real life update (read: run screaming now)
GOD, OKAY, IT'S BEEN A WHILE.
I know. I know. Before we get into the ins and outs of my life, which I'm sure you all find riveting, here's the first round of "letters" from that ficlet meme:
Amy Pond to Rory Williams (letter)
Ianto Jones to Toshiko Sato (email)
Rory Williams to Rhys Williams (letter)
Gwen Cooper to Jack Harkness (text message)
More to come.
***
ANYWAY. About my life. Shit, man. I guess we need to go back to the beginning of the month.
Wedding: The first weekend in June, the weekend after my birthday, I flew out to New Mexico for my friends' wedding. Those of you who've been following my LJ for at least three years will probably remember the friends in question, Emily and Robert. We went to college together and all worked on the newspaper (aka the Indy) together. Living in an office that small three days a week for three years leaves you either with the desire to never see someone again or enough affection for them to fly out to New Mexico to see them get married.
I posted some pictures and the rest will go up on Facebook or something eventually. Most of them are of Gary, true fact, but there are a lot of the actual wedding, too, because it was gorgeous. I was only out in NM for about 36 hours, but it felt simultaneously longer and shorter. Seeing Emily and Robert again was great and I'm looking forward to going back at a time when I can actually visit and not steal a few minutes with them in between relatives. I spent most of the weekend with Rachel and Karl. I knew Karl vaguely from Purchase, but Rachel and I had never crossed paths before. She was very sweet and Karl is HYSTERICAL, but I felt bad because Rachel is one of those REALLY REALLY NICE people who don't always get sarcasm, which is what I am pretty sure runs through my veins instead of blood. Karl's, too.
In between the rehearsal dinner and the actual wedding, we managed to wander around Old Town (which is a thing in Albuquerque, I guess) and see the aquarium and botanical gardens. We also went to Walgreens. We had the worst GPS ever, a Hertz brand GPS that came with the rental car and Karl dubbed "Sucky McSuckerton." I yelled at it a lot. There's a reason I don't have a GPS in my car, guys. (Besides the fact that I think it's cheating.)
The actual wedding was adorable. It was incredibly hot--apparently about twenty degrees hotter than usual for that time of year. THANKS, WEATHER GODS. Between warding off the dehydration and battling the altitude sickness, I drank about eight metric tons of water. Especially because Team College (which consisted of the three of us, plus our Purchase friend Antonio and one of Emily's HS friends who was an honorary team member) felt badly that no one was sitting in the front row of the wedding seating because it was in direct sunlight, so we took it upon ourselves to fill the chairs. We all cried like babies (sunglasses came in handy for hiding the tears), but also laughed at things like the entire wedding party coming down the aisle to an instrumental arrangement of "Don't Stop Believin'."
It was a nice, low-key event. There was dancing and mingling and offering to help run food and champagne around so I could avoid making the huge social gaffes I kept imagining whenever I thought about talking to people I didn't know. I did dance for a bit. I wish I had gotten over my fear of bringing attention to myself in public to dance MORE, but I got half a dozen songs in, so I feel pretty good about that. Emily and Robert both looked great, as did Emily's sisters and Robert's brother and all the parents and other guests. The table centerpieces were flowers and wooden dinosaur skeletons. Karl and I had Gary sexually molest our T-Rex repeatedly. (I told you, Karl and I got on like a house on fire. I don't know why we weren't friends at Purchase. Oh, wait, yes I do. CRIPPLING SOCIAL PHOBIA.) The whole affair was very "Robert and Emily" and I don't know why I expected any less. When they read their vows, Robert read what amounted to a free-verse poem about soulmates and true love. Emily proclaimed that she would love Robert through an entire list of future personal expenses. I laughed and cried simultaneously.
After the reception, we returned to the "compound" the Stewart-Rogers family was renting and went in the pool and fooled around for a little while. Emily jumped into the pool in her wedding dress to much applause. And then we had to say our goodbyes. We returned to the hotel (after I promised to visit a million times) and I got up at god o'clock, feeling sick and miserable, to fly home.
