"Choosing Roommates" by planetkiller, PG, Discworld
Title: Choosing Roommates
Fandom: Discworld
Rating: PG for suggestions of violence
Pairing: possibly Ponder/Victor Tugelbend if you squint
Warnings: I discovered the word "Swot" last night. I'm attempting the footnote thing that so few people do well.
Summary: By this point, the older wizards have learned who you shouldn't room with.
Notes: In Afrikaans, "swot" also means to study. I've used it in pretty much every possible variation, including that one. Written for fanfic100 prompt 001. Beginnings
Very few people actually realised that people flunked out of Unseen University. When this was brought to someone's attention, their brow normally creased for a moment and they'd say something like, "Yeah, I suppose that would have to happen." and then they'd go on about their day, forgetting this tidbit until someone else brought it up. By the time they reached the upper levels of study, only one fourth of the original class remained.
By which point, the students had learned who you wanted as a roommate. At a university, a good roommate is a valuable commodity; at a wizarding university, he's worth both your weights in gold. You didn't want Noddy Bartlet who thought bathing would make him vulnerable to demon attacks or Xenophilius Lovegood who believed all sorts of things and once went on a snipe hunt that had lasted two weeks. Nor did you want Adrian Turnipseed who spoke in inhuman languages whilst sleeping or Secret Merryweather who was the sweetest boy who had ever lived until he had an Incident and he ended up helping you scrape bits of fully-trained wizard off the walls. Victor Tugelbend was a good three years older than the rest of them and spent far too much time in the gym and library to be truly committed to being a wizard and Peter LeBeau was from Genua.
But the worst was Ponder Stibbons. He was genuinely nice which was quite the warning sign in someone born and raised in Ankh-Morpork. And he spent almost as much time in the library as Victor. The worst part though was what happened down the pub.
Sometimes, Ponder would bring a book, which wasn't that uncommon, but he'd actually read it. It made him a wholly unique person. No one in the history of universities, pubs, and books has ever read the book they brought to the pub so they could study.1 It was almost as bad as the rambling.
After the seventh pint, Ponder would stop making sense. This was common enough; after the seventh pint, Victor would start talking about how his goal in life was to do nothing and Lovegood would tell anybody who'd listen about the tasteless, smell less, colourless, mostly harmless powder the Assassins put in every figgin. But Ponder started talking about how Time wore Trousers. If the barkeep didn't cut him off, he'd head on into how he was a student here but somewhere completely different that looked exactly the same he was at the Teacher's Guild learning Science or in the Watch. If no one stopped him then, Ponder would venture into the truly disturbing and start talking about how he was really a girl in another trouser leg. It was a distressing trend that inevitably ended in him staring off into the distance and muttering about male sheep.
Everyone knew that if you could, you bunged Ponder off on one of the younger students and laughed about it when you found him sleeping on the grounds. Which was why Victor Tugelbend was worried about his mental state.
Victor was sitting at one of the few reading tables in the library, staring at a book on postmortem communication that he wasn't reading. Sitting a bit further down was Ponder who was taking notes as he read. Classes didn't even start for another week. The annoying thing was you couldn't even call him a swot2 because he didn't actually care about his classes as much as he cared about learning things and he hated the professors more than any of the other students. That was the real problem of having Ponder Stibbons for a roommate. Someone would go "You rooming with that swot Stibbons?" and you'd have to respond, "Um..." because half of you was trying to reconcile the idea of Ponder as a swot with the other half who was rooming with him. And that was too much work for Victor.
Which is why he surprised himself when he slid into the seat in front of the other boy, placing his feet on either side of Ponder's. The student looked up, green eyes wide and frightened behind his glasses. He relaxed and nodded before going back to his book.
"Do you have a roommate for..." Here Victor stumbled because they were supposed to be moving into their new rooms tomorrow.
"No," Ponder replied, apparently never noticing. "Do you?"
"Not yet. That's why I was wondering if you'd be willing to room with me?" About halfway through the sentence, Ponder looked up at the other boy and fixed him with a stare of disbelief. Victor squirmed in his seat and thought that Teacher Stibbons must be having a very good career where ever he was. With exaggerated care, the kind that says "I don't do this for everyone so you better respect this.", Ponder put down his pencil and placed a bookmark on the page he had been reading. The book closed the way Victor imagined the Tanty would.
