Nothing Like the Legend- Chapter 12: The Unexpected
Platinumgal: Have a nice break, Merlin? After the rage we got from the last chapter, I figured you’d need a rest,
Merlin: Well, I’m refreshed and ready to tear this Sue a new one, so let’s go!
Platinumgal: Excellent. But first, an amusing authors note!
A/N: Thank you guys so much for your fantastic reviews!
Platinumgal: I read those ‘Reviews’. Every single one of them (And at time of writing there are 181) was pretty much: ‘ZOMG This is so good! Jen iz teh awesome!’
Please keep them coming, I'd really appreciate it!
Merlin: It’s called ego-stroking, darling. It’s not helpful to you in the slightest.
Platinumgal: Don’t get me wrong, when I wrote fanfic, it was nice to get those kinds of reviews, but it wasn’t until I got a so-called ‘Flame’ that I realized what I was writing wasn’t very good.
Thanks to all from the bottom of my heart!
Platinumgal: Or the top of my heart...whichever is more important.
Merlin: When has anyone ever thought ‘to’ was a reasonable substitute for ‘you’?
Platinumgal: It's a bit archaic, but it's legitimate, to be fair.
Here is the next chapter. It is shorter than the others, but I decided that a cliff-hanger was in order,
Merlin: Oh great. Another cliffhanger.
so I stopped early. Enjoy!
Platinumgal: Don’t tell me what to enjoy!
Chapter 12: The Unexpected
Platinumgal: Nobody expects the Mary Sues!
It was the next morning by the time I had woken up.
Merlin: Your grasp of the English language is....astonishing.
Platinumgal: (Sue) And it was after dinner by the time I had eaten my dinner. Paging the department of redundancy department!
I was fully awake, but I had my eyes closed. Last night I had the weirdest dream! I was in Camelot with Arthur and Merlin and Lancelot. I laughed at my silliness. Time travel is impossible, Jen!
Merlin: Pass the bucket.
Platinumgal: That has got to be the most contrived attempt at humour I have ever read.
"What's so funny?" a soft, sweet voice asked. My eyes shot open and I sat up to see Guinevere sitting my breakfast tray on a table.
Platinumgal: (Sue) You. You still think you have a chance with Arthur!
She was wearing a yellow dress and was smiling brightly. I couldn't help but smile back.
Merlin: Run, Gwen! Don’t you become a sue lackey too!
Now I felt foolish for thinking that I dreamt my trip to Camelot up. Even I wasn't that creative,
Platinumgal: Uh, we agree.
although I did once have a dream that I was on a date with Connor Temple in the Canary Islands…
Platinumgal: Just call it a wet dream, love. We won’t judge.
Merlin: Who’s Connor Temple?
Platinumgal: This guy...
Merlin: Well, I’ll judge anyone who wears that kind of hat.
"I heard that the search didn't go very good."
Merlin: *Shakes fist* NOOOOOOOOO!
Platinumgal: Looks like we’re too late to save Gwen. Her grammar has been affected too!
Gwen commented when I didn't answer her first question.
"Thanks for the meal, but no, the trip didn't go very good.
Merlin: Well! It didn’t go very well!
We ran into some… road blocks."
Platinumgal: Gwen wouldn’t know what a road block is!
I said, not daring to mention Lancelot.
Merlin: So...you’re saying Lancelot was a road block?
Platinumgal: Fuck that!
Looking around my room I saw a sword on my table. "What's that doing in here?" I asked while scratching my messy hair.
Platinumgal: (Sue) Duuuuuuuuuurrr
Merlin: Eww! She’s got nits!
"Oh, Arthur wanted me to tell you to meet him in down at his usual training place today at noon." Gwen told me. "When I asked why he just said that he though
Merlin: THOUGHT!
your swordsmanship needed work.
Platinumgal: Oh great. I think I know exactly what’s coming.
He must really care for you."
Platinumgal: Wow. How did you get from that part of the conversation, to that part of the conversation?
Merlin: I love how she takes every opportunity to shoehorn stuff like that in. Actually, no, I hate it.
She smiled at me and winked.
Merlin: Gwen...doesn’t...wink.
"Good luck." The future queen
Merlin: Liar.
walked out of the room and I laid back and buried my face in my pillow.
I can't believe I'm flirting with her future husband and future king of Camelot!
Platinumgal: How can a 15 year old girl have such a weak grasp on tenses! IT’S NOT THAT DAMN HARD!
Goodness, my parents didn't want me to date anyone who was more than a year older than me and here I am, in Camelot, falling in love with a man who's about two thousand years older than me!
