"you got it bad when your out with someone and your thinking about somebody else"
my jessica love is here finally. one day earlier than predicted. i feel so conflicted about her being here. on one side i'm ecstatic and so happy to be able to be with the friends i've been with since i was six years old but the other half of me is fighting to repress all these memories of the last time she was here. i keep thinking that i won't be able to have that back which makes this visit fall short. i know i shouldn't compare especially because i have more than what most people have. i have these amazing friends and a history with them that no amount of time could change ... and when i say that outloud how can any girl, no matter the emotional connection or physical attachments made, could compare? maybe i'm just stuck thinking about the what if's and that's why i am constantly stuck in this moment where i'm neither happy nor sad.
i know i need to move on. my heart i know has moved on but my mind just won't when my head hits my pillow every night i dream. it's taken me so long to admit this... i'm honestly embarassed of it. what does it take to just not care anymore? to be able to hear a name in conversation and not feel anything? everyone seems to have moved on from the hardest moments of their life and i'm here reliving it every other day. i keep asking myself what will it take; why do i care; i never have an answer and i'm so ashamed to even ask because they will look at me like this lost puppy who just can't take a hint.
this isn't a blame thing. or even a pity me party. this is just me. my thoughts. my heart. my dreams. my questions. i'm wishing for the wrong things, i'm writing about the wrong girl, i'm living for the wrong reasons. i'm eighteen (almost) i need to breathe and remember i'm still just a kid with kid feelings. life is only a matter of time and these faces will fade in and out. there will be other faces and more broken hearts ... my life hasn't even begun. i haven't begun living yet. when i'm forty and dumped at the altar only then will i begin to seriously consider a partial labotomy.