Filk for Future Reference
By far the best Filk I've ever encountered.
The Buff Barbarian Song
a modern parody of Gilbert and Sullivan's
Major-General's Songby Kevin Wald
[We join our operetta already in progress. The infamous Pirates of Pergamum have just seized a bevy of beautiful Mytilenean maidens, and are attempting to carry them off for matrimonial purposes. Gabrielle intervenes, with a recitative (well, it's better than a pan flute solo):]
Gabrielle: Hold, scoundrels! Ere ye practice acts of villainy
Upon the peaceful and agrarian,
Just bear in mind, these maidens of My-TIL-ene[1]
Are guarded by a buff barbarian!
Pirates: We'd better all rethink our cunning plan;
They're guarded by a buff barbarian.
Maidens: Yes, yes, she is a buff barbarian.
[Xena leaps in from the wings, with a tremendous war cry, does a mid-air somersault, and lands on her feet on the Pirate King's chest.]
Xena: Yes, yes, I am a buff barbarian! [The orchestra starts up.]
I am the very model of a heroine barbarian;
Through Herculean efforts, I've become humanitarian.
I ride throughout the hinterland -- at least that's what they call it in
Those sissy towns like Athens (I, myself, am Amphipolitan).
I travel with a poet who is perky and parthenian[2]
And scribbles her hexameters in Linear Mycenian[3]
(And many have attempted, by a host of methods mystical,
To tell if our relationship's sororal or sapphistical).
Chorus: To tell if their relationship's sororal or sapphistical!
To tell if their relationship's sororal or sapphistical!
To tell if their relationship's sororal or sapphisti-phistical!
Xena: My armory is brazen, but my weapons are ironical;
My sword is rather phallic, but my chakram's rather yonical[4]
(To find out what that means, you'll have to study Indo-Aryan[5]).
I am the very model of a heroine barbarian!
Chorus: To find out what that means, we'll have to study Indo-Aryan --
She is the very model of a heroine barbarian!
Xena: I wake up every morning, ere the dawn is rhododactylous[6]
(Who needs to wait for daylight? I just work by sensus tactilis [7].)
And ride into the sunrise to protect some local villagers
From mythologic monsters or from all-too-human pillagers.
I hurtle towards each villain with a recklessness ebullient
And cow him with my swordwork and my alalaes ululient[8];
He's frightened for his head, because he knows I'm gonna whack it ---he's
Aware that his opponent is the Basileia Makhetes!
[The music crashes to a halt, as the Chorus stares at Xena in utter confusion. She sighs.]
It's *Greek*. It means "Warrior Princess"!
[Light dawns on the Chorus, and the music resumes.] Sheesh . . .
Chorus: He knows that his opponent is the Basileia Makhetes!
He knows that his opponent is the Basileia Makhetes!
He knows that his opponent is the Basileia Makhetes!
Xena: Because I've got my armor, which is really rather silly, on
(It's cut so low I feel like I'm the topless tow'rs of Ilion,
And isn't any use against attackers sagittarian[9]).
I am the very model of a heroine barbarian!
Chorus: It isn't any use against attackers sagittarian --
She is the very model of a heroine barbarian!
Xena: In short, when I can tell you how I break the laws of gravity,
And why my togs expose my intermammary concavity,
And why my comrade changed her dress from one that fit more comfily
To one that shows her omphalos[10] (as cute as that of Omphale[11]),
And why the tale of Spartacus appears in Homer's versicon[12],
[She holds up a tomato:]
And where we found examples of the genus Lycopersicon [13],
And why this Grecian scenery looks more like the Antipodes,
You'll say I'm twice the heroine of any in Euripides!
Chorus: We'll say she's twice the heroine of any in Euripides!
We'll say she's twice the heroine of any in Euripides!
We'll say she's twice the heroine of any in Euripi-ripides!
Xena: But though the kinked chronology, confusing and chimerical
(It's often unhistorical, but rarely unhysterical),
Would give a massive heart attack to any antiquarian,
I am the very model of a heroine barbarian!
Chorus: 'Twould give a massive heart attack to any antiquarian --
She is the very model of a heroine barbarian!
[As the orchestra plays the final chords, a wild Xenaesque melee ensues,and the curtain has to be brought down.]
Notes:
[1] Actually, "Mytilene" would properly be accented on the third syllable; Gabrielle always did have trouble with rhymes. (Mytilene, incidentally, is a city on the isle of Lesbos -- the hometown of the poet Sappho, as a matter of fact. It is not clear what, if anything, Gilbert is trying to imply here.)
[2] parthenian: virginal.
