I don't know whats right or whats real anymore
I think i just really need to post. I have an aversion to phones and for some reason i just cannot talk to anyone right now. I'm in a weird mood where I am overloaded with feelings. Just let me type and don't judge.
Wednesday I surprised myself. The storm had passed and it was just raining. I put on some shorts and wandered out in the rain. Only once I was in the woods did I truly look around me and smile... no one was there. no one to judge, no one to think, it was just me. I AM that weird chick who walks in the woods or just wants to sit outside with my glass of cool-aid and do nothing! Whats so weird about that? Why does everyone look at you funny? Do i need a purpose now to be standing outside? A cigarette in my hand or a dog on a leash? They do not know what they miss... or maybe even if they tried they just won't get the same feeling I do. I wonder if they're jealous. We get to wrapped up in our own lives sometimes.
I got into a fight with Sarah. She was drunk albeit, but i think she finally said what is on everyone else's minds. Chase and I are dumb. Chase is dumb for setting up the games and I'm dumb for playing them. I know she's worried about me, but i realize that I put myself in this situation and it's really just the throw of the dice. Even I win, Odd I go on with just another shattered heart. I've been pretending that I still have these walls that my heart can't be broken, but i've been having dreams... and the dreams are mean and just them alone wake me up in tears. But lately he's been there to kiss them away. I think all that matters is that I'm happy, I'm doing the same thing he is (i actually think i'm doing more), i'm talking to at least 2 other people. One of those people is the reason Sarah snapped. She's so concerned about my feelings she is trying to push for Jason (this new guy) and the only connection she saw is that he's geeky and loves sex. He's been a good friend of hers for years so of course she's gonna push for him. And sure i'll give him a chance, but DO NOT insult my feelings that are already there. She took it a step way too far, cornering and lecturing on Chase and I. I love him... I'm In love with him. I can't help it... I knew that it would happen 2 years ago. And on his behalf he has done more for me than i have ever seen him do for anyone (other than his ex-fiancee). I see truth to his eyes when he lets down his walls and actually lets me know how much he cares and about his love for me. Yeah i'm prepared to get hurt, if i do i deserved it and I don't plan to make a big deal... but there's also hope... what if this turns into something grandios? Its worth it. THERE IS DEFINITELY something there. I'm not gonna let anyone else tell me otherwise this time.... In my defense, I know him... u don't.
And plus i enjoy sitting and finally feeling whole. We're both on the same level, peaceful, don't have to say a word and yet know everything... and that's a feeling I LOVE to indulge.
So as saturday fast approaches, and festival also fast approaching.. if he wasn't thinking of me when he's with her.. he's going to. I've got this stunning outfit to show off a mid-drift that is starting to look tan and tone! That goes along with the new eye-wear that is glass free! (yay contacts). I've already started to get heads to turn, and I plan to work harder to get more. I've been feeling so horrible about my looks and have been hateful to myself... that i actually got up and began doing something about it. Its been a long time since i've been this proud of myself confidence-wise. I went to the pool yesturday and did not cover up. I know that I'm still not perfect, hell i still barely fit into size 11 jeans and i'm still 30 pounds away from my ideal weight... but i feel better... and I know that i'm something worth chasing. I have a lot to offer actually, I'm fun and have an amazing place to stay in NY. :) ha ha.
(to him) If you already accept that your in love with me, why wouldn't you want to be with this? Why would you want to date around? WE FIT AND U KNOW IT! u said so. then why???? You already admitted your biggest fear about this game is that I may find someone better and for good. Then step up your game! I'm not waiting, but i am ready.
So many emotions, one tiny mind... excitement at the events to come: Jason is coming into town for sarah's graduation, solar, ren fair, beach/watergun weekend (which is the weekend of the 15th which i will probably be coming home for by the way..... Love: Chase..... Happy: because i'm getting to restart school, The moments with Chase, the fact I realized good things about my personality.... Pride: i look good, i got over the fact that my mom doesn't care.....Fustration/Anger/Confusion: This game, people's thoughts....Shame: Because i've missed out in my friend's lives by being way to involved in mine.
