Spoiler Alert: Tim DeKay was Barrowman.
Yesterday was a bit of an odd duck. I woke up feeling the kind of silly, second-hand happiness that you feel when your friends tell you something really sweet and awesome just before bed. A few hours later, that was tempered by some incredibly devastating news from someone else. The entire time, I was hacking up a lung. The whole day was kind of surreal.
***
However, last night we bad bay movie night here at Cardigan Central, and it was good for clearing the air in my head a bit. First up was Frozen, that movie that we wrote the night before. Let me just say this: the version where GDL rides Tucker to our rescue is about 23094823094 times better than the version that actually exists.
So, I guess, to start with, we went in thinking this was going to be a completely different movie and THE MOVIE TRICKED US INTO BELIEVING THAT. We assumed there would be some kind of serial killer stalking them at the ski resort and the ominious close-up on a "missing" poster supported that thought. However, this is the plot of the movie:
These three douchebags (Barrowman, That Guy, and a girl who we agreed is too stupid to be me) go to a ski lodge, but instead of ponying up to buy tickets, they pay off the lift operator to let them up for free. At the end of the day, they want to go down the mountain one more time, but it's closed, so they beg the lift operator and he lets them go up again. Then he leaves to pee or something and tells his replacement to wait until the last three people come down before closing the lift. The replacement sees three people--NOT our douchebag protagonists, who are still on the lift--come down and then closes everything down. Leaving the three of them trapped on the lift. And the ski resort won't open again until next Friday.
Now, okay, I will buy that's a scary premise. I don't like heights. But... they weren't that high up. And they were all so stupid. And these wolves came out of no where.
Like, first the girl drops one of her mittens and spends the rest of the movie NOT putting her hand in her pocket to ward off frostbite. Then, after they realize no one is coming for them, Barrwoman decides to jump. But instead of tucking and rolling, he jumps feet first with his legs straight out and GUESS WHAT? He breaks both his legs. Then he gets eaten by convenient wolves.
That Guy finally decides to go hand-over-hand over the lift wire to climb down a pole to safety, only to immediately turn back for reasons that are never made clear. (We like to think that he saw some wolves in the lift chair behind them. You know, wearing skis and bibs and holding forks and knives and licking their chops.) The next morning he tries again and makes it down and then gets randomly eaten by wolves as well.
Eventually the girl falls when the lift chair falls and she manages to crawl down the mountain to safety. The wolves leave her alone because they're still feasting on That Guy's body.
I mean, the movie was good for a laugh, but the stupidity was OVERWHELMING. That Guy was supposedly pre-med SCRATCH THAT, we made that up. But still, they never so much as sit next to each other to conserve warmth. They're literally freezing to death and the girl is just waving her unmittened hand around. There were about six dozen methods of getting out of the chair and to safety that Becca and I saw, yet the best they could come up with was "jump without tucking and rolling and then be eaten by wolves."
Believe me, guys. The sequel where That Guy is a serial killer is going to be so much better. MY BAD. In the sequel, That Guy isn't the serial killer, the dude in the minivan who saves the girl is the serial killer. (Apparently minivans were a theme of last night.) I just got confused because Becca pointed at the screen and said, "IN THE SEQUEL, THAT GUY IS THE SERIAL KILLER!"
After that, while we waited for Monster Ark and Stonehenge Armageddon to dl, we watched Frequently Asked Questions About Time Travel which is legitimately good and entertaining. If you want to watch a fun movie that both embraces and pokes fun at scifi, while also delivering a somewhat tense plot, check out FAQs About Time Travel.
By the time we were done with that one, both movies had finished DLing, so we went with Monster Ark.
There are SciFi Original Movies that are laughably bad and then there are SciFi Original Movies that are so bad that you have no idea what's going on. This was the latter.
Okay, our first duty when watching this one was to find the Barrowman. It was easy in Frozen but a bit harder in this one because neither of us wanted to admit that Tim DeKay was probably the Barrowman. First we tried to make the scantily clad girl the Barrowman (she later became GwenTosh) and then Chubs (who was clearly the Ianto of this movie), but eventually we had to agree that Tim DeKay was probably the Barrowman.
I can't even explain the plot of this movie. DeKay is a famous archelologist and Chubs and GwenTosh are his grad students. They're at a dig where they find a lost Dead Sea Scroll and bring it back to Generic American University where DeKay's ex-wife, who divorced him before she thought he was unfaithful (ahaha, see what I did there, anyone else who watched this movie?), is apparently an expert in reading cuneiform. The scroll says something about there being a second one of Noah's arks, made for monsters, buried in Iraq, so DeKay, Frmr Mrs. DeKay, Chubs, and GwenTosh get in the minivan (?) and drive to Iraq (?).
"Pretty much Chubs with Glasses is the author self-insert in this flick."
"Then it makes a lot of sense, him being Ianto, given TW fandom."
"This totally is Torchwood. Torchwood in a minivan, going to Iraq."
They get to Iraq and Stereotypical Black US Army General (SBUSAG for short) yells at them a lot and tells them what they can and can't do. Can: Open up the ark, poke the creature in the face, and let a terrible evil loose in the desert. Can't: drive to safety?
