Break-up Aftermath
It's now been 2 days since Ruth broke up with me and I feel like garbage - used and tossed away. I suppose I'll get over this sooner or later and someday I might even look back and see how it was all necessary but right now I'm just sad.
A lot of things on my mind. One of them being what kind of relationship I still have with her. I told her I still want to be friends but I'm not actually sure if I do. There's always the possibility that I'll try to get back together with her if we stay friends and she doesn't want that. And the more I come into contact with her, the more frustrating it is for me because it's a reminder of how terrible it feels to be dumped. But then I don't want to completely forget about her. We shared a lot of great times that I'm probably never going to forget no matter how hard I try and the experience wasn't all together bad, the end was just somewhat abrupt and unexpected.
I also think about whether or not it was avoidable. If I hadn't been so openly depressed that day, would she still have dumped me? This is a useless idea to reflect on but it's something I've gotten used to doing with all of my life choices. I think about how much longer this relationship could have potentially gone on for.
I think about how she feels about all this. Regardless of how much she hurt me, I can't shake the concern I still have for her. I wonder if she's doing ok but her latest livejournal entry was made a few hours after the break-up and she was pretty excited about her birthday party. She seems so heartless...
Finally I think about the relationship in its entirety, but mostly about everything that didn't seem right. When she broke up with me she told me that she couldn't provide the emotional support that I needed but that probably wasn't the only problem. At least I hope that wasn't the only problem. I had my own share of things to deal with.
- Distance. This was probably a mutual problem.
- Fidelity. That whole incident with her ex-boyfriend coming onto her and her not doing anything about it. Everything was wrong with that. She messaged me on MSN a few hours before she left for a 2 week long trip to tell me about it. There's a certain etiquette to these types of matters. Specifically, you're supposed to talk about anything big in person. There's probably a hierarchy where phones are better than instant messaging and instant messaging is better than e-mail etc. but the best way to do those kinds of talks are in person. Also, you should give the other person time to think about what you've said. 3 hours is fairly short. She couldn't promise me that she would tell him to back off next time and... Just everything was wrong about that.
- Compassion. She told me that she wasn't used to cheering people up and I'm pretty sad most of the time so that was something I needed from her. However, I thought I could just deal with it and rely on my friends for support but it's very uncomfortable to not get any consoling comments from your girlfriend when you're sad.
- Space. When we went to do things together, she didn't want me to hang around her. Since we saw each other infrequently, I would have assumed that she'd want to spend as much time with me as possible but at dances, she wanted to play security and at cons, she wanted to walk by herself. This made me feel anxious all the time while she was around because she was there but... Not there for me.
Despite all this, I wanted to be with her and a part of me still does. I'm sad without her but at least I was sad and happy with her. I can't explain it very well. My best guess is that I like being used but more specifically, having a purpose and having someone to care about. When we were first getting to know each other, she told me about how bad her life was. Wrist operations, parent divorces, constant moving, several failed relationships, etc. All I wanted to do was to hold her and try to keep her happy and safe from then on.
So now I don't know where to go, what to do, or who to turn to. All my friends are giving me different pieces of advice.
Go drinking! Don't go drinking! Keep your mind occupied with other things! Stay friends and keep chatting with her! etc.
I also can't help but wonder that if she offered me a second chance, would I take it?
More:
I'm reading random online articles about break-ups. Surviving them, how to do it nicely, if you've gotten over them (quiz), etc. Top 10 facts about break-ups is making me feel better. Something that's sort of bothering me is that I'm not crying or getting angry. I'm feeling mostly neutral to low level sadness, like being empty. It's weird. Maybe I still haven't grasped that it's over.
Even more:
Talking with her has made me realize how little she thinks of this. Apparently she's not even remotely sad and it's the last thing on her mind most of the time. Meanwhile I'm on the other end of the spectrum. I don't know what to make of this. Can't stop thinking about it.
And even more:
I'm totally over her now. 4 days. I think that's a really fast recovery.
A lot of things on my mind. One of them being what kind of relationship I still have with her. I told her I still want to be friends but I'm not actually sure if I do. There's always the possibility that I'll try to get back together with her if we stay friends and she doesn't want that. And the more I come into contact with her, the more frustrating it is for me because it's a reminder of how terrible it feels to be dumped. But then I don't want to completely forget about her. We shared a lot of great times that I'm probably never going to forget no matter how hard I try and the experience wasn't all together bad, the end was just somewhat abrupt and unexpected.
I also think about whether or not it was avoidable. If I hadn't been so openly depressed that day, would she still have dumped me? This is a useless idea to reflect on but it's something I've gotten used to doing with all of my life choices. I think about how much longer this relationship could have potentially gone on for.
I think about how she feels about all this. Regardless of how much she hurt me, I can't shake the concern I still have for her. I wonder if she's doing ok but her latest livejournal entry was made a few hours after the break-up and she was pretty excited about her birthday party. She seems so heartless...
Finally I think about the relationship in its entirety, but mostly about everything that didn't seem right. When she broke up with me she told me that she couldn't provide the emotional support that I needed but that probably wasn't the only problem. At least I hope that wasn't the only problem. I had my own share of things to deal with.
- Distance. This was probably a mutual problem.
- Fidelity. That whole incident with her ex-boyfriend coming onto her and her not doing anything about it. Everything was wrong with that. She messaged me on MSN a few hours before she left for a 2 week long trip to tell me about it. There's a certain etiquette to these types of matters. Specifically, you're supposed to talk about anything big in person. There's probably a hierarchy where phones are better than instant messaging and instant messaging is better than e-mail etc. but the best way to do those kinds of talks are in person. Also, you should give the other person time to think about what you've said. 3 hours is fairly short. She couldn't promise me that she would tell him to back off next time and... Just everything was wrong about that.
- Compassion. She told me that she wasn't used to cheering people up and I'm pretty sad most of the time so that was something I needed from her. However, I thought I could just deal with it and rely on my friends for support but it's very uncomfortable to not get any consoling comments from your girlfriend when you're sad.
- Space. When we went to do things together, she didn't want me to hang around her. Since we saw each other infrequently, I would have assumed that she'd want to spend as much time with me as possible but at dances, she wanted to play security and at cons, she wanted to walk by herself. This made me feel anxious all the time while she was around because she was there but... Not there for me.
Despite all this, I wanted to be with her and a part of me still does. I'm sad without her but at least I was sad and happy with her. I can't explain it very well. My best guess is that I like being used but more specifically, having a purpose and having someone to care about. When we were first getting to know each other, she told me about how bad her life was. Wrist operations, parent divorces, constant moving, several failed relationships, etc. All I wanted to do was to hold her and try to keep her happy and safe from then on.
So now I don't know where to go, what to do, or who to turn to. All my friends are giving me different pieces of advice.
Go drinking! Don't go drinking! Keep your mind occupied with other things! Stay friends and keep chatting with her! etc.
I also can't help but wonder that if she offered me a second chance, would I take it?
More:
I'm reading random online articles about break-ups. Surviving them, how to do it nicely, if you've gotten over them (quiz), etc. Top 10 facts about break-ups is making me feel better. Something that's sort of bothering me is that I'm not crying or getting angry. I'm feeling mostly neutral to low level sadness, like being empty. It's weird. Maybe I still haven't grasped that it's over.
Even more:
Talking with her has made me realize how little she thinks of this. Apparently she's not even remotely sad and it's the last thing on her mind most of the time. Meanwhile I'm on the other end of the spectrum. I don't know what to make of this. Can't stop thinking about it.
And even more:
I'm totally over her now. 4 days. I think that's a really fast recovery.