(no subject)
I have been really down on myself lately. A lot of it is stemming from PMS, I'm sure, but there are other factors that have been weighing heavy on me. There's the stress and the weight gain from depression/quitting smoking (though I have it under control). There is the constant war inside my head to try to feel "normal" again. For the past 11 months, I have had to struggle to function as a person.
It is a shame that society faults uncontrollable body flaws. All women, regardless of size, have stretchmarks, but they are revered as ugly by most people, despite circumstances. Most of mine came from having a child. Instead of being seen as battle scars, they are still looked at as if I just got lazy and made myself fat. You know how fucked up it is to tell an 18-year-old girl that she's ruined for life because she didn't have enough elasticity in her skin/because she had rapid weight gain from a disease that almost killed her? No one cares because some of the girls with the least noticeable marks/those in denial about how many they have like to perpetuate the very standards they seek to condemn. People will preach about how it is terrible that women are encouraged to stay too skinny but will keep the ball rolling by picking another "imperfect" feature to chastise.
I am not, nor have I ever been "fat", but I am constantly made to feel that way by a society that wants me to have a perfectly flat stomach and hardly any body fat. I completely buy into it. Also, for most of teen/adult life, I've exhibited symptoms of body dismorphia. When I was younger, I was more destructive as a result of that strain. Now, I seek to fix how I see myself my proper methods, but I still hate myself sometimes. Nothing is ever good enough for me. It has become an obsession/never-ending battle to become comfortable in my own skin.
Why did I come to this place where I needed to grow comfortable inside my own head? I suppose it was for the best. I can deal with things much better now than I have ever.
I look forward to the next couple of weeks when I completely reset my life back to being a daywalker so that I won't be tired all of the time, I'll enjoy the day, I'll not skip workouts because I'm exhausted and I'll eat on a normal schedule. I think a lot of the real issues with my body will start to melt away so that I can feel confident enough to tackle the emotional issues I have in regard to how I see myself.
It is a shame that society faults uncontrollable body flaws. All women, regardless of size, have stretchmarks, but they are revered as ugly by most people, despite circumstances. Most of mine came from having a child. Instead of being seen as battle scars, they are still looked at as if I just got lazy and made myself fat. You know how fucked up it is to tell an 18-year-old girl that she's ruined for life because she didn't have enough elasticity in her skin/because she had rapid weight gain from a disease that almost killed her? No one cares because some of the girls with the least noticeable marks/those in denial about how many they have like to perpetuate the very standards they seek to condemn. People will preach about how it is terrible that women are encouraged to stay too skinny but will keep the ball rolling by picking another "imperfect" feature to chastise.
I am not, nor have I ever been "fat", but I am constantly made to feel that way by a society that wants me to have a perfectly flat stomach and hardly any body fat. I completely buy into it. Also, for most of teen/adult life, I've exhibited symptoms of body dismorphia. When I was younger, I was more destructive as a result of that strain. Now, I seek to fix how I see myself my proper methods, but I still hate myself sometimes. Nothing is ever good enough for me. It has become an obsession/never-ending battle to become comfortable in my own skin.
Why did I come to this place where I needed to grow comfortable inside my own head? I suppose it was for the best. I can deal with things much better now than I have ever.
I look forward to the next couple of weeks when I completely reset my life back to being a daywalker so that I won't be tired all of the time, I'll enjoy the day, I'll not skip workouts because I'm exhausted and I'll eat on a normal schedule. I think a lot of the real issues with my body will start to melt away so that I can feel confident enough to tackle the emotional issues I have in regard to how I see myself.