(no subject)
I'll make you wish you hadn't burned our time before,
I'll live through this in a manner cursed at my own accord.
I really hate feeling the way I did yesterday, but I suppose you can't feel happy every day of your life. I feel like I've been on an emotional roller coaster all week though, and yesterday was the day it caught up with me. All week I've been fighting with myself emotionally on whether it's still worth all the effort to be with her. Initially at the beginning of the week I started to feel like it was never going to happen, but then as I wrote after that I found out that she was supposedly only growing closer to me.
For some reason yesterday, it just felt like it hit rock bottom instantly. I was eating breakfast with my good friend Chris, and this subject came up. Now you have to remember that down here I have two really close friends, Chris being one of them and Derek being the other. They're the friends that I stick by and trust right now, however Chris is the one that's made it clear to me how stupid it would be to go out with her, while Derek is doing everything he can to try and help me and her get together. So obviously you can see how this might play with my mind, because like I've said before I do take everything my friends say to heart, that's why they're my friends.
So anyways Chris and I are sitting there eating, and he was just going on and on about how stupid it would be for me to go out with her. He told me that he didn't think she was worth it, and that I should be out trying to meet someone else. After explaining to him that I really do like her, he asked me this, "Would you be willing to turn down any girl right now for her? I mean look at you Carl, how long have you two been hanging out like this, with all the flirting, the texting, and the grab assing only to still be only friends. It seems to me like you're going out of your way to be with her only for nothing to happen, and even worse you're not even giving yourself a chance to meet someone else in case this whole thing doesn't work out. Think about it Carl, if it's this much of a pain and hassle just to get to go out with her, think of the nightmare you're going to be introduced to once you two actually start dating and have to maintain a relationship."
I think it was that little speech there that just sat on my mind all day and all night. I don't think it's been a "pain" trying to get with her, granted it's taken a lot longer than it has with any other girl I've been with before, but this whole time I've felt that she's worth the wait. I guess the thing I had to think about it, how much will really change if and when we start dating? At this point I didn't know, I was kind of hoping for some reassurance from her when I went to hang out with her later on that day, but obviously that didn't happen. I mean when I first got there, everything seemed great like it usually did, but it wasn't until she got a phone call from her sister I believe that it just really hit me. As she went on in detail about the things currently going on in her life that are going to make "us" a bit of a challenge, I sat there and wondered if she really even did like me.
You see this whole time we've been hanging out, I've never once heard from her mouth that she likes me. I've heard it from Derek, and when I talked to her about it, I told her that I liked her, but I really never heard it back from her. Once again the whole "she says she really likes you right now," came from Derek and not her. So as I sat there on the couch half listening in, half thinking, I thought about how it was usually me that starts the flirting, it's always me that's got to send the first text message of the day, it's always me to ask what she's doing for that day, it's always me to scoot over on the couch to try and get closer to her, it's always me putting forth the effort. This made me think how different the association of our affairs would be if once in a while I'd just wait for her to start something, or put forth some kind of effort to show she's at least interested, and at this point I just didn't know.
So I got up and went to the bathroom, I took off my hat and ran some cold water. I splashed my face with the water as I looked up in the mirror, but I didn't see myself for some reason. It was like I saw my friend Chris there just shaking his head in disappointment mouthing the words, "I told you so." It was at this point in time that I looked at myself in the mirror and said, "Fuck this shit, let's see if this really is a one way thing or if it's a two way thing." So needless to say, I cut back on everything. I came back and scooted over to my end of the couch to see if she'd try to scoot closer to me, well she didn't. I stopped all the flirting just to see if she'd try to flirt with me, and she didn't. So we just sat there and watched TV while she was still on the phone. I feel bad for kind of ruining poker night by being down and all, but last night I don't think she even really cared at all that I was being quiet, that she didn't really care that I wasn't flirting with her, which only made things worse.
It was like she didn't even notice, that is until on my way home after leaving she sent me a message asking if I was okay. For some reason I really hate when people try to be coy when they damn well know something. I made it pretty fucking obvious the whole night that I wasn't okay, so why the need to bullshit around and ask? At this point I really didn't care, so I told her that I thought I was okay, but I just had a lot of things on my mind. It was one of those messages that you sit there pretty much knowing what she's going to say in response, and all I was hoping for is that she'd at least ask what was on my mind, since it pretty much involved her, but this is what I got in response. "Okay sorry to ask again, but you just seemed so sad." This obviously isn't the response I was hoping for, to me it felt like she didn't even care what was on my mind at all.
I decided to give her one more shot when I replied, "To be honest I don't know how I really feel right now." Now if she didn't care to ask anything further about that, then I was going to say fuck it, but luckily she then at least asked why I felt this way. So I went on to tell her part of the problem, I didn't really fill her in on the half about Chris telling me how stupid the whole concept of her and I being together really was. There was one message where I sent to just to see if she'd at least say it back, I told her how much I liked her and I said that I needed to know how she felt. She replied that she felt the same way, which was honestly the first point of the day where I felt really happy. I told her that we needed to talk about it sometime soon, and she agreed so we'll see how that goes down.
As of right now, I still do want to make this work because I really am crazy about her, but I'm not going to put forth a whole lot of effort until she proves to me that she truly indeed does feel the same way, I want to hear her say it and I want to see her show it because trying to start a relationship with a woman that's pregnant with another man's child won't be an easy thing, and I just want to make sure that I really have met a girl worth the risk, worth it all.
"Never to suffer would never to have been blessed."
