ramblings...
so i have finally finished my two month notice at work. and i feel free....
free to finally have time to sit and think about everything that has happened in this past year, from Aug 05 to now.
i never thought i would be one to have depression.
i never thought i would be one to have to take medication for "feeling sad."
i never thought i would be one to have 3 jobs within one year.
i never thought i would have lived in dallas.
i never thought i would be living in atlanta.
i never thought i would work at the shepherd center.
i never thought that i would get over this mental rut.
i never thought that something like the hurricane would have ever happened.
but here i am.
i still don't think it's all hit me. i still don't think that i realize everything that has happened.
i never thought that this hurricane would have had this big of an impact on me.
this has been by far, the most memorable year of my life, and not in a good way... i guess i can really count my blessings, though -- now, a year after this all has happened.
1. my family (pov, myself, and pele) are safe.
2. we both are fortunate to have good jobs.
3. we have good friends.
4. we have good families.
even though my friends, family, and even my own husband can never understand what i went through, how i am feeling, i am blessed.
am i ready to move on now? am i ready to say goodbye? i still don't know. the memories of my wonderful co-workers and old home are fading, and that makes me sad. i don't know if i'm still in denial that what was will never be again. i think somewhere in the back of my mind, there is still a part of me that is waiting to go back to new orleans and resume our old life.
but i have a good life here in atlanta, now. i have good friends, made new friends, we've bought a house, job market is good here... yet i still feel like i'm not giving it a whole-hearted chance.
the past year is a blur. from the whole evacuation, to moving and living in dallas where i was miserable, to moving and living in atlanta where there is hope -- but where i finally admitted to myself that i had issues and needed help.
it's fascinating in a way... how they say that depression is due to a chemical imbalance in the brain. i kept kicking myself, telling myself "you're a freaking therapist! you deal with this all the time with other people! get over it!!" but in the end, i'm not invincible. i'm a regular person who went through something horrific and never properly dealt with it. and so now it's kicking me in the ass.
at first i thought, "what if this anti-depressant is a placebo?" then i unintentionally missed taking my meds for 2 days, and i fell back into the bottomless pit. i felt angry, and sad, and hateful, withdrawn, anti-social... and depressed... again. and it took me a day or two after i get back on my meds to realize that it's true. and that i'm not cured. not mormal yet. that i need this medication. and that depression is ugly.
i don't know how long i will be this way. i do know that it feels good to be close to normal. to be able to laugh and smile without having to force or fake it. to feel like i am getting my identity back.
i've met some great people here in atlanta. i'm excited that i'm starting a new life. i think there is a lot of opportunity for pov and me here.
free to finally have time to sit and think about everything that has happened in this past year, from Aug 05 to now.
i never thought i would be one to have depression.
i never thought i would be one to have to take medication for "feeling sad."
i never thought i would be one to have 3 jobs within one year.
i never thought i would have lived in dallas.
i never thought i would be living in atlanta.
i never thought i would work at the shepherd center.
i never thought that i would get over this mental rut.
i never thought that something like the hurricane would have ever happened.
but here i am.
i still don't think it's all hit me. i still don't think that i realize everything that has happened.
i never thought that this hurricane would have had this big of an impact on me.
this has been by far, the most memorable year of my life, and not in a good way... i guess i can really count my blessings, though -- now, a year after this all has happened.
1. my family (pov, myself, and pele) are safe.
2. we both are fortunate to have good jobs.
3. we have good friends.
4. we have good families.
even though my friends, family, and even my own husband can never understand what i went through, how i am feeling, i am blessed.
am i ready to move on now? am i ready to say goodbye? i still don't know. the memories of my wonderful co-workers and old home are fading, and that makes me sad. i don't know if i'm still in denial that what was will never be again. i think somewhere in the back of my mind, there is still a part of me that is waiting to go back to new orleans and resume our old life.
but i have a good life here in atlanta, now. i have good friends, made new friends, we've bought a house, job market is good here... yet i still feel like i'm not giving it a whole-hearted chance.
the past year is a blur. from the whole evacuation, to moving and living in dallas where i was miserable, to moving and living in atlanta where there is hope -- but where i finally admitted to myself that i had issues and needed help.
it's fascinating in a way... how they say that depression is due to a chemical imbalance in the brain. i kept kicking myself, telling myself "you're a freaking therapist! you deal with this all the time with other people! get over it!!" but in the end, i'm not invincible. i'm a regular person who went through something horrific and never properly dealt with it. and so now it's kicking me in the ass.
at first i thought, "what if this anti-depressant is a placebo?" then i unintentionally missed taking my meds for 2 days, and i fell back into the bottomless pit. i felt angry, and sad, and hateful, withdrawn, anti-social... and depressed... again. and it took me a day or two after i get back on my meds to realize that it's true. and that i'm not cured. not mormal yet. that i need this medication. and that depression is ugly.
i don't know how long i will be this way. i do know that it feels good to be close to normal. to be able to laugh and smile without having to force or fake it. to feel like i am getting my identity back.
i've met some great people here in atlanta. i'm excited that i'm starting a new life. i think there is a lot of opportunity for pov and me here.