he has to make people love him and flips the switch and turns them all into his drones.
Becca: Oh god.
Kait: It's like a zombie movie. We're the only two survivors left! Trying to escape the Barrowdrones.
Becca: This is seriously the scariest movie ever. And once we kill all of them to get to him he's just like, 'Aaaah! Oh my god! No! Don't hurt me!' 'These aren't even real guns!' 'Aaaaahhhh! No! I'm sorry! Don't hurt me, please!'"
Kait: Oh--I got really confused. We're watching Thor. I was like, 'There's a Thor preview and a Cap preview?! What movie is this? HOw does that make sense?'"
Becca: This is a movie that I made. It's called Steve and Tony Fucking.
Kait: I bet a lot of people are interested in that. I bet you could get a lot of backers.
Becca: I did a Kickstarter. Chris Evans is from Sudbury. That's pratically Boston. I bet he tells people he's from Boston because I bet that's what kids from Sudbury do. But we're bros. I'll be like, 'Come do this movie where you fuck RDJ' and he'll be like, 'I would do that just for that. You didn't have to use the whole Boston thing!'
Jane: Erik--
Becca: "Hey, I could be in a mansion fucking a telepath right now."
Kait: "I could have a whole room full of skulls!"
Becca: What?
Kait: Uh, speaking of dudebros... basically the plot of this movie is that Thor's a asshole frat boy sent to Earth to learn not to be a douchebag.
Becca: For battle and building? Yeah, I'd like to see him take that out back and build a shed.
Kait: He builds a new stage for the band once Tony finally lets him in. He's like, "Really? Really? This is where you play? This place has terrible acoustics. Just... let me handle this."
Becca: Steve's just like, "::nods approvingly:: See? See, Tony? See?"
Becca: "I have strong feelings about those pumpkins! Those were the wrong gourds!"
Kait: "How am I supposed to make bongs out of those?!" Loki's like, "Dude, it's okay. I know how to make a bong out of a gourd."
Becca: "I brought an apple! It's cool."
Becca: You guys are riding your horses on an acid trip.
eta:
Loki: What am I?
Kait: "I fucked a Frost Giant. She was hot."
Loki: Is that why you favored Thor all these years?
Kait: "You don't understand. I. Like. You. More. I had a kid and I was like, 'I can already tell he's dumb as bricks. I want a smart son!' You're not listening! You're better than him! I sent him to Midgard!"
Loki: Just another relic to keep around until you need it?
Becca: "I'm trying to tell you, I need you now! Did you see that shithead?! You're the best now! Jesus!"
Becca: Agent Coulson wins at beer pong every time they play at the Avenger Mansion.
Kait: He's not even supposed to be playing, he's just babysitting them, but when they keep mocking him he's like, "No. No. I'll play. I'll play with you. Come on."
Becca: "You want to blindfold me? Bring it."
Kait: Now I'm just imagining Thor building all sorts of shit around the Avengers mansion when he's bored.
Becca: He's like, "I made a bookcase. I made this harp. Here, Pepper, it's for you."
Kait: Tony's like, "What the fuck?! What is this?" Pepper's like, "No, I like it. It's like a spa."
Becca: I want Steve and Thor to have drinking contests. Steve's like, "I can't get drunk, so I don't know how you think you'll win" but he does! Every time! Steve's just like, "I hurt! My body is full of alcohol that it doesn't know how to process." And Tony can't figure out how there are TWO people who can out-drink him now.
Kait: He's like, "Liver. We've gotta step it up."
Becca: He builds a tiny arc reactor for his liver.
Becca: I want Tony Stark to get the hammer. He's just swinging it around on one finger, sitting in the doughnut. "Hey guys. What's up?" Steve's like, "Tony. You have your own toys."
Kait: Tony's like, "Oooh, I'm so great, I'm a god from another planet, I'm a classically trained pianist, I think we should play more than one song, I built a bookcase--"
Becca: "I built a stage and a harp. Mehneh." Steve's like, "Tony. Tony. Give it back or else I'll go sleep in my own room. Which I have even though you didn't tell me about it for seven months."
Kait: I don't know where I was, maybe he called me or maybe it was when I was home, but Brendan saw Cap and he was like, so emotionally invested in it. He was like, "It's such a downer--do you mind if I spoil?" and I was like, "No, whatever," and he told me the whole thing about Peggy and he's like, "And the first thing he says when he wakes up is, 'I had a date,' all miffed and sad." I was like, "I'm glad you were so emotionally invested in the Cap movie."
Becca: He's looking out for Captain America's dick.
Kait: "Don't worry, Captain America's Dick, you'll meet Tony Stark in the next movie."
Becca: "It's okay, Captain America's Dick. Brofist."
Bucky: And seriously? Jersey?
Kait: Fuck you, Bucky. Nobody likes you and you have no friends.
Becca: I think the internet would disagree with you.
Steve: What did you tell her about me?
Bucky: Only the good stuff.
Kait: "I told her you had the physique of an eleven year old boy. She seemed really into it? Which is weird but, you know, you're gonna have to get used to it, so you should own it."
Becca: "She said she wanted to hold you down and I was like, 'You'll have no problem with that.'"
