Life and stuff
Dude. I haven't posted in FOR EV ER. I've been working a LOT and I typically just come home and zone or try to be productive in some way. However, since this IS my journal, I feel I should record significant events in my life.
My daddy passed away on December 1, 2011 at 4:38 PM. He had been in the hospital since October. Apparently his lung collapsed at home and he just couldn't catch his breath. They had been aware that there was a tear in his lung and it had been partially collapsed. They had put him on semi bed rest; apparently lung tissue can repair itself. So they'd been doing that he was seeming to recover, he said he was feeling better that week than he had in a long time. But one morning he just couldn't breathe. Fortunately, Jackie was there and called 911. They rushed him to the hospital and apparently he had coded when they got there, but they were able to resuscitate him. They did keep him knocked out for a few days and had him on a respirator -- he had a tube going down his throat to control his breathing. I think they did that so he wouldn't have to struggle with trying to breathe himself. He could heal better if it was more controlled.
Apparently, there had been a tear in both of his lungs, AND he had a blood clot in one lung. Because the tears, air was leaking out of the lungs, but had no where to go and created an air pocket in his body. Because the were air pockets, his lungs couldn't expand fully -- thus the collapsed lungs. They put tubes in his rib cage so that any air and fluid could escape, allowing the lungs to expand correctly.
Well, he was off the respirator a lot sooner than they had anticipated. They put him on blood thinners to break up any other blood clots and also put a little bitty filter in one of his veins to prevent blood clots to travel to his heart or brain. He was out of the ICU within a few days. They wanted to give the lungs time to heal themselves instead of something more invasive like surgery, which has its own set of hazards. His left lung was able to heal enough to remove the tubes. Then the right side. But almost immediately after removing the tubes from the right side, the tear got worse and they had to put them back.
His goal was to be home for Thanksgiving, but issues kept cropping up -- infections, really low blood pressure, etc. and he made a few more trips to the ICU. In addition to that, after being in bed for so long, even if he was well enough to be released from the hospital, he couldn't go straight home. He had been bed-ridden for so long, that he couldn't walk by himself. He could hardly stand, and not without extreme effort. They were going to have to put him in a rehabilitation home, at least until he was stable on his own two feet, able to shower on his own, etc.
He didn't make it home for Thanksgiving. Shortly before Thanksgiving, he has back in an ICU. At that point, he was just done. He was tired, and while he seemed stable for the most part, there just wasn't improvement being made. He said he was ready to go home. And until the end, he was open to a miracle from God, but he wanted to be home, one way or the other. His dad and older sister had come to visit when he first was in the hospital. They came back with his younger sister around Thanksgiving. They all kind of knew what was going on and were able to say their goodbyes. He chatted with me and the girls about how he felt and told us his goodbyes, along with a question and answer session.
His favorite dessert is lemon meringue icebox pie (which my mom used to make him every year for his birthday, which I started doing when my mom died).
His favorite home was the one my grandfather is still living in.
He liked to travel and was able to travel up the west coast and the east coast up into Canada with some classmates in college. It was with the landscape architecture group. If he was able to travel somewhere again, he said he'd want to go back to New York. When he was there before, they talked about how you could make mini green areas in empty lots and have ambient sounds like running water and plant walls to drown out the sounds of the city. He thought that was cool.
His favorite band is Three Dog Night.
He favorite breakfast is pancakes. He was the pancake-maker of the family.
After all this, I spent the night with him at the hospital on a Tuesday night, 11/29, Eleesha's birthday. Apparently, earlier that day, Pastor Jim and Sister Patsy came to visit him and chatted for a bit. Daddy said he was really grateful for that, that he felt a sense of closure there. Anyway, some people had finally convinced Jackie to go home and sleep in her own bed and get some real rest. She had been sleeping at the hospital with Daddy, as she didn't want to leave him and he didn't want to be alone either. He woke up a few times during the night, uncomfortable, but the nurses would come in and turn him or whatever and he'd be better and go back to sleep. Beyond that, though, I thought he was doing pretty good.
I expressed to Jeremy later on, my annoyance about all this. He had said his goodbyes a few days ago and now they were only trying to keep him comfortable, no further treatments, as per his requests. My thing was, he seemed stable. He obviously didn't like being confined to his bed, but where was it going to end? Why didn't they just continue doing whatever the heck they needed to do to get him improving and get him out of there.
Turns out, it ended the following Thursday. Jeremy called me at work around 4:30. The doctors had called him; he didn't have details, but I needed to get there ASAP. I called Eleesha to have her and Kyndal go to the hospital, too. By the time I got there, he had already passed.