Six Flags: We went to Six Flags for my birthday! "We" is me, Nicole (quatredeathlady), Christine, Chris (ruecian, Caitlin (saidlian_nataly), and Jen (harmonyangel). We had a great time. We picked a great day with little-to-no waiting for the big coasters. We saw the tiger show! I bought a magnet for no discernible reason! It doesn't even say Six Flags on it! Jen and I talked about hc_bingo and how we are really good at hurt but not so good at comfort. Caitlin got excited every time someone was wearing an Argentina football jersey. Chris gallantly sprinted back to the park after I left the car keys in our locker before lunch. We waited a ludicrously long time for french fries. Jen explained the concept of the fandom pool boy to me. And Nicole gave me the worst birthday card ever, because she is an asshole.
Tardis BigBang and Anxiety: So, after I got back, I had one week to finish the first draft of my tardis_bigbang. I am... not always good with deadlines. Because I am not always good at forcing myself to write when my brain doesn't want to. But this is a story I've been writing literally since two days after I finished "Club Wales," so I felt obligated. Plus, I had already written over 25,000 words, and I was so close. I spent about a week being sick, trying to write, panicking a lot, freaking out, and finally asking for a two day extension and finishing right at the end of it.
Of course, instead of feeling excited and jubilant, I spiraled downwards into a wave of depression and anxiety. I know, I know it's just fandom and I can't let myself get like this but... I'm crazy. I'm sorry. That's just how it is.
I have trouble being an adult because I have this incredible fear of failure and it is so easy to fail in the real world, so when I start failing at things like fandom, I take it hard. I spent a couple of weeks avoiding the internet and reading quietly in the dark. Social interaction was making it even worse, because then I have to be "on." I have to be the funny, accommodating, fun-to-be-with Kait that I really do want to be all the time, but sometimes it's hard to achieve. But yeah, even like, going to the bank illudes me, sometimes. I have a final health insurance claim I need to file to reclaim my $210, but even logging onto the website and doing THAT is beyond me, sometimes. (And by "sometimes" I mean "I still haven't done this.") And I feel like--this is crazy, but when I was writing Sam/Will in TWW fandom and the only people who read it were scrollgirl and inocciduous, that was okay. Because they were my friends and they already liked me and I didn't have to worry abotu disappointing them. But even since I finished this first (shitty) draft of Club Wales II, I have these bizarre pseudo-anxiety attacks where I'm like, "OH MY GOD, IT'S AWFUL AND PEOPLE ARE GOING TO THINK MY OTHER FICS ARE A FLUKE AND NO ONE WILL READ THIS AND IT'S HORRIBLE AND I AM CLEARLY KIDDING MYSELF WHEN I THINK ANYONE ACTUALLY LIKES ME."
This translates into IMing solsticezero and being like, "CAN YOU READ IT AGAIN? ARE YOU SURE IT'S NOT TERRIBLE?" and Solstice, bless her heart, very patiently tells me that she thinks it's good. And then I start to think, "Fuck, she's just saying that because she's my friend and she feels obligated! I can't even ask someone else to beta it because they will see how bad it is. WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?"
I'm telling you guys, living in my mind is terrible and wonderful in turns, but when it comes to shit like this, I'd run screaming if I could get away from my own brain.
Work Shit: Work has been getting progressively shittier.
Emily left, then Karen left, then Lauren left, then Walt left. I would say I'm next, but Meredith is leaving at the end of the month and a couple of other people have been rumbling about it, too. I mean, I hate to blame anyone, but... yeah, I'm kind of blaming the uncaring attitude of the new manager. I don't want to go into details in a public entry, but I've never felt more worthless at a job. And it's not really helping my morale for my last few weeks. Nor is the fact that they scheduled me for part of my vacation.
Now, if that had just happened to me I would assume it was a one time mistake, a crossed wire between the manager and the woman who writes my schedule. But it also happened to WorkBFF. And to Lauren, right before she left. And to at least one other person I know of. So, clearly, this is just another matter of someone SERIOUSLY NOT GIVING A SHIT ABOUT US.
It really just depresses me. Plus, summer reading has started. School just got out here, and the first two weeks after school lets out are HELL. Parents are confused and surprised because the end of school creeps up on them, and in their frantic efforts to find someone for their kids to do, they frequently end up at The Bookstore. We haven't had time to breathe these past two weeks because they haven't scheduled extra help anywhere in the store, even on the book floor. It's a mess.