Kait: Oh, Howard's on. I suppose I should watch.
Becca: I was gonna say, don't you wanna see your friend.
Kait: Well, I don't know about friend. I don't even know what it is about him.
Becca: It's the mustache, don't lie.
Kait: I don't even know! I have no idea what it is. Dominic Cooper does nothing for me in anything else he's been in, I'm never like, "Oh, Dominic Cooper, you make me not a lesbian anymore." Except Howard Stark.
Becca: I love you and your taste in men that no venn diagram can capture.
Kait: Well, he is wearing a suit.
Steve: Is this a test?
Becca: Yes, Steve. Everything is a test.
Kait: He says that to Tony all the time. Tony takes advantage of it.
Becca: Tony's like. "Dick. In your mouth." Steve's like, "Is this a test?" Tony doesn't even enjoy it, he's just thinking, 'What the fuck kind of test does he think this is?'
Kait: And then thinking of fifty more things he can make into tests.
Becca: Just every time. "We need to go fuck for four hours. It's a test of--it's a test for--it's just a test, okay?" Steve's like, "Okay!" He asks Pepper, "How come Tony never gives anyone else tests?" And Pepper's like, "Test? Wait, what the fuck?" She's already texting Tony. "I'm going to set your house on fire. With you in it."
Kait; I love that no one in Brooklyn thinks it's weird that people in uniform are coming in and out of this shop all day.
Becca: I know, and that little old lady is just obsessed with the weather.
Kait: They go in looking for stuff, she won't shut up about the weather.
Becca: "I just want some postcards." "But the weather. Yeah? Yeah? The weather? ::winks::" It's Howard Stark's grandma. He's like, "She needed a job." And she really, genuinely cares about the weather! It seemed like a perfect fit!
Steve: I want to keep going! I'm okay!
Becca: Then stop screaming like a little girl!
Kait: "Seriously, you think my son's gonna wanna fuck you like that?"
Becca: He's like, "You've got pecs now!"
Kait: "Can I just cop a feel? My dying request, okay?"
Becca: "Let me just rub your chest." Although they kind of already did that, helping him out of the thing. Howard was like, "Damn. I fucking love science."
Kait: Howard Stark, let's be friends. And by "be friends" I mean "have sex." It'll be fun!
Becca: I'm so confused right now.
Kait: No one is more confused by this than me. Except for maybe Tony Stark's head.
Tommy Lee Jones: What's that?
Kait: It's suspiciously well timed.
Becca: Steve's just been waiting in the trees for a week. He's like, "No. I'm gonna wait until they declare me dead."
Kait: Marching together.
Becca: Yup, they all took time to line up like that.
Kait: With the black guy and the Asian guy in front.
Becca: The Asian guy was injured, they had to prop him up.
Bucky: Let's hear it for Captain America!
Kait: Yeah! We're all cheering! With the black guy in front--get that black guy back in the shot!
Becca: I don't care if you're tired and injured, stay in the shot!
Kait: Oh god, why do I want to fuck Howard Stark? I don't understand it.
Becca: I don't know, man.
Kait: I mean, it's like he's Tony, but with all of Tony's good qualities taken away. I guess I'm just attracted to bad people.
Becca: You have wrong opinions, person.
Kait: I know, okay? I don't understand why I want to fuck him! I feel about enough about it already, you don't have to rub it in!
Becca: Look, there are so many worse people in this movie that you could want to fuck. You could want to fuck that guy. If you were like, "Oooh, I want to fuck him!" I'd be like, "Call the doctor. You have a brain tumor. It's pressing on your common sense gland."
Kait: Oh, action scenes were happening so I forgot to pay attention again.
Becca: I want to know who's in charge of the Captain America Unfreezing research who chose a baseball game that took place BEFORE he was frozen.
Kait: "Whatever, no one will know!" Phil wasn't around. It was his lunch break, so they had some random suit do it. He comes back he's like, "What the fuck? Who did this? I leave for five minutes--it's already playing? It's too late? Fuck!"
Becca: "Somebody better play beer pong with me!" I want the fic where Coulson just loses it. "I have to run all over the country picking up you assholes. You just keep popping up--you fell off a rainbow bridge, you were frozen underwater, you're a drunk asshole--"
Kait: "I can't even get fucking doughnuts without shit hitting the fan! You think it's all about you! Ooo, I'm a drunk rich guy who's sad, I'm the god of Thunder and my dad hates me, I was frozen for seventy years and I missed my date--fuck all you assholes!"
Becca: They're all like, "Whoa. We didn't know, Phil. I mean, we expect it from Fury but what the fuck. What do you need? What can we do for you?" Steve's just in the corner, crying and apologizing. The next morning he goes into his office and there's a jetski there. Tony's like, "I'm sorry, man." Thor's like, "I made you this harp!"
Kait: Pepper's like, "It's really nice! He made me one too!"
Becca: And then Pepper and Coulson start a harp duo.
Kait: To counteract the shit that is The Bandroids.
Becca: Tony finds out he's like, "What?! What?! I asked you to play every instrument in my band! You told me you were busy." "I was busy. With Harp Band." "That's what you call that shit? Bandroids is a way better name!" Steve's like, "I've heard them, they're really good! They made me a CD!"