-Edgar Allan Poe-
I'll live through this in a manner cursed at my own accord.
I really hate feeling the way I did yesterday, but I suppose you can't feel happy every day of your life. I feel like I've been on an emotional roller coaster all week though, and yesterday was the day it caught up with me. All week I've been fighting with myself emotionally on whether it's still worth all the effort to be with her. Initially at the beginning of the week I started to feel like it was never going to happen, but then as I wrote after that I found out that she was supposedly only growing closer to me.
For some reason yesterday, it just felt like it hit rock bottom instantly. I was eating breakfast with my good friend Chris, and this subject came up. Now you have to remember that down here I have two really close friends, Chris being one of them and Derek being the other. They're the friends that I stick by and trust right now, however Chris is the one that's made it clear to me how stupid it would be to go out with her, while Derek is doing everything he can to try and help me and her get together. So obviously you can see how this might play with my mind, because like I've said before I do take everything my friends say to heart, that's why they're my friends.
So anyways Chris and I are sitting there eating, and he was just going on and on about how stupid it would be for me to go out with her. He told me that he didn't think she was worth it, and that I should be out trying to meet someone else. After explaining to him that I really do like her, he asked me this, "Would you be willing to turn down any girl right now for her? I mean look at you Carl, how long have you two been hanging out like this, with all the flirting, the texting, and the grab assing only to still be only friends. It seems to me like you're going out of your way to be with her only for nothing to happen, and even worse you're not even giving yourself a chance to meet someone else in case this whole thing doesn't work out. Think about it Carl, if it's this much of a pain and hassle just to get to go out with her, think of the nightmare you're going to be introduced to once you two actually start dating and have to maintain a relationship."
I think it was that little speech there that just sat on my mind all day and all night. I don't think it's been a "pain" trying to get with her, granted it's taken a lot longer than it has with any other girl I've been with before, but this whole time I've felt that she's worth the wait. I guess the thing I had to think about it, how much will really change if and when we start dating? At this point I didn't know, I was kind of hoping for some reassurance from her when I went to hang out with her later on that day, but obviously that didn't happen. I mean when I first got there, everything seemed great like it usually did, but it wasn't until she got a phone call from her sister I believe that it just really hit me. As she went on in detail about the things currently going on in her life that are going to make "us" a bit of a challenge, I sat there and wondered if she really even did like me.
You see this whole time we've been hanging out, I've never once heard from her mouth that she likes me. I've heard it from Derek, and when I talked to her about it, I told her that I liked her, but I really never heard it back from her. Once again the whole "she says she really likes you right now," came from Derek and not her. So as I sat there on the couch half listening in, half thinking, I thought about how it was usually me that starts the flirting, it's always me that's got to send the first text message of the day, it's always me to ask what she's doing for that day, it's always me to scoot over on the couch to try and get closer to her, it's always me putting forth the effort. This made me think how different the association of our affairs would be if once in a while I'd just wait for her to start something, or put forth some kind of effort to show she's at least interested, and at this point I just didn't know.
So I got up and went to the bathroom, I took off my hat and ran some cold water. I splashed my face with the water as I looked up in the mirror, but I didn't see myself for some reason. It was like I saw my friend Chris there just shaking his head in disappointment mouthing the words, "I told you so." It was at this point in time that I looked at myself in the mirror and said, "Fuck this shit, let's see if this really is a one way thing or if it's a two way thing." So needless to say, I cut back on everything. I came back and scooted over to my end of the couch to see if she'd try to scoot closer to me, well she didn't. I stopped all the flirting just to see if she'd try to flirt with me, and she didn't. So we just sat there and watched TV while she was still on the phone. I feel bad for kind of ruining poker night by being down and all, but last night I don't think she even really cared at all that I was being quiet, that she didn't really care that I wasn't flirting with her, which only made things worse.
It was like she didn't even notice, that is until on my way home after leaving she sent me a message asking if I was okay. For some reason I really hate when people try to be coy when they damn well know something. I made it pretty fucking obvious the whole night that I wasn't okay, so why the need to bullshit around and ask? At this point I really didn't care, so I told her that I thought I was okay, but I just had a lot of things on my mind. It was one of those messages that you sit there pretty much knowing what she's going to say in response, and all I was hoping for is that she'd at least ask what was on my mind, since it pretty much involved her, but this is what I got in response. "Okay sorry to ask again, but you just seemed so sad." This obviously isn't the response I was hoping for, to me it felt like she didn't even care what was on my mind at all.
I decided to give her one more shot when I replied, "To be honest I don't know how I really feel right now." Now if she didn't care to ask anything further about that, then I was going to say fuck it, but luckily she then at least asked why I felt this way. So I went on to tell her part of the problem, I didn't really fill her in on the half about Chris telling me how stupid the whole concept of her and I being together really was. There was one message where I sent to just to see if she'd at least say it back, I told her how much I liked her and I said that I needed to know how she felt. She replied that she felt the same way, which was honestly the first point of the day where I felt really happy. I told her that we needed to talk about it sometime soon, and she agreed so we'll see how that goes down.
As of right now, I still do want to make this work because I really am crazy about her, but I'm not going to put forth a whole lot of effort until she proves to me that she truly indeed does feel the same way, I want to hear her say it and I want to see her show it because trying to start a relationship with a woman that's pregnant with another man's child won't be an easy thing, and I just want to make sure that I really have met a girl worth the risk, worth it all.
"Never to suffer would never to have been blessed."
-Edgar Allan Poe-