Platinumgal: I really hate those jokes in time-travel stories. I hated it in Prince Caspian, I hated it in Back to the Frollo and I really hate it here!
Merlin: And anyway, as we’ve assumed that she’s around 15 or so, and he’s 21, there is a genuinely disconcerting age gap.
What am I thinking? That's just it; I'm not.
Merlin: *Raises eyebrows*
I took a glance at the big clock on the outside of my room window. It was almost noon, so I got moving. I slipped on some pants and my tank-top. I had a feeling that I was going to be getting hot so I also pulled my hair up,
Platinumgal: Um, you’re not going to the gym, dear.
grabbed a bite of bread
Merlin:....What.
and walked out the door with the sword in hand. This was going to be interesting. I was getting sword training from King Arthur himself. How many people- that are alive- can say that?
Platinumgal: I’m sure Arthur likes to get his ‘Sword’ out and wave it around...
When I got to his training field, I heard yelling. My heart raced.
"I can't believe you kept that from me!" Arthur yelled.
Merlin: Oh my god! Conflict! Yay!
"I'm sorry, but you looked mad. It wasn't exactly the best time to say anything." Merlin defended.
Platinumgal: Uh...
"I told you different things that I would never tell anyone else. How could you keep this big secret from me?" the prince shot again.
Merlin: Didn’t we resolve this? Suethor, if you’re going to resolve stuff really quickly, you can’t keep bringing it back up for cheap drama.
I decided I should probably step in before a guard heard their little quarrel.
Merlin: *Splutters* Little! Little!
"Hey, hey, hey, what's all this about?"
Platinumgal: What do you think it’s about, you daft bint?
I asked swinging the sword around. They stopped instantly to face me, looking ashamed. "I thought we were over the whole 'my friend's a warlock' deal." I said still walking closer. "Now are we going to practice or what?"
Platinumgal: I think that speaks for itself. In fact it’s a pretty good microcosm of the fic itself: Something interesting might happen, Jen sorts it out.
Arthur smiled a perfect, beautiful smile and nodded.
Merlin: *headdesk*
He grabbed his sword without even a look at Merlin who was standing over to the side, watching.
(A/N: I'm sorry for the train wreck that's about to happen. I don't know anything about sword fighting.)
Merlin: Well I didn’t write that? Did you?
Platimungal: Nope. The suethor evidently decided that it’s good form to interrupt your story with an Author’s note. The last time I saw that, I was reading My Immortal...
Merlin: Hey Suethor, if you’re that sure that you can’t write fight scenes, maybe you should not write them?
I held the weapon tightly in my hands, not wanting to make the first move. Arthur circled me, examining me, looking for a weakness. I glance at Merlin. "Help me" I mouthed. He chuckled and shook his head.
"What are you waiting for?" Arthur laughed. "Come at me!"
Platinumgal: Ohh, she’ll be doing plenty of that...
he ordered holding his arms out.
"I could do that only too easily."
Platinumgal: Oh God. I’m sorry.
I breathed too low for him to hear, but Merlin heard and cracked up. "Shut up, Merlin." I said blushing. This only made him laugh harder.
Merlin: That’s Arthur’s line!
Finally, I gave in and swung the sword towards him. The attack was blocked by his blade that immediately swung upright to catch my blade. Our swords were making an X shape inches from our faces. It was that scene that you always see in the movies where your eyes meet and you're paralyzed for seconds before the guy always breaks you out of the trance.
Merlin: Wow.
Platinumgal: That. Was. HILARIOUS!
Merlin: *is laughing too hard to comment*
"Not bad." He coughed. I smiled and we began walking in a circle, pondering over who was going to do what and when. This time he took a strike, but it was with little force. I easily blocked it, but it was too easy. I was so nervous, though, so I was glad he wasn't going full force on me.
Platinumgal: So Merlin, what do you fancy doing after this chapter is done?
Merlin: Well, I was going to read a book. Do you have something in mind?
I tensed on the next swing and hesitated. Arthur noticed and stopped. "Are you alright?" he asked.
"Yeah, just a bit edgy, that's all." I admitted. From the corner of my eye I saw Merlin walk over.
Platinumgal: Well I’m going to see Snow White and the Huntsman, mostly so I can laugh at Kristen Stewart trying to act.
Merlin: Oh I saw that last week. It’s OK. Mirror Mirror was funnier. But Lily Collins can’t act either.
"Here," the warlock said holding his hand out, reaching for my sword. I gave it to him and he turned his back. I heard him muttering a few words. When he gave it back to me he was smiling.
Platinumgal: Really? Guess that the Mortal Instruments movie is going to suck then.
Merlin: It was always going to suck. Because Mortal Instruments sucks.
