BAD MOVIE WEEKEND: Shark Edition! Part 1
Hello, internet! It's that time--Bad Movie Weekend has once again graced Cardigan Central.
We downloaded Sharktopus a few weeks ago to gear up, and when I was in NJ last weekend, I caught the last five minutes of Deep Blue Sea. mcwonthelottery encouraged me to DL it so we could have a shark movie weekend! We added MegaShark vs. Giant Octopus and also Hatchet, which was the last full length movie by our bud Adam Green, the creative genius behind Frozen and Spiral.
We started off Friday night with Deep Blue Sea.
Deep Blue Sea is about Saffron Burrows and her plucky crew of scientists. We open, however, on a yacht full of young party-goers who are boning each other. Or almost. I was actually in the bathroom for the first two minutes of this movie, so I can only go on what mcwonthelottery was shouting from the living room. But anyway, they were boning and interupted by a giant shark SMASHING THROUGH THE BOTTOM OF THE YACHT.
With no provocation. As sharks tend to do.
There is screaming and flailing in the water, because girls in bikinis in shark movies have all never seen a shark movie before and generally think the best way to escape is to flail around and make a lot of splashing noise. Just as they are about to be eaten, however, the shark is harpooned by this movie's Barrowman, who's standing on another boat, looking Barrowmanly.
Cut to somewhere without water. A city of some kind. Who knows which one, I wasn't paying that much attention. Saffron Burrows is getting off of a helicopter and going into an office building. It seems that the shark that was all bent out of shape after not being invited to the Boat Party in the last scene is actually a part of her super special research lab where she's trying to cure Alzheimer's. Samuel L. Jackson is the main investor behind her project, and he wants it shut down, on account of how one of her sharks escaped and nearly ate a whole yacht of attractive twenty-somethings in bikinis. Saffron begs him to reconsider and promises she'll have results by Monday before the stock exchange opens. Samuel L agrees to this plan because Samuel L is kind of an idiot in this flick.
Becca: "Wow. Sam, we need to talk."
Kait: "About that outfit?"
Becca: "About a lot of things."
Also, apparently, he's decided to come with her to her out-of-the-way shark research facility for the weekend? It's never made clear why, considering he's not a scientist. Or maybe he is? There's this whole thing about "the Alps" and "the avalanche," which the other characters refer to but he seems hesitant to talk about in a broody, manpain way.
(It should also be noted that Sam Jackson is a SUPER NERD at this point in the movie. He's wearing white slacks and a navy and white striped sweater and thick, black framed glasses and acts all nerdy and out of place among the SUPER COOL scientists. Yeah, I don't know how that works either.)
Samuel L is introduced to the intrepid band of scientists, while a whole other party boat of scientists floats away, cheering. We're informed, in a foreshadowing-y way, that the Shark!Base runs a skeleton crew on the weekends. And here's our crew now!
There's GwenTosh, the cheery blonde naive scientist who welcomes Samuel L with open arms! Girl!Chubs, who's some kind of administrator or something, who knows. Skarsgard/Owen, who's maybe some kind of medical doctor? But generally has a surly attitude and wears a lab coat and chain smokes. Boy!Chubs, who is some kind of equipment handler/assistant/not actually a scientist, and The Barrowman, who we've already seen heroically spearing a shark. (There's also LL Cool J, who is the cook and who we don't actually meet til later. He has a bird named Bird. They are the best characters in the movie.)
Barrowman hops out of the water, where he's probably been fucking the sharks. He takes an instant dislike to Samuel L because he's trying to shut the project down. He tries to psyche him out about the sharks and generally be a dipshit, before stalking off in an intimidating, Barrowmanly way. GwenTosh, however, takes pity on him and introduces him to the three test sharks they have.
GwenTosh: "Beneath the glassy surface is a world of gliding monsters."
Becca: "Oh my god, I've seen this ep of Doctor Who! There are aliens in the water! Samuel L Jackson is gonna be a sharkwife!"
They generally chill on the Shark!Base. Samuel L tries to makes friends with Barrowman by asking if he likes wreck diving. Barrowman monologues about how he was in jail or something and Saffron Burrows was the only person who would give him a chance. Then he takes off his clothes or something?
Kait: "Is he taking off his belt?"
Becca: "Are they gonna fuck? This movie just got interesting."
Kait: "I guess he really IS the Barrowman."
LL Cool J talks to Bird and makes them a cake for the surprise party for Saffron Burrows' birthday. They party and drink and awkwardly come on to each other and ignore Samuel L, who once again is asked about "the avalanche." He stoically changes the subject. Or something. Samuel L changes the subject by asking some bland questions about sharks, which GwenTosh answers while casually dropping in that genetic manipulation is against the Harvard Compact, so they totes don't do that. It's not obvious foreshadowing AT ALL, really.
Barrowman asks Boy!Chubs if he raised the shark gates another few feet. He has a crazy feeling that the sharks somehow got over the gates and that's how one of them escaped the night before. Chubs falls all over himself confirming that he did this, and then asking Barrowman to go get a beer with him. After everyone's done drinking and partying, they decide to go down and run their magical shark brain harvesting scientific experiment. Like you do, when you're tipsy.
Apparently, there's some chemical in shark's brains that can reverse human brain cell death. Or something. And all we have to do is pull it out with a bigass needle and drop it onto human brain cells for it to work! Like magic! Or so Saffron Burrows would like everyone to believe, based on her floppy disk record of her findings so far.
Kait: "When was this movie made?"
Becca: "1999. This is life. Eleven years ago. This was life when we were in high school."
Kait: "With shark-fucking and floppy disks."
They send the Barrowman through the shark tunnel with a gun to sedate a shark and lead it up into the "wet room," which has a huge ass pool in the middle for shark studying. The shark's initially freak out when they see Barrowman with the gun, first acting all synchronized and smart to try and get to him and then swimming backwards, which is apparently impossible, when they see the gun. Still, no one thinks there's anything odd about this except Samuel L, so they proceed with pulling the shark up into the wet room to jab a giant needle in its brain. Skarsgard/Owen smokes some cigarettes and explains the whole shark-needle process to everyone.
Becca: "Skarsgard is like, Owen. Exactly."
Kait: "He's gonna die. Probably twice."
Becca: "First he's gonna date rape the shark."
Saffron Burrows, meanwhile, needles the shark's brain and then pours the shark!brain!juice onto some Alzheimer's cells, which come back to life for 6.560 seconds. Everyone shouts happily and jumps up and down, because now Alzheimer's patients can get their memories back for six and a half seconds or something. But while they're celebrating, the shark starts to wake up and go a little crazy.
Becca: "The call is coming from inside the shark!"
