Crystal
Yesterday was the 7 year anniversary of the death of a friend of mine from high school. Every year I go to the Hollywood Forever cemetery where her ashes are. Yesterday was the first time I went by myself.
Crystal wasn't one of my close friends. I wanted to be, and I'm sure if she'd lived we could have been. She was close to my brother, and close to my good friend Ish. She and I hung out only a couple of times, but they were memorable.
We met in Orchestra. I remember on the day of our orchestra final my teacher put on a movie and I sat in the back with Crystal and my ex. They both were high and lecturing me on not doing drugs. The irony was overwhelming, but the moment was fun.
I remember a time in middle school when the Orchestra and Band took a weekend long trip to San Diego for a competition. The night we got there all the students got to hang around in an outdoor mall. This one girl in particular was seriously annoying me and my friend Jeannette; she was preaching to us about Christian Camp and how Hot Topic was the devil. Ish and Crystal overheard and they began mocking this chick by yelling out in the middle of the mall "Praise the LORD! Hot Topic is a sin, forgive me LORD!" and so on.
Crystal committed suicide by overdose in 2005. I don't remember how I found out. My brother and I went to the hospital the night before she died. She had slipped into a coma. I was too scared to go in to see her alone, so my brother and I went into her to room together. I stared at her, looking for some sign of her recovery, of consciousness. We said our goodbyes, expecting to see her again the next day.
On August 12, my friends and I were at my house talking about Crystal when we got the call that she had passed. We didn't know how to react at first. It felt more like we had just heard some random irrelevant fact. The news didn't have an impact. It wasn't until a few hours later that it dawned on us. We'd never see her again, we'd never talk to her again, she'd never lecture me on drugs or save me from obnoxious tweens again. It hit my friend Louie first. He started to cry in my arms while Ish sat by my keyboard and played the song For Martha by the Smashing Pumpkins. As I remember everyone else cried silently for hours that night. I still don't listen to that song.
It was an open casket funeral. Roxy held me hand on the way up to see Crystal, because I couldn't move without help. She looked so bloated, and they had put make up on her. It didn't look like her. She wouldn't have worn make up, that much I know. Seeing her that way reminded me of my grandfather's funeral, he died when I was three. All I remember from his funeral was that my cousin picked me up and told me to kiss him good bye. I kissed his forehead and wondered why he looked so bloated.
It wasn't until they played the photo montage of her that I started to cry. Particularly when they showed this picture of her and Ish:
Going to visit her alone yesterday gave me the chance to really explore the emotions I felt when she was alive and after she died. When I would go with Roxy or Ish, we spent the time remember her together. That was still good, but I wouldn't let myself feel the way I felt when it happened. I would bring up the memories not the emotions. Yesterday I let myself cry. She was the first death to really have an impact on me. I miss her.