[3] Linear Mycenian: Mycenian is the ancient dialect of Greek which was written in Linear B (a form of Greek writing that predates the adoption of the alphabet). The implication is that Gabrielle does her writing in Linear B; if _Xena_ takes place around the time of the Trojan war, this is chronologically reasonable.
[4] yonical: "Yonic" is the female counterpart to "phallic".
[5] Indo-Aryan: The language group consisting of Sanskrit and its close relatives. Both "chakram" and "yonic" are of Sanskrit derivation.
[6] rhododactylous: rosy-fingered. (Homer makes frequent reference to rhododaktulos eos -- "rosy-fingered dawn".)
[7] sensus tactilis: Latin for "the sense of touch".
[8] "Alalaes" are war-cries (the Greeks spelled a Xena-like war cry as alala or alale ) and "ululient" is a coined term, apparently meaning "characterized by ululation".
[9] sagittarian: archer-like.
[10] omphalos: belly-button.
[11] Omphale: Legendary queen of Lydia. From context, we must assume that she had a cute belly-button; however, no known classical source seems to address this vital issue.
[12] versicon: a coined term, apparently meaning "collection of verse".
[13] Lycopersicon : the biological genus to which tomatoes are assigned. (The tomato is a New World plant, and was entirely unknown in the Old World in pre-Columbian times. Thus, having tomatoes in a Xena-ish context is an even greater anachronism than having Homer tell the tale of Spartacus.)
And of course, the one I wrote- to the tune of "My Eyes Are Fully Open" from Ruddigore.
PROLOGUE:
Earth that was found some new planets, there humanity was stationed
Browncoats fought Alliance forces in Wars of Unification.
Now there's peace throughout the galaxy, though central folk are richer
And the border folk don't quite fit in to this idyllic picture.
Border moons are somewhat lacking in the food and sanitations,
While all central planet needs are met by Blue Sun Corporation.
Yes, Alliance people run the 'verse, with wallets getting fatter,
While our heroes feast or famine, but it's usually the latter.
(But it's usually the latter, But it's usually the latter, But it's usually the latter, But it's usually the latter, But it's usually the latter, But it's usually the latter, But it's usually the latter latter latter latter latter! Latter latter latter latter latter latter latter latter latter...)
SIMON:
Some Alliance men conspired 'gainst my genius younger sister,
And I had to break her out 'cause I was worried and I missed her.
So I gave up all my money and my fancy things flambuoyant
To move in here with this ragtag crew and sister who's clairvoyant.
And the only problem now is that our warrants are outstanding,
and my sister's slightly crazy, and there might be a crash landing.
Because if I lost my sister now my sanity would shatter,
So I'll go and bug the captain with my patronizing chatter.
JAYNE:
We're off to steal the payroll from a crappy border moon vault,
And the gorram lack of hand-grenades is all the Captain's fault.
We made off with all the money, but the fugie started screamin',
She could feel the reavers comin', into town they started streamin'.
We got back out to the mule and left in quite a little hurry,
But the reavers were a-chasin' and things got a little blurry.
Then they shot me through the ankle, and I saw the blood go spatter,
But now we've escaped and got away, so now it doesn't matter.
ZOE:
I'm not a one to question all the Captain's motivations,
But his recent actions seem to have some darker explanations.
He seems grittier and warier since 'Nara up and left us,
And at stepping 'round his snarkiness we've gotten rather dextrous.
Now I understand he had to shoot that fella with the reavers,
And I know that since the war he's been the king of unbelievers.
And I'll follow him through space and time and energy and matter,
But it seems his hope is flat and his humanity is flatter.
MAL:
We were fin'lly getting rid of our dear Wanted sibling duo,
We were with Mingo and Fanty, when the Oaty Bars said Hello.
River started quite a tussle and was fighting with a vigor
(Later Mister Universe revealed the Oaty Bars as trigger).
And then Simon said the safe word. Wish he'd sent out memoranda,
Might have saved us all some bruises got from River, not Miranda.
Soon we'll know about the planet, and the scheme to calm the chatter,
Which left bodies and the reavers, which across the 'verse did scatter.
INARA:
Well, the Op'rative was chasing after Mal to get to River,
So he came to the Companion House to get Mal to deliver.
Mal tried to fight but luckily I lit up an explosive,
And when we got away Mal called my influence corrosive.
Now I clearly am not wanted on the ship but I can't flee here,
'cause the op'rative is following, there's no sign of an all-clear.
So I'll leave the place that was my home, my job and alma mater,
And we'll head back down to Haven to see Book and hear the chatter.