The wake was on Sunday night. It was like a family reunion. And a lot of my coworkers came, too. I saw Dylan and Connie, Sean and Angela, Tammy, Pavitra, Susan, Paul, Dmitry, Natalie, Jane, LuAnn, Georgia, Andy and his wife. And you know, I was trying to figure out who from Eagles' Nest was there. Mr. Eddie and Mrs. Maria, Aaron Lowery and his mom, Bro. Chuck and Mrs. Cathy... That's all I can think of now. Does Mrs. Kim Hinton still go to Eagles' Nest? She and her daughter Morgan were there. There were a more people who USED to go to Eagles' Nest there. The Woodses, the Williamses, the Daugteridges, the Bakers, the Ertoloccis, Betsy and Rebecca Roberts, the Phifers, Mr. Lambion and Mrs. Esperance, the James'. Athena's parents were there, that was sweet.
The funeral was Monday morning. Mike couldn't make it to the wake, but he was at the funeral. Cassie and her family were there, Charity and her team, the Wakemans, I saw Mrs. Margret. Mrs. Charlotte James played piano and sang a hymn, Sara and Rhema sang a song with Mrs. Charlotte and Alexandria accompanying on piano and guitar. Tom got up and talked about how he was like a dad to him, Mrs. Gilda Suiter talked about how Daddy taught her son at church and how, while her son was rather "rambuncious", she knew if Daddy was there that he would have the patience to deal with him and that he wasn't going to be sent to sit with his parents.
I was there for the interment. I got shuffled away after Moma's committal and had later regretted not being there. The spots next to Moma were still available and Daddy got the one to her right. Jackie asked me if I would like him to be laid to rest where Moma was; that it would not bother her at all. The question initially caught me off guard, but I ultimately decided, yes, I would like that. So when I go to bring flowers, I can do that for both.
Nana and Uncle Sam had flown in to be with us and left this past Tuesday. Pa, Aunt Barbara, Aunt Joanne, Uncle Jim, and Theresa left today. (Aaron had flown out Monday night.) I took today off to try to be productive around the house.
People were constantly asking me how I was. :P I'm okay. I don't think it's quite sunk in completely. I don't think I'm in denial or anything, I just haven't pondered on it much. Maybe I should, maybe that would be healthier.
When Daddy was first diagnosed with cancer, it really ate me up. I was a mess, crying a lot. But then I realized, "Hey. He's not gone yet. He's still here. Quit mourning him like he's dead." And I few times when he was in the hospital I got teary-eyed, but I'd keep telling myself to buck up, he's not gone yet. Well, he's gone now. I guess I thought I'd cry more. Crying's messy though. And hard to snap out of.
At one point I really did stop and think about what was going on and the consequences and all that.
1.) It just wasn't computing. It just doesn't make sense that Daddy isn't going to be there any more to play cards with or drink coffee with or to watch football with (let's not kid ourselves, he would watch football and I would knit or something, but we'd hang out), or to just chat with. But he's ALWAYS been there. Just doesn't compute.
2.) After Moma died, I would have dreams that they would have find some miraculous way to bring her back to life and I'd wake up and I'd be in the middle of my day before I remembered the dream and realized it was JUST a dream. And I'd be horribly disappointed. Or I'd have a dream where they were somehow able to make her come back and I'd meet her in my dream but she wouldn't say anything and she wouldn't smile and that was just disturbing. Just a few weeks ago, I had a dream where they realized that Moma had some sort of virus that was making her APPEAR dead, but in reality her cells were in hyper-stasis and if they could get rid of the virus, she'd be fine. Moma died 13 years ago and I'd still dreaming this crap. I do NOT want to have bad dreams about Daddy, or having good dreams about Daddy only to wake up disappointed.
3.) Both of my parents died before they turned 60. This does not bode well for me. Or even worse, what Jeremy and any potential children will have to deal with. I want kids, but would I just be selfish for starting something I'm not sure I can finish. I communicated some of my thought to Jeremy and what he said made me feel better. He said that everyone dies and no one knows when; and that the only way to avoid dealing with that is to just not have kids, and he wasn't okay with that. I'm not okay with that either. I apologize in advance to my children if I have to peace out before you're ready to see me go.
After these three lovely points, I'm not inclined to spend much time thinking deeply about circumstances. I like the idea of just waiting it out until Daddy not being there is more normal, more commonplace. I think it'll be easier to deal with then; not as much of shock to the system. There are plenty of other things I can put my energy towards, and these are things that could actually benefit from my energies.
Beyond that...
At some point in September or October I was promoted to team lead at work. This mostly just means more work and responsibilities, but it also came with a pretty significant raise.