Around this point, Suit!Barrowman and Jesus get introduced. You don't actually know who they are or what they're doing, but suddenly they have a subplot shrouded in mystery.
There are lots of scenes of the monster running through the desert and killing things, until DeKay and Frmr Mrs. DeKay realize that they need to dig up Noah's tomb in order to stop the monster. Noah's tomb, by the way, is just kind of chilling in the middle of the desert. Undisturbed. Unlooted. And mostly above ground. I guess the archeologists were just too busy with other things to bother excavating it.
While they're at Noah's tomb the following things happen:
1. Tim DeKay, who had previous not believed in God, is saved from death by God and totes believes again.
2. Jesus shows up with a bunch of black-ops type dudes.
3. Chubs refuses to desecrate Noah's tomb (you know, after he already unleashed a demon on the world, destroyed several archeological sites, and got a bunch of people killed. But pushing over a statue in Noah's tomb? THAT'S TAKING IT TOO FAR.) and then gets stabbed by the demon.
Jesus reveals that he's part of a secret order that's been created to protect the Monster Ark, an order that hasn't been mentioned or even hinted at until this moment. Also, we find out that Frmr Mrs. DeKay is also a part of that order, only she didn't know it because her parents died before they could tell her. However, she has a special necklace that, again, we haven't seen or even heard of until this moment. So she's totes legit. Or something.
Anyway, they come up with a really stupid plan to stab the demon with a giant gold q-tip that they graverob from Noah. DeKay will only go through with the plan if they air-lift Chubs to a hospital to deal with his stab wound. He sends GwenTosh with him, because she obvs has a magical healing vagina.
"I'm just imagining healing rainbows flying out of her vagina."
"I think I saw an anime like that once."
"I'm really concerned about Chubs."
"Well, they can't show him on screen with Tosh dry-humping his leg."
They save the world through the power of the magical gold q-tip, some C4, and God, who sends lightning down from Heaven to help DeKay. Then Jesus and Suit!Barrowman officially give DeKay a Secret Order of the Monster Ark necklace and, in one of many scenes stolen frame by frame from Indiana Jones, they put the Monster Ark in a crate and stick it in a secret warehouse filled with many other mysterious crates.
Guys, there are movies that are bad, and there are movies that are Monster Ark. Friends don't let friends see movies that are Monster Ark. Even if Tim DeKay is playing Barrowman playing Sam Neill in Jurassic Park in them.
For our later viewing pleasure, we have Stonehenge Apocalypse, in which Misha Collins is Barrowman ("Wait until you see this. Like, he might have taken this role because they only had $45 and Barrowman was holding out for $50.") and Spiral, from the same creative team that brought us Frozen. We will probably need more alcohol for this.
***
However, last night we bad bay movie night here at Cardigan Central, and it was good for clearing the air in my head a bit. First up was Frozen, that movie that we wrote the night before. Let me just say this: the version where GDL rides Tucker to our rescue is about 23094823094 times better than the version that actually exists.
So, I guess, to start with, we went in thinking this was going to be a completely different movie and THE MOVIE TRICKED US INTO BELIEVING THAT. We assumed there would be some kind of serial killer stalking them at the ski resort and the ominious close-up on a "missing" poster supported that thought. However, this is the plot of the movie:
These three douchebags (Barrowman, That Guy, and a girl who we agreed is too stupid to be me) go to a ski lodge, but instead of ponying up to buy tickets, they pay off the lift operator to let them up for free. At the end of the day, they want to go down the mountain one more time, but it's closed, so they beg the lift operator and he lets them go up again. Then he leaves to pee or something and tells his replacement to wait until the last three people come down before closing the lift. The replacement sees three people--NOT our douchebag protagonists, who are still on the lift--come down and then closes everything down. Leaving the three of them trapped on the lift. And the ski resort won't open again until next Friday.
Now, okay, I will buy that's a scary premise. I don't like heights. But... they weren't that high up. And they were all so stupid. And these wolves came out of no where.
Like, first the girl drops one of her mittens and spends the rest of the movie NOT putting her hand in her pocket to ward off frostbite. Then, after they realize no one is coming for them, Barrwoman decides to jump. But instead of tucking and rolling, he jumps feet first with his legs straight out and GUESS WHAT? He breaks both his legs. Then he gets eaten by convenient wolves.
That Guy finally decides to go hand-over-hand over the lift wire to climb down a pole to safety, only to immediately turn back for reasons that are never made clear. (We like to think that he saw some wolves in the lift chair behind them. You know, wearing skis and bibs and holding forks and knives and licking their chops.) The next morning he tries again and makes it down and then gets randomly eaten by wolves as well.
Eventually the girl falls when the lift chair falls and she manages to crawl down the mountain to safety. The wolves leave her alone because they're still feasting on That Guy's body.
I mean, the movie was good for a laugh, but the stupidity was OVERWHELMING. That Guy was supposedly pre-med SCRATCH THAT, we made that up. But still, they never so much as sit next to each other to conserve warmth. They're literally freezing to death and the girl is just waving her unmittened hand around. There were about six dozen methods of getting out of the chair and to safety that Becca and I saw, yet the best they could come up with was "jump without tucking and rolling and then be eaten by wolves."