BOOK:
They came back down a mite too late for saving all my people,
All the buildings were aflame, that's ev'ry hospital and steeple.
Mal heard my final counsel as I lay there slowly dying,
Then I went and now you'll never hear the tale I've been denying.
Turns out the op'rative's been killing every friend to hide Miranda,
Where the crew is headed next to debunk 'Lliance propaganda.
So they'll hatch a plan for Universe to send along the chatter,
But it's a trap and if they lose the reavers will get fatter.
WASH:
I left my planet early to become a mighty pilot
Now I sneak this ship through space just like a hook goes through an eyelet.
I admit to being scared by all the reavers I'm evading,
But the flying still remains to me an act exhilarating.
Just you watch as I touch down now, ah the moment I will savour...
But not for very long before I'm impaled on a caber.
And my wife is quite the sad one, but the audience is sadder.
The impaler might think he is cruel, but Joss is even Vladder.
KAYLEE:
My eyes are fully open to our fatal circumstances,
I shall go at once to Simon, and on him make my advances.
I shall show him all the talents that a bordergirl amasses,
I will win him, though I know how far that stick that's up his ass is.
Now I do not want to perish from the Reavers or Alliance,
I am more fond of good food and sex than any type of vi'lence.
I've decided that I'm gonna live, I cannot stop to natter.
It's time now to defend our lives, so watch out for the splatter!
RIVER:
While Mal with heavy combat and with broadcasting is busy,
And the crew has lost a lot of blood and Kaylee's getting dizzy,
Now I'll take on every reaver, both the scary and the scruffy,
Then I'll stand there with my weapons like an even tougher Buffy.
It is now becoming clear I am no crazy shrinking violet,
'Cause I'm a kick-ass superhero genius psychic killer pilot,
And though my pretty dress from reaver fights has gotten quite a-tatter,
I am still Joss Whedon's archetype laid on a silver platter.
JOSS:
They said we'd never do it, and they said I couldn't make it,
But I did it and you saw it, let the audience partake it.
It's not perfect but it hits you like a bomb's blast, all atomic,
While there may not be a sequel you can tune in for the comic.
After certain death throes I was subject to your curses,
But you have to hand it to me, I've a knack for building 'verses.
And though your poor emotions I will beat and I will batter,
Like an S/M sub you beg for more, so tell me does it matter?
The Buff Barbarian Song
a modern parody of Gilbert and Sullivan's
Major-General's Songby Kevin Wald
[We join our operetta already in progress. The infamous Pirates of Pergamum have just seized a bevy of beautiful Mytilenean maidens, and are attempting to carry them off for matrimonial purposes. Gabrielle intervenes, with a recitative (well, it's better than a pan flute solo):]
Gabrielle: Hold, scoundrels! Ere ye practice acts of villainy
Upon the peaceful and agrarian,
Just bear in mind, these maidens of My-TIL-ene[1]
Are guarded by a buff barbarian!
Pirates: We'd better all rethink our cunning plan;
They're guarded by a buff barbarian.
Maidens: Yes, yes, she is a buff barbarian.
[Xena leaps in from the wings, with a tremendous war cry, does a mid-air somersault, and lands on her feet on the Pirate King's chest.]
Xena: Yes, yes, I am a buff barbarian! [The orchestra starts up.]
I am the very model of a heroine barbarian;
Through Herculean efforts, I've become humanitarian.
I ride throughout the hinterland -- at least that's what they call it in
Those sissy towns like Athens (I, myself, am Amphipolitan).
I travel with a poet who is perky and parthenian[2]
And scribbles her hexameters in Linear Mycenian[3]
(And many have attempted, by a host of methods mystical,
To tell if our relationship's sororal or sapphistical).
Chorus: To tell if their relationship's sororal or sapphistical!
To tell if their relationship's sororal or sapphistical!
To tell if their relationship's sororal or sapphisti-phistical!
Xena: My armory is brazen, but my weapons are ironical;
My sword is rather phallic, but my chakram's rather yonical[4]
(To find out what that means, you'll have to study Indo-Aryan[5]).
I am the very model of a heroine barbarian!
Chorus: To find out what that means, we'll have to study Indo-Aryan --
She is the very model of a heroine barbarian!
Xena: I wake up every morning, ere the dawn is rhododactylous[6]
(Who needs to wait for daylight? I just work by sensus tactilis [7].)
And ride into the sunrise to protect some local villagers
From mythologic monsters or from all-too-human pillagers.
