My mom is dying.
My mom's cancer has returned. And this time it is terminal. She has a year to live. Probably less.
I couldn't think of a better way to start this entry than just coming out and saying that. I don't know how to feel. Sad? Certainly. But how sad? It feels like I should be sadder. But I don't want to be sad. I don't want to make people sad, or have a pity party with me as the guest of honour. You don't need to do anything for me, though it would be nice if you continued to read this. I'm trying to work out how I feel. There isn't anything I can do about this. Nor is there anything anyone can do to make my mom better. Living things die. That's what they do. It's what makes them alive. Some live longer than others. It's totally natural, so what is there to be sad about? Death doesn't matter. Life matters. How or when we die doesn't matter. Nor does how or when we are born. What really matters is how we live. All we can do is make the best of the time allotted to us. All I can do is make the most of the time I have left with my mom.
I'm not a religious man. Quite frankly, I think this world, the world we have here and now, matters more than whatever is next. You spend too much time worrying about where you're not , you don't learn to appreciate where you are. But if there is something next, then I think if you've done good in this world, you'll be fine in the next. So I've no reason to worry about my mom in that regard then. She's a wonderful person who's done lots of good things. And not to boast, but she did raise me. That's not an easy task, cause I was one screwed up little kid. I wouldn't want to raise a me. But in the end, I think I turned out all right. I wouldn't be a fraction of how smart I am now if it weren't for her. She bought me lots of books on sciences and geography and history. And she was always supportive of whatever I did. And if I'm a good person, then it's all because of her.
I'm kind of obsessed with the sadness thing here. It's expected I should be sad, and I assure I have been and will be at times. But I don't want to be consumed by it. Grief. I think that's what I loathe. I don't it to consume me. I don't want to be bound by it. To live my life thinking only of the dead (or soon to be). I have a lot of living left to do, and that what I intend to do. But...Now I think I'm being selfish. Is it wrong to enjoy my life when one so close to me is slowly losing their'? Guilt...another emotion I despise. And I suppose that I should be angry too that she's dying relatively young. That she won't be around anymore and I won't be able to talk to her. She won't see how great I'll become.
Looking ahead, it's going to be rough. I've two semesters left of graduate school. And then finding a job, and moving anywhere. It's not a very convenient time for me. Then again, it's not like there IS a convenient time to die. But it's going to be rough, especially that spring semester. I'm worried I'm going to feel guilt that I'm not spending enough time with her. I should probably talk to it about, but I'm sure she'd rather I concentrate on school and stuff and get a good job. So that's what I'm going to do.
There is one thing I'm going to push though. My mom and I have always wanted to go to New York. Since time is running out now, I'm going to strongly push that we (either just me and my mom, or my whole family) go over Christmas break. One last family trip together. I think that would be a nice way to say goodbye. One last good memories. Because that's what really matters. Life dies, yes. But death does not nullify a life. A life is like a single sound wave. It begins and end. On its own, it's nothing. But combine it with other sound waves of various lengths, and they all play off each other. Then, you have a symphony. I think that's a nice way to describe life.
So yeah, my mom will die. But she will also continue to live through those who remember. Memory will influence us, and we'll influence others. In that way and others, all life is one. Maybe that's why I'm not sadder than I should be. Still feels like I'm doing it wrong though. I don't know. Not sure I care if I'm not doing it right though. All you need to know is this. I love my mommy, and she loves me. And once she's gone, I'll carry on and have a good life. So she can die happy and doesn't have to worry.
In other news, I got a job today. So there's that.
I couldn't think of a better way to start this entry than just coming out and saying that. I don't know how to feel. Sad? Certainly. But how sad? It feels like I should be sadder. But I don't want to be sad. I don't want to make people sad, or have a pity party with me as the guest of honour. You don't need to do anything for me, though it would be nice if you continued to read this. I'm trying to work out how I feel. There isn't anything I can do about this. Nor is there anything anyone can do to make my mom better. Living things die. That's what they do. It's what makes them alive. Some live longer than others. It's totally natural, so what is there to be sad about? Death doesn't matter. Life matters. How or when we die doesn't matter. Nor does how or when we are born. What really matters is how we live. All we can do is make the best of the time allotted to us. All I can do is make the most of the time I have left with my mom.
I'm not a religious man. Quite frankly, I think this world, the world we have here and now, matters more than whatever is next. You spend too much time worrying about where you're not , you don't learn to appreciate where you are. But if there is something next, then I think if you've done good in this world, you'll be fine in the next. So I've no reason to worry about my mom in that regard then. She's a wonderful person who's done lots of good things. And not to boast, but she did raise me. That's not an easy task, cause I was one screwed up little kid. I wouldn't want to raise a me. But in the end, I think I turned out all right. I wouldn't be a fraction of how smart I am now if it weren't for her. She bought me lots of books on sciences and geography and history. And she was always supportive of whatever I did. And if I'm a good person, then it's all because of her.
I'm kind of obsessed with the sadness thing here. It's expected I should be sad, and I assure I have been and will be at times. But I don't want to be consumed by it. Grief. I think that's what I loathe. I don't it to consume me. I don't want to be bound by it. To live my life thinking only of the dead (or soon to be). I have a lot of living left to do, and that what I intend to do. But...Now I think I'm being selfish. Is it wrong to enjoy my life when one so close to me is slowly losing their'? Guilt...another emotion I despise. And I suppose that I should be angry too that she's dying relatively young. That she won't be around anymore and I won't be able to talk to her. She won't see how great I'll become.
Looking ahead, it's going to be rough. I've two semesters left of graduate school. And then finding a job, and moving anywhere. It's not a very convenient time for me. Then again, it's not like there IS a convenient time to die. But it's going to be rough, especially that spring semester. I'm worried I'm going to feel guilt that I'm not spending enough time with her. I should probably talk to it about, but I'm sure she'd rather I concentrate on school and stuff and get a good job. So that's what I'm going to do.
There is one thing I'm going to push though. My mom and I have always wanted to go to New York. Since time is running out now, I'm going to strongly push that we (either just me and my mom, or my whole family) go over Christmas break. One last family trip together. I think that would be a nice way to say goodbye. One last good memories. Because that's what really matters. Life dies, yes. But death does not nullify a life. A life is like a single sound wave. It begins and end. On its own, it's nothing. But combine it with other sound waves of various lengths, and they all play off each other. Then, you have a symphony. I think that's a nice way to describe life.
So yeah, my mom will die. But she will also continue to live through those who remember. Memory will influence us, and we'll influence others. In that way and others, all life is one. Maybe that's why I'm not sadder than I should be. Still feels like I'm doing it wrong though. I don't know. Not sure I care if I'm not doing it right though. All you need to know is this. I love my mommy, and she loves me. And once she's gone, I'll carry on and have a good life. So she can die happy and doesn't have to worry.
In other news, I got a job today. So there's that.