Fanfic 100. "Black" and "Friends" by planetkiller, G & PG-13, Discworld, Discworld/SGA
Location scouting went fairly well, but in an attempt to start writing what I want to write again, I decided to power through two of my fanfic100 prompts.
Title: Black
Fandom: Discworld
Rating: G
Pairing: Ponder/Adrian Turnipseed
Warnings: Nothing much happens.
Summary: After a night out drinking, Ponder Stibbons awakens on Death's doorstep.
Notes: Written for fanfic100 prompt 018. Black.
Ponder Stibbons opened his eyes to complete blackness.
He closed his eyes and opened them again. There was no difference. Ponder stared up at what was presumably the ceiling and tried to remember what he had done last night.
The memories hit him in a flash.
The giddy rush of discovery when the High Energy Magic Dept. finally found exclusive proof of the existence of the Disc followed by drinks at the Mended Drum and Ponder's drunken confession of love to Adrian Turnipseed.
Ponder groaned and closed his eyes. Realising that made no difference, he rolled over. The grass tickled his nose, and Ponder sneezed.
"Grass?" he asked. Last time, he'd been in there his room didn't have grass in it. It had been a while since he'd been in there, but he was fairly certain that wasn't possible.
Ponder opened his eyes. That was definitely grass. It was a slightly green shade of black. Ponder hadn't seen grass in a few years, but he didn't think it was supposed to be that colour. He levered himself up and looked around.
Everything was in various shades of black.
The cloudless sky was a sort of blue tint of black, the flowers were purple or pink shades of black, and the house was a black black. Ponder jerked into a sitting position. There was a house.
He climbed to his feet, tripping on his robes only once. He headed off toward the big house.
The door was huge and made of heavy brownish black oak. The heavy iron knocker was an iron ring held by a skeletal hand. Ponder timidly raised his hand and grasped the ring. The door swung open before he could raise the knocker.
Ponder stepped into the giant front hallway. The measured ticks of the large grandfather clock filled the air. Ponder looked up at the ceiling; he couldn't see it.
"Oh my stars," Ponder said in awe. He walked a bit further into the building before selecting an incredibly long hallway and heading down it. About an hour later, Ponder came to another huge door. Starving and on the verge of dehydration, he collapsed against it. The door swung open.
WHERE DID YOU COME FROM? said a voice like empty graves from above Ponder's head.
"I don't know," Ponder said without raising his head from the navy blue-black carpet. "I woke up outside. Why is everything black?"
BECAUSE YOU ARE STARING AT THE CARPET.
"Not what I meant," Ponder said, raising his head. "Oh my--" A skeleton in black robes towered above him. "I'm dead."
ACTUALLY-- Death reached into his robes and pulled out an hourglass. The top was covered in clockwork gears and the sand inside was mixed with a octarine light that swirled around the falling grains. He tapped the hourglass before looking down at Ponder. YOU ARE NOT DEAD YET.
"Oh." Ponder lurched to his feet. By wizarding standards, he was fairly tall, but the anthropomorphic personification made him feel like a dwarf. "Um. How did I get here?"
I DO NOT KNOW, Death replied, placing the hourglass back into his robes. The two stared at each other in silence.
Ponder's stomach rumbled.
"Um. Is there a kitchen?"
FOLLOW ME.
The trip to the kitchen only took 15 minutes. There was a grumpy old man that reminded Ponder of a statue he'd seen somewhere. He gave Ponder a big bowl of fried porridge and wandered off, cats following behind. Death had stalked off to the library to try to figure out how Ponder had gotten there. He sat in the black room, surrounded by black pots and pans and stared at the black floor.
Finally, he got tired of waiting for Death to return and wandered off to find him.
Ponder was lost.
Everything in Death's House was black: the walls, the carpet, even the light was black. And he could hear the grandfather clock everywhere he went. It was when he turned the corner to see another hallway stretching off into infinity that the walls started closing in on him.
Death found Ponder ten minutes later, sitting in a dead end and rocking back-and-forth.
UM, Death said eloquently.
"Stay out of the middle of the hallways or Prof. Poons will run you over," Ponder responded.