Platinumgal: The first one wasn’t horrible but the rest are terrible. Did I tell you I did a recap of the second book's prologue?
"What did you do to it?" Arthur asked skeptically, no humor was in his voice. Either he was really serious when it came to swords or he was still mad. "You can't just use… you know… whenever you want!" he hissed.
Merlin: No you didn’t! When did you do that?
Platinumgal: Oh, ages ago. It was for ZeldaQueen’s group sporking. It’s not been posted yet though.
"Magic isn't a naughty word, Arthur. Yes it is, in this universe." I teased. Merlin whispered something into Arthur's ear and the prince smiled.
Merlin: It’ll be interesting to see how you do when you spork on your own!
Platinumgal: Oh look, the fic is still going. I think you just used magic in broad daylight.
Merlin: Fascinating.
"You're smarter than you look." He complimented, at least, I think it was a compliment. Arthur turned back to me and pointed to my sword. "I think you might find that you will be better, now." I tilted my head in curiosity. He just smiled and gestured for me to continue fighting.
Merlin: Remember, children. When all else fails, cheat!
I had a fraction of a second to wonder what possibly Merlin could have done to my sword before Arthur swung at me, fast and hard. My instincts and the will to survive kicked in. My weapon blocked his shot with great force. I swung around to strike, but that was blocked by Arthur. He swung low and I jumped to avoid the blade. His techniques were getting more and more complicated and harder to avoid.
Platinumgal: (Arthur) *reading a book* Oh. Are you still going?
At last, I had met my match and he knocked my sword out of my and. It fell to the ground three feet away.
Merlin: Er, is there supposed to be a full stop there?
"Dang!" I exclaimed. Looking at Merlin I said, "That was a good spell. It felt amazing!" I was smiling at the warlock when both the boys started to laugh.
"Jen," Arthur started. "That was all you."
Platinumgal: Well shit. I knew this was going to happen.
"I didn't put any spell on you or the sword." Merlin admitted. "I made you think I did so that you would think that it would help you, and it did, only without the assistance of magic." Merlin paused. "If that made sense," He was still wearing a beaming smile. I couldn't help but smile back.
Platinumgal: Drink it in, folks. Drink it in. *rubs hands together*
Firstly, that was already done better in Half Blood Prince.
Secondly, have you ever tried to lift a sword? They are really heavy! You need to have a lot of training to even hope to use one properly. But of course, the Sue manages to be good at it on the first go.
Merlin: Credit where it’s due, at least she didn’t beat Arthur, because that would have made me explode.
"Well, thanks anyway." I wasn't going to get mad. It was too early to be mad, especially at Merlin.
Merlin: So wait, that’s the only reason why she’s not mad?
Arthur walked over to my side. That's when I remembered something. "So, where's Lancelot?"
"He's helping Gaius with a remedy or something." Merlin said looking at the castle.
"It's a shame." Arthur murmured. "He should be out here training. He's a good knight."
Platinumgal: Uh, he’s not a knight yet. Lancelot wasn’t knighted until the season 3 finale. There was an entire episode devoted to him quite clearly not being allowed to be a knight.
My mouth fell open. If only he knew what he was saying…?
Merlin: Fuck you, bitch.
"Ha!" I laughed. They looked at me curiously. "Sorry," I whispered. "You know, I think we should-"
Merlin: Why is she whispering?
I was interrupted by two dark figures on the edge of the forest, dressed in dark cloaks.
Platinumgal: (Suethor) HEY GUYS DO YOU THINK I’M BEING A BIT TOO SUBTLE? WELL THESE GUYS ARE DARK AND EVIL OK?
They were barely noticeable, but even in the darkness, they looked threatening.
Platinumgal: (Suethor) I MEAN, I WOULDN’T WANT ANYONE TO MISS THAT THESE GUYS ARE EVIL RIGHT? BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE BAD AND MAKE ME SAD.
Merlin and Arthur stared in the direction that had caught my attention. By the look on their faces, they could see the ominous figures, too.
Platinumgal: (Suethor) *Ticks off ‘Ominous’ on list of evil sounding adjectives*
The tallest one of the two gestured for all three of us to walk over to them. Slowly, we made our way to the dark and shady area.
Merlin: How stupid can you get?
Platinumgal: (Druids) Oh hi, we are blatantly evil but could you come over here, please?
Arthur had his sword held tightly in his hand, readying himself for anything. Merlin was close at his heal
Merlin: Typos are one thing, but this is ridiculous.
while I kept my sword in both my hands so that I don't drop it.
Platinumgal: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK SUETHOR?! HOW HARD IS IT TO STAY IN ONE TENSE!?!