"Do you snore?"
"Not as far as I know," Victor replied. "Do you?"
"Are you up at all hours of the night?" Ponder continued, ignoring the question.
"Of course."
"Do you get up ungodly early?"
"Not if I can help it," Victor said. "But with Ridcully around, it's starting to be more difficult to help it."
"Are you going to disappear about a month in?"
Victor flinched. They had all assumed that Ponder had been too wrapped up in whatever he was studying to notice the disappearances. "Not planning on it," he said finally. Ponder sighed.
"Damn. I rather enjoyed having the room to myself." He opened his book again. "What room are we going to be in?"
"I figured we'd do yours since it's bigger than mine," Victor replied.
"Plus you have a roommate."
"No, Beau quit yesterday." Ponder closed his book again.
"Why would he go and do a thing like that?"
"Haven't a clue," Victor responded. "He just kept saying 'Ponder was right.'3 And then he started muttering in that weird Quirmian some of the Genuans speak and then he ran off, leaving all his magic stuff behind." Ponder shook his head.
"I thought he was sure to be the first one of us to become a wizard, too. I guess the pressure just got to be too much." He opened his book again. "When are you going to start moving in?"
"I figured I'd start tonight if I can convince Lovegood to help." The other boy nodded and went back to reading. Victor recognised being dismissed when he saw it. With a grin, he rose from his seat and headed toward the exit. "What the hell am I thinking?" he muttered to himself, but he couldn't get rid of the grin. Maybe this year wouldn't be so bad.
+++
1 In Genua, there's actually a pub where you bring in a book, hand it over to the barkeep, and drink for free the rest of the night. The only reason it makes any money is that it's also the public library.
2 Well, yes, of course you could, because despite Victor's personal feelings, Ponder was the swotiest swot to ever swot.
3 This was in fact a lie. He had been saying "Old Swotty wasn't as stupid as we thought!" but it amounts to the same.
And that's my second Discworld fic. Whoo!
Fandom: Discworld
Rating: PG for suggestions of violence
Pairing: possibly Ponder/Victor Tugelbend if you squint
Warnings: I discovered the word "Swot" last night. I'm attempting the footnote thing that so few people do well.
Summary: By this point, the older wizards have learned who you shouldn't room with.
Notes: In Afrikaans, "swot" also means to study. I've used it in pretty much every possible variation, including that one. Written for fanfic100 prompt 001. Beginnings
Very few people actually realised that people flunked out of Unseen University. When this was brought to someone's attention, their brow normally creased for a moment and they'd say something like, "Yeah, I suppose that would have to happen." and then they'd go on about their day, forgetting this tidbit until someone else brought it up. By the time they reached the upper levels of study, only one fourth of the original class remained.
By which point, the students had learned who you wanted as a roommate. At a university, a good roommate is a valuable commodity; at a wizarding university, he's worth both your weights in gold. You didn't want Noddy Bartlet who thought bathing would make him vulnerable to demon attacks or Xenophilius Lovegood who believed all sorts of things and once went on a snipe hunt that had lasted two weeks. Nor did you want Adrian Turnipseed who spoke in inhuman languages whilst sleeping or Secret Merryweather who was the sweetest boy who had ever lived until he had an Incident and he ended up helping you scrape bits of fully-trained wizard off the walls. Victor Tugelbend was a good three years older than the rest of them and spent far too much time in the gym and library to be truly committed to being a wizard and Peter LeBeau was from Genua.
But the worst was Ponder Stibbons. He was genuinely nice which was quite the warning sign in someone born and raised in Ankh-Morpork. And he spent almost as much time in the library as Victor. The worst part though was what happened down the pub.
Sometimes, Ponder would bring a book, which wasn't that uncommon, but he'd actually read it. It made him a wholly unique person. No one in the history of universities, pubs, and books has ever read the book they brought to the pub so they could study.1 It was almost as bad as the rambling.