WHO IS PROFESSOR POONS?
"Room 4B isn't on the map. If you can't find it, you're not cut out to be a wizard," Ponder replied, rocking back-and-forth.
YOU ARE A WIZARD, Death replied.
Ponder looked up at him. "Am I dead?"
I TOLD YOU BEFORE, NO.
"Oh dear." Ponder pulled himself to his feet. "I'm sorry about that. I got lost and... it reminded me of first starting school," he finished sheepishly. Death stalked off down the hall and Ponder followed after. The silence stretched to an uncomfortable point.
I TAKE IT YOU FOUND ROOM 4B, Death said awkwardly.
"What? Oh, no," Ponder said. "Room 4B doesn't actually exist. The professors put it on the schedule so that the Archchancellor thinks they're actually working."
AH, Death replied.
"So, uh," Ponder said in the midst of the awkward silence that followed. "Did you ever figure out how I got here?"
QUANTUM.
They made the rest of the trip in silence, Ponder trying to figure out what quantum had to do with anything. Death swung open the door to his House and Ponder stepped through into his room in the High Energy Magic Building. He spun around. The door behind him was the plain wooden door that had always been there.
Ponder opened it and stepped out into Hex's room. The students were incredibly quiet and most of them were wearing smoked glasses and drinking large cups of coffee. Everything looked normal.
Adrian was sitting on the bench in front of Hex. Occasionally, he'd hit a button on the giant panel and write down what Hex scribbled. Ponder made his way over.
"Adrian, um...hi," he said. The other man turned around and looked up at the professor.
"Hi, Ponder." He turned back to the board and kept pressing buttons. "I'm just doing Hex's monthly diagnosis."
"Oh, um, good. That's--that's good."
Adrian slid over. "Sit down."
"Thanks." Ponder sat down.
"I got new sheets for my bed," Adrian said apropos of nothing. He pushed his cup over so Ponder could grab it.
"Well, that's...that's nice, Adrian." Ponder took the cup and raised it to his lips.
"Black satin." Ponder spit coffee across the board. Adrian kept on as if nothing had happened. "Want to see?"
Title: Friends
Fandom: Discworld/Stargate: Atlantis crossover
Rating: PG-13 for language
Pairing: hints at several, but nothing concrete.
Warnings: Nothing much happens.
Summary: Cpl. LeBeau's college friends visit his new posting.
Notes: Written for fanfic100 prompt 021. Friends. Sequel to Choosing Roommates. No knowledge of it or the "Master Plan" series (where Beau originated) is needed.
Cpl. Peter LeBeau was walking through the Gatrium when the unauthorised off-world activation alarm went off. He grabbed a P-90 and joined the ready room team in front of the 'Gate.
"I'm lowering the shield," Sgt. Chuck Campbell called from his desk. Beau clicked the safety off and readied himself in case the Wraith were coming through.
Three men--one in a pointy hat, all wearing dresses--walked through the 'Gate.
"Merde!" Beau cursed before yelling, "Hold your fire!" He straightened up and took a few steps forward. "What are you guys doing here?"
"Beau!" the one in a hat shouted. "I thought you went back to Genua!"
"Not exactly," he said. "What are you guys doing here?"
"Ponder managed to get into Time's Trousers!" the short man with glasses said excitedly. Beau turned that over in his head a few times.
"Say what?" he asked.
"What are you wearing?" the man in the hat asked.
"I could ask you the same thing. That's a professor's hat. Since when are you a professor?"
"Since I graduated. Since when are you in the Watch?" the man responded.
"Army. I'm morale officer here," Beau replied. "The magic helps a bit."
"I can imagine," the third man said.
"BEAU!" Beau turned to see Col. John Sheppard bounding up into the Gatrium.
Beau snapped to attention. "Sir!"
"What's going on, corporal?"
"Um...a couple of friends from college decided to visit?"
"Friends from college?" Sheppard said, quirking an eyebrow. "On Atlantis?"
"Yes, sir."
"What's Atlantis?" the short man asked.
"Leshp," Beau responded without turning.
"I TOLD YOU!" he yelled at the third man.