I hurtle towards each villain with a recklessness ebullient
And cow him with my swordwork and my alalaes ululient[8];
He's frightened for his head, because he knows I'm gonna whack it ---he's
Aware that his opponent is the Basileia Makhetes!
[The music crashes to a halt, as the Chorus stares at Xena in utter confusion. She sighs.]
It's *Greek*. It means "Warrior Princess"!
[Light dawns on the Chorus, and the music resumes.] Sheesh . . .
Chorus: He knows that his opponent is the Basileia Makhetes!
He knows that his opponent is the Basileia Makhetes!
He knows that his opponent is the Basileia Makhetes!
Xena: Because I've got my armor, which is really rather silly, on
(It's cut so low I feel like I'm the topless tow'rs of Ilion,
And isn't any use against attackers sagittarian[9]).
I am the very model of a heroine barbarian!
Chorus: It isn't any use against attackers sagittarian --
She is the very model of a heroine barbarian!
Xena: In short, when I can tell you how I break the laws of gravity,
And why my togs expose my intermammary concavity,
And why my comrade changed her dress from one that fit more comfily
To one that shows her omphalos[10] (as cute as that of Omphale[11]),
And why the tale of Spartacus appears in Homer's versicon[12],
[She holds up a tomato:]
And where we found examples of the genus Lycopersicon [13],
And why this Grecian scenery looks more like the Antipodes,
You'll say I'm twice the heroine of any in Euripides!
Chorus: We'll say she's twice the heroine of any in Euripides!
We'll say she's twice the heroine of any in Euripides!
We'll say she's twice the heroine of any in Euripi-ripides!
Xena: But though the kinked chronology, confusing and chimerical
(It's often unhistorical, but rarely unhysterical),
Would give a massive heart attack to any antiquarian,
I am the very model of a heroine barbarian!
Chorus: 'Twould give a massive heart attack to any antiquarian --
She is the very model of a heroine barbarian!
[As the orchestra plays the final chords, a wild Xenaesque melee ensues,and the curtain has to be brought down.]
Notes:
[1] Actually, "Mytilene" would properly be accented on the third syllable; Gabrielle always did have trouble with rhymes. (Mytilene, incidentally, is a city on the isle of Lesbos -- the hometown of the poet Sappho, as a matter of fact. It is not clear what, if anything, Gilbert is trying to imply here.)
[2] parthenian: virginal.
[3] Linear Mycenian: Mycenian is the ancient dialect of Greek which was written in Linear B (a form of Greek writing that predates the adoption of the alphabet). The implication is that Gabrielle does her writing in Linear B; if _Xena_ takes place around the time of the Trojan war, this is chronologically reasonable.
[4] yonical: "Yonic" is the female counterpart to "phallic".
[5] Indo-Aryan: The language group consisting of Sanskrit and its close relatives. Both "chakram" and "yonic" are of Sanskrit derivation.
[6] rhododactylous: rosy-fingered. (Homer makes frequent reference to rhododaktulos eos -- "rosy-fingered dawn".)
[7] sensus tactilis: Latin for "the sense of touch".
[8] "Alalaes" are war-cries (the Greeks spelled a Xena-like war cry as alala or alale ) and "ululient" is a coined term, apparently meaning "characterized by ululation".
[9] sagittarian: archer-like.
[10] omphalos: belly-button.
[11] Omphale: Legendary queen of Lydia. From context, we must assume that she had a cute belly-button; however, no known classical source seems to address this vital issue.
[12] versicon: a coined term, apparently meaning "collection of verse".
[13] Lycopersicon : the biological genus to which tomatoes are assigned. (The tomato is a New World plant, and was entirely unknown in the Old World in pre-Columbian times. Thus, having tomatoes in a Xena-ish context is an even greater anachronism than having Homer tell the tale of Spartacus.)
And of course, the one I wrote- to the tune of "My Eyes Are Fully Open" from Ruddigore.
PROLOGUE:
Earth that was found some new planets, there humanity was stationed
Browncoats fought Alliance forces in Wars of Unification.
Now there's peace throughout the galaxy, though central folk are richer
And the border folk don't quite fit in to this idyllic picture.
Border moons are somewhat lacking in the food and sanitations,
While all central planet needs are met by Blue Sun Corporation.
Yes, Alliance people run the 'verse, with wallets getting fatter,
While our heroes feast or famine, but it's usually the latter.
(But it's usually the latter, But it's usually the latter, But it's usually the latter, But it's usually the latter, But it's usually the latter, But it's usually the latter, But it's usually the latter latter latter latter latter! Latter latter latter latter latter latter latter latter latter...)
SIMON:
Some Alliance men conspired 'gainst my genius younger sister,
And I had to break her out 'cause I was worried and I missed her.
