(no subject)
I expected to come back to Evansville feeling miserable about everything. Like a condemned felon on the run. Honestly, I've never been happier then I am right now to be back to my life. I feel loved, I really do.
Going home to Indy is always so hard, leaving is even worse. As I sit here, I keep thinking I can hear the clanging of my Charlie's collar as she gets up to walk over, begging for me to pet her.
My mom acted like a huge ass today, I pretty sure it was one of the worst days of 2007. Really, I don't know why she thinks it would be better to deal with my departure with a bottle of Vodka in her stomach, then to face up to the situation. I don't care to hear her ramble about dad, and tell me how she wishes for him to see me now. I think if my mom stopped living in a diluted past, and focused more on the future and be thankful for what she does have, she would realize all is not lost. it's not my fault that her faith is lost, and it's not my responsibility to find it. I used to feel for mom, but now I only carry this feeling that it's her own fault. She put herself in this place, it had nothing to do with my grandma, my sister, her sisters, or my dad.
And I wish my mom didn't think less of me for not having a boyfriend. I truly believe she thinks I have some inoperable disease that prevents me from dating or hating men, or something. She kind of did admit to me over break that she's disappointed I wasn't having sex. Whatever explanation I offer only makes her worry more. Actually, why do I have to offer an explanation?!?
And I feel that my grandma has the beginnings of dementia. I don't know much about the disease, apparently it's common after a stroke. She only gets irrationally angry anymore, she didn't used to be like that.
In some ways, and I feel like a cruel individual for saying this, but I feel like the more miserable home gets, the more enthusiasm it gives me to go out there and do the things I want to do with my life. I always feel that when I return to Evansville, I have the guts to go right out there and be the person I am without hiding.
I've seen what being lonely is, and I don't want that when I get older.
I love my family, and I want nothing but everything to be fixed and in normal working order. But it won't happen. My little cousin is going to grow up in Georgia without my sister and I to introduce her to independent movies and music: to show her the world revolves around other things then what the general media (and her mom) shoves down her throat. She's going to grow up never knowing things like Monty Python, who Beck is, and how to let her creativity shine through writing. My other little cousins, I probably won't see them until they're in their twenties. And they probably won't give one fuck who I am and how awesome I am.
Emily- PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not let your life be carried on by a man. I liked Willy when I met him for those 10 seconds, he seems reasonable. And I'm not saying he's anything like dad, but take a close look at mom's life, and if that's something you don't want, then you need to guarantee that if something does happen to him and/or your relationship you have the means to carry on a successful life without him. YOU NEED TO GO SCHOOL. Maybe not this year, maybe not three years from now. But hopefully sometime after you hit 25, you realize your life isn't going to be as fulfilling as if you went to school. There are so many people out there that aren't as mean and manipulative as the family. In fact there are a lot of decent, and loving people. Hell, I'm about as socially stupid as a donkey, yet I've made loving friends down here that I know I can rely on for anything. I love you and I want you to know that are the funniest people I know. I also want you to know that if you put forth the will, you could be a very successful writer. You have a knack for it that I wish I possessed.
It's really sad that I feel like I must defend my reason for choosing this road in life. Sometimes I think really good, honest people give up their lives to help family. Sometimes, I feel so guilty for not helping out more at home. Like, I show up, take some money, and run back to Evansville. I really shouldn't have to defend myself. I'm not a terrible, I know it. I am just doing the best I can with this life I've been given.
Going home to Indy is always so hard, leaving is even worse. As I sit here, I keep thinking I can hear the clanging of my Charlie's collar as she gets up to walk over, begging for me to pet her.
My mom acted like a huge ass today, I pretty sure it was one of the worst days of 2007. Really, I don't know why she thinks it would be better to deal with my departure with a bottle of Vodka in her stomach, then to face up to the situation. I don't care to hear her ramble about dad, and tell me how she wishes for him to see me now. I think if my mom stopped living in a diluted past, and focused more on the future and be thankful for what she does have, she would realize all is not lost. it's not my fault that her faith is lost, and it's not my responsibility to find it. I used to feel for mom, but now I only carry this feeling that it's her own fault. She put herself in this place, it had nothing to do with my grandma, my sister, her sisters, or my dad.
And I wish my mom didn't think less of me for not having a boyfriend. I truly believe she thinks I have some inoperable disease that prevents me from dating or hating men, or something. She kind of did admit to me over break that she's disappointed I wasn't having sex. Whatever explanation I offer only makes her worry more. Actually, why do I have to offer an explanation?!?
And I feel that my grandma has the beginnings of dementia. I don't know much about the disease, apparently it's common after a stroke. She only gets irrationally angry anymore, she didn't used to be like that.
In some ways, and I feel like a cruel individual for saying this, but I feel like the more miserable home gets, the more enthusiasm it gives me to go out there and do the things I want to do with my life. I always feel that when I return to Evansville, I have the guts to go right out there and be the person I am without hiding.
I've seen what being lonely is, and I don't want that when I get older.
I love my family, and I want nothing but everything to be fixed and in normal working order. But it won't happen. My little cousin is going to grow up in Georgia without my sister and I to introduce her to independent movies and music: to show her the world revolves around other things then what the general media (and her mom) shoves down her throat. She's going to grow up never knowing things like Monty Python, who Beck is, and how to let her creativity shine through writing. My other little cousins, I probably won't see them until they're in their twenties. And they probably won't give one fuck who I am and how awesome I am.
Emily- PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not let your life be carried on by a man. I liked Willy when I met him for those 10 seconds, he seems reasonable. And I'm not saying he's anything like dad, but take a close look at mom's life, and if that's something you don't want, then you need to guarantee that if something does happen to him and/or your relationship you have the means to carry on a successful life without him. YOU NEED TO GO SCHOOL. Maybe not this year, maybe not three years from now. But hopefully sometime after you hit 25, you realize your life isn't going to be as fulfilling as if you went to school. There are so many people out there that aren't as mean and manipulative as the family. In fact there are a lot of decent, and loving people. Hell, I'm about as socially stupid as a donkey, yet I've made loving friends down here that I know I can rely on for anything. I love you and I want you to know that are the funniest people I know. I also want you to know that if you put forth the will, you could be a very successful writer. You have a knack for it that I wish I possessed.
It's really sad that I feel like I must defend my reason for choosing this road in life. Sometimes I think really good, honest people give up their lives to help family. Sometimes, I feel so guilty for not helping out more at home. Like, I show up, take some money, and run back to Evansville. I really shouldn't have to defend myself. I'm not a terrible, I know it. I am just doing the best I can with this life I've been given.