Beau began cursing in French. "I'm so sorry, sir," he told Sheppard.
"Beau, you're friends have names?" the colonel asked.
"Prof. Ponder Stibbons, Head of Inadvisably Applied Magic and Reader in Invisible Writings," the man in the hat responded. He pointed at the man with glasses. "This is Xenophilius Lovegood. And this is Adrian Turnipseed."
"U.U. doesn't have an Inadvisably Applied Magic Department!" Beau said, turning to Ponder.
"It's new and it's actually called the High Energy Magic Department," Ponder snapped.
"Wait..." Beau translated Disc into Lantean. "Nuclear physics? Cool! I take it you guys got the computer working then."
"Computer?" Turnipseed asked.
"The thinking machine."
"Hex is operational," Lovegood said with a dreamy grin.
"That is fantastic!" Beau frowned suddenly. "Where's Victor and Noddy and Secret?"
"Noddy flunked out," Turnipseed said sadly.
"Oh no! What Guild did he end up in?"
"The Undead Association," the man replied. "His necromancy final didn't go quite as planned."
"That sucks donkey balls," Beau replied. Sheppard smacked him on the back of a head. "I just found out one of my old friends is a zombie, sir! I think that warrants cursing."
"Secret's studying voodoo in Genua," Turnipseed said before an argument could break out. "They're a bit better prepared to handle his Incidents. And Victor quit and got married."
"To whom?" Beau asked.
"Some girl he met when he was doing clicks," Ponder replied.
"Clicks?" Sheppard asked.
"Movies," Beau supplied. Sheppard gave him a look. "You'd be surprised how often I have to translate Earthling into Discian and vice versa."
"Discian?"
"I'm from Genua on the Disc," said Beau. "It's like our version of New Orleans. It's, uh, a bit different from here."
"You're an alien?" Sheppard asked.
"I'm a human," Beau responded.
"You're a wizard," Ponder, Lovegood, and Turnipseed said together.
"Wizards are humans and I didn't graduate, remember?"
"Oh my gods!" Lovegood burst out. "This is what you meant by 'Old Swotty wasn't as stupid as we thought!' You figured your way into Time's Trousers first!"
"Hey, Xeno! Why don't you go out to the North Pier and see if you can find a squark?" Beau snapped. He turned back to Sheppard. "I am in fact a student wizard from another dimension."
"My morale officer is a wizard from an alternate dimension?" Sheppard asked.
"Yes, sir."
"Are you going to try to kill us all or take over the galaxy or something?"
"Not planning on it, sir."
"Cool," Sheppard replied. "How are your friends getting home?"
"Same way they got here, sir," Beau replied. Ponder starting looking at everywhere except Beau.
"We don't know how we got here," Lovegood supplied.
"Our lady, you guys just blundered through the dimensions? You're lucky you didn't end up in one of the Dungeon ones!" Beau pulled his cap off long enough to run a hand through his hair. "I'm just going to have to send you back then."
"Like you understand how to move through dimensions," Ponder said.
"Yeah, it's not like I used an Omniscope to investigate several dimensions, made a list of pros and cons, made a choice about which dimension to head to, packed up all my stuff, said goodbye to my friends, and left to go to that dimension," Beau replied.
"Oh my stars!"
Beau rolled his eyes at his friend.
"Corporal, give your friends the tour, have lunch, and then send them home," Sheppard said. "Don't take them anywhere they shouldn't be and don't let them touch anything."
"Yes, sir." Beau saluted as Sheppard ambled off. "You heard that, Ponder? Don't touch anything."
The tour went well until they reached Dr. Rodney McKay's lab.
"Oh my G-d, you can't possibly be that stupid!"
"Which one was that?" Turnipseed asked from where he, Beau, and Dr. Radek Zelenka were drinking Zelenka's homemade vodka.
"He said 'G-d so it was McKay," Beau replied.
"Oh my stars, this is sheer lunacy. It isn't possible!"
"That was Ponder."
"Where'd Xeno go?" Turnipseed asked as he passed the bottle to Beau.
"He and Kavanagh went to go talk about conspiracy theories. Or have gay sex. I am unsure about some of the Americans' slang," Zelenka supplied.