After the seventh pint, Ponder would stop making sense. This was common enough; after the seventh pint, Victor would start talking about how his goal in life was to do nothing and Lovegood would tell anybody who'd listen about the tasteless, smell less, colourless, mostly harmless powder the Assassins put in every figgin. But Ponder started talking about how Time wore Trousers. If the barkeep didn't cut him off, he'd head on into how he was a student here but somewhere completely different that looked exactly the same he was at the Teacher's Guild learning Science or in the Watch. If no one stopped him then, Ponder would venture into the truly disturbing and start talking about how he was really a girl in another trouser leg. It was a distressing trend that inevitably ended in him staring off into the distance and muttering about male sheep.
Everyone knew that if you could, you bunged Ponder off on one of the younger students and laughed about it when you found him sleeping on the grounds. Which was why Victor Tugelbend was worried about his mental state.
Victor was sitting at one of the few reading tables in the library, staring at a book on postmortem communication that he wasn't reading. Sitting a bit further down was Ponder who was taking notes as he read. Classes didn't even start for another week. The annoying thing was you couldn't even call him a swot2 because he didn't actually care about his classes as much as he cared about learning things and he hated the professors more than any of the other students. That was the real problem of having Ponder Stibbons for a roommate. Someone would go "You rooming with that swot Stibbons?" and you'd have to respond, "Um..." because half of you was trying to reconcile the idea of Ponder as a swot with the other half who was rooming with him. And that was too much work for Victor.
Which is why he surprised himself when he slid into the seat in front of the other boy, placing his feet on either side of Ponder's. The student looked up, green eyes wide and frightened behind his glasses. He relaxed and nodded before going back to his book.
"Do you have a roommate for..." Here Victor stumbled because they were supposed to be moving into their new rooms tomorrow.
"No," Ponder replied, apparently never noticing. "Do you?"
"Not yet. That's why I was wondering if you'd be willing to room with me?" About halfway through the sentence, Ponder looked up at the other boy and fixed him with a stare of disbelief. Victor squirmed in his seat and thought that Teacher Stibbons must be having a very good career where ever he was. With exaggerated care, the kind that says "I don't do this for everyone so you better respect this.", Ponder put down his pencil and placed a bookmark on the page he had been reading. The book closed the way Victor imagined the Tanty would.
"Do you snore?"
"Not as far as I know," Victor replied. "Do you?"
"Are you up at all hours of the night?" Ponder continued, ignoring the question.
"Of course."
"Do you get up ungodly early?"
"Not if I can help it," Victor said. "But with Ridcully around, it's starting to be more difficult to help it."
"Are you going to disappear about a month in?"
Victor flinched. They had all assumed that Ponder had been too wrapped up in whatever he was studying to notice the disappearances. "Not planning on it," he said finally. Ponder sighed.
"Damn. I rather enjoyed having the room to myself." He opened his book again. "What room are we going to be in?"
"I figured we'd do yours since it's bigger than mine," Victor replied.
"Plus you have a roommate."
"No, Beau quit yesterday." Ponder closed his book again.
"Why would he go and do a thing like that?"
"Haven't a clue," Victor responded. "He just kept saying 'Ponder was right.'3 And then he started muttering in that weird Quirmian some of the Genuans speak and then he ran off, leaving all his magic stuff behind." Ponder shook his head.
"I thought he was sure to be the first one of us to become a wizard, too. I guess the pressure just got to be too much." He opened his book again. "When are you going to start moving in?"
"I figured I'd start tonight if I can convince Lovegood to help." The other boy nodded and went back to reading. Victor recognised being dismissed when he saw it. With a grin, he rose from his seat and headed toward the exit. "What the hell am I thinking?" he muttered to himself, but he couldn't get rid of the grin. Maybe this year wouldn't be so bad.
+++
1 In Genua, there's actually a pub where you bring in a book, hand it over to the barkeep, and drink for free the rest of the night. The only reason it makes any money is that it's also the public library.
2 Well, yes, of course you could, because despite Victor's personal feelings, Ponder was the swotiest swot to ever swot.
3 This was in fact a lie. He had been saying "Old Swotty wasn't as stupid as we thought!" but it amounts to the same.
And that's my second Discworld fic. Whoo!