I come home too exhausted to do much more than read my flist, read some fic, and IM mcwonthelottery. I haven't even been reading books. TOO TIRED. Christ. I can't wait to leave. Every day, I dream about giving notice. Going into work is physically painful and every second I'm there is torture. UGH. UGH UGH UGH. I can't wait to leave. CAN'T WAIT.
Family Stuff: Somewhere in between all of this, Brendan moved back home. It's been... odd. I can't really stand being around three different people all the time, especially three people who are always around trying to talk to me, especially when one of them enjoys mocking me at every turn (the other two temper it with other things, at least). Plus, he's a little out of sorts so his temper's not the best and I just... can't deal with that at times.
Moving Nicole: Last weekend, Chris and I helped Nicole and Christine move out of their apartment in Brooklyn and into a Condo further up state. (But not Upstate. There are differences, guys.) It was hot and sniffly (not only were Nicole's two cats, Bongo and Harvey, there, but they're also cat-sitting for a friend), but "many hands make light work," as they say, so with the help of Christine's parents and sister and Nicole's mom, we were packed and on the road to the condo by 12:30 (after starting around ten) and done unpacking the UHaul and our cars by 4-ish. We had snacks and Nicole and Chris and I assembled a bed and we ate pizza and watched Ghostbusters.
Ghostbusters is pretty much... like, seriously, I love it like candy, but have you ever thought about it? Someone (apparently Dan Aykroyd) came up with the idea of four guys who live in a converted fire house, drive a converted ambulence around New York City, and catch ghosts with nuclear reactor backpacks. Then a hundred story tall marshmallow attacks midtown Manhattan. I MEAN REALLY.
I tired to cast a Torchwood fusion on Twitter, but there was some general disagreement. My original thoughts were Venkman = Jack, Egon = Tosh, Ray = Gwen. Then I argued with myself over whether Ianto would be Janine because he's Torchwood admin or Dana because that would be fucking hot. Twitter seemed to be divided between thinking Gwen should be Winston, Ianto should be Winston, Gwen should be Dana, and Gwen should be Janine. CLEARLY THIS REQUIRES MORE THOUGHT.
Anyway.
Before watching Ghostbusters, ruecian and I had a really wonderful conversation about writing. I can't even describe it, really, but I do love talking about writing with Chris. Probably because I am just in awe of his writing frequently. I'm so flattered and shocked every time he tells me he thinks I'm a good writer. Also, it's just nice to talk about writing with people sometimes, people who are in the same place as me, creatively, and who get it. And talking to Chris is always a pleasure.
After the movie and pizza, I drove Chris back to Parsippany and put him on the bus to the city and went home to crash.
Jury Duty: Jury duty is over! There's one more wrap-up session next Thursday and we're all going out to lunch afterwards, but I can't believe four months went by so fast. Remember when I first realized my jury duty was four months long and freaked out? It took me about two weeks to fall in love with jury duty and I'm really sad to see it go :(
Moving to Boston: Still no job, though I got a couple of really complimentary rejections after my two phone interviews. Unfortunately, those are the only interviews I have to show for the dozens of resumes I've sent out. I'm trying to be calm about this, but you know me. Tomorrow Becca's looking at an apartment and I've got my fingers crossed pretty tightly. Please think happy thoughts for us? Also, happy job thoughts for me? If I knew one thing--where I was moving, when, or where I was working--I'd be okay. But not knowing anything is giving me ridic anxiety dreams.
***
Jesus, that was long. I've been working on this for hours, now. Next week is my "vacation" (I'm visiting Becca for the 4th and the long weekend and going to Hurricane Harbor with Jen and... sitting around a lot?) and later this week I'll be hanging with solsticezero. I plan to send out more resumes tomorrow and finish the second round of edits on my tardis_bigbang and maybe finish one of the three in-progress fics on my harddrive.
I hope all you guys have been good! I still read my flist every day, even if I am shit at commenting. I am excited about upcoming things, like Dragon*Con and the White Collar and Psych premieres and moving in with mcwonthelottery and other stuff. And... yes. Anyway. Have a good night, internet!