"Madame," Beau moaned. "I could've done without that image in my head."
"Hack!"
"Idiot!"
"They don't sound like they're going to stop any time soon," Zelenka noted.
"Hey, Beau. Do you still do the Lady worship in this galaxy?" Turnipseed asked.
"We don't worship her. I mean, you don't worship tables do you?" Beau asked. "I mean, you can't believe in what you know exists. Wait." He cocked his to the side. "Do you mean the Lady or Notre Dame de la Mer?"
"I don't even know," Turnipseed replied. "What's the difference?"
"The Lady is the anthropomorphic personification of luck. Or the goddess of it. Or something. I dunno," Beau said, taking a shot before passing the bottle. "Notre Dame is a living, breathing human whose job is to save us from ourselves." He made grabby hands at the bottle and Zelenka popped his hand before passing it to Turnipseed. "We respect the Lady, but we don't worship her. She wouldn't appreciate it and Genuans don't believe in gods anyway. Well, the voodoo ladies do, but they create their gods so that makes it okay."
He looked up at the other two.
"What was I talking about?"
"Neuter dame della meow," Turnipseed replied.
"Notre Dame! We believe in her," Beau replied. "She might not do her job so we have to believe in her. She's like seven or something anyway."
"You have stopped making sense," Zelenka told him.
"It never made sense. That's how you know it's Genuan!"
A crash sounded behind them.
"Are they throwing ADs at each other?" Beau asked.
"ADs?"
"Ancient Doodads, Adrian," Zelenka replied. "Sometimes, we call them ATs."
"Ancient...Thingies?"
"Exactly!" Zelenka and Beau said together.
"Let's blow this Klatchian stand," said Beau after another drink.
"Lunch?" Zelenka asked.
"Yes," Turnipseed said, struggling to his feet.
"Rodney!" called Zelenka. "We are going to eat. Is Jell-o Day."
"What are we waiting for?" McKay replied.
After they started telling stories, McKay and Ponder turned out to get on very well.
"And then, the Archchancellor put his coffee cup on the board!" Ponder said.
"That's nothing," McKay responded. "One time, the colonel used an anti-gravity circuit as a hoverboard so he could skateboard through the city."
"Oh my stars! How could anyone be so stupid?"
"That movie wasn't even that good!" McKay continued.
At the other end of the table, Zelenka, Turnipseed, and Beau were sharing their own stories.
"And then it ate our pants!" Beau announced. "I had to give David my jacket so he could wear it as a skirt." Turnipseed was laughing so hard that he was starting to turn purple.
"Whatever happened to bats?" Zelenka asked, laughing.
"Ronan. And even he struggled with them."
"At least, he looks good without clothes," Zelenka responded.
"Thanks, doc," said Beau, rolling his eyes. "I thought you were straight."
"I am. Ronan is just that hot." All three burst out laughing.
"Bonjour, Beau," Dr. David Parrish said, walking up to the table. "We're getting ready to go offworld. I thought I would say goodbye."
Beau rose to his feet and kissed each of Parrish's cheeks. "Au revoir, cher. Take care of yourself."
"Will do, corporal." Parrish walked off toward another man in military garb.
"Au revoir, major!" Beau called, waving.
"Bye, Beau," Lorne called back. "You going to make sure Kavanagh eats and sleeps while I'm gone?"
"Yes, sir."
"Hmm," Turnipseed said as Beau sat back down. "We need to find Xeno and get back home before the Archchancellor goes into apoplectic rage."
"Bye," Beau said, kissing Lovegood on each cheek. "I'm going to miss you guys." He kissed Turnipseed. "You be careful and look out for these two, okay?"
"I'll do the best I can."
Beau kissed Ponder. "Don't blow up the Disc. I may decide to come back one day."
Ponder laughed. "I doubt it. You best not let Rodney blow up Atlantis. We might come back one day, too."
"Make sure you know what you're doing next time," Beau said. "Everybody ready?" The wizards voiced their affirmation and with a wave of his hands, Beau sent them home.
"Come on," Zelenka said, throwing an arm over his shoulders. "Let's go polish off that bottle."
