What I think.
I'll start this by saying that I usually don't make comments in my LJ about ongoing 'issues' involving my friends or aquaintances. My lack of social filters combined with the written format has the strong potential to blow up in my face. I'm not at all saying that commenting on these things is bad- in other words, I am making no value judgements on how people choose to use their little piece of online heaven.
Last year was an emotionally taxing year for me. I don't need to go into details- most of you already know the situation, so it'll just take up valuable space. It factors into this for two reasons: I have felt muzzled and unable to express my thoughts and feelings in a logical, truthful way for a long time now. Secondly, Nero seems to be making a comeback into people's lives and all over I hear people talking/writing about it.. and Nero was both a mitigating and contributing factor to my negative emotional state last year.
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I had a moment this past weekend, on the surface totally unrelated to Nero. For those of you that know of what I speak ( and everyone else, too- I'm totally cutting this down to it's most basic parts; I am also quite aware that this is coloured by my own perceptions and biases.. but this is what I perceived. ) I had occasion to be in a place, surrounded by people I barely knew, and they were speaking of such slanderous, hypocritical things that my skin tingled and my tongue ached. I knew the subject of their discussions even less than I knew them, no matter how the situation resolved itself, it would have little impact on me personally. But these people were using- abusing- their 'authority', making decisions that benefitted themselves and then obfuscating their motives, securing them in a mantle of their own self-superiority. It went on, and on, until finally I couldn't take it anymore. I was afraid to speak out. My palms itched, prickling with sweat. I was angry at them, I was angry at myself for not speaking out. I was nervous, and I raised my hand and I felt the muzzle loosening. I spoke in righteous ( or self righteous, heh ) indignation. It wasn't the most eloquent I've been. It wasn't the most succinct comment I've ever made. But I felt something inside me snap, something give way. I felt a pride in myself thats been sorely lacking for a long time. I felt centered. In standing up for what I perceived to be the 'wronged party' I was standing up for myself, as well.
Thus, we come to this. Unmuzzled and with a certain amount of trepidation, speaking my mind. There is no intention here to hurt anyone. Really in the end, this is an exercise in self-indulgence.
I have been reading and hearing a whole lot lately, on the subject of Nero. People's statements about 'whats wrong with it' or 'how this is the only and proper way to fix it', how 'this person is to blame'. Well, the person to blame is me- and anyone else who's held a position. The thing thats 'wrong', is us. The people involved with Nero are constantly involved in this petty, sad test of wills and struggle for control. Making Nero 'go' is an exercise in listening to everyone's opinion about 'how much more they know' or 'how so and so sucks' My personal favourite is listening to the mockery of those who hold themselves above such pettiness. Some of the most caustic and hurtful rantings have come from just those people.
I have felt powerless in my position as GM. I have felt at varying times caught between factions, patronized, and totally ignored. I have felt petty, for being genuinely hurt by people's actions. I have been accused of ( and at times have even felt like it ) being a martyr. Of being self-important. At times, I am sure I have been. I have lost my temper, I have argued with my husband, and I have cried myself to sleep over this bullshit. Am I proud of these feelings and behaviors? No. But I refuse to be ashamed anymore and I could give a flying fuck on how admitting this makes me 'look'. In staying silent because I didn't want to poke dragons or hurt people's feelings who do not deserve to be hurt ( and no one does ) I have cannibalized and poisoned myself. I continued to place myself in situations where I -felt- at a disadvantage, because I felt stupid for feeling like that, and because I really thought ( think? still? damned if I know ) that it would all work out, and Nero would be wonderful and good and fun, and I could make it better for everyone. I strongly suspect that is why most, if not all people get involved.
So we come back to the reasons it sucks. I will posit that one of the reasons Nero can suck is because some people ( at least subconsciously ) want it to. Some people want to be the hero/savior of the game, so like a certain kind of arsonist, they will set fires, so they can be the one to put them out. They will complain, attempt to affect good changes.. but on their terms. One thing that I, personally have done is engaged in that control struggle. The people who gave me this position have a certain way of doing things- and whether I agree with them or not, by accepting this position, I was accepting the responsibility to work with them, not against them. At times, I have worked against them, not out of malice, but out of a desire to do what I thought was right.. in my own way. This is no way to run a game, or a business, or a life. On the outside, everyone appears to have their own agenda, but really, I think it is a function of individuals wanting to do what they think is right. So it's a whole lot of working at cross-purposes.
A whole lot of work didn't get done this winter, like it was 'supposed' to. We lost the site, which is absolutely no one's fault but the site owners. This lead to a certain upwelling of fatalism, ( the famed 'the sky is falling and nero is done!' ) which in turn lead to no one ( including myself, but perhaps for different reasons ) doing much of anything. I would like to make it clear that I am not judging people for not doing Nero stuff over the winter. It was a long year, breaks we called for. There is school work, and other facets of life. Don't get your knickers in a knot, I'm not insulting you, I'm simply stating some of the reasons stuff didn't get done. The consequences for it not getting done are that .. well.. it's not done. It will negatively impact things on several different levels. It's more work for the people who want to continue to tough it out, short deadline, developing background material that should have been done -years- ago. It's also another chance to blame.
I am left with a decision to make, one which a sane person would perhaps have made long ago. Do I continue on as GM? To I continue trying to make a go of it. Do I even continue to play? I lean toward not.. yet I miss having fun with Nero. I miss being happy with it, looking forward to it. I just don't know if it's too late to regain that feeling again. I want to.
Backlash. I am sure I will get some, whether or not its to my face. I am slightly nervous about it. I am sure there are people who will believe this is directed at them specifically. It's not directed at anyone specifically; if you feel that this is directed at you, ask me privately. None of this is about slander, or 'getting back' at people. It's about me not supressing my feelings and emotions anymore. It's about me returning to honesty with myself and others, and speaking up when I feel something is wrong.