I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell
yea...so I've been reading this book nonstop and I want to share some of it with you guys because I'm bored out of my ass...and this book is the shit. And you should all go out and buy yourself a copy ;)
BLOWJOB BETTY (exerpt from chapter: The Blowjob Follies)
Those incidents were from back when I was young and cared about things like feelings and emotions. As I grew older and my soul became jaded, I realized that I could be an asshole and get away with it, so I became more risky with my blowjob activities.
One time I was with a girl, we'll call her "Betty." She lived in a house with three other girls, but they were all out, so we hooked up in her living room. Betty was a master of her craft, and especially loved going down on me. She was hitting the crescendo of her well-conducted symphony of knob-slobbing, but right before I felt myself let loose into her mouth, the door to her house opened.
Her roomate was barely inside when she saw Betty on her knees sucking me off like she was auditioning for a porn movie. Betty, lips still wrapped firmly around my penis, hand wrapped around my shaft, heard the noise and looked up. Momentarily the eyes of the two roomates locked, one walking in the door, the other with my dick in her mouth. At that exact moment in time, two things happened simultaneously:
I shot my load into Betty's mouth.
The roomate screamed and ran back out the door.
I had not cum for about three days before this encounter, and thus I had a Peter North sized 8-roper waiting for her. This did not sit well for Betty, especially because she was not expecting it.
Betty tried to take the porn star load, but it was just too much. She was not ready and still trying to process the fact that her roommate saw her sucking dick, so she started choking. Not coughing or a slight choke-the bitch was turning red and dying right in front of me, with my seed as the instrument of death.
I was unsure what to do; I'd never seen a girl choke on dick before. I thought that only happened in rap songs.
After about five seconds of watching her retch, the words from the Too Short song "Blowjob Betty" rang through my head, "A young girl died just last night, she choked on sperm in her windpipe..." so I did the only thing I could think of. I gave her the Heimlich Maneuver.
I grabbed her around her chest just below her breasts and pulled my fists into her ribcage with all my force. After about three times she heaved, coughed my splooge all over her couch and started yelling at me, "STOP IT! [cough] YOU'RE HURTING ME! [cough] STOP ASSHOLE!"
I ended up having to take her to the hospital. Not for asphyxiation-she wasn't choking after all, the cum just surprised her and got in her nose. Nope...in my enthusiasism to save her life, I had succeeded in breaking one of her ribs.
The highlight of the night was at the ER when the doctor told me that I did a very good job with the Heimlich. Apparently, you're actually supposed to break a rib if you do it right.
We never could get the old magic back after that night. It might have been because she couldn't take a deep breath for two months.
THE MCGRIDDLE ARGUMENT (excerpt from chapter: Everyone Has "That" Friend)
Even though he can be weird in a lot of ways, SlingBlade is a legit comedic genious. The purest example of this is "The McGriddle Argument." On the message board attached to my site, SlingBlade and I we were talking about a McDonalds breakfast sandwhich called the McGriddle. This is the basic transcript of the discussion:
Tucker: "Dude-that thing looks disgusting. It has to be nasty, with the syrup shit in it. What is that?"
SlingBlade: "I can only assume from your cavalier attitude that you have yet to partake of the wonderment that is the McGriddle. Let me enlighten you. What happens is the One True God grows them on trees in the Elysian Fields using a heretofore unused incantation. He then proceeds to magic them down to your local eatery where whatever Ghetto Bastard cook your McDonalds has rescued from welfare that week proceeds to wrap it in cellophane and pass it along to you, the fortunate consumer. You proceed to ingest this finery in the vain hope that your obviously overmatched taste buds can somehow grasp the delectable intricascies it is suddenly faced with. Is that egg? Why yes it is, and bacon too. But wait-they didn't add...yes they did, yes they did indeed. They added cheese. And then, then my friends, they wrapped it in a sumptuous pancake bun! As your taste buds try to process that amazing piece of information, IT hits them...the syrup nugget. THE MOTHERFUCKING SYRUP NUGGET! It announces itself with a burst of confectionery grandiosity the likes of which your palate has never seen."
Tucker: "So you like them?"
SlingBlade: "If you EVER speak ill of the McGriddle again I will personally force-feed you one while I fuck you in the butt using the wrapper as a condom and then donkey punch you when the infused syrup nuggets explode in your mouth."
Ironically, I think more people on my message board have commented on that than anything I've ever written there.
Omg...sooooo inappopriate but I am IN LOVE with this book!!!!!
