"I realized that even though they had saved my life, the gods were still mocking me..."
Do any of you feel....completely helpless sometimes? I don't even know what to do anymore.
He's hurting and I want _so_ much to be there for him...to show him I care, but. I don't know what I can do when there's only so much he will tell me about his problems. And then....it feels like he's constantly asking for sex. Okay...I enjoy relieving stress as much as the next person, but ugh I just don't know.
He has this way of making me feel so guilty about everything. Like I honestly don't care. Because I won't....
But I couldn't. I could never do that to Kevin...again. I love him far too much and I never want to hurt him. Especially not like that...
I think I should just stop reading his journal entries. They always make me feel like such a bad person. He hardly ever states who he's talking about at the moment so I, of course, speculate. And I always assume that shit is my fault. I really must break that habit. I'm not trying to flatter myself or anything and think that I cause horrible troubles in his life....I know that's not the case. I know that I'm pretty much insignificant to him. But that doesn't change the fact that it's another person I failed to help.
Another person I failed to make feel better.
Why do I feel the need to please everyone else all the time? And then...when I can't......
I _have_ helped some people...I think. I mean...people wouldn't say, "Omg thank you for helping," if I hadn't, no?
Okay now I just sound like a selfish rambling bitch.
This entry was supposed to be about him. lol
Speaking of hims. I'm really worried for Zack today.... We were talking last night and he's going to try and end his friendship with that girl.....and we talked about it for a while....he's really...going to do it. "I just don't think I can stand to see her cry," he said.....and then to lighten the mood (this is why I'm in love with Zack..lol), "...If she doesn't shed a tear I'm going to smack her." Oh goodness...he won't really. But I love his ability to make jokes out of horrible situations all the time. He's a good guy *nods*. Well...anyway...I just wish him luck..and strength. What he's doing is _hard
_, but it will make things better.
Yea...I'm gonna go shower again. That'll make me feel better. Maybe drive somewhere today...get my mind off things.
I just wish I could talk to him about all of this, but....he'd just say, "hush" or we'd get mad at eachother or something. He doesn't want to talk to me. He doesn't trust me...or...he doesn't love me...or he hates me. I don't freaking know. But something must be wrong with me.
I wish I could just hate him when he snaps at me like that. But part of me knows he's right...and the other part knows that he's in pain. And I just can't.....
I wish I could detach my feelings from everything....it would make life so much easier. Well then...I wouldn't be me. :P
I should go. Talking about this is going to make me crazy.
He's hurting and I want _so_ much to be there for him...to show him I care, but. I don't know what I can do when there's only so much he will tell me about his problems. And then....it feels like he's constantly asking for sex. Okay...I enjoy relieving stress as much as the next person, but ugh I just don't know.
He has this way of making me feel so guilty about everything. Like I honestly don't care. Because I won't....
But I couldn't. I could never do that to Kevin...again. I love him far too much and I never want to hurt him. Especially not like that...
I think I should just stop reading his journal entries. They always make me feel like such a bad person. He hardly ever states who he's talking about at the moment so I, of course, speculate. And I always assume that shit is my fault. I really must break that habit. I'm not trying to flatter myself or anything and think that I cause horrible troubles in his life....I know that's not the case. I know that I'm pretty much insignificant to him. But that doesn't change the fact that it's another person I failed to help.
Another person I failed to make feel better.
Why do I feel the need to please everyone else all the time? And then...when I can't......
I _have_ helped some people...I think. I mean...people wouldn't say, "Omg thank you for helping," if I hadn't, no?
Okay now I just sound like a selfish rambling bitch.
This entry was supposed to be about him. lol
Speaking of hims. I'm really worried for Zack today.... We were talking last night and he's going to try and end his friendship with that girl.....and we talked about it for a while....he's really...going to do it. "I just don't think I can stand to see her cry," he said.....and then to lighten the mood (this is why I'm in love with Zack..lol), "...If she doesn't shed a tear I'm going to smack her." Oh goodness...he won't really. But I love his ability to make jokes out of horrible situations all the time. He's a good guy *nods*. Well...anyway...I just wish him luck..and strength. What he's doing is _hard
_, but it will make things better.
Yea...I'm gonna go shower again. That'll make me feel better. Maybe drive somewhere today...get my mind off things.
I just wish I could talk to him about all of this, but....he'd just say, "hush" or we'd get mad at eachother or something. He doesn't want to talk to me. He doesn't trust me...or...he doesn't love me...or he hates me. I don't freaking know. But something must be wrong with me.
I wish I could just hate him when he snaps at me like that. But part of me knows he's right...and the other part knows that he's in pain. And I just can't.....
I wish I could detach my feelings from everything....it would make life so much easier. Well then...I wouldn't be me. :P
I should go. Talking about this is going to make me crazy.