It thrashes about and I think the ones outside start thrashing about to. Inside!shark in the wet room manages to get free and leaps out of the water to bite off Owen's entire arm. Everyone freaks. Barrowman wants to shoot the shark, but Saffron Burrows hits a button to slowly lower it into the water in order to save it. Apparently, it takes Barrowman like, fifty-five seconds to line up and take a shot, because that's how long it takes the shark to lower and as soon as Saffron Burrows hits the button, Barrowman frustratedly stops trying to shoot it.
They call for an emergency helicopter but, also, I forgot to mention, there is a convenient tropical storm coming. Even though they knew this storm was coming, they didn't evacuate or anything. That would be silly.
So, the helicopter is coming. GwenTosh is ineffectively holding a towel against Owen's arm. Samuel L, the only non!scientist (besides Chubs), finally takes off his belt to try and stop the bleeding as they get Owen on a backboard and elevator him up to where the helicopter has come in. They hook him up to the helicopter and run back inside, but, oh noes! There's some weird problem with the helicopter (note: I typed that as "velociraptor" initially.) winch! It's stuck! Then it breaks! And goes backwards! Or something. Anyway, the long and short of it is that Owen is now still attached to the backboard and the helicopter and down in the ocean. Where the sharks are.
The sharks apparently pull Owen forward without breaking the cable, so the helicopter is also pulled forward. It crashes into the main tower of the Shark!Base, killing the helicopter pilots and Girl!Chubs in the process. Down below, the a-team is freaking out. The explosion shakes the base and GwenTosh goes flying into the wet pool, where the sharks can get her!
Becca: "Barrowman will save you, GwenTosh!"
Kait: "He's like, 'Wait, I need to pull out my dick."
Becca:"If I jizz on your face it will save you from drowning."
Meanwhile, in the explosion, LL has been knocked on his ass. He quickly chugs some cooking sherry and then calls to his swearing Bird to follow him as he investigates.
The explosions go on for like, half an hour. Seriously, the entire base that's above water goes up in pyrotechnics. Apparently the sharks have been laying explosive charges in their downtime, because there's no reason half this shit should be exploding, but it is. As the a-team get their shit together, GwenTosh frantically begs them to find Owen. He's been underwater for roughly half an hour at this point, but I guess she's holding out hope. Before they can fire up the cameras, however, they see something come towards them through the huge glass front of the wet room.
Kait: "The sharks are coming! They're wearing Owen's shoes!"
Becca: "Oh my god, and smoking a cigarette!"
It's the sharks dragging Owen behind them! They smash him into the glass, which starts to crack. Samuel L, intrepid business man and not!a!scientist, starts to worry about this, suggesting perhaps they should leave the room. The scientists stare dumbly at the glass. The glass starts to splinter more. Samuel L is really insistent that maybe now they should leave. Finally, as water starts to trickle in, the scientists get with the program, though they still don't make it to the door until after the window explodes inward, with tons of water and three sharks following it.
Somehow, all of these idiots make it to the other side of the door to the wet room, only to discover there's no way off the level. There's randomly no staircases and the elevator is sealed off. Saffron Burrows glances at a map and discovers a secret maintenance shaft or something, that leads to a sub they can take to the surface, so they head towards that.
Meanwhile, LL and Bird are confused as hell. No one is answering when they try and phone other levels and they hear some weird shit down the hall, so they decide to investigate. They get as far as the stairs before water comes pouring towards them, sweeping them down the halls at it floods the entire floor.
Back with the idiot a-team, the stroll to the maintenance shaft gets weird when they start to hear odd noises. At first, GwenTosh thinks it's LL and Bird, but when they get closer to the vibrating, locked door that is also streaming water, they realize it's something else. They run to the shaft and make it through just as the door bursts open and water starts pouring into the hallway. Once the shaft door is closed behind them, Samuel L fully makes the transition from Nerd to Competent Leader.
Kait: "He's like Superman! He lost his glasses and he's gone from Nerd to Badass!"
He asks Barrowman wtf is going on and Barrowman says he's not an expert or anything, but he's pretty sure one of the sharks barged through the door in the corridor. Samuel L doesn't understand how or why the shark would do that, as sharks are not typically smart enough to make elaborate plans to flood and then conquer shark bases. All eyes turn to Saffron Burrows, who admits that she kind of, sort of broke the Harvard Compact and genetically engineered the sharks, as she wasn't getting enough shark!brain!juice out of them. She made their brains bigger, which made them super smart. Everyone smacks their foreheads at her stupidity.
Saffron Burrows: "I didn't want this to happen!"
Becca: "Oh, you didn't want supersmart sharks to explode the entire shark!base?"
Kait: "I thought that was the research plan all along. Good to know!"
Samuel L continues to be HBIC and leads them all towards the sub. While they're glaring at Saffron Burrows, LL and Bird still have no frigging idea what's going on. They wade through chest deep water, calling for help, until they see one of the frigging super smart sharks coming towards them. Bird flies the fuck away and LL runs back to the kitchen, where he lays in wait with a frying pan. Because a frying pan will totally win in a fight with a shark. The other dudes reach the sub room, only to find that the sharks were smart enough to destroy the sub, so now they've lost their only way out.
LL manages to climb a high shelf to hide from the shark, but Bird is just chilling in the middle of the water. LL tries to get bird to come to saftey, but the shark tragically eats him. LL knows that he's next, so comes up with a crazy plan to hide in an oven. Except the shark is super smart enough to turn on the oven? Or something. Anyway, he manages to use an axe that he conveniently has to break through the top of the oven and climb out. He rushes away, while the shark's nose is stuck in the bottom oven, and throws a lighter behind him, blowing up the entire kitchen and the shark in the process, even though the oven's only been on for like, a minute or so. But whatevs, it's hardly the most illogical thing about this movie.
Back with the a-team--or should we call them the f-team--everyone is arguing about the shark-destroyed sub. They debate putting on wetsuits and swimming to the surface, but they're afraid of the sharks. Everyone starts arguing, until Samuel L stands on the edge of the pool and shouts for their attention.
Samuel L: "When the avalanche came..."
Kait and Becca: "::hysterical laughter::"
Samuel L: "I don't know when we turned on each other..."
Becca: "But Harry was DELICIOUS."
Yes, we finally get the story of the avalanche! Apparently there was an avalanche and seven people got trapped, then two people were killed by in-fighting, then the rest of them escaped, or something. Samuel L gives a moving speech about how they need to stick together and focus on their goal and not fight, only to be eaten by a shark halfway through.
Seriously, the shark just jumps out of the pool that Samuel L is standing on the edge of and chomps him down.
Everyone panics and runs out some elevator shaft to escape. The chamber is filling with water and also the top is burning, but as long as they can climb the ladder faster than the shaft can fill with water, they can make it to the second floor and find a way out? Or something. Anyway, halfway up, the ladder collapses and GwenTosh falls into the water. Barrowman tries to save her, but she can't reach him. Until the shark eats her legs and pushes her up closer to the fallen ladder.
