(no subject)
Ive got nothing to do at the moment so im just gonna keep typing.
I feel so confused about my life and about the decisions ive made fo rinstance. Why i didnt focus on school, or why i let myself go weight wise, or why I have not created a light at the end of the tunnel for myself. I feel like ive created a "no hope" situation for myself, sure there is hope but its now harder to acheive that hope its like ive dug myself deeper in a hole after i saw the ladder was there. I feel so whiney typing like this like im asking for attention and i want people to get the "down low" on my problems. I guess im just not comfortable in this skin in this mask, I wish i could do more with my life. do more for the people around me, and just wake up looking forward to the day instead of having a hard time pulling the blanket off me I wanna know what it feels like to be happy and not just "tee hee this is so much fun happy" but to wake up and have so much to look forward to and also have a crutch that i will always know is there to lean of if i need it. My family is in pieces my dad has been diagnosed with alzheimers and everytime he is around it brings me to tears that my dad isnt my dad anymore and because of his lifestyle while i was growing up i wont ever have a chance to learn what it was like to have a dad, and my mom, my mom is a minipulative whore and im not just saying that like im mad cause she grounded me, nothing like that she has made me feel like nothing since i was a young, after the divorce she became an alcoholic and would come home drunk and hit my brother chris, she would give me money to leave the house while she had sex with different guys, and she never would give up on acting like "worlds best mom" and making my dad feel like he was "worlds worst dad" my dad cared about me which was something i really needed growing up my mom never did. They would often fight about who would take me for the weekend i still feel a world of neglect for that, my parents didnt even want me around. my brother Ryan had went to school when this divorce happened and didnt see any of the results he didnt see the change he had his life. Then he comes home and sees me sad all the time and decides that im a "spoiled brat" and never not once in my life had acted like a brother. Chris is basically my family he was always there for me growing up that is until my mom kicked him out when i was 8. so at 8 i lost my family Imean i saw him every weekend but he wasnt across the hall when i needed him most and illnever forgive my mother for that. Hes the only one who sees potential in me and it really makes a world of difference that someone cares that much about me... I cant think of these times with out crying right now is no exception. My life since day 1 has been a storm. Have you ever heard that "you will grow up to be just like your parents"? just that scares me beyond belief, the thought to make a child, your child feel like all he is, is an obstacle...i dunno if talking about this stuff the whole just got deeper.
I feel so confused about my life and about the decisions ive made fo rinstance. Why i didnt focus on school, or why i let myself go weight wise, or why I have not created a light at the end of the tunnel for myself. I feel like ive created a "no hope" situation for myself, sure there is hope but its now harder to acheive that hope its like ive dug myself deeper in a hole after i saw the ladder was there. I feel so whiney typing like this like im asking for attention and i want people to get the "down low" on my problems. I guess im just not comfortable in this skin in this mask, I wish i could do more with my life. do more for the people around me, and just wake up looking forward to the day instead of having a hard time pulling the blanket off me I wanna know what it feels like to be happy and not just "tee hee this is so much fun happy" but to wake up and have so much to look forward to and also have a crutch that i will always know is there to lean of if i need it. My family is in pieces my dad has been diagnosed with alzheimers and everytime he is around it brings me to tears that my dad isnt my dad anymore and because of his lifestyle while i was growing up i wont ever have a chance to learn what it was like to have a dad, and my mom, my mom is a minipulative whore and im not just saying that like im mad cause she grounded me, nothing like that she has made me feel like nothing since i was a young, after the divorce she became an alcoholic and would come home drunk and hit my brother chris, she would give me money to leave the house while she had sex with different guys, and she never would give up on acting like "worlds best mom" and making my dad feel like he was "worlds worst dad" my dad cared about me which was something i really needed growing up my mom never did. They would often fight about who would take me for the weekend i still feel a world of neglect for that, my parents didnt even want me around. my brother Ryan had went to school when this divorce happened and didnt see any of the results he didnt see the change he had his life. Then he comes home and sees me sad all the time and decides that im a "spoiled brat" and never not once in my life had acted like a brother. Chris is basically my family he was always there for me growing up that is until my mom kicked him out when i was 8. so at 8 i lost my family Imean i saw him every weekend but he wasnt across the hall when i needed him most and illnever forgive my mother for that. Hes the only one who sees potential in me and it really makes a world of difference that someone cares that much about me... I cant think of these times with out crying right now is no exception. My life since day 1 has been a storm. Have you ever heard that "you will grow up to be just like your parents"? just that scares me beyond belief, the thought to make a child, your child feel like all he is, is an obstacle...i dunno if talking about this stuff the whole just got deeper.