roseanne barr.. really? really.
"The thing women have got to learn is that nobody gives you power. You just take it."
Roseanne Barr
She's trashy, loud and obnoxious, but she is also right. at least in this instance. recently i've noticed a "weak woman" trend engulfing those around me and quite frankly, i'm disturbed. it seems like every time i turn around, i am listening to a story about so-and-so whose husband/boyfriend did x,y, or z and now so-and-so is broken and conflicted about what to do. everyone around her is shouting "run!" or "leave him!", but for whatever reason, she stays or holds on for too long only to find herself hurt yet again. these women are all attractive and accomplished in one way or another; we're not talking about bimbos with nothing to offer a man. and i think that is what makes this all the more disturbing. not that one woman is more worthy than another, but that these women have such a low level of self-worth that they are willing to put up with treatment so damaging.
here is a brief synopsis of how the women in my world are failing themselves, their daughters and even the men they are appeasing (because, let's face it, these men need to learn what true love is too. and if they think this stuff is it, they are just as lost).
1) woman number one discovers that her husband is cheating on her with a very devoted mistress and is also carrying on inappropriate conversations with young girls. with three young children and a mother who put up with severe emotional abuse from her husband (woman #1's father), she decides counseling is the solution- 6 months later, nothing has changed. she is the breadwinner, the backbone, and the martyr dying for a marriage to a man who offers her absolutely no support or genuine love.
2) woman number two discovers that her husband is cheating on her with a woman of a much lower socioeconomic background. she decides that a divorce is now her only option, but upon meeting with a lawyer, realizes that her lifestyle would be comprised and God forbid she end up living in a neighborhood that resembles that of her husbands mistress! instead, she will stay with him "for the kids' sake" and religiously (ha) pray for him to croak. him? he continues to torment her and her daughters by dangling his back account in front of them and frequently referencing his side-pieces because now he knows that even a mistress couldn't ruin the marriage. he has her right where he wants her.
3) woman number three discovers that her husband is cheating on her and has been for several years. she holds on in hopes he will change his mind, since he left her after the "shit hit the fan", but eventually signs the divorce papers as amicably as possible. due to the destruction of the marriage she single-handedly constructed (ask anyone, he was never IN LOVE with her; only loved her as much as he could coming from a family where love was never taught), she loses her marbles, mentally and emotionally abandons her adolescent children, and dives head first into all of the superficial modes of happiness she can find. jumping from man to man, designer label to designer label, gym to gym, she struggles to find happiness without a man who never should have mattered in the first place.
4) woman number four finds herself in a relationship where she is should be dubbed "the giving tree" because she is never on the receiving end. he constantly imposes the 25 minute drive to his house on her because he is too lazy to get in the car and do it himself. he rarely pays for any of the "dates" they go on. he leaves her emails/texts/calls unattended to until it suits him. the entire relationship rises and sets on his terms. she goes out of her way to accommodate his needs, whatever that may be. whether it is waiting by the phone on a Friday night for him to call with last minute plans or leaving promptly before bedtime so he can have his "alone time", she gives and gives. rarely does she take a step back to ask "what do i need? what do i want?" because when she does, it hurts too much to face the fact that she hasn't, for three years, been getting it- which in turn means she never will. she watches him coast through his days happy as a clam, and why wouldn't he be? he always does whatever he wants, whenever he wants. she spends most of the 25 minute car rides home in tears asking herself "why?"
these are only four of the dozen or so women i've had the pleasure of knowing. all of these women are more than worthy of a good, honest, loving relationship. in fact, i'm positive that there are other men who look at them and think, "damn, if i had a chance with her..." but yet not one of them believe that they are worth it. not one of them can see that the only thing keeping them in their pain is themselves. the men are surely to blame for the selfish acts they all committed, but the women are the only ones who can say "enough is enough! i am better than this. i deserve more than this because every person is entitled to love and this is not love." these women need to take heed to ms. barr and grab the power by the cajones.
why bother going on this tangent? because i hate men? absolutely not. because i'm a feminist? um, no. solely because i'm petrified that i, too, will become one of these women. it is much easier to be on the outside looking in. from that angle, the right answer is always as clear as day. it's when you find yourself in the thick of it that the answer turns into a buried treasure, and you don't even have that map with the 'x' on it to begin your search.
i wrote this to remind myself of how sad it is to see a person hurting when the pain never pays off. i wrote it to remind myself that sometimes you have to give up, give in, and realize that you cannot save everyone or every relationship you're in. i wrote this to remind myself that if it hurts more than it fulfills, it's not worth a moment more.
most importantly, i wrote this to remind myself of this one fact:
loving another selflessly is the ONLY way to love; but that does not mean you stop loving yourself.
