(no subject)
I can't really quite recall when I began my downward spiral. I think that it probably predates the events of last year quite some time. I'm starting to realize that these states I find myself in have always existed to some degree, but they are only, just now, swallowing me. Sometimes, I have no idea who I am. I look in the mirror, and I see someone else entirely. I speak differently, I think differently and my perspective is completely transformed. While some of the changes have been for the better, in some of the most fundamental ways, I have betrayed myself by doing extremely uncharacteristic things, for losing my values, for letting passion slip away from me to do things I know that I should.
I'm not really respecting myself the way that I should. My self-esteem is pretty much in shambles, and certain factors in my life make it worse. But perhaps, the worst of all is that I allowed it all to get the better of me to such a degree that I hurt someone I love with my actions. I embarrassed myself, sure, but that is really only secondary to what I've done. I wonder when and why I decided it was OK to be so disrespectful, why I should demand such terrible things out of another person without being affected more by what they were saying to me until the damage was done. I feel like I'm becoming one of those people I can't stand. But I have forgotten how to feel good, and it is this reason that leads me to seek extreme measures whether or not it is a good idea in anything beyond whatever theory I've used to justify it in my head.
I wait for things to get better on the other end and can only hope that I learn to control myself better. I want nothing more than to regain my love of life and not drown in a sea of pessimism. I know I am capable of better.
I'm not really respecting myself the way that I should. My self-esteem is pretty much in shambles, and certain factors in my life make it worse. But perhaps, the worst of all is that I allowed it all to get the better of me to such a degree that I hurt someone I love with my actions. I embarrassed myself, sure, but that is really only secondary to what I've done. I wonder when and why I decided it was OK to be so disrespectful, why I should demand such terrible things out of another person without being affected more by what they were saying to me until the damage was done. I feel like I'm becoming one of those people I can't stand. But I have forgotten how to feel good, and it is this reason that leads me to seek extreme measures whether or not it is a good idea in anything beyond whatever theory I've used to justify it in my head.
I wait for things to get better on the other end and can only hope that I learn to control myself better. I want nothing more than to regain my love of life and not drown in a sea of pessimism. I know I am capable of better.