Life as I know it.
I've been having a really hard time with things for the last few weeks. The one thing I'm thankful for right now is awesome friends who are around to help. I've bonded very closely with Erin Brown-Wilson and she convinced me to join a monday afternoon youth art mentor ship. It's been really fun, a really good break from my norm, even if the kid I got is bitchy haha. Erin and I have been hanging out at least once, if not more, times a week. It's nice and refreshing to have someone to lean on through tough times, someone to bitch too, and someone to console while she bitches. All in all I think it's nice to finally meet a good friend of Charles's that is actually worth the time and effort to befriend myself. We did go through a rough patch when we first met, but that was due to our equal shyness. Once that was overcome there has been nothing to hold us back.
As for life in general. I am at a point where I know exactly what I want, but for the life of me, I can not obtain it. This has been very hard for me, as I'm used to things being relatively easy to obtain. I think this is due to the fact that I am good at a lot of things, which qualifies me for things I want. I have to work just as hard as most people to get what I want, but now days it seems like I'm just not good enough for anything. This has brought on a challenge of it's own. In my eyes it's more of a demon then a challenge, but you can call it what you want. I like to call it Depression. I'm learning more and more that I am, in fact, good at a ton of things, but I don't really excel in any one thing. This is hard to cope with as I'm not sure what direction I should go in. I would really like to go to school and do something with my life, but I have no idea what direction I should face or what I should do. This is extremely depressing and hard to deal with.
On top of all of this is the fact that I want, with every will I have left in me at the end of the day, to move the fuck out of this house. This of course poses more problems then solutions. Which in turn piles more depression on top of an already huge pile. If it weren't for the fact that anti-depressants suck huge amounts of balls, I would probably go to the doctor and get some haha. I am in a rut right now and it's becoming increasingly difficult to deal with. I am lucky that I have good friends to help me through this.
Thursday Erin and I are going to have a crafting/sewing sleep over. I'm really hoping that this will help with my stupid fucking depression. I really don't like that metallic edge of fear, and sadness, which makes me want to ball my eyes out 24 hours a day, hanging over my head. It's hard to do anything, and most of all be motivated to do the things I need to do to move forward and make my wants become reality. I'm sure you all, as I, see the slippery slope of a craptastic circle in that.
End depressing, retarded, sad, angry, rant of nothingness.
Enjoi!!