Believe me, guys. The sequel where That Guy is a serial killer is going to be so much better. MY BAD. In the sequel, That Guy isn't the serial killer, the dude in the minivan who saves the girl is the serial killer. (Apparently minivans were a theme of last night.) I just got confused because Becca pointed at the screen and said, "IN THE SEQUEL, THAT GUY IS THE SERIAL KILLER!"
After that, while we waited for Monster Ark and Stonehenge Armageddon to dl, we watched Frequently Asked Questions About Time Travel which is legitimately good and entertaining. If you want to watch a fun movie that both embraces and pokes fun at scifi, while also delivering a somewhat tense plot, check out FAQs About Time Travel.
By the time we were done with that one, both movies had finished DLing, so we went with Monster Ark.
There are SciFi Original Movies that are laughably bad and then there are SciFi Original Movies that are so bad that you have no idea what's going on. This was the latter.
Okay, our first duty when watching this one was to find the Barrowman. It was easy in Frozen but a bit harder in this one because neither of us wanted to admit that Tim DeKay was probably the Barrowman. First we tried to make the scantily clad girl the Barrowman (she later became GwenTosh) and then Chubs (who was clearly the Ianto of this movie), but eventually we had to agree that Tim DeKay was probably the Barrowman.
I can't even explain the plot of this movie. DeKay is a famous archelologist and Chubs and GwenTosh are his grad students. They're at a dig where they find a lost Dead Sea Scroll and bring it back to Generic American University where DeKay's ex-wife, who divorced him before she thought he was unfaithful (ahaha, see what I did there, anyone else who watched this movie?), is apparently an expert in reading cuneiform. The scroll says something about there being a second one of Noah's arks, made for monsters, buried in Iraq, so DeKay, Frmr Mrs. DeKay, Chubs, and GwenTosh get in the minivan (?) and drive to Iraq (?).
"Pretty much Chubs with Glasses is the author self-insert in this flick."
"Then it makes a lot of sense, him being Ianto, given TW fandom."
"This totally is Torchwood. Torchwood in a minivan, going to Iraq."
They get to Iraq and Stereotypical Black US Army General (SBUSAG for short) yells at them a lot and tells them what they can and can't do. Can: Open up the ark, poke the creature in the face, and let a terrible evil loose in the desert. Can't: drive to safety?
Around this point, Suit!Barrowman and Jesus get introduced. You don't actually know who they are or what they're doing, but suddenly they have a subplot shrouded in mystery.
There are lots of scenes of the monster running through the desert and killing things, until DeKay and Frmr Mrs. DeKay realize that they need to dig up Noah's tomb in order to stop the monster. Noah's tomb, by the way, is just kind of chilling in the middle of the desert. Undisturbed. Unlooted. And mostly above ground. I guess the archeologists were just too busy with other things to bother excavating it.
While they're at Noah's tomb the following things happen:
1. Tim DeKay, who had previous not believed in God, is saved from death by God and totes believes again.
2. Jesus shows up with a bunch of black-ops type dudes.
3. Chubs refuses to desecrate Noah's tomb (you know, after he already unleashed a demon on the world, destroyed several archeological sites, and got a bunch of people killed. But pushing over a statue in Noah's tomb? THAT'S TAKING IT TOO FAR.) and then gets stabbed by the demon.
Jesus reveals that he's part of a secret order that's been created to protect the Monster Ark, an order that hasn't been mentioned or even hinted at until this moment. Also, we find out that Frmr Mrs. DeKay is also a part of that order, only she didn't know it because her parents died before they could tell her. However, she has a special necklace that, again, we haven't seen or even heard of until this moment. So she's totes legit. Or something.
Anyway, they come up with a really stupid plan to stab the demon with a giant gold q-tip that they graverob from Noah. DeKay will only go through with the plan if they air-lift Chubs to a hospital to deal with his stab wound. He sends GwenTosh with him, because she obvs has a magical healing vagina.
"I'm just imagining healing rainbows flying out of her vagina."
"I think I saw an anime like that once."
"I'm really concerned about Chubs."
"Well, they can't show him on screen with Tosh dry-humping his leg."
They save the world through the power of the magical gold q-tip, some C4, and God, who sends lightning down from Heaven to help DeKay. Then Jesus and Suit!Barrowman officially give DeKay a Secret Order of the Monster Ark necklace and, in one of many scenes stolen frame by frame from Indiana Jones, they put the Monster Ark in a crate and stick it in a secret warehouse filled with many other mysterious crates.
Guys, there are movies that are bad, and there are movies that are Monster Ark. Friends don't let friends see movies that are Monster Ark. Even if Tim DeKay is playing Barrowman playing Sam Neill in Jurassic Park in them.
For our later viewing pleasure, we have Stonehenge Apocalypse, in which Misha Collins is Barrowman ("Wait until you see this. Like, he might have taken this role because they only had $45 and Barrowman was holding out for $50.") and Spiral, from the same creative team that brought us Frozen. We will probably need more alcohol for this.