I know. I know. Before we get into the ins and outs of my life, which I'm sure you all find riveting, here's the first round of "letters" from that ficlet meme:
Amy Pond to Rory Williams (letter)
Ianto Jones to Toshiko Sato (email)
Rory Williams to Rhys Williams (letter)
Gwen Cooper to Jack Harkness (text message)
More to come.
***
ANYWAY. About my life. Shit, man. I guess we need to go back to the beginning of the month.
Wedding: The first weekend in June, the weekend after my birthday, I flew out to New Mexico for my friends' wedding. Those of you who've been following my LJ for at least three years will probably remember the friends in question, Emily and Robert. We went to college together and all worked on the newspaper (aka the Indy) together. Living in an office that small three days a week for three years leaves you either with the desire to never see someone again or enough affection for them to fly out to New Mexico to see them get married.
I posted some pictures and the rest will go up on Facebook or something eventually. Most of them are of Gary, true fact, but there are a lot of the actual wedding, too, because it was gorgeous. I was only out in NM for about 36 hours, but it felt simultaneously longer and shorter. Seeing Emily and Robert again was great and I'm looking forward to going back at a time when I can actually visit and not steal a few minutes with them in between relatives. I spent most of the weekend with Rachel and Karl. I knew Karl vaguely from Purchase, but Rachel and I had never crossed paths before. She was very sweet and Karl is HYSTERICAL, but I felt bad because Rachel is one of those REALLY REALLY NICE people who don't always get sarcasm, which is what I am pretty sure runs through my veins instead of blood. Karl's, too.
In between the rehearsal dinner and the actual wedding, we managed to wander around Old Town (which is a thing in Albuquerque, I guess) and see the aquarium and botanical gardens. We also went to Walgreens. We had the worst GPS ever, a Hertz brand GPS that came with the rental car and Karl dubbed "Sucky McSuckerton." I yelled at it a lot. There's a reason I don't have a GPS in my car, guys. (Besides the fact that I think it's cheating.)
The actual wedding was adorable. It was incredibly hot--apparently about twenty degrees hotter than usual for that time of year. THANKS, WEATHER GODS. Between warding off the dehydration and battling the altitude sickness, I drank about eight metric tons of water. Especially because Team College (which consisted of the three of us, plus our Purchase friend Antonio and one of Emily's HS friends who was an honorary team member) felt badly that no one was sitting in the front row of the wedding seating because it was in direct sunlight, so we took it upon ourselves to fill the chairs. We all cried like babies (sunglasses came in handy for hiding the tears), but also laughed at things like the entire wedding party coming down the aisle to an instrumental arrangement of "Don't Stop Believin'."
It was a nice, low-key event. There was dancing and mingling and offering to help run food and champagne around so I could avoid making the huge social gaffes I kept imagining whenever I thought about talking to people I didn't know. I did dance for a bit. I wish I had gotten over my fear of bringing attention to myself in public to dance MORE, but I got half a dozen songs in, so I feel pretty good about that. Emily and Robert both looked great, as did Emily's sisters and Robert's brother and all the parents and other guests. The table centerpieces were flowers and wooden dinosaur skeletons. Karl and I had Gary sexually molest our T-Rex repeatedly. (I told you, Karl and I got on like a house on fire. I don't know why we weren't friends at Purchase. Oh, wait, yes I do. CRIPPLING SOCIAL PHOBIA.) The whole affair was very "Robert and Emily" and I don't know why I expected any less. When they read their vows, Robert read what amounted to a free-verse poem about soulmates and true love. Emily proclaimed that she would love Robert through an entire list of future personal expenses. I laughed and cried simultaneously.
After the reception, we returned to the "compound" the Stewart-Rogers family was renting and went in the pool and fooled around for a little while. Emily jumped into the pool in her wedding dress to much applause. And then we had to say our goodbyes. We returned to the hotel (after I promised to visit a million times) and I got up at god o'clock, feeling sick and miserable, to fly home.