Roseanne Barr
She's trashy, loud and obnoxious, but she is also right. at least in this instance. recently i've noticed a "weak woman" trend engulfing those around me and quite frankly, i'm disturbed. it seems like every time i turn around, i am listening to a story about so-and-so whose husband/boyfriend did x,y, or z and now so-and-so is broken and conflicted about what to do. everyone around her is shouting "run!" or "leave him!", but for whatever reason, she stays or holds on for too long only to find herself hurt yet again. these women are all attractive and accomplished in one way or another; we're not talking about bimbos with nothing to offer a man. and i think that is what makes this all the more disturbing. not that one woman is more worthy than another, but that these women have such a low level of self-worth that they are willing to put up with treatment so damaging.
here is a brief synopsis of how the women in my world are failing themselves, their daughters and even the men they are appeasing (because, let's face it, these men need to learn what true love is too. and if they think this stuff is it, they are just as lost).
1) woman number one discovers that her husband is cheating on her with a very devoted mistress and is also carrying on inappropriate conversations with young girls. with three young children and a mother who put up with severe emotional abuse from her husband (woman #1's father), she decides counseling is the solution- 6 months later, nothing has changed. she is the breadwinner, the backbone, and the martyr dying for a marriage to a man who offers her absolutely no support or genuine love.
2) woman number two discovers that her husband is cheating on her with a woman of a much lower socioeconomic background. she decides that a divorce is now her only option, but upon meeting with a lawyer, realizes that her lifestyle would be comprised and God forbid she end up living in a neighborhood that resembles that of her husbands mistress! instead, she will stay with him "for the kids' sake" and religiously (ha) pray for him to croak. him? he continues to torment her and her daughters by dangling his back account in front of them and frequently referencing his side-pieces because now he knows that even a mistress couldn't ruin the marriage. he has her right where he wants her.
3) woman number three discovers that her husband is cheating on her and has been for several years. she holds on in hopes he will change his mind, since he left her after the "shit hit the fan", but eventually signs the divorce papers as amicably as possible. due to the destruction of the marriage she single-handedly constructed (ask anyone, he was never IN LOVE with her; only loved her as much as he could coming from a family where love was never taught), she loses her marbles, mentally and emotionally abandons her adolescent children, and dives head first into all of the superficial modes of happiness she can find. jumping from man to man, designer label to designer label, gym to gym, she struggles to find happiness without a man who never should have mattered in the first place.
4) woman number four finds herself in a relationship where she is should be dubbed "the giving tree" because she is never on the receiving end. he constantly imposes the 25 minute drive to his house on her because he is too lazy to get in the car and do it himself. he rarely pays for any of the "dates" they go on. he leaves her emails/texts/calls unattended to until it suits him. the entire relationship rises and sets on his terms. she goes out of her way to accommodate his needs, whatever that may be. whether it is waiting by the phone on a Friday night for him to call with last minute plans or leaving promptly before bedtime so he can have his "alone time", she gives and gives. rarely does she take a step back to ask "what do i need? what do i want?" because when she does, it hurts too much to face the fact that she hasn't, for three years, been getting it- which in turn means she never will. she watches him coast through his days happy as a clam, and why wouldn't he be? he always does whatever he wants, whenever he wants. she spends most of the 25 minute car rides home in tears asking herself "why?"
these are only four of the dozen or so women i've had the pleasure of knowing. all of these women are more than worthy of a good, honest, loving relationship. in fact, i'm positive that there are other men who look at them and think, "damn, if i had a chance with her..." but yet not one of them believe that they are worth it. not one of them can see that the only thing keeping them in their pain is themselves. the men are surely to blame for the selfish acts they all committed, but the women are the only ones who can say "enough is enough! i am better than this. i deserve more than this because every person is entitled to love and this is not love." these women need to take heed to ms. barr and grab the power by the cajones.
why bother going on this tangent? because i hate men? absolutely not. because i'm a feminist? um, no. solely because i'm petrified that i, too, will become one of these women. it is much easier to be on the outside looking in. from that angle, the right answer is always as clear as day. it's when you find yourself in the thick of it that the answer turns into a buried treasure, and you don't even have that map with the 'x' on it to begin your search.
i wrote this to remind myself of how sad it is to see a person hurting when the pain never pays off. i wrote it to remind myself that sometimes you have to give up, give in, and realize that you cannot save everyone or every relationship you're in. i wrote this to remind myself that if it hurts more than it fulfills, it's not worth a moment more.
most importantly, i wrote this to remind myself of this one fact:
loving another selflessly is the ONLY way to love; but that does not mean you stop loving yourself.