Becca: "I'll get your torso, it'll be fine! We can surgically attach you to a shark."
Kait: "And that'll be the sequel."
With GwenTosh tragically lost, Barrowman, Chubs, and Saffron Burrows trudge through to level two, where they reunite with LL! They go through GwenTosh's things to try and find something to help. Chubs makes vague references to a vibrator. Saffron Burrows refuses to escape without her precious floppy discs of research, so she wades through the waist deep water to her quarters, while Chubs and Barrowman go back down to the initial wet room to... do something that I'm not clear on and LL stays in GwenTosh's room and records a video message about how to make an omelet. In Saffron Burrows' room, she's attacked by a shark that tries to eat her floppy discs. She escapes by taking all her clothes off, randomly, and then electrocuting the shark. The taking-her-clothes-off was apparently an important step. In the wet room, Chubs is tragically eaten by a shark, before even getting a chance to bone Barrowman. Poor Chubs. His life was so hard.
Kait: "If I had to guess which black dude would live to the end of the movie, I would not have put my money on LL. What do you know!"
Barrowman, Saffron Burrows, and LL reconvene and find some other way out, that involves distracting the sharks with fire extinguishers and swimming to the surface. IDK, I thought it was dumb too, especially since they let the fire extinguishers go right next to where they were actually swimming. Distraction Fail.
They make it to the surface! All seems well! Until the last shark bites LL's leg!
Kait: "Noooooo! LL!"
Becca: "I am officially rooting for the shark!"
LL survives and is pulled to the floating wreckage of Shark!Base by Barrowman. Barrowman and Saffron Burrows realize that the sharks have been herding the humans to this point in some kind of an attempt to flood the base enough to get the shark fence down. You see, the ocean part of the shark fence is titanium and impenetrable, but the top part is just a normal fence that they can bust through to get to the actualfax ocean. There is one last super!smart shark and it wants out, so Saffron Burrows and Barrowman come up with a way to kill it. Unfortunately, it's not cooperating. At this point, Saffron Burrows realizes it's because the shark needs bait, so she cuts the fuck out of her hands and jumps into the ocean. Unfortunately, she spends a little too much time acting like a decoy and can't get to saftey in time.
Becca: "Sure, put the harpoon down, Barrowman. He's like, 'I'm gonna fuck that shark into submission!'"
Becca: "Seriously, Barrowman and LL are the only ones who survive? I mean, I ship it, but..."
Saffron Burrows dies tragically, but LL regains consciousness just in time to grab the harpoon and kill the shark, saving Barrowman's life.
Becca: "For a second I thought Samuel L was back from the dead. Best movie ever!"
LL and Barrowman relax on the wreckage of shark base, just as a boat approaches with the rest of the crew who took off for the weekend. They laugh heartily about how they've now officially quit their dumbass shark jobs, even though the shark!base is pretty much destroyed and I don't think anyone would expect them to stay on. THE END.
Oh, and over the ending credits? LL COOL J DOES A SHARK RAP. NOT EVEN FUCKING KIDDING.
What a ride, internet. You'd think we were sick of sharks after that, but after a bathroom break and refilling our glasses, it was on to SHARKTOPUS.
Sharktopus starts off with an idyllic beach scene, filled with girls in bikinis. One particular girl is going out for a swim, leaving her friend at the shore. Her friend glances into the water and sees A SHARK! She flails in panic, trying to get her friend's attention, but just as the shark is about to eat the swimmer, a giant tentacle comes out of nowhere and grabs the shark.
Yes, ladies and gentleman. Less than two minutes into Sharktopus, the sharktopus pulls a shark out of the water and eats it, against a background of screaming bikini girls. That pretty much sets the tone for the whole movie.
Cut to a genericy looking laboratory. Old!Barrowman is excitedly watching the test with GwenTosh, his daughter who looks kind of like Rachael Leigh Cook in She's All That pre-"makeover," and a military dude. He and GwenTosh have been working on the sharktopus project for like, a million years, since GwenTosh learned how to add. He spends a lot of time stroking her hair and shoulders and calling her pumpkin, because vague incest is totally creepy sexy? Anyway, they're bragging about the sharktopus, when the military guy asks if they can do some kind of maneuver. GwenTosh doesn't think it's ready, so military guy is like, "Okay, whatev, I'll catch it next time," but Old!Barrowman insists. Of course, the sharktopus knocks off its electric collar. Military guy immediately insists they shut down the project by activating the sharktopus' self-destruct, but Old!Barrowman refuses, even as his daughter is like, "WTF YES WE NEED TO DO THIS IMMEDIATELY." They wait too long and the self-destruct is messed up, making it impossible to activate it.
Military guy insists they stop the sharktopus at all costs and leaves in a huff. Old!Barrowman thinks they should capture it. GwenTosh thinks it needs to be destroyed, but goes along with touchy!daddy's plan. LL Cool J (not the actual LL Cool J--he's not in this one. We just decided he is a new archetype in our list of bad movie roles) suggests they seek the help of Young!Barrowman, who used to work for them until something regarding money happened and he quit in a huff. Old!Barrowman reluctantly agrees.
Meanwhile, the sharktopus goes on a rampage, killing some dudes who are working on a boat and also some other people before heading down to Mexico.
Kait: "This jsut turned into tentacle porn?"
Becca: "And they just acknowledged the camera with fake blood splatter."
While Old!Barrowman, LL Cool J, and GwenTosh try and convince Young!Barrowman to stop playing volleyball with sexy ladies in his swimming pool (not a metaphor.) (well, he was probably boning them too, come to think of it. He is the Barrowman.), Reporter!Chick and Cameraman have heard reports of the sharktopus and are interviewing Howard Dean about his sighting of it. Howard Dean is reluctant, but he's a lovable, down-on-his-luck drunk, so when they offer him like, $300 for an interview, he takes it.
Back with the Barrowmans, Old!Barrowman has retreated to drink on a yacht while Young!Barrowman, GwenTosh, and LL Cool J explain the plan to each other. GwenTosh has some special darts that they need to hit the sharktopus with to get back electronic control of its brain or something. But it's hard to shoot the darts under water, so Young!Barrowman, LL Cool J, and an intrepid team of divers need to herd the sharktopus above water, so it can be zapped with a dart. There is no way this plan can fail!
YoungBarrowman: "Why don't you just nail it underwater with your dart?"
Becca: "That's what the other Barrowman does. He nails it underwater."
Meanwhile, the sharktopus is just chilling, eating people on the coast of Mexico.
Kait: "I can't wait til the Sharktopus grabs her off the bungee cord!"
Becca: "It'll be almost as good as in Shark Attack 3 when he gets the hanglider."
Becca: "He's like, 'Thanks for setting up that snack zipline.'"