Six Flags: We went to Six Flags for my birthday! "We" is me, Nicole (quatredeathlady), Christine, Chris (ruecian, Caitlin (saidlian_nataly), and Jen (harmonyangel). We had a great time. We picked a great day with little-to-no waiting for the big coasters. We saw the tiger show! I bought a magnet for no discernible reason! It doesn't even say Six Flags on it! Jen and I talked about hc_bingo and how we are really good at hurt but not so good at comfort. Caitlin got excited every time someone was wearing an Argentina football jersey. Chris gallantly sprinted back to the park after I left the car keys in our locker before lunch. We waited a ludicrously long time for french fries. Jen explained the concept of the fandom pool boy to me. And Nicole gave me the worst birthday card ever, because she is an asshole.
Tardis BigBang and Anxiety: So, after I got back, I had one week to finish the first draft of my tardis_bigbang. I am... not always good with deadlines. Because I am not always good at forcing myself to write when my brain doesn't want to. But this is a story I've been writing literally since two days after I finished "Club Wales," so I felt obligated. Plus, I had already written over 25,000 words, and I was so close. I spent about a week being sick, trying to write, panicking a lot, freaking out, and finally asking for a two day extension and finishing right at the end of it.
Of course, instead of feeling excited and jubilant, I spiraled downwards into a wave of depression and anxiety. I know, I know it's just fandom and I can't let myself get like this but... I'm crazy. I'm sorry. That's just how it is.
I have trouble being an adult because I have this incredible fear of failure and it is so easy to fail in the real world, so when I start failing at things like fandom, I take it hard. I spent a couple of weeks avoiding the internet and reading quietly in the dark. Social interaction was making it even worse, because then I have to be "on." I have to be the funny, accommodating, fun-to-be-with Kait that I really do want to be all the time, but sometimes it's hard to achieve. But yeah, even like, going to the bank illudes me, sometimes. I have a final health insurance claim I need to file to reclaim my $210, but even logging onto the website and doing THAT is beyond me, sometimes. (And by "sometimes" I mean "I still haven't done this.") And I feel like--this is crazy, but when I was writing Sam/Will in TWW fandom and the only people who read it were scrollgirl and inocciduous, that was okay. Because they were my friends and they already liked me and I didn't have to worry abotu disappointing them. But even since I finished this first (shitty) draft of Club Wales II, I have these bizarre pseudo-anxiety attacks where I'm like, "OH MY GOD, IT'S AWFUL AND PEOPLE ARE GOING TO THINK MY OTHER FICS ARE A FLUKE AND NO ONE WILL READ THIS AND IT'S HORRIBLE AND I AM CLEARLY KIDDING MYSELF WHEN I THINK ANYONE ACTUALLY LIKES ME."
This translates into IMing solsticezero and being like, "CAN YOU READ IT AGAIN? ARE YOU SURE IT'S NOT TERRIBLE?" and Solstice, bless her heart, very patiently tells me that she thinks it's good. And then I start to think, "Fuck, she's just saying that because she's my friend and she feels obligated! I can't even ask someone else to beta it because they will see how bad it is. WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?"
I'm telling you guys, living in my mind is terrible and wonderful in turns, but when it comes to shit like this, I'd run screaming if I could get away from my own brain.
Work Shit: Work has been getting progressively shittier.
Emily left, then Karen left, then Lauren left, then Walt left. I would say I'm next, but Meredith is leaving at the end of the month and a couple of other people have been rumbling about it, too. I mean, I hate to blame anyone, but... yeah, I'm kind of blaming the uncaring attitude of the new manager. I don't want to go into details in a public entry, but I've never felt more worthless at a job. And it's not really helping my morale for my last few weeks. Nor is the fact that they scheduled me for part of my vacation.
Now, if that had just happened to me I would assume it was a one time mistake, a crossed wire between the manager and the woman who writes my schedule. But it also happened to WorkBFF. And to Lauren, right before she left. And to at least one other person I know of. So, clearly, this is just another matter of someone SERIOUSLY NOT GIVING A SHIT ABOUT US.
It really just depresses me. Plus, summer reading has started. School just got out here, and the first two weeks after school lets out are HELL. Parents are confused and surprised because the end of school creeps up on them, and in their frantic efforts to find someone for their kids to do, they frequently end up at The Bookstore. We haven't had time to breathe these past two weeks because they haven't scheduled extra help anywhere in the store, even on the book floor. It's a mess.
