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I just got home and I feel this overwhelming, deep-pitted sadness. I just feel like crying but I can't. It's weird because I've never had a problem with crying when I felt like it before. Hell, I've had more of a problem with controlling it then that. i just feel worthless and average and small and i dont know how to make it go away. john broke up with me yesterday. i was sad afterwards and i left things in a bad way. i told him i didnt want to be friends and when he asked if he could hug me goodbye i said no. after i got inside i put things in perspective and i called him back and thanked him for being honest with me (that he liked another girl) because it probably wouldve been harder to hear the longer he waited and all. we talked for about an hour about what we liked about eachother and what we didnt like. i like that hes motivated and he likes that im "independent"/ i dont like his lax morals and he doesnt like how i never believed him and said i pushed the sarcasm a little too much. and i read something the main character in a book im reading called A Separate Peace for school said about how sarcasm is just a defense for the weak or something. thats really true. i kept being sarcastic with him, using it as a guard or something. it doesnt even work. no fronts i have ever put up have ever worked. i think i do it just so if i get let down somehow the other person doesnt think it took me by suprise or they wont think im that hurt. which im not that hurt but im speaking in general terms right now. they apply to this situation too but not to a really great extent. ive definitely liked other guys more and ill definitely like other guys more. i dont even regret going out with him like everyone said i would. it was fun and i learned to make out better and he really wasnt an asshole at all to me. he didnt cheat on me or pressure me into having sex or do anything that wasnt fair to me. john isnt what this post is about though i just thought id put that stuff in here because its a recent change that's significant to me. and i guess i just didnt want my friends thinking that me being all sad and self-indulgent was because of him and i couldnt very well leave that tid bit of information out and have them find out from some other source and leave them to draw their own conclusions about whats "really getting [me] down". around like 4th period i just started feeling like shit all of a sudden. i've been feeling this way on and off for a few days but it got really bad. i think what triggered it was mrs. wilson talking about andrew grossman being really motivated and getting into all of these really amazing, educational programs. this is selfish but i just hate hearing about brilliant, motivated people bcuz it makes me feel like shit. i feel like im just wasting my time and my life and i just have one and im not doing all that i can to ensure that it's going to be what i want it to be. and what do i want it to be? everything would be so much easier if i just had a direction. i just have no idea at all what i want to do when i get older. i honestly cant see anything making me happy, or giving me a feeling of contention and fulfillment. that just freaks me out so much. and i feel so average and unspecial. i just kept thinking the kids in my class and i, to colleges, are equals. and i havent done anything to show them otherwise, or that i'm different or that i have something unique to offer. and i can't really list a skill or something but i'm convinced somehow that i'm not like all of them. maybe that's just what i want to believe and everyone thinks this way just for their own sanity. and what's wrong with me that i have such a problem with just being average? with just going to a college in FL and getting a job as a lawyer or a pharmacist or an orthodontist or a doctor or a teacher?? those are considered by society to be good jobs, im pretty sure. why does the thought of being something like that depress the hell out of me? why do i feel like i wouldnt be content with having a job like that and getting married and having kids and growing old? what do i want? what do i expect? im scaring myself. i really am. sometimes i just hate feeling the same as everyone else so much. i just find it so depressing. what is that? i dont look down my nose at other people i guess i just dont understand how they can be happy or content with where they are. like teachers, they teach the same thing every year. same books, same math problems, different kids they never see again, and thats their life. repetitive. they spend their whole lives doing that same thing. and then they die. and thats it. its over. and every other profession pretty much too. and its just so depressing. and when did i get to be how i am? when did i lose all my motivation? i used to put myself out there and work hard and take risks and strive for goals and every other cliche thing that your parents tell u u should do. what happened to that me? im scared of everything now. of taking a chance, of not succeeding, of any kind of rejection. what happened to me? i used to be so much stronger then i am now. it's just so disappointing. i just really am hating myself. im lazy and i want a lot of things but if theres hard work involved i wont do it anymore. and im scared that im just going to settle in life because i wont work for what i want. and my dad just came in here and yelled at me for wasting my time on the computer and it just reminds me of how he has no idea what the hell is going on in my head and hes just making me feel worse. its ironic, really, that im on here talking about how much i hate myself for wasting my life and my dad just comes in here to yell at me for being on the computer because its wasting my time. man i love life. i love people. i love everything. the worst part is this feeling never goes away because i never do anything about it. i hate school. i was so much happier over the summer. i hate the little routine i have. after school i was talking to kenny ans steven and this other kid briefly about how i feel this way. and they were all just like chill out you worry too much. and i just feel like people are insane that they dont feel how i feel. all we get is 100 years if we're lucky. and that's it. game over. and im not content with just wasting it but thats all im doing and some people get what im saying and some people think im crazy. i wish i was really stupid and i never thought about the whys and the hows and i could just be happy and not so panicked all the time. cuz thats how i feel a lot; panicked. and i wish i was religious and i didnt equate death with stopping. but i do and i cant help it. i wish i didnt so bad though. i know id be so much happier. im being pathetic again. SO fucking pathetic. i know it though, and i really do hate it. i wish i could write as fast as i can type. it takes me a lot longer to write in my new journal. why am i spilling my guts where people can see? john said yesterday that he thinks i just want attention, and thats why i do a lot of the stuff i do, like shave my head. i hate that he said that. i hate when people say stuff like that. about why i do things or just when they try to get inside my head when i dont want them to. maybe he's right though. my dad just came in and yelled at me again. my brother just came in to tell me he thinks the storms coming and we might not have school. i dont want that storm to come. the last thing i need right now is to be cooped up in my house without people, with me and my thoughts.