Some radio dude operating out of a boat in the harbor gets word of the sharktopus but doesn't believe it. Also, ReporterChick, Cameraman, and Howard Dean have returned to the place where Howard Dean last saw the sharktopus. As they're recording and people are frolicking on the beach, the sharktopus strikes again.
Kait: "Oh, I hope it gets the white guy with dreads. He really deserves it."
Becca: "Even the fucking dog in Shark Attack 3 knew not to run into the water."
Chaos. Destruction. Terrible CGI. Back on his yacht of not caring, Old!Barrowman watches ReporterChick's clip of the sharktopus and drinks more scotch. The military calls him to ask him wtf is going on and he basically hangs up on them. Old!Barrowman is super classy.
Young!Barrowman, LL Cool J, and GwenTosh are headed towards the last known sighting of the sharktopus. Young!Barrowman is constantly hitting on GwenTosh, but she is generally unreceptive. I guess living with Barrowman for a dad has made her immune to the usual Barrowman sexy mindcontrol powers.
Becca: "I'm glad she's got wireless out there. She really is Tosh."
Kait: "I was gonna say..."
Guys, nothing really happens in the middle of this movie. Young!Barrowman, Gwen!Tosh, and LL Cool J drive around in their boat chasing the sharktopus, which goes in and out of their radar. ReporterChick, Howard Dean, and Cameraman drive around in a minivan, trying to get footage of the sharktopus. Old!Barrowman drinks a lot. The sharktopus eats people. Someone calls for Old!Barrowman.
Kait: "Ha! Cocks [Cox]."
Becca: "I'm glad you said that."
Generally, no one knows what to do. A lot of girls in bikinis scream at the top of their lungs. Some of them get eaten. Team!Young!Barrowman dives to try and corner the sharktopus to get a tracker in it, but everyone is killed except for Young!Barrowman, Gwen!Tosh, and LL Cool J. The sharktopus keeps eating people.
Becca: "We need the BAU. They're gonna profile this shark."
Kait: "I feel like the drunk Howard Dean of this movie should have been played by Bruce Campbell."
Young!Barrowman and GwenTosh continue to have pasted on sexual tension, which mostly consists of Young!Barrowman flashing his pecs at her and sitting too close.
Becca: "They boned."
Kait: "He's the Barrowman. Of course they boned. He's boned everyone in this movie."
Becca: "There's a weird accent that she sometimes has that her father does not. 'You're my adopted daughter, that's why it's okay to bone you.'"
Becca: "Is it cooing? Barrowman, you are awful at shark noises."
Kait: "They only paid him $45, not his customary $50, so he didn't bring his A-game."
Eventually, after the sharktopus has basically eaten half the vacationers in Mexico, GwenTosh, LL Cool J, and Young!Barrowman decide to fuck Old!Barrowman's plan and try to kill the sharktopus instead of merely capturing it. Old!Barrowman is not pleased to hear this news and yells at everyone, while also calling his security thugs in so they can stop Young!Barrowman from killing the sharktopus.
Becca: "Is he boning him?"
Kait: "Two Barrowmans boning each other? Wouldn't the world implode?"
Becca: "Barrowman's like, 'Why didn't I think of this sooner?' He clears the Torchwood Season 4 sets and all of the little dogs out of his basement and builds a cloning lab."
They drive around in their boat chasing the sharktopus more. Seriously, guys, most of this movie is an excuse for Young!Barrowman to flash his bare chest and girls to scream while running around in bikinis. In an attempt to say "Fuck y'all AND this popsicle stand!" to ReporterChick and Cameraman, Howard Dean is tragically eaten by the sharktopus. GwenTosh starts to warm up to Young!Barrowman. LL Cool J starts thinking about a threesome.
GwenTosh: "I've been horrible to you This entire time, and you don't deserve it."
Becca: "That's not true."
Kait: "The Barrowman always deserves it."
Becca: "ALWAYS."
They finally come up with an alternative plan that involves luring the sharktopus to them with lots of fish guts. Apparently this does not lure any other creatures, just the sharktopus. Young!Barrwoman lies in wait with a machine gun, which will totally, 100% kill the sharktopus, even though it's a million feet long, capable of eating an entire boat, even though it took half the movie for it to do so.
Kait: "This is the first time Sharktopus has eaten an entire ship. I like to think it's directly related to how much of an asshole that guy is."
Their genius plan backfires when LL Cool J is pulled into the water and the machine gun proves ineffective.
Kait: "NOOOOOOO! LL COOL J!"
Becca: "They're never gonna have that threesome now!"
Young!Barrowman is gutted by this loss.
Kait: "Oh, good. I'm glad he took of his shirt for this scene. His pectorals need to, you know, throb with emotion."
The movie IS STILL GOING ON.
Becca: "Oh my god, my soul hurts."
The sharktopus finds a seaside resort and takes to land. Ish. Young!Barrowman and GwenTosh race to the resort to try and stop it.
"Excuse me, everyone. There's a giant shark octopus hybrid headed this way, so please leave the Marina in a timely fashion." #actualfaxquote
At the resort, they run into Old!Barrowman and his goons, who are still set on taming the sharktopus, even as it devours tourists right in front of them. The sharktopus nearly kills Young!Barrowman, who is still ineffectively shooting at it with a machine gun, despite the fact that it hasn't even slowed the sucker down so far. Old!Barrowman orders his goons to stop Young!Barrowman. That is, until sharktopus gets its tentacles around Old!Barrowman. With his dying breath, he tells GwenTosh about a secret program hidden inside the sharktopus that she can activate to explode its brain. In order to do that, she needs to reestablish a network with it, which means hitting it with one of those darts from the beginning of the movie. AND THERE IS ONLY ONE DART LEFT.
Young!Barrowman and GwenTosh race to some further resort where the sharktopus has retreated to, stealing ReporterChick and Cameraman's minivan to do so. They follow the screams of terror until they find another resort where the sharktopus is being a menace.
Kait: "I still don't understand where the spikes come from. Or how he breathes above water."
Becca: "I'm glad you're still trying to find logic in this."
GwenTosh: "What are you going to do?"
Becca: "I'm going to fuck it to death."
GwenTosh quickly explains the dart plan to Young!Barrowman. While this is happening, both ReporterChick and Cameraman get killed. GwenTosh and Young!Barrowman manage to hit the sharktopus with the dart, however, GwenTosh figures out that the program is locked and she needs to break the password. She tries a lot of stupid things while Young!Barrowman engages in hand-to-hand combat with the sharktopus and magically manages to hold his own, even though it has like, a million tentacles that it could, theoretically, use to grab him and eat him. GwenTosh figures out the password just in the nick of time and blows sharktopus' brains to high heaven.
As GwenTosh catches her breath, Young!Barrowman appears, having miraculously survived the blast. Covered in blood, he holds her close as the movie fades to black.
Becca: "That was like, the worst movie ever. We need to watch 'Karla' again."