I come home too exhausted to do much more than read my flist, read some fic, and IM mcwonthelottery. I haven't even been reading books. TOO TIRED. Christ. I can't wait to leave. Every day, I dream about giving notice. Going into work is physically painful and every second I'm there is torture. UGH. UGH UGH UGH. I can't wait to leave. CAN'T WAIT.
Family Stuff: Somewhere in between all of this, Brendan moved back home. It's been... odd. I can't really stand being around three different people all the time, especially three people who are always around trying to talk to me, especially when one of them enjoys mocking me at every turn (the other two temper it with other things, at least). Plus, he's a little out of sorts so his temper's not the best and I just... can't deal with that at times.
Moving Nicole: Last weekend, Chris and I helped Nicole and Christine move out of their apartment in Brooklyn and into a Condo further up state. (But not Upstate. There are differences, guys.) It was hot and sniffly (not only were Nicole's two cats, Bongo and Harvey, there, but they're also cat-sitting for a friend), but "many hands make light work," as they say, so with the help of Christine's parents and sister and Nicole's mom, we were packed and on the road to the condo by 12:30 (after starting around ten) and done unpacking the UHaul and our cars by 4-ish. We had snacks and Nicole and Chris and I assembled a bed and we ate pizza and watched Ghostbusters.
Ghostbusters is pretty much... like, seriously, I love it like candy, but have you ever thought about it? Someone (apparently Dan Aykroyd) came up with the idea of four guys who live in a converted fire house, drive a converted ambulence around New York City, and catch ghosts with nuclear reactor backpacks. Then a hundred story tall marshmallow attacks midtown Manhattan. I MEAN REALLY.
I tired to cast a Torchwood fusion on Twitter, but there was some general disagreement. My original thoughts were Venkman = Jack, Egon = Tosh, Ray = Gwen. Then I argued with myself over whether Ianto would be Janine because he's Torchwood admin or Dana because that would be fucking hot. Twitter seemed to be divided between thinking Gwen should be Winston, Ianto should be Winston, Gwen should be Dana, and Gwen should be Janine. CLEARLY THIS REQUIRES MORE THOUGHT.
Anyway.
Before watching Ghostbusters, ruecian and I had a really wonderful conversation about writing. I can't even describe it, really, but I do love talking about writing with Chris. Probably because I am just in awe of his writing frequently. I'm so flattered and shocked every time he tells me he thinks I'm a good writer. Also, it's just nice to talk about writing with people sometimes, people who are in the same place as me, creatively, and who get it. And talking to Chris is always a pleasure.
After the movie and pizza, I drove Chris back to Parsippany and put him on the bus to the city and went home to crash.
Jury Duty: Jury duty is over! There's one more wrap-up session next Thursday and we're all going out to lunch afterwards, but I can't believe four months went by so fast. Remember when I first realized my jury duty was four months long and freaked out? It took me about two weeks to fall in love with jury duty and I'm really sad to see it go :(
Moving to Boston: Still no job, though I got a couple of really complimentary rejections after my two phone interviews. Unfortunately, those are the only interviews I have to show for the dozens of resumes I've sent out. I'm trying to be calm about this, but you know me. Tomorrow Becca's looking at an apartment and I've got my fingers crossed pretty tightly. Please think happy thoughts for us? Also, happy job thoughts for me? If I knew one thing--where I was moving, when, or where I was working--I'd be okay. But not knowing anything is giving me ridic anxiety dreams.
***
Jesus, that was long. I've been working on this for hours, now. Next week is my "vacation" (I'm visiting Becca for the 4th and the long weekend and going to Hurricane Harbor with Jen and... sitting around a lot?) and later this week I'll be hanging with solsticezero. I plan to send out more resumes tomorrow and finish the second round of edits on my tardis_bigbang and maybe finish one of the three in-progress fics on my harddrive.
I hope all you guys have been good! I still read my flist every day, even if I am shit at commenting. I am excited about upcoming things, like Dragon*Con and the White Collar and Psych premieres and moving in with mcwonthelottery and other stuff. And... yes. Anyway. Have a good night, internet!