for valentines day, i promise to love myself.
"Ships are launching from my chest
Some have names but most do not
If you find one, please let me know what piece I've lost"
that just about sums up my feelings 95% of the time. lost and losing to the point that i cannot even verablize what it is i am "losing". i have been striving, since technically august but actually november (2008 that is), to actively pursue Jillian, whoever she is. and again, those moments of "a-ha" continue to illuminate my soul, but those moments of defeat continue to squelch the light.
lately, i can't make decisions. i don't know what i want. i am constantly finding myself at crossroads. multiple, different, taxing crossroads. but within the last week, something has broken through, and the weight is feeling slightly lighter. i still get a lump in my throat when talking about how i've been feeling, i still feel the anxiety/uncertainty/unsettled-ness and, for lack of better word, pain, but i'm actively seeking assistance now, instead of trying to work alone, and i think that is where the difference is coming from.
today i realized that i am surrounded by people who love me more than i could ever fathom. we all see the flaws within ourselves much clearer than any of our gifts or good qualities. and i don't think that this is a bad thing; if we all saw the good in a brighter, complacency would consume us. why fix something that's not broken, or at least not compensated for elsewhere? the point is, i do not think one can ever truly understand the possibility, or the magnitude, of how another person loves or cares for them due to the fact that we have these blinding flaws.
this is not to say that we cannot ever admit "i know he/she loves me because..." but this is to say that we cannot ever fully see ourselves through the eyes of another person. they can try to show us with poems, compliments, long conversations, affection, or even gifts, but at the end of the day, we will only see our version of ourselves when we look in the mirror. the beauty of this, though, is that our view of ourselves is not set in stone- we can grow as people to love ourselves and see our flaws as endearing challenges instead of heavy defects. when you are loved by another, you are forced to ask yourself, "how?", and i believe that it is in those moments where we find the courage and the audacity to look in that mirror and say, "okay- i have support to tackle these issues, let's do this." it is the faith of another that sometimes acts as the match we need to ignite the love of ourselves.
For some of us, the inspiration comes from other areas; visiting a breathtaking monument, having a spiritually enlightening moment, beginning a new chapter of life or succeeding in something they did not see possible. but for me, it is the love of my family and friends that is giving me the first push that i need. i am borrowing the energy/faith/love/support from those around me to push myself out of this hole and dive into discovering who Jillian Marie is, wants to be, and is supposed to become.
this entry was started a 2 weeks ago, saved and finished today. i could have erased the beginning just as easily as starting from where i left off, but the beauty of this is, all it took was 2 weeks to go from hopeless to hopeful. i have SO much work to do, and like i said before- i'm still struggling, but at least now i feel like someone left a nightlight on for me as i stumble home.
Some have names but most do not
If you find one, please let me know what piece I've lost"
that just about sums up my feelings 95% of the time. lost and losing to the point that i cannot even verablize what it is i am "losing". i have been striving, since technically august but actually november (2008 that is), to actively pursue Jillian, whoever she is. and again, those moments of "a-ha" continue to illuminate my soul, but those moments of defeat continue to squelch the light.
lately, i can't make decisions. i don't know what i want. i am constantly finding myself at crossroads. multiple, different, taxing crossroads. but within the last week, something has broken through, and the weight is feeling slightly lighter. i still get a lump in my throat when talking about how i've been feeling, i still feel the anxiety/uncertainty/unsettled-ness and, for lack of better word, pain, but i'm actively seeking assistance now, instead of trying to work alone, and i think that is where the difference is coming from.
today i realized that i am surrounded by people who love me more than i could ever fathom. we all see the flaws within ourselves much clearer than any of our gifts or good qualities. and i don't think that this is a bad thing; if we all saw the good in a brighter, complacency would consume us. why fix something that's not broken, or at least not compensated for elsewhere? the point is, i do not think one can ever truly understand the possibility, or the magnitude, of how another person loves or cares for them due to the fact that we have these blinding flaws.
this is not to say that we cannot ever admit "i know he/she loves me because..." but this is to say that we cannot ever fully see ourselves through the eyes of another person. they can try to show us with poems, compliments, long conversations, affection, or even gifts, but at the end of the day, we will only see our version of ourselves when we look in the mirror. the beauty of this, though, is that our view of ourselves is not set in stone- we can grow as people to love ourselves and see our flaws as endearing challenges instead of heavy defects. when you are loved by another, you are forced to ask yourself, "how?", and i believe that it is in those moments where we find the courage and the audacity to look in that mirror and say, "okay- i have support to tackle these issues, let's do this." it is the faith of another that sometimes acts as the match we need to ignite the love of ourselves.
For some of us, the inspiration comes from other areas; visiting a breathtaking monument, having a spiritually enlightening moment, beginning a new chapter of life or succeeding in something they did not see possible. but for me, it is the love of my family and friends that is giving me the first push that i need. i am borrowing the energy/faith/love/support from those around me to push myself out of this hole and dive into discovering who Jillian Marie is, wants to be, and is supposed to become.
this entry was started a 2 weeks ago, saved and finished today. i could have erased the beginning just as easily as starting from where i left off, but the beauty of this is, all it took was 2 weeks to go from hopeless to hopeful. i have SO much work to do, and like i said before- i'm still struggling, but at least now i feel like someone left a nightlight on for me as i stumble home.