And I think that really says it all, folks. Tomorrow we'll continue with the reviews of Hatchet and MegaShark vs. Giant Octopus.
We downloaded Sharktopus a few weeks ago to gear up, and when I was in NJ last weekend, I caught the last five minutes of Deep Blue Sea. mcwonthelottery encouraged me to DL it so we could have a shark movie weekend! We added MegaShark vs. Giant Octopus and also Hatchet, which was the last full length movie by our bud Adam Green, the creative genius behind Frozen and Spiral.
We started off Friday night with Deep Blue Sea.
Deep Blue Sea is about Saffron Burrows and her plucky crew of scientists. We open, however, on a yacht full of young party-goers who are boning each other. Or almost. I was actually in the bathroom for the first two minutes of this movie, so I can only go on what mcwonthelottery was shouting from the living room. But anyway, they were boning and interupted by a giant shark SMASHING THROUGH THE BOTTOM OF THE YACHT.
With no provocation. As sharks tend to do.
There is screaming and flailing in the water, because girls in bikinis in shark movies have all never seen a shark movie before and generally think the best way to escape is to flail around and make a lot of splashing noise. Just as they are about to be eaten, however, the shark is harpooned by this movie's Barrowman, who's standing on another boat, looking Barrowmanly.
Cut to somewhere without water. A city of some kind. Who knows which one, I wasn't paying that much attention. Saffron Burrows is getting off of a helicopter and going into an office building. It seems that the shark that was all bent out of shape after not being invited to the Boat Party in the last scene is actually a part of her super special research lab where she's trying to cure Alzheimer's. Samuel L. Jackson is the main investor behind her project, and he wants it shut down, on account of how one of her sharks escaped and nearly ate a whole yacht of attractive twenty-somethings in bikinis. Saffron begs him to reconsider and promises she'll have results by Monday before the stock exchange opens. Samuel L agrees to this plan because Samuel L is kind of an idiot in this flick.
Becca: "Wow. Sam, we need to talk."
Kait: "About that outfit?"
Becca: "About a lot of things."
Also, apparently, he's decided to come with her to her out-of-the-way shark research facility for the weekend? It's never made clear why, considering he's not a scientist. Or maybe he is? There's this whole thing about "the Alps" and "the avalanche," which the other characters refer to but he seems hesitant to talk about in a broody, manpain way.
(It should also be noted that Sam Jackson is a SUPER NERD at this point in the movie. He's wearing white slacks and a navy and white striped sweater and thick, black framed glasses and acts all nerdy and out of place among the SUPER COOL scientists. Yeah, I don't know how that works either.)
Samuel L is introduced to the intrepid band of scientists, while a whole other party boat of scientists floats away, cheering. We're informed, in a foreshadowing-y way, that the Shark!Base runs a skeleton crew on the weekends. And here's our crew now!
There's GwenTosh, the cheery blonde naive scientist who welcomes Samuel L with open arms! Girl!Chubs, who's some kind of administrator or something, who knows. Skarsgard/Owen, who's maybe some kind of medical doctor? But generally has a surly attitude and wears a lab coat and chain smokes. Boy!Chubs, who is some kind of equipment handler/assistant/not actually a scientist, and The Barrowman, who we've already seen heroically spearing a shark. (There's also LL Cool J, who is the cook and who we don't actually meet til later. He has a bird named Bird. They are the best characters in the movie.)
Barrowman hops out of the water, where he's probably been fucking the sharks. He takes an instant dislike to Samuel L because he's trying to shut the project down. He tries to psyche him out about the sharks and generally be a dipshit, before stalking off in an intimidating, Barrowmanly way. GwenTosh, however, takes pity on him and introduces him to the three test sharks they have.
GwenTosh: "Beneath the glassy surface is a world of gliding monsters."
Becca: "Oh my god, I've seen this ep of Doctor Who! There are aliens in the water! Samuel L Jackson is gonna be a sharkwife!"
They generally chill on the Shark!Base. Samuel L tries to makes friends with Barrowman by asking if he likes wreck diving. Barrowman monologues about how he was in jail or something and Saffron Burrows was the only person who would give him a chance. Then he takes off his clothes or something?
Kait: "Is he taking off his belt?"
Becca: "Are they gonna fuck? This movie just got interesting."
Kait: "I guess he really IS the Barrowman."
LL Cool J talks to Bird and makes them a cake for the surprise party for Saffron Burrows' birthday. They party and drink and awkwardly come on to each other and ignore Samuel L, who once again is asked about "the avalanche." He stoically changes the subject. Or something. Samuel L changes the subject by asking some bland questions about sharks, which GwenTosh answers while casually dropping in that genetic manipulation is against the Harvard Compact, so they totes don't do that. It's not obvious foreshadowing AT ALL, really.
Barrowman asks Boy!Chubs if he raised the shark gates another few feet. He has a crazy feeling that the sharks somehow got over the gates and that's how one of them escaped the night before. Chubs falls all over himself confirming that he did this, and then asking Barrowman to go get a beer with him. After everyone's done drinking and partying, they decide to go down and run their magical shark brain harvesting scientific experiment. Like you do, when you're tipsy.
Apparently, there's some chemical in shark's brains that can reverse human brain cell death. Or something. And all we have to do is pull it out with a bigass needle and drop it onto human brain cells for it to work! Like magic! Or so Saffron Burrows would like everyone to believe, based on her floppy disk record of her findings so far.
Kait: "When was this movie made?"
Becca: "1999. This is life. Eleven years ago. This was life when we were in high school."
Kait: "With shark-fucking and floppy disks."
They send the Barrowman through the shark tunnel with a gun to sedate a shark and lead it up into the "wet room," which has a huge ass pool in the middle for shark studying. The shark's initially freak out when they see Barrowman with the gun, first acting all synchronized and smart to try and get to him and then swimming backwards, which is apparently impossible, when they see the gun. Still, no one thinks there's anything odd about this except Samuel L, so they proceed with pulling the shark up into the wet room to jab a giant needle in its brain. Skarsgard/Owen smokes some cigarettes and explains the whole shark-needle process to everyone.
Becca: "Skarsgard is like, Owen. Exactly."
Kait: "He's gonna die. Probably twice."
Becca: "First he's gonna date rape the shark."
Saffron Burrows, meanwhile, needles the shark's brain and then pours the shark!brain!juice onto some Alzheimer's cells, which come back to life for 6.560 seconds. Everyone shouts happily and jumps up and down, because now Alzheimer's patients can get their memories back for six and a half seconds or something. But while they're celebrating, the shark starts to wake up and go a little crazy.
Becca: "The call is coming from inside the shark!"
It thrashes about and I think the ones outside start thrashing about to. Inside!shark in the wet room manages to get free and leaps out of the water to bite off Owen's entire arm. Everyone freaks. Barrowman wants to shoot the shark, but Saffron Burrows hits a button to slowly lower it into the water in order to save it. Apparently, it takes Barrowman like, fifty-five seconds to line up and take a shot, because that's how long it takes the shark to lower and as soon as Saffron Burrows hits the button, Barrowman frustratedly stops trying to shoot it.
