(no subject)
So much as been going on in my head.
I want the following things to make me happy.
1.) Romance.
We have had so many problems lately, and he admitted to me the other night that the problems that have lead to our fights on his end are unresolved issues that he has been bottling, rather than dealing with for an extended period of time. Two years to be exact. On my end, I do not feel loved/appreciated or really all that important in the scheme of things. I don't feel like anything I do to make things better matters all that much because the result is still the same. We can't and won't get through this unless we both work together. I feel him working harder now, but when everything hits the low point, everything said and done seems to undo any sort of hope I've had about the situation.
When I see other people getting romantic gestures, I sob. It makes me realize what I don't have, and it makes me fear that I'll never get what I want out of a relationship. It has always been so hard for him to open up to me due to his upbringing/previous bad relationships, and at this point in the game, I feel like he needs to be able to open up to me since a.) I'm his wife and not a flavor of the week girlfriend (not that he's ever had one of those), b.) I am the best relationship he has ever been in, c.) I've never given him a reason not to trust me, d.) I am open with him almost all of the time and e.) I've told him that he should be able to tell me anything especially since we've been together for almost a decade.
After an entire Sunday of fighting,(our fourth in a row, mind you), we did have some rockin' intimate times that have given me something to think about in the days since. That makes me feel a little more hopeful, since we were both so willing and able to give all of ourselves to the other.
2.) Weight loss.
I am so effing sick of this plateau. Truth be told, I gained most of my weight before I quit smoking. After I quit, I gained about nine pounds in the first 7 months. I've lost all but two of those pounds. Now, I'm stuck at this same ridiculous plateau. Quitting smoking didn't really cause me to gain all that much weight, but it did make it harder for me to lose it. It also doesn't help that my body chemistry is changing so immensely, I gave up my caffeine habit and I worked night shift for several months. I just need to keep telling myself that this slowed state is temporary, and my metabolism will figure it all out soon enough.
I re-joined my gym today. I burned the most calories I've ever burned on a treadmill. I did push myself a little too hard and almost has a panic attack, but I'm still glad I've made the decision to go back. I think that forcing myself to go to another location will help me not skimp on the amount of work I get done, which I do when I get bored or want to move onto other things. Though, truth be told, my mixture of cardio and pilates I've been doing lately has been helping a lot, and I will continue to do those things on my off days. The EasyTones shoes have helped a lot, too. My butt is sore, and my calfs are HUGE. I hope my big payoff comes soon. I don't like looking like this at all.
3.) A life free from the grips of anxiety/to feel normal again.
I still have a great deal of confusion when it comes to dealing with my body. It was bad last year during allergy season, too. My ears get congested, my sinus swollen and my sense of balance completely skewed. This causes a lot of the "WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?" thought processes. I am constantly tired. I feel dizzy/loopy/disconnected some of the time.
I know that this is just my issues with allergies and my sinuses, but my anxiety won't shut the fuck up. Today, on the tread mill, my pulse was 158 after running, and because I knew this and my chest was itchy and cold, I started getting into the "I'm having a heart attack" mindset. I pushed forward, met my goal and got off to the normal treadmill floatiness, where you feel like you're still on it, and even that, despite the innumerable times I've been on a treadmill, also freaked me out.
Normal bodily functions, freak me out sometimes. It's like I'm 5 all over again. Only this time, my subconscious is focused on the idea that what I'm going through may kill me. I really don't want to live like this. I know that my anxiety disorder was brought on by a traumatic event, and I wish I could just let it go, fix how I'm thinking again, feel carefree and well-adjusted, be me again. I would like this think that this isn't impossible.
_______________________________________________________
I am seriously changing the way I'm living my life. There is too much undo stress, and I can't function like this any more. That's one reason why I pour so much energy into my modeling because it makes me feel like a normal person and not the basketcase I've become.
My goals are:
-- Spend more time on things I know I should be doing and less sinking time into things that don't matter.
-- Spend more time with my son.
-- Mend my broken relationship.
-- Acquire new friendships and maintain old ones.
-- Don't get discouraged about the weight loss issue. Keep doing what I'm doing, and don't stress myself out about it because it's counterproductive.
As I realized that what I'm going through now shares eerie similarities to the sad state of affairs after I had Trenton. I need to pull myself out of this funk immediately.