He and Beau were walking out of the Gatrium as the unauthorised off-world activation alarm went off.
Title: Black
Fandom: Discworld
Rating: G
Pairing: Ponder/Adrian Turnipseed
Warnings: Nothing much happens.
Summary: After a night out drinking, Ponder Stibbons awakens on Death's doorstep.
Notes: Written for fanfic100 prompt 018. Black.
Ponder Stibbons opened his eyes to complete blackness.
He closed his eyes and opened them again. There was no difference. Ponder stared up at what was presumably the ceiling and tried to remember what he had done last night.
The memories hit him in a flash.
The giddy rush of discovery when the High Energy Magic Dept. finally found exclusive proof of the existence of the Disc followed by drinks at the Mended Drum and Ponder's drunken confession of love to Adrian Turnipseed.
Ponder groaned and closed his eyes. Realising that made no difference, he rolled over. The grass tickled his nose, and Ponder sneezed.
"Grass?" he asked. Last time, he'd been in there his room didn't have grass in it. It had been a while since he'd been in there, but he was fairly certain that wasn't possible.
Ponder opened his eyes. That was definitely grass. It was a slightly green shade of black. Ponder hadn't seen grass in a few years, but he didn't think it was supposed to be that colour. He levered himself up and looked around.
Everything was in various shades of black.
The cloudless sky was a sort of blue tint of black, the flowers were purple or pink shades of black, and the house was a black black. Ponder jerked into a sitting position. There was a house.
He climbed to his feet, tripping on his robes only once. He headed off toward the big house.
The door was huge and made of heavy brownish black oak. The heavy iron knocker was an iron ring held by a skeletal hand. Ponder timidly raised his hand and grasped the ring. The door swung open before he could raise the knocker.
Ponder stepped into the giant front hallway. The measured ticks of the large grandfather clock filled the air. Ponder looked up at the ceiling; he couldn't see it.
"Oh my stars," Ponder said in awe. He walked a bit further into the building before selecting an incredibly long hallway and heading down it. About an hour later, Ponder came to another huge door. Starving and on the verge of dehydration, he collapsed against it. The door swung open.
WHERE DID YOU COME FROM? said a voice like empty graves from above Ponder's head.
"I don't know," Ponder said without raising his head from the navy blue-black carpet. "I woke up outside. Why is everything black?"
BECAUSE YOU ARE STARING AT THE CARPET.
"Not what I meant," Ponder said, raising his head. "Oh my--" A skeleton in black robes towered above him. "I'm dead."
ACTUALLY-- Death reached into his robes and pulled out an hourglass. The top was covered in clockwork gears and the sand inside was mixed with a octarine light that swirled around the falling grains. He tapped the hourglass before looking down at Ponder. YOU ARE NOT DEAD YET.
"Oh." Ponder lurched to his feet. By wizarding standards, he was fairly tall, but the anthropomorphic personification made him feel like a dwarf. "Um. How did I get here?"
I DO NOT KNOW, Death replied, placing the hourglass back into his robes. The two stared at each other in silence.
Ponder's stomach rumbled.
"Um. Is there a kitchen?"
FOLLOW ME.
The trip to the kitchen only took 15 minutes. There was a grumpy old man that reminded Ponder of a statue he'd seen somewhere. He gave Ponder a big bowl of fried porridge and wandered off, cats following behind. Death had stalked off to the library to try to figure out how Ponder had gotten there. He sat in the black room, surrounded by black pots and pans and stared at the black floor.
Finally, he got tired of waiting for Death to return and wandered off to find him.
Ponder was lost.
Everything in Death's House was black: the walls, the carpet, even the light was black. And he could hear the grandfather clock everywhere he went. It was when he turned the corner to see another hallway stretching off into infinity that the walls started closing in on him.
Death found Ponder ten minutes later, sitting in a dead end and rocking back-and-forth.
UM, Death said eloquently.
"Stay out of the middle of the hallways or Prof. Poons will run you over," Ponder responded.
WHO IS PROFESSOR POONS?
"Room 4B isn't on the map. If you can't find it, you're not cut out to be a wizard," Ponder replied, rocking back-and-forth.