They call for an emergency helicopter but, also, I forgot to mention, there is a convenient tropical storm coming. Even though they knew this storm was coming, they didn't evacuate or anything. That would be silly.
So, the helicopter is coming. GwenTosh is ineffectively holding a towel against Owen's arm. Samuel L, the only non!scientist (besides Chubs), finally takes off his belt to try and stop the bleeding as they get Owen on a backboard and elevator him up to where the helicopter has come in. They hook him up to the helicopter and run back inside, but, oh noes! There's some weird problem with the helicopter (note: I typed that as "velociraptor" initially.) winch! It's stuck! Then it breaks! And goes backwards! Or something. Anyway, the long and short of it is that Owen is now still attached to the backboard and the helicopter and down in the ocean. Where the sharks are.
The sharks apparently pull Owen forward without breaking the cable, so the helicopter is also pulled forward. It crashes into the main tower of the Shark!Base, killing the helicopter pilots and Girl!Chubs in the process. Down below, the a-team is freaking out. The explosion shakes the base and GwenTosh goes flying into the wet pool, where the sharks can get her!
Becca: "Barrowman will save you, GwenTosh!"
Kait: "He's like, 'Wait, I need to pull out my dick."
Becca:"If I jizz on your face it will save you from drowning."
Meanwhile, in the explosion, LL has been knocked on his ass. He quickly chugs some cooking sherry and then calls to his swearing Bird to follow him as he investigates.
The explosions go on for like, half an hour. Seriously, the entire base that's above water goes up in pyrotechnics. Apparently the sharks have been laying explosive charges in their downtime, because there's no reason half this shit should be exploding, but it is. As the a-team get their shit together, GwenTosh frantically begs them to find Owen. He's been underwater for roughly half an hour at this point, but I guess she's holding out hope. Before they can fire up the cameras, however, they see something come towards them through the huge glass front of the wet room.
Kait: "The sharks are coming! They're wearing Owen's shoes!"
Becca: "Oh my god, and smoking a cigarette!"
It's the sharks dragging Owen behind them! They smash him into the glass, which starts to crack. Samuel L, intrepid business man and not!a!scientist, starts to worry about this, suggesting perhaps they should leave the room. The scientists stare dumbly at the glass. The glass starts to splinter more. Samuel L is really insistent that maybe now they should leave. Finally, as water starts to trickle in, the scientists get with the program, though they still don't make it to the door until after the window explodes inward, with tons of water and three sharks following it.
Somehow, all of these idiots make it to the other side of the door to the wet room, only to discover there's no way off the level. There's randomly no staircases and the elevator is sealed off. Saffron Burrows glances at a map and discovers a secret maintenance shaft or something, that leads to a sub they can take to the surface, so they head towards that.
Meanwhile, LL and Bird are confused as hell. No one is answering when they try and phone other levels and they hear some weird shit down the hall, so they decide to investigate. They get as far as the stairs before water comes pouring towards them, sweeping them down the halls at it floods the entire floor.
Back with the idiot a-team, the stroll to the maintenance shaft gets weird when they start to hear odd noises. At first, GwenTosh thinks it's LL and Bird, but when they get closer to the vibrating, locked door that is also streaming water, they realize it's something else. They run to the shaft and make it through just as the door bursts open and water starts pouring into the hallway. Once the shaft door is closed behind them, Samuel L fully makes the transition from Nerd to Competent Leader.
Kait: "He's like Superman! He lost his glasses and he's gone from Nerd to Badass!"
He asks Barrowman wtf is going on and Barrowman says he's not an expert or anything, but he's pretty sure one of the sharks barged through the door in the corridor. Samuel L doesn't understand how or why the shark would do that, as sharks are not typically smart enough to make elaborate plans to flood and then conquer shark bases. All eyes turn to Saffron Burrows, who admits that she kind of, sort of broke the Harvard Compact and genetically engineered the sharks, as she wasn't getting enough shark!brain!juice out of them. She made their brains bigger, which made them super smart. Everyone smacks their foreheads at her stupidity.
Saffron Burrows: "I didn't want this to happen!"
Becca: "Oh, you didn't want supersmart sharks to explode the entire shark!base?"
Kait: "I thought that was the research plan all along. Good to know!"
Samuel L continues to be HBIC and leads them all towards the sub. While they're glaring at Saffron Burrows, LL and Bird still have no frigging idea what's going on. They wade through chest deep water, calling for help, until they see one of the frigging super smart sharks coming towards them. Bird flies the fuck away and LL runs back to the kitchen, where he lays in wait with a frying pan. Because a frying pan will totally win in a fight with a shark. The other dudes reach the sub room, only to find that the sharks were smart enough to destroy the sub, so now they've lost their only way out.
LL manages to climb a high shelf to hide from the shark, but Bird is just chilling in the middle of the water. LL tries to get bird to come to saftey, but the shark tragically eats him. LL knows that he's next, so comes up with a crazy plan to hide in an oven. Except the shark is super smart enough to turn on the oven? Or something. Anyway, he manages to use an axe that he conveniently has to break through the top of the oven and climb out. He rushes away, while the shark's nose is stuck in the bottom oven, and throws a lighter behind him, blowing up the entire kitchen and the shark in the process, even though the oven's only been on for like, a minute or so. But whatevs, it's hardly the most illogical thing about this movie.
Back with the a-team--or should we call them the f-team--everyone is arguing about the shark-destroyed sub. They debate putting on wetsuits and swimming to the surface, but they're afraid of the sharks. Everyone starts arguing, until Samuel L stands on the edge of the pool and shouts for their attention.
Samuel L: "When the avalanche came..."
Kait and Becca: "::hysterical laughter::"
Samuel L: "I don't know when we turned on each other..."
Becca: "But Harry was DELICIOUS."
Yes, we finally get the story of the avalanche! Apparently there was an avalanche and seven people got trapped, then two people were killed by in-fighting, then the rest of them escaped, or something. Samuel L gives a moving speech about how they need to stick together and focus on their goal and not fight, only to be eaten by a shark halfway through.
Seriously, the shark just jumps out of the pool that Samuel L is standing on the edge of and chomps him down.
Everyone panics and runs out some elevator shaft to escape. The chamber is filling with water and also the top is burning, but as long as they can climb the ladder faster than the shaft can fill with water, they can make it to the second floor and find a way out? Or something. Anyway, halfway up, the ladder collapses and GwenTosh falls into the water. Barrowman tries to save her, but she can't reach him. Until the shark eats her legs and pushes her up closer to the fallen ladder.
Becca: "I'll get your torso, it'll be fine! We can surgically attach you to a shark."