I want the following things to make me happy.
1.) Romance.
We have had so many problems lately, and he admitted to me the other night that the problems that have lead to our fights on his end are unresolved issues that he has been bottling, rather than dealing with for an extended period of time. Two years to be exact. On my end, I do not feel loved/appreciated or really all that important in the scheme of things. I don't feel like anything I do to make things better matters all that much because the result is still the same. We can't and won't get through this unless we both work together. I feel him working harder now, but when everything hits the low point, everything said and done seems to undo any sort of hope I've had about the situation.
When I see other people getting romantic gestures, I sob. It makes me realize what I don't have, and it makes me fear that I'll never get what I want out of a relationship. It has always been so hard for him to open up to me due to his upbringing/previous bad relationships, and at this point in the game, I feel like he needs to be able to open up to me since a.) I'm his wife and not a flavor of the week girlfriend (not that he's ever had one of those), b.) I am the best relationship he has ever been in, c.) I've never given him a reason not to trust me, d.) I am open with him almost all of the time and e.) I've told him that he should be able to tell me anything especially since we've been together for almost a decade.
After an entire Sunday of fighting,(our fourth in a row, mind you), we did have some rockin' intimate times that have given me something to think about in the days since. That makes me feel a little more hopeful, since we were both so willing and able to give all of ourselves to the other.
2.) Weight loss.
I am so effing sick of this plateau. Truth be told, I gained most of my weight before I quit smoking. After I quit, I gained about nine pounds in the first 7 months. I've lost all but two of those pounds. Now, I'm stuck at this same ridiculous plateau. Quitting smoking didn't really cause me to gain all that much weight, but it did make it harder for me to lose it. It also doesn't help that my body chemistry is changing so immensely, I gave up my caffeine habit and I worked night shift for several months. I just need to keep telling myself that this slowed state is temporary, and my metabolism will figure it all out soon enough.
I re-joined my gym today. I burned the most calories I've ever burned on a treadmill. I did push myself a little too hard and almost has a panic attack, but I'm still glad I've made the decision to go back. I think that forcing myself to go to another location will help me not skimp on the amount of work I get done, which I do when I get bored or want to move onto other things. Though, truth be told, my mixture of cardio and pilates I've been doing lately has been helping a lot, and I will continue to do those things on my off days. The EasyTones shoes have helped a lot, too. My butt is sore, and my calfs are HUGE. I hope my big payoff comes soon. I don't like looking like this at all.
3.) A life free from the grips of anxiety/to feel normal again.
I still have a great deal of confusion when it comes to dealing with my body. It was bad last year during allergy season, too. My ears get congested, my sinus swollen and my sense of balance completely skewed. This causes a lot of the "WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?" thought processes. I am constantly tired. I feel dizzy/loopy/disconnected some of the time.
I know that this is just my issues with allergies and my sinuses, but my anxiety won't shut the fuck up. Today, on the tread mill, my pulse was 158 after running, and because I knew this and my chest was itchy and cold, I started getting into the "I'm having a heart attack" mindset. I pushed forward, met my goal and got off to the normal treadmill floatiness, where you feel like you're still on it, and even that, despite the innumerable times I've been on a treadmill, also freaked me out.
Normal bodily functions, freak me out sometimes. It's like I'm 5 all over again. Only this time, my subconscious is focused on the idea that what I'm going through may kill me. I really don't want to live like this. I know that my anxiety disorder was brought on by a traumatic event, and I wish I could just let it go, fix how I'm thinking again, feel carefree and well-adjusted, be me again. I would like this think that this isn't impossible.
_______________________________________________________
I am seriously changing the way I'm living my life. There is too much undo stress, and I can't function like this any more. That's one reason why I pour so much energy into my modeling because it makes me feel like a normal person and not the basketcase I've become.
My goals are:
-- Spend more time on things I know I should be doing and less sinking time into things that don't matter.
-- Spend more time with my son.
-- Mend my broken relationship.
-- Acquire new friendships and maintain old ones.
-- Don't get discouraged about the weight loss issue. Keep doing what I'm doing, and don't stress myself out about it because it's counterproductive.
As I realized that what I'm going through now shares eerie similarities to the sad state of affairs after I had Trenton. I need to pull myself out of this funk immediately.