So I gave up all my money and my fancy things flambuoyant
To move in here with this ragtag crew and sister who's clairvoyant.
And the only problem now is that our warrants are outstanding,
and my sister's slightly crazy, and there might be a crash landing.
Because if I lost my sister now my sanity would shatter,
So I'll go and bug the captain with my patronizing chatter.
JAYNE:
We're off to steal the payroll from a crappy border moon vault,
And the gorram lack of hand-grenades is all the Captain's fault.
We made off with all the money, but the fugie started screamin',
She could feel the reavers comin', into town they started streamin'.
We got back out to the mule and left in quite a little hurry,
But the reavers were a-chasin' and things got a little blurry.
Then they shot me through the ankle, and I saw the blood go spatter,
But now we've escaped and got away, so now it doesn't matter.
ZOE:
I'm not a one to question all the Captain's motivations,
But his recent actions seem to have some darker explanations.
He seems grittier and warier since 'Nara up and left us,
And at stepping 'round his snarkiness we've gotten rather dextrous.
Now I understand he had to shoot that fella with the reavers,
And I know that since the war he's been the king of unbelievers.
And I'll follow him through space and time and energy and matter,
But it seems his hope is flat and his humanity is flatter.
MAL:
We were fin'lly getting rid of our dear Wanted sibling duo,
We were with Mingo and Fanty, when the Oaty Bars said Hello.
River started quite a tussle and was fighting with a vigor
(Later Mister Universe revealed the Oaty Bars as trigger).
And then Simon said the safe word. Wish he'd sent out memoranda,
Might have saved us all some bruises got from River, not Miranda.
Soon we'll know about the planet, and the scheme to calm the chatter,
Which left bodies and the reavers, which across the 'verse did scatter.
INARA:
Well, the Op'rative was chasing after Mal to get to River,
So he came to the Companion House to get Mal to deliver.
Mal tried to fight but luckily I lit up an explosive,
And when we got away Mal called my influence corrosive.
Now I clearly am not wanted on the ship but I can't flee here,
'cause the op'rative is following, there's no sign of an all-clear.
So I'll leave the place that was my home, my job and alma mater,
And we'll head back down to Haven to see Book and hear the chatter.
BOOK:
They came back down a mite too late for saving all my people,
All the buildings were aflame, that's ev'ry hospital and steeple.
Mal heard my final counsel as I lay there slowly dying,
Then I went and now you'll never hear the tale I've been denying.
Turns out the op'rative's been killing every friend to hide Miranda,
Where the crew is headed next to debunk 'Lliance propaganda.
So they'll hatch a plan for Universe to send along the chatter,
But it's a trap and if they lose the reavers will get fatter.
WASH:
I left my planet early to become a mighty pilot
Now I sneak this ship through space just like a hook goes through an eyelet.
I admit to being scared by all the reavers I'm evading,
But the flying still remains to me an act exhilarating.
Just you watch as I touch down now, ah the moment I will savour...
But not for very long before I'm impaled on a caber.
And my wife is quite the sad one, but the audience is sadder.
The impaler might think he is cruel, but Joss is even Vladder.
KAYLEE:
My eyes are fully open to our fatal circumstances,
I shall go at once to Simon, and on him make my advances.
I shall show him all the talents that a bordergirl amasses,
I will win him, though I know how far that stick that's up his ass is.
Now I do not want to perish from the Reavers or Alliance,
I am more fond of good food and sex than any type of vi'lence.
I've decided that I'm gonna live, I cannot stop to natter.
It's time now to defend our lives, so watch out for the splatter!
RIVER:
While Mal with heavy combat and with broadcasting is busy,
And the crew has lost a lot of blood and Kaylee's getting dizzy,
Now I'll take on every reaver, both the scary and the scruffy,
Then I'll stand there with my weapons like an even tougher Buffy.
It is now becoming clear I am no crazy shrinking violet,
'Cause I'm a kick-ass superhero genius psychic killer pilot,
And though my pretty dress from reaver fights has gotten quite a-tatter,
I am still Joss Whedon's archetype laid on a silver platter.
JOSS:
They said we'd never do it, and they said I couldn't make it,
But I did it and you saw it, let the audience partake it.
It's not perfect but it hits you like a bomb's blast, all atomic,
While there may not be a sequel you can tune in for the comic.
After certain death throes I was subject to your curses,
But you have to hand it to me, I've a knack for building 'verses.
And though your poor emotions I will beat and I will batter,
Like an S/M sub you beg for more, so tell me does it matter?