i am super disappointed in myself
for not being as ahead as i was the first week of school. but after next week i should be caught up. then the weekend after that i am going home to see my grandparents so once again i'll be behind. the fuck. this upsets me.
also upsets me that im not going to type tomorrow bc i am too tired to do the homework.
and im also upset that i still have not done comm immaging homework.
and im also super super upset that i really cannot quit smoking. like....this is crazy. i should be able to quit.
ugh....
and the lights outside my window always make me feel....well ok. thhey make me feel different things on different days. different moods.
today it's a nice calm. like i really think that if certain ones wouldn't turn on at night, i'd notice. i stare at them so much.
is that wierd?
i think my aloe plant is starting to die. my mom's gonna hate me for this but it looks like she's getting another plant of mine to bring back to life.
my venus fly trap is a year old now and doing fabulousl under my dad's hunting skills and care.
my cactus is pretty much the same as it was.
on a good note, im not really lonely. like...the whole thing made me realize that i would rather be single than settle (is the spelling on that right? it looks funny). then again i dont think i can have an actual relationship anymore.
the few of my friends that are in long term or serious relationships....when they say things like "when we get married" or "we'll be together forever" and all that romantic stuff every girl loves to say...i dont understand it. maybe i havn't been in love in a couple years. but...when u say "i love you" to so many partners...how can u justify it to the person you're saying it to right now? how can u say "now i really mean it". i've forgotten what it feels like to look at another person and want to be with them forever. i've forgotten what it's like to look at another person and adore them. i've forgotten what it feels like to recieve those emotions and actually want them, be grateful for them.
god...i am such a boy.
also upsets me that im not going to type tomorrow bc i am too tired to do the homework.
and im also upset that i still have not done comm immaging homework.
and im also super super upset that i really cannot quit smoking. like....this is crazy. i should be able to quit.
ugh....
and the lights outside my window always make me feel....well ok. thhey make me feel different things on different days. different moods.
today it's a nice calm. like i really think that if certain ones wouldn't turn on at night, i'd notice. i stare at them so much.
is that wierd?
i think my aloe plant is starting to die. my mom's gonna hate me for this but it looks like she's getting another plant of mine to bring back to life.
my venus fly trap is a year old now and doing fabulousl under my dad's hunting skills and care.
my cactus is pretty much the same as it was.
on a good note, im not really lonely. like...the whole thing made me realize that i would rather be single than settle (is the spelling on that right? it looks funny). then again i dont think i can have an actual relationship anymore.
the few of my friends that are in long term or serious relationships....when they say things like "when we get married" or "we'll be together forever" and all that romantic stuff every girl loves to say...i dont understand it. maybe i havn't been in love in a couple years. but...when u say "i love you" to so many partners...how can u justify it to the person you're saying it to right now? how can u say "now i really mean it". i've forgotten what it feels like to look at another person and want to be with them forever. i've forgotten what it's like to look at another person and adore them. i've forgotten what it feels like to recieve those emotions and actually want them, be grateful for them.
god...i am such a boy.