Kait: "And that'll be the sequel."
With GwenTosh tragically lost, Barrowman, Chubs, and Saffron Burrows trudge through to level two, where they reunite with LL! They go through GwenTosh's things to try and find something to help. Chubs makes vague references to a vibrator. Saffron Burrows refuses to escape without her precious floppy discs of research, so she wades through the waist deep water to her quarters, while Chubs and Barrowman go back down to the initial wet room to... do something that I'm not clear on and LL stays in GwenTosh's room and records a video message about how to make an omelet. In Saffron Burrows' room, she's attacked by a shark that tries to eat her floppy discs. She escapes by taking all her clothes off, randomly, and then electrocuting the shark. The taking-her-clothes-off was apparently an important step. In the wet room, Chubs is tragically eaten by a shark, before even getting a chance to bone Barrowman. Poor Chubs. His life was so hard.
Kait: "If I had to guess which black dude would live to the end of the movie, I would not have put my money on LL. What do you know!"
Barrowman, Saffron Burrows, and LL reconvene and find some other way out, that involves distracting the sharks with fire extinguishers and swimming to the surface. IDK, I thought it was dumb too, especially since they let the fire extinguishers go right next to where they were actually swimming. Distraction Fail.
They make it to the surface! All seems well! Until the last shark bites LL's leg!
Kait: "Noooooo! LL!"
Becca: "I am officially rooting for the shark!"
LL survives and is pulled to the floating wreckage of Shark!Base by Barrowman. Barrowman and Saffron Burrows realize that the sharks have been herding the humans to this point in some kind of an attempt to flood the base enough to get the shark fence down. You see, the ocean part of the shark fence is titanium and impenetrable, but the top part is just a normal fence that they can bust through to get to the actualfax ocean. There is one last super!smart shark and it wants out, so Saffron Burrows and Barrowman come up with a way to kill it. Unfortunately, it's not cooperating. At this point, Saffron Burrows realizes it's because the shark needs bait, so she cuts the fuck out of her hands and jumps into the ocean. Unfortunately, she spends a little too much time acting like a decoy and can't get to saftey in time.
Becca: "Sure, put the harpoon down, Barrowman. He's like, 'I'm gonna fuck that shark into submission!'"
Becca: "Seriously, Barrowman and LL are the only ones who survive? I mean, I ship it, but..."
Saffron Burrows dies tragically, but LL regains consciousness just in time to grab the harpoon and kill the shark, saving Barrowman's life.
Becca: "For a second I thought Samuel L was back from the dead. Best movie ever!"
LL and Barrowman relax on the wreckage of shark base, just as a boat approaches with the rest of the crew who took off for the weekend. They laugh heartily about how they've now officially quit their dumbass shark jobs, even though the shark!base is pretty much destroyed and I don't think anyone would expect them to stay on. THE END.
Oh, and over the ending credits? LL COOL J DOES A SHARK RAP. NOT EVEN FUCKING KIDDING.
What a ride, internet. You'd think we were sick of sharks after that, but after a bathroom break and refilling our glasses, it was on to SHARKTOPUS.
Sharktopus starts off with an idyllic beach scene, filled with girls in bikinis. One particular girl is going out for a swim, leaving her friend at the shore. Her friend glances into the water and sees A SHARK! She flails in panic, trying to get her friend's attention, but just as the shark is about to eat the swimmer, a giant tentacle comes out of nowhere and grabs the shark.
Yes, ladies and gentleman. Less than two minutes into Sharktopus, the sharktopus pulls a shark out of the water and eats it, against a background of screaming bikini girls. That pretty much sets the tone for the whole movie.
Cut to a genericy looking laboratory. Old!Barrowman is excitedly watching the test with GwenTosh, his daughter who looks kind of like Rachael Leigh Cook in She's All That pre-"makeover," and a military dude. He and GwenTosh have been working on the sharktopus project for like, a million years, since GwenTosh learned how to add. He spends a lot of time stroking her hair and shoulders and calling her pumpkin, because vague incest is totally creepy sexy? Anyway, they're bragging about the sharktopus, when the military guy asks if they can do some kind of maneuver. GwenTosh doesn't think it's ready, so military guy is like, "Okay, whatev, I'll catch it next time," but Old!Barrowman insists. Of course, the sharktopus knocks off its electric collar. Military guy immediately insists they shut down the project by activating the sharktopus' self-destruct, but Old!Barrowman refuses, even as his daughter is like, "WTF YES WE NEED TO DO THIS IMMEDIATELY." They wait too long and the self-destruct is messed up, making it impossible to activate it.
Military guy insists they stop the sharktopus at all costs and leaves in a huff. Old!Barrowman thinks they should capture it. GwenTosh thinks it needs to be destroyed, but goes along with touchy!daddy's plan. LL Cool J (not the actual LL Cool J--he's not in this one. We just decided he is a new archetype in our list of bad movie roles) suggests they seek the help of Young!Barrowman, who used to work for them until something regarding money happened and he quit in a huff. Old!Barrowman reluctantly agrees.
Meanwhile, the sharktopus goes on a rampage, killing some dudes who are working on a boat and also some other people before heading down to Mexico.
Kait: "This jsut turned into tentacle porn?"
Becca: "And they just acknowledged the camera with fake blood splatter."
While Old!Barrowman, LL Cool J, and GwenTosh try and convince Young!Barrowman to stop playing volleyball with sexy ladies in his swimming pool (not a metaphor.) (well, he was probably boning them too, come to think of it. He is the Barrowman.), Reporter!Chick and Cameraman have heard reports of the sharktopus and are interviewing Howard Dean about his sighting of it. Howard Dean is reluctant, but he's a lovable, down-on-his-luck drunk, so when they offer him like, $300 for an interview, he takes it.
Back with the Barrowmans, Old!Barrowman has retreated to drink on a yacht while Young!Barrowman, GwenTosh, and LL Cool J explain the plan to each other. GwenTosh has some special darts that they need to hit the sharktopus with to get back electronic control of its brain or something. But it's hard to shoot the darts under water, so Young!Barrowman, LL Cool J, and an intrepid team of divers need to herd the sharktopus above water, so it can be zapped with a dart. There is no way this plan can fail!
YoungBarrowman: "Why don't you just nail it underwater with your dart?"
Becca: "That's what the other Barrowman does. He nails it underwater."
Meanwhile, the sharktopus is just chilling, eating people on the coast of Mexico.
Kait: "I can't wait til the Sharktopus grabs her off the bungee cord!"
Becca: "It'll be almost as good as in Shark Attack 3 when he gets the hanglider."
Becca: "He's like, 'Thanks for setting up that snack zipline.'"
Some radio dude operating out of a boat in the harbor gets word of the sharktopus but doesn't believe it. Also, ReporterChick, Cameraman, and Howard Dean have returned to the place where Howard Dean last saw the sharktopus. As they're recording and people are frolicking on the beach, the sharktopus strikes again.