At some point in September (the 19th, to be precise), Jeremy and I celebrate our first wedding anniversary. It's been a year and I still love him and he still loves me so I think we're doing pretty good. :)
I think that's all for now.
My daddy passed away on December 1, 2011 at 4:38 PM. He had been in the hospital since October. Apparently his lung collapsed at home and he just couldn't catch his breath. They had been aware that there was a tear in his lung and it had been partially collapsed. They had put him on semi bed rest; apparently lung tissue can repair itself. So they'd been doing that he was seeming to recover, he said he was feeling better that week than he had in a long time. But one morning he just couldn't breathe. Fortunately, Jackie was there and called 911. They rushed him to the hospital and apparently he had coded when they got there, but they were able to resuscitate him. They did keep him knocked out for a few days and had him on a respirator -- he had a tube going down his throat to control his breathing. I think they did that so he wouldn't have to struggle with trying to breathe himself. He could heal better if it was more controlled.
Apparently, there had been a tear in both of his lungs, AND he had a blood clot in one lung. Because the tears, air was leaking out of the lungs, but had no where to go and created an air pocket in his body. Because the were air pockets, his lungs couldn't expand fully -- thus the collapsed lungs. They put tubes in his rib cage so that any air and fluid could escape, allowing the lungs to expand correctly.
Well, he was off the respirator a lot sooner than they had anticipated. They put him on blood thinners to break up any other blood clots and also put a little bitty filter in one of his veins to prevent blood clots to travel to his heart or brain. He was out of the ICU within a few days. They wanted to give the lungs time to heal themselves instead of something more invasive like surgery, which has its own set of hazards. His left lung was able to heal enough to remove the tubes. Then the right side. But almost immediately after removing the tubes from the right side, the tear got worse and they had to put them back.
His goal was to be home for Thanksgiving, but issues kept cropping up -- infections, really low blood pressure, etc. and he made a few more trips to the ICU. In addition to that, after being in bed for so long, even if he was well enough to be released from the hospital, he couldn't go straight home. He had been bed-ridden for so long, that he couldn't walk by himself. He could hardly stand, and not without extreme effort. They were going to have to put him in a rehabilitation home, at least until he was stable on his own two feet, able to shower on his own, etc.
He didn't make it home for Thanksgiving. Shortly before Thanksgiving, he has back in an ICU. At that point, he was just done. He was tired, and while he seemed stable for the most part, there just wasn't improvement being made. He said he was ready to go home. And until the end, he was open to a miracle from God, but he wanted to be home, one way or the other. His dad and older sister had come to visit when he first was in the hospital. They came back with his younger sister around Thanksgiving. They all kind of knew what was going on and were able to say their goodbyes. He chatted with me and the girls about how he felt and told us his goodbyes, along with a question and answer session.
His favorite dessert is lemon meringue icebox pie (which my mom used to make him every year for his birthday, which I started doing when my mom died).
His favorite home was the one my grandfather is still living in.
He liked to travel and was able to travel up the west coast and the east coast up into Canada with some classmates in college. It was with the landscape architecture group. If he was able to travel somewhere again, he said he'd want to go back to New York. When he was there before, they talked about how you could make mini green areas in empty lots and have ambient sounds like running water and plant walls to drown out the sounds of the city. He thought that was cool.
His favorite band is Three Dog Night.
He favorite breakfast is pancakes. He was the pancake-maker of the family.
After all this, I spent the night with him at the hospital on a Tuesday night, 11/29, Eleesha's birthday. Apparently, earlier that day, Pastor Jim and Sister Patsy came to visit him and chatted for a bit. Daddy said he was really grateful for that, that he felt a sense of closure there. Anyway, some people had finally convinced Jackie to go home and sleep in her own bed and get some real rest. She had been sleeping at the hospital with Daddy, as she didn't want to leave him and he didn't want to be alone either. He woke up a few times during the night, uncomfortable, but the nurses would come in and turn him or whatever and he'd be better and go back to sleep. Beyond that, though, I thought he was doing pretty good.
I expressed to Jeremy later on, my annoyance about all this. He had said his goodbyes a few days ago and now they were only trying to keep him comfortable, no further treatments, as per his requests. My thing was, he seemed stable. He obviously didn't like being confined to his bed, but where was it going to end? Why didn't they just continue doing whatever the heck they needed to do to get him improving and get him out of there.
Turns out, it ended the following Thursday. Jeremy called me at work around 4:30. The doctors had called him; he didn't have details, but I needed to get there ASAP. I called Eleesha to have her and Kyndal go to the hospital, too. By the time I got there, he had already passed.