If you guys enjoyed this horrible taste of humor...go to his website: www.tuckermax.com
I love you all! lol
BLOWJOB BETTY (exerpt from chapter: The Blowjob Follies)
Those incidents were from back when I was young and cared about things like feelings and emotions. As I grew older and my soul became jaded, I realized that I could be an asshole and get away with it, so I became more risky with my blowjob activities.
One time I was with a girl, we'll call her "Betty." She lived in a house with three other girls, but they were all out, so we hooked up in her living room. Betty was a master of her craft, and especially loved going down on me. She was hitting the crescendo of her well-conducted symphony of knob-slobbing, but right before I felt myself let loose into her mouth, the door to her house opened.
Her roomate was barely inside when she saw Betty on her knees sucking me off like she was auditioning for a porn movie. Betty, lips still wrapped firmly around my penis, hand wrapped around my shaft, heard the noise and looked up. Momentarily the eyes of the two roomates locked, one walking in the door, the other with my dick in her mouth. At that exact moment in time, two things happened simultaneously:
I shot my load into Betty's mouth.
The roomate screamed and ran back out the door.
I had not cum for about three days before this encounter, and thus I had a Peter North sized 8-roper waiting for her. This did not sit well for Betty, especially because she was not expecting it.
Betty tried to take the porn star load, but it was just too much. She was not ready and still trying to process the fact that her roommate saw her sucking dick, so she started choking. Not coughing or a slight choke-the bitch was turning red and dying right in front of me, with my seed as the instrument of death.
I was unsure what to do; I'd never seen a girl choke on dick before. I thought that only happened in rap songs.
After about five seconds of watching her retch, the words from the Too Short song "Blowjob Betty" rang through my head, "A young girl died just last night, she choked on sperm in her windpipe..." so I did the only thing I could think of. I gave her the Heimlich Maneuver.
I grabbed her around her chest just below her breasts and pulled my fists into her ribcage with all my force. After about three times she heaved, coughed my splooge all over her couch and started yelling at me, "STOP IT! [cough] YOU'RE HURTING ME! [cough] STOP ASSHOLE!"
I ended up having to take her to the hospital. Not for asphyxiation-she wasn't choking after all, the cum just surprised her and got in her nose. Nope...in my enthusiasism to save her life, I had succeeded in breaking one of her ribs.
The highlight of the night was at the ER when the doctor told me that I did a very good job with the Heimlich. Apparently, you're actually supposed to break a rib if you do it right.
We never could get the old magic back after that night. It might have been because she couldn't take a deep breath for two months.
THE MCGRIDDLE ARGUMENT (excerpt from chapter: Everyone Has "That" Friend)
Even though he can be weird in a lot of ways, SlingBlade is a legit comedic genious. The purest example of this is "The McGriddle Argument." On the message board attached to my site, SlingBlade and I we were talking about a McDonalds breakfast sandwhich called the McGriddle. This is the basic transcript of the discussion:
Tucker: "Dude-that thing looks disgusting. It has to be nasty, with the syrup shit in it. What is that?"
SlingBlade: "I can only assume from your cavalier attitude that you have yet to partake of the wonderment that is the McGriddle. Let me enlighten you. What happens is the One True God grows them on trees in the Elysian Fields using a heretofore unused incantation. He then proceeds to magic them down to your local eatery where whatever Ghetto Bastard cook your McDonalds has rescued from welfare that week proceeds to wrap it in cellophane and pass it along to you, the fortunate consumer. You proceed to ingest this finery in the vain hope that your obviously overmatched taste buds can somehow grasp the delectable intricascies it is suddenly faced with. Is that egg? Why yes it is, and bacon too. But wait-they didn't add...yes they did, yes they did indeed. They added cheese. And then, then my friends, they wrapped it in a sumptuous pancake bun! As your taste buds try to process that amazing piece of information, IT hits them...the syrup nugget. THE MOTHERFUCKING SYRUP NUGGET! It announces itself with a burst of confectionery grandiosity the likes of which your palate has never seen."
Tucker: "So you like them?"
SlingBlade: "If you EVER speak ill of the McGriddle again I will personally force-feed you one while I fuck you in the butt using the wrapper as a condom and then donkey punch you when the infused syrup nuggets explode in your mouth."
Ironically, I think more people on my message board have commented on that than anything I've ever written there.
Omg...sooooo inappopriate but I am IN LOVE with this book!!!!!
If you guys enjoyed this horrible taste of humor...go to his website: www.tuckermax.com
I love you all! lol