YOU ARE A WIZARD, Death replied.
Ponder looked up at him. "Am I dead?"
I TOLD YOU BEFORE, NO.
"Oh dear." Ponder pulled himself to his feet. "I'm sorry about that. I got lost and... it reminded me of first starting school," he finished sheepishly. Death stalked off down the hall and Ponder followed after. The silence stretched to an uncomfortable point.
I TAKE IT YOU FOUND ROOM 4B, Death said awkwardly.
"What? Oh, no," Ponder said. "Room 4B doesn't actually exist. The professors put it on the schedule so that the Archchancellor thinks they're actually working."
AH, Death replied.
"So, uh," Ponder said in the midst of the awkward silence that followed. "Did you ever figure out how I got here?"
QUANTUM.
They made the rest of the trip in silence, Ponder trying to figure out what quantum had to do with anything. Death swung open the door to his House and Ponder stepped through into his room in the High Energy Magic Building. He spun around. The door behind him was the plain wooden door that had always been there.
Ponder opened it and stepped out into Hex's room. The students were incredibly quiet and most of them were wearing smoked glasses and drinking large cups of coffee. Everything looked normal.
Adrian was sitting on the bench in front of Hex. Occasionally, he'd hit a button on the giant panel and write down what Hex scribbled. Ponder made his way over.
"Adrian, um...hi," he said. The other man turned around and looked up at the professor.
"Hi, Ponder." He turned back to the board and kept pressing buttons. "I'm just doing Hex's monthly diagnosis."
"Oh, um, good. That's--that's good."
Adrian slid over. "Sit down."
"Thanks." Ponder sat down.
"I got new sheets for my bed," Adrian said apropos of nothing. He pushed his cup over so Ponder could grab it.
"Well, that's...that's nice, Adrian." Ponder took the cup and raised it to his lips.
"Black satin." Ponder spit coffee across the board. Adrian kept on as if nothing had happened. "Want to see?"
Title: Friends
Fandom: Discworld/Stargate: Atlantis crossover
Rating: PG-13 for language
Pairing: hints at several, but nothing concrete.
Warnings: Nothing much happens.
Summary: Cpl. LeBeau's college friends visit his new posting.
Notes: Written for fanfic100 prompt 021. Friends. Sequel to Choosing Roommates. No knowledge of it or the "Master Plan" series (where Beau originated) is needed.
Cpl. Peter LeBeau was walking through the Gatrium when the unauthorised off-world activation alarm went off. He grabbed a P-90 and joined the ready room team in front of the 'Gate.
"I'm lowering the shield," Sgt. Chuck Campbell called from his desk. Beau clicked the safety off and readied himself in case the Wraith were coming through.
Three men--one in a pointy hat, all wearing dresses--walked through the 'Gate.
"Merde!" Beau cursed before yelling, "Hold your fire!" He straightened up and took a few steps forward. "What are you guys doing here?"
"Beau!" the one in a hat shouted. "I thought you went back to Genua!"
"Not exactly," he said. "What are you guys doing here?"
"Ponder managed to get into Time's Trousers!" the short man with glasses said excitedly. Beau turned that over in his head a few times.
"Say what?" he asked.
"What are you wearing?" the man in the hat asked.
"I could ask you the same thing. That's a professor's hat. Since when are you a professor?"
"Since I graduated. Since when are you in the Watch?" the man responded.
"Army. I'm morale officer here," Beau replied. "The magic helps a bit."
"I can imagine," the third man said.
"BEAU!" Beau turned to see Col. John Sheppard bounding up into the Gatrium.
Beau snapped to attention. "Sir!"
"What's going on, corporal?"
"Um...a couple of friends from college decided to visit?"
"Friends from college?" Sheppard said, quirking an eyebrow. "On Atlantis?"
"Yes, sir."
"What's Atlantis?" the short man asked.
"Leshp," Beau responded without turning.
"I TOLD YOU!" he yelled at the third man.
Beau began cursing in French. "I'm so sorry, sir," he told Sheppard.
"Beau, you're friends have names?" the colonel asked.