Wednesday I surprised myself. The storm had passed and it was just raining. I put on some shorts and wandered out in the rain. Only once I was in the woods did I truly look around me and smile... no one was there. no one to judge, no one to think, it was just me. I AM that weird chick who walks in the woods or just wants to sit outside with my glass of cool-aid and do nothing! Whats so weird about that? Why does everyone look at you funny? Do i need a purpose now to be standing outside? A cigarette in my hand or a dog on a leash? They do not know what they miss... or maybe even if they tried they just won't get the same feeling I do. I wonder if they're jealous. We get to wrapped up in our own lives sometimes.
I got into a fight with Sarah. She was drunk albeit, but i think she finally said what is on everyone else's minds. Chase and I are dumb. Chase is dumb for setting up the games and I'm dumb for playing them. I know she's worried about me, but i realize that I put myself in this situation and it's really just the throw of the dice. Even I win, Odd I go on with just another shattered heart. I've been pretending that I still have these walls that my heart can't be broken, but i've been having dreams... and the dreams are mean and just them alone wake me up in tears. But lately he's been there to kiss them away. I think all that matters is that I'm happy, I'm doing the same thing he is (i actually think i'm doing more), i'm talking to at least 2 other people. One of those people is the reason Sarah snapped. She's so concerned about my feelings she is trying to push for Jason (this new guy) and the only connection she saw is that he's geeky and loves sex. He's been a good friend of hers for years so of course she's gonna push for him. And sure i'll give him a chance, but DO NOT insult my feelings that are already there. She took it a step way too far, cornering and lecturing on Chase and I. I love him... I'm In love with him. I can't help it... I knew that it would happen 2 years ago. And on his behalf he has done more for me than i have ever seen him do for anyone (other than his ex-fiancee). I see truth to his eyes when he lets down his walls and actually lets me know how much he cares and about his love for me. Yeah i'm prepared to get hurt, if i do i deserved it and I don't plan to make a big deal... but there's also hope... what if this turns into something grandios? Its worth it. THERE IS DEFINITELY something there. I'm not gonna let anyone else tell me otherwise this time.... In my defense, I know him... u don't.
And plus i enjoy sitting and finally feeling whole. We're both on the same level, peaceful, don't have to say a word and yet know everything... and that's a feeling I LOVE to indulge.
So as saturday fast approaches, and festival also fast approaching.. if he wasn't thinking of me when he's with her.. he's going to. I've got this stunning outfit to show off a mid-drift that is starting to look tan and tone! That goes along with the new eye-wear that is glass free! (yay contacts). I've already started to get heads to turn, and I plan to work harder to get more. I've been feeling so horrible about my looks and have been hateful to myself... that i actually got up and began doing something about it. Its been a long time since i've been this proud of myself confidence-wise. I went to the pool yesturday and did not cover up. I know that I'm still not perfect, hell i still barely fit into size 11 jeans and i'm still 30 pounds away from my ideal weight... but i feel better... and I know that i'm something worth chasing. I have a lot to offer actually, I'm fun and have an amazing place to stay in NY. :) ha ha.
(to him) If you already accept that your in love with me, why wouldn't you want to be with this? Why would you want to date around? WE FIT AND U KNOW IT! u said so. then why???? You already admitted your biggest fear about this game is that I may find someone better and for good. Then step up your game! I'm not waiting, but i am ready.
So many emotions, one tiny mind... excitement at the events to come: Jason is coming into town for sarah's graduation, solar, ren fair, beach/watergun weekend (which is the weekend of the 15th which i will probably be coming home for by the way..... Love: Chase..... Happy: because i'm getting to restart school, The moments with Chase, the fact I realized good things about my personality.... Pride: i look good, i got over the fact that my mom doesn't care.....Fustration/Anger/Confusion: This game, people's thoughts....Shame: Because i've missed out in my friend's lives by being way to involved in mine.