Kait: "Oh, I hope it gets the white guy with dreads. He really deserves it."
Becca: "Even the fucking dog in Shark Attack 3 knew not to run into the water."
Chaos. Destruction. Terrible CGI. Back on his yacht of not caring, Old!Barrowman watches ReporterChick's clip of the sharktopus and drinks more scotch. The military calls him to ask him wtf is going on and he basically hangs up on them. Old!Barrowman is super classy.
Young!Barrowman, LL Cool J, and GwenTosh are headed towards the last known sighting of the sharktopus. Young!Barrowman is constantly hitting on GwenTosh, but she is generally unreceptive. I guess living with Barrowman for a dad has made her immune to the usual Barrowman sexy mindcontrol powers.
Becca: "I'm glad she's got wireless out there. She really is Tosh."
Kait: "I was gonna say..."
Guys, nothing really happens in the middle of this movie. Young!Barrowman, Gwen!Tosh, and LL Cool J drive around in their boat chasing the sharktopus, which goes in and out of their radar. ReporterChick, Howard Dean, and Cameraman drive around in a minivan, trying to get footage of the sharktopus. Old!Barrowman drinks a lot. The sharktopus eats people. Someone calls for Old!Barrowman.
Kait: "Ha! Cocks [Cox]."
Becca: "I'm glad you said that."
Generally, no one knows what to do. A lot of girls in bikinis scream at the top of their lungs. Some of them get eaten. Team!Young!Barrowman dives to try and corner the sharktopus to get a tracker in it, but everyone is killed except for Young!Barrowman, Gwen!Tosh, and LL Cool J. The sharktopus keeps eating people.
Becca: "We need the BAU. They're gonna profile this shark."
Kait: "I feel like the drunk Howard Dean of this movie should have been played by Bruce Campbell."
Young!Barrowman and GwenTosh continue to have pasted on sexual tension, which mostly consists of Young!Barrowman flashing his pecs at her and sitting too close.
Becca: "They boned."
Kait: "He's the Barrowman. Of course they boned. He's boned everyone in this movie."
Becca: "There's a weird accent that she sometimes has that her father does not. 'You're my adopted daughter, that's why it's okay to bone you.'"
Becca: "Is it cooing? Barrowman, you are awful at shark noises."
Kait: "They only paid him $45, not his customary $50, so he didn't bring his A-game."
Eventually, after the sharktopus has basically eaten half the vacationers in Mexico, GwenTosh, LL Cool J, and Young!Barrowman decide to fuck Old!Barrowman's plan and try to kill the sharktopus instead of merely capturing it. Old!Barrowman is not pleased to hear this news and yells at everyone, while also calling his security thugs in so they can stop Young!Barrowman from killing the sharktopus.
Becca: "Is he boning him?"
Kait: "Two Barrowmans boning each other? Wouldn't the world implode?"
Becca: "Barrowman's like, 'Why didn't I think of this sooner?' He clears the Torchwood Season 4 sets and all of the little dogs out of his basement and builds a cloning lab."
They drive around in their boat chasing the sharktopus more. Seriously, guys, most of this movie is an excuse for Young!Barrowman to flash his bare chest and girls to scream while running around in bikinis. In an attempt to say "Fuck y'all AND this popsicle stand!" to ReporterChick and Cameraman, Howard Dean is tragically eaten by the sharktopus. GwenTosh starts to warm up to Young!Barrowman. LL Cool J starts thinking about a threesome.
GwenTosh: "I've been horrible to you This entire time, and you don't deserve it."
Becca: "That's not true."
Kait: "The Barrowman always deserves it."
Becca: "ALWAYS."
They finally come up with an alternative plan that involves luring the sharktopus to them with lots of fish guts. Apparently this does not lure any other creatures, just the sharktopus. Young!Barrwoman lies in wait with a machine gun, which will totally, 100% kill the sharktopus, even though it's a million feet long, capable of eating an entire boat, even though it took half the movie for it to do so.
Kait: "This is the first time Sharktopus has eaten an entire ship. I like to think it's directly related to how much of an asshole that guy is."
Their genius plan backfires when LL Cool J is pulled into the water and the machine gun proves ineffective.
Kait: "NOOOOOOO! LL COOL J!"
Becca: "They're never gonna have that threesome now!"
Young!Barrowman is gutted by this loss.
Kait: "Oh, good. I'm glad he took of his shirt for this scene. His pectorals need to, you know, throb with emotion."
The movie IS STILL GOING ON.
Becca: "Oh my god, my soul hurts."
The sharktopus finds a seaside resort and takes to land. Ish. Young!Barrowman and GwenTosh race to the resort to try and stop it.
"Excuse me, everyone. There's a giant shark octopus hybrid headed this way, so please leave the Marina in a timely fashion." #actualfaxquote
At the resort, they run into Old!Barrowman and his goons, who are still set on taming the sharktopus, even as it devours tourists right in front of them. The sharktopus nearly kills Young!Barrowman, who is still ineffectively shooting at it with a machine gun, despite the fact that it hasn't even slowed the sucker down so far. Old!Barrowman orders his goons to stop Young!Barrowman. That is, until sharktopus gets its tentacles around Old!Barrowman. With his dying breath, he tells GwenTosh about a secret program hidden inside the sharktopus that she can activate to explode its brain. In order to do that, she needs to reestablish a network with it, which means hitting it with one of those darts from the beginning of the movie. AND THERE IS ONLY ONE DART LEFT.
Young!Barrowman and GwenTosh race to some further resort where the sharktopus has retreated to, stealing ReporterChick and Cameraman's minivan to do so. They follow the screams of terror until they find another resort where the sharktopus is being a menace.
Kait: "I still don't understand where the spikes come from. Or how he breathes above water."
Becca: "I'm glad you're still trying to find logic in this."
GwenTosh: "What are you going to do?"
Becca: "I'm going to fuck it to death."
GwenTosh quickly explains the dart plan to Young!Barrowman. While this is happening, both ReporterChick and Cameraman get killed. GwenTosh and Young!Barrowman manage to hit the sharktopus with the dart, however, GwenTosh figures out that the program is locked and she needs to break the password. She tries a lot of stupid things while Young!Barrowman engages in hand-to-hand combat with the sharktopus and magically manages to hold his own, even though it has like, a million tentacles that it could, theoretically, use to grab him and eat him. GwenTosh figures out the password just in the nick of time and blows sharktopus' brains to high heaven.
As GwenTosh catches her breath, Young!Barrowman appears, having miraculously survived the blast. Covered in blood, he holds her close as the movie fades to black.
Becca: "That was like, the worst movie ever. We need to watch 'Karla' again."
And I think that really says it all, folks. Tomorrow we'll continue with the reviews of Hatchet and MegaShark vs. Giant Octopus.