"Prof. Ponder Stibbons, Head of Inadvisably Applied Magic and Reader in Invisible Writings," the man in the hat responded. He pointed at the man with glasses. "This is Xenophilius Lovegood. And this is Adrian Turnipseed."
"U.U. doesn't have an Inadvisably Applied Magic Department!" Beau said, turning to Ponder.
"It's new and it's actually called the High Energy Magic Department," Ponder snapped.
"Wait..." Beau translated Disc into Lantean. "Nuclear physics? Cool! I take it you guys got the computer working then."
"Computer?" Turnipseed asked.
"The thinking machine."
"Hex is operational," Lovegood said with a dreamy grin.
"That is fantastic!" Beau frowned suddenly. "Where's Victor and Noddy and Secret?"
"Noddy flunked out," Turnipseed said sadly.
"Oh no! What Guild did he end up in?"
"The Undead Association," the man replied. "His necromancy final didn't go quite as planned."
"That sucks donkey balls," Beau replied. Sheppard smacked him on the back of a head. "I just found out one of my old friends is a zombie, sir! I think that warrants cursing."
"Secret's studying voodoo in Genua," Turnipseed said before an argument could break out. "They're a bit better prepared to handle his Incidents. And Victor quit and got married."
"To whom?" Beau asked.
"Some girl he met when he was doing clicks," Ponder replied.
"Clicks?" Sheppard asked.
"Movies," Beau supplied. Sheppard gave him a look. "You'd be surprised how often I have to translate Earthling into Discian and vice versa."
"Discian?"
"I'm from Genua on the Disc," said Beau. "It's like our version of New Orleans. It's, uh, a bit different from here."
"You're an alien?" Sheppard asked.
"I'm a human," Beau responded.
"You're a wizard," Ponder, Lovegood, and Turnipseed said together.
"Wizards are humans and I didn't graduate, remember?"
"Oh my gods!" Lovegood burst out. "This is what you meant by 'Old Swotty wasn't as stupid as we thought!' You figured your way into Time's Trousers first!"
"Hey, Xeno! Why don't you go out to the North Pier and see if you can find a squark?" Beau snapped. He turned back to Sheppard. "I am in fact a student wizard from another dimension."
"My morale officer is a wizard from an alternate dimension?" Sheppard asked.
"Yes, sir."
"Are you going to try to kill us all or take over the galaxy or something?"
"Not planning on it, sir."
"Cool," Sheppard replied. "How are your friends getting home?"
"Same way they got here, sir," Beau replied. Ponder starting looking at everywhere except Beau.
"We don't know how we got here," Lovegood supplied.
"Our lady, you guys just blundered through the dimensions? You're lucky you didn't end up in one of the Dungeon ones!" Beau pulled his cap off long enough to run a hand through his hair. "I'm just going to have to send you back then."
"Like you understand how to move through dimensions," Ponder said.
"Yeah, it's not like I used an Omniscope to investigate several dimensions, made a list of pros and cons, made a choice about which dimension to head to, packed up all my stuff, said goodbye to my friends, and left to go to that dimension," Beau replied.
"Oh my stars!"
Beau rolled his eyes at his friend.
"Corporal, give your friends the tour, have lunch, and then send them home," Sheppard said. "Don't take them anywhere they shouldn't be and don't let them touch anything."
"Yes, sir." Beau saluted as Sheppard ambled off. "You heard that, Ponder? Don't touch anything."
The tour went well until they reached Dr. Rodney McKay's lab.
"Oh my G-d, you can't possibly be that stupid!"
"Which one was that?" Turnipseed asked from where he, Beau, and Dr. Radek Zelenka were drinking Zelenka's homemade vodka.
"He said 'G-d so it was McKay," Beau replied.
"Oh my stars, this is sheer lunacy. It isn't possible!"
"That was Ponder."
"Where'd Xeno go?" Turnipseed asked as he passed the bottle to Beau.
"He and Kavanagh went to go talk about conspiracy theories. Or have gay sex. I am unsure about some of the Americans' slang," Zelenka supplied.
"Madame," Beau moaned. "I could've done without that image in my head."
"Hack!"