Finally, after what seemed like a mile walk, we made it to the figures. I tried to show some courage, but it was hard.
Platinumgal: As was Arthur's....
Merlin: NO.
Up close it became clear that both of them were druids. I gulped.
Platinumgal: Say it with me Merlin.
Both: The druids are not evil. They never have been evil. They never will be evil. It is made very clear in the show that characters who treat them as evil are close-minded. This means you are being close-minded.
"What do you want?" Arthur spoke up.
The shorter one smiled. "Simple, we want Jennifer to come back with us."
Merlin: (Shorty) See, we’ve got these train tracks, and we really want to break them in....
Arthur and Merlin shot me a look.
"No," the prince and warlock said simultaneously. Arthur held his sword up higher.
Platinumgal: (Arthur) This isn’t suggestive is it?
"You don't really think that you can beat us with a sword, do you?"
Merlin: STAB THEM ALREADY!
the short one laughed. Arthur glanced at Merlin and the warlock nodded. The druids laughed.
"Emrys, surely you can understand our purpose." The tall one said. Merlin shook his head.
"No, I can't." He said sternly. "You aren't going to get Jen."
"What do you want with me?" I asked suddenly, thankful that Mordred wasn't here.
"I think you already know." The short one said. My eyes narrowed.
Arthur pushed himself forward so that he was between the druid and me. "You aren't getting her." He said nodding at Merlin. The warlock raised his hand slightly. The druids simply laughed again.
Merlin: There are other words for ‘Laugh’ you know.
"Now you don't really want to expose Emrys to your kingdom, do you? You're father would kill him in an instant." He said with malice in his voice. Arthur lowered his head. "You probably haven't told your father only because you're going to use the boy until he snaps."
Merlin: Don’t. Say. Anything. Plat.
He shot to the prince.
Merlin got beyond furious, and you don't want to mess with the most powerful warlock ever. "Peragere ad homi-"
Platinumgal: OK, I did some checking, and it turns out the Suethor has been using Latin for her spells (the above apparently says ‘Kill The Humans’ which is hilarious). Still stupid though. Because the spells used in the show are clearly not latin.
he stared, but Arthur grabbed his wrist and lowered his arm, shaking his head. Merlin nodded and I smiled at him.
"Someone could see you, Merlin." Arthur whispered.
Merlin: (Himself) Well seeing as we are very far away from anyone else, and that even if someone saw something they wouldn’t be close enough to know for sure, plus it would be the prince’s word against some random passerby, sooooo...
"But," he protested, but dropped the argument.
Platinumgal: I like to think that you’re fighting against the Sue’s influence and hoping she dies. Because you were in a similar situation before and had no issue using your magic.
"You aren't going to get her, is that clear?" Arthur asked, putting on his prince façade.
Suddenly, one of the druids grabbed me. When Arthur was about to strike him where he was standing, the sorcerer showed him the knife that he had at my side, poking through my thin shirt. "You either let her go and she will be returned safely, or come any closer and she dies!" he warned.
Platinumgal: The cliché! It buuuuuurns!
Fear seeped into the prince's eyes as he stood frozen. "I'll be fine." I said in a quivering voice.
"Jen, I can't let you…" he said taking exactly one step closer.
The druid jabbed the knife into my ribs, twisting it back and forth. The pain was so intense, but I tried not to scream for Merlin and Arthur's sake.
Merlin: YOU HAVE BEEN STABBED! YOU ARE IN A LOT OF PAIN! YOU WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO RESIST SCREAMING!
I watched as all the blood drained from Arthur's face and how Merlin fell to his knees. The scene in front of me was getting dimmer by the second, but I had to hold on.
"I warned you not to come any closer." The druid that had hold of my limp body said with an evil grin. I saw was a single tear trickling down Arthur's pale face,
Merlin: *bursts out laughing*
Platinumgal: A reader laughing at what is intended as a serious scene is not a good thing Suethor!
yelling desperately for me to hold on, but I couldn't hear him. I could only see his mouth moving without any sound coming out.
Merlin: Well that’s not been done a million times before.
Arthur was about to attack the druid but Merlin held him back, knowing a sword just wouldn't be enough to go up against magic with. I saw the prince shut his eyes before I was sucked down into the deep, dark depths to face Death himself.
MARY SUE, AGED 15? IT’S A PLEASURE FOR YOU TO DIE TODAY
A/N: Oh, please tell me how it was and what you thought! I love reviews; they are what make the world go round!
Merlin: Oh, well I think it was a big steaming pile of shit. But you don’t want to hear that do you?
Back to...Chapter 11
Onwards to... Chapter 13