The wake was on Sunday night. It was like a family reunion. And a lot of my coworkers came, too. I saw Dylan and Connie, Sean and Angela, Tammy, Pavitra, Susan, Paul, Dmitry, Natalie, Jane, LuAnn, Georgia, Andy and his wife. And you know, I was trying to figure out who from Eagles' Nest was there. Mr. Eddie and Mrs. Maria, Aaron Lowery and his mom, Bro. Chuck and Mrs. Cathy... That's all I can think of now. Does Mrs. Kim Hinton still go to Eagles' Nest? She and her daughter Morgan were there. There were a more people who USED to go to Eagles' Nest there. The Woodses, the Williamses, the Daugteridges, the Bakers, the Ertoloccis, Betsy and Rebecca Roberts, the Phifers, Mr. Lambion and Mrs. Esperance, the James'. Athena's parents were there, that was sweet.
The funeral was Monday morning. Mike couldn't make it to the wake, but he was at the funeral. Cassie and her family were there, Charity and her team, the Wakemans, I saw Mrs. Margret. Mrs. Charlotte James played piano and sang a hymn, Sara and Rhema sang a song with Mrs. Charlotte and Alexandria accompanying on piano and guitar. Tom got up and talked about how he was like a dad to him, Mrs. Gilda Suiter talked about how Daddy taught her son at church and how, while her son was rather "rambuncious", she knew if Daddy was there that he would have the patience to deal with him and that he wasn't going to be sent to sit with his parents.
I was there for the interment. I got shuffled away after Moma's committal and had later regretted not being there. The spots next to Moma were still available and Daddy got the one to her right. Jackie asked me if I would like him to be laid to rest where Moma was; that it would not bother her at all. The question initially caught me off guard, but I ultimately decided, yes, I would like that. So when I go to bring flowers, I can do that for both.
Nana and Uncle Sam had flown in to be with us and left this past Tuesday. Pa, Aunt Barbara, Aunt Joanne, Uncle Jim, and Theresa left today. (Aaron had flown out Monday night.) I took today off to try to be productive around the house.
People were constantly asking me how I was. :P I'm okay. I don't think it's quite sunk in completely. I don't think I'm in denial or anything, I just haven't pondered on it much. Maybe I should, maybe that would be healthier.
When Daddy was first diagnosed with cancer, it really ate me up. I was a mess, crying a lot. But then I realized, "Hey. He's not gone yet. He's still here. Quit mourning him like he's dead." And I few times when he was in the hospital I got teary-eyed, but I'd keep telling myself to buck up, he's not gone yet. Well, he's gone now. I guess I thought I'd cry more. Crying's messy though. And hard to snap out of.
At one point I really did stop and think about what was going on and the consequences and all that.
1.) It just wasn't computing. It just doesn't make sense that Daddy isn't going to be there any more to play cards with or drink coffee with or to watch football with (let's not kid ourselves, he would watch football and I would knit or something, but we'd hang out), or to just chat with. But he's ALWAYS been there. Just doesn't compute.
2.) After Moma died, I would have dreams that they would have find some miraculous way to bring her back to life and I'd wake up and I'd be in the middle of my day before I remembered the dream and realized it was JUST a dream. And I'd be horribly disappointed. Or I'd have a dream where they were somehow able to make her come back and I'd meet her in my dream but she wouldn't say anything and she wouldn't smile and that was just disturbing. Just a few weeks ago, I had a dream where they realized that Moma had some sort of virus that was making her APPEAR dead, but in reality her cells were in hyper-stasis and if they could get rid of the virus, she'd be fine. Moma died 13 years ago and I'd still dreaming this crap. I do NOT want to have bad dreams about Daddy, or having good dreams about Daddy only to wake up disappointed.
3.) Both of my parents died before they turned 60. This does not bode well for me. Or even worse, what Jeremy and any potential children will have to deal with. I want kids, but would I just be selfish for starting something I'm not sure I can finish. I communicated some of my thought to Jeremy and what he said made me feel better. He said that everyone dies and no one knows when; and that the only way to avoid dealing with that is to just not have kids, and he wasn't okay with that. I'm not okay with that either. I apologize in advance to my children if I have to peace out before you're ready to see me go.
After these three lovely points, I'm not inclined to spend much time thinking deeply about circumstances. I like the idea of just waiting it out until Daddy not being there is more normal, more commonplace. I think it'll be easier to deal with then; not as much of shock to the system. There are plenty of other things I can put my energy towards, and these are things that could actually benefit from my energies.
Beyond that...
At some point in September or October I was promoted to team lead at work. This mostly just means more work and responsibilities, but it also came with a pretty significant raise.
At some point in September (the 19th, to be precise), Jeremy and I celebrate our first wedding anniversary. It's been a year and I still love him and he still loves me so I think we're doing pretty good. :)
I think that's all for now.