"Idiot!"
"They don't sound like they're going to stop any time soon," Zelenka noted.
"Hey, Beau. Do you still do the Lady worship in this galaxy?" Turnipseed asked.
"We don't worship her. I mean, you don't worship tables do you?" Beau asked. "I mean, you can't believe in what you know exists. Wait." He cocked his to the side. "Do you mean the Lady or Notre Dame de la Mer?"
"I don't even know," Turnipseed replied. "What's the difference?"
"The Lady is the anthropomorphic personification of luck. Or the goddess of it. Or something. I dunno," Beau said, taking a shot before passing the bottle. "Notre Dame is a living, breathing human whose job is to save us from ourselves." He made grabby hands at the bottle and Zelenka popped his hand before passing it to Turnipseed. "We respect the Lady, but we don't worship her. She wouldn't appreciate it and Genuans don't believe in gods anyway. Well, the voodoo ladies do, but they create their gods so that makes it okay."
He looked up at the other two.
"What was I talking about?"
"Neuter dame della meow," Turnipseed replied.
"Notre Dame! We believe in her," Beau replied. "She might not do her job so we have to believe in her. She's like seven or something anyway."
"You have stopped making sense," Zelenka told him.
"It never made sense. That's how you know it's Genuan!"
A crash sounded behind them.
"Are they throwing ADs at each other?" Beau asked.
"ADs?"
"Ancient Doodads, Adrian," Zelenka replied. "Sometimes, we call them ATs."
"Ancient...Thingies?"
"Exactly!" Zelenka and Beau said together.
"Let's blow this Klatchian stand," said Beau after another drink.
"Lunch?" Zelenka asked.
"Yes," Turnipseed said, struggling to his feet.
"Rodney!" called Zelenka. "We are going to eat. Is Jell-o Day."
"What are we waiting for?" McKay replied.
After they started telling stories, McKay and Ponder turned out to get on very well.
"And then, the Archchancellor put his coffee cup on the board!" Ponder said.
"That's nothing," McKay responded. "One time, the colonel used an anti-gravity circuit as a hoverboard so he could skateboard through the city."
"Oh my stars! How could anyone be so stupid?"
"That movie wasn't even that good!" McKay continued.
At the other end of the table, Zelenka, Turnipseed, and Beau were sharing their own stories.
"And then it ate our pants!" Beau announced. "I had to give David my jacket so he could wear it as a skirt." Turnipseed was laughing so hard that he was starting to turn purple.
"Whatever happened to bats?" Zelenka asked, laughing.
"Ronan. And even he struggled with them."
"At least, he looks good without clothes," Zelenka responded.
"Thanks, doc," said Beau, rolling his eyes. "I thought you were straight."
"I am. Ronan is just that hot." All three burst out laughing.
"Bonjour, Beau," Dr. David Parrish said, walking up to the table. "We're getting ready to go offworld. I thought I would say goodbye."
Beau rose to his feet and kissed each of Parrish's cheeks. "Au revoir, cher. Take care of yourself."
"Will do, corporal." Parrish walked off toward another man in military garb.
"Au revoir, major!" Beau called, waving.
"Bye, Beau," Lorne called back. "You going to make sure Kavanagh eats and sleeps while I'm gone?"
"Yes, sir."
"Hmm," Turnipseed said as Beau sat back down. "We need to find Xeno and get back home before the Archchancellor goes into apoplectic rage."
"Bye," Beau said, kissing Lovegood on each cheek. "I'm going to miss you guys." He kissed Turnipseed. "You be careful and look out for these two, okay?"
"I'll do the best I can."
Beau kissed Ponder. "Don't blow up the Disc. I may decide to come back one day."
Ponder laughed. "I doubt it. You best not let Rodney blow up Atlantis. We might come back one day, too."
"Make sure you know what you're doing next time," Beau said. "Everybody ready?" The wizards voiced their affirmation and with a wave of his hands, Beau sent them home.
"Come on," Zelenka said, throwing an arm over his shoulders. "Let's go polish off that bottle."
He and Beau were walking out of the Gatrium as the unauthorised off-world activation alarm went off.