must vent.
its been awhile since i tried this.
dunno what else to do.
been feeling very alienated these days.
ive been pretty balls out raw for the past couple of years and ive really tried to be more self contained lately.
instead of mindlessly unloading my problems on anyone who will listen like i always have, ive employed a few much needed filters to myself.
before launching into my introspective diatribes, i find myself thinking "does this person really give a shit? have they given me any reason to believe they would rather talk about how shitty my day was than think about something uplifting? why should anyone feel this way to begin with?"
everybody has their own problems to deal with, and nobody needs mine.
so if i dont have something nice to say, its best to say nothing at all rather than bring everyone down with my melodrama.
the listening public seems largely appreciative, but my mind is twisting under the pressure thats built up over time.
i feel like i have to censor myself in order to maintain some image of consistency.
for the first time, im forcing myself to be more of an adult.
if its supposed to be natural, why does it burn and stab so hard?
part of me misses having somebody around to at least pretend like they care about every inane detail of my daily existence.
dunno why that always seemed to make the daily load lighter.
these days i dont feel like theres much of anyone i can just open up all the way and vent to anymore.
i cant think of a single person who can say they know me better than anyone else right now.
very few people have bothered to get to know the scary new person ive become.
theres nobody around on a daily basis to piss me off and make me cry.
theres also nobody around who loves me with all their heart and wants me to be happy.
i guess i have to start doing that part myself.
i dont miss many things about being in a relationship, but i do miss the illusion of unconditional love and support on a daily basis when im trying to get through a tough semester. sadly i dont think ill ever fall for it again, but it sure was nice while it lasted.
test 3 is tomorrow.
i got a 60 and a d on my first 2, even after not missing any class, taking notes, recording lectures, enjoying the material, and general studying.
ive always had a huge problem with taking tests.
this semester is no different.
no matter how hard i study, i always draw a blank once im in front of the test.
its not just tests either.
this problem is why i never got cast in any school plays even though i tried out for every one.
i would spent weeks memorizing monologues only to forget them as soon as im in front of the director.
deep in my heart, i can always hear the voice of my father saying that i must not be studying correctly or hard enough or long enough. but this semester i know thats just not true. there really is no good reason why i should be bombing tests on material i so thoroughly enjoy interacting with.
recently i learned about something called test anxiety, and i think i have it.
ive talked to my professors at school about it and they recommended that i speak to the office of student disabilities for special treatment during tests. so i did. only to find out that any assistance would have to follow a full psychiatric evaluation to the tune of about 500 dollars which, of course, i am in no position to cover. i called my dad to see if he could give me back some of the money he insisted on "saving for me" when i got my loan refund, but of course he hasnt had work in a month and now has to make his way back up to ohio to help his father deal with grandmas death, so he doesnt have anything for me. he also gave me the same stupid speech hes always given me when i complain about how abnormally difficult tests are for me to deal with. it made me cry silently in the school cafeteria.
so now i just have to buck up and find a way around this on my own.
just keep studying and hope one day things begin to make sense.
i spent six hours studying in the library at school today for tomorrows exam.
i was told i would be joined by a study group from my class, but nobody showed up.
so i found a group of bio majors in the library and drilled them a little with my questions.
this is the first semester in a year and a half where my teachers have taken attendance.
this means ive been attending class a lot more regularly than normal.
my schedule has me on campus from 8am until 8pm on tuesdays and thursdays.
i take marta up in the morning and i dont leave until my last class lets out.
ive never spent full days on campus like this in all my years of college.
its affecting everything.
but i still cant seem to pass a damn test.
after all the studying today i came home to try and shut my head off, but as you can see it isnt working too well.
i wanted to go to sleep right after dinner.
so badly.
but as soon as i walked up the stairs, something happened inside my head.
ive had variations of this experience before, but this one was by far the most intense.
i lost control of my mind for a bit.
i collapsed on the couch and did not move for a long time.
my pulse was racing and i couldnt get a grip on my mental processes.
i forgot to breathe for a few minutes, then i breathed extra hard for awhile.
my extremities felt very cold but were warm to the touch.
my stomach was in knots.
i wanted to throw up.
but i couldnt make my legs walk to the toilet.
i lay there in a pile for about 20 minutes before i was able to move the operation to my bed.
since then, i havent really felt like i have myself under control, but at least i am laying comfortably.
i cant seem to make myself feel sleepy even though i am mentally exhausted to the max.
my temples are throbbing and the waves of nausea have been coming and going.
at least the stomach ache finally went away, that shit was pretty annoying.
what the FUCK is wrong with me?
will i ever sort my life out?
all this over a stupid fucking test thats covering shit i should remember from high school?
i guess thats what i get for trying too hard to be a grown up.
dunno what else to do.
been feeling very alienated these days.
ive been pretty balls out raw for the past couple of years and ive really tried to be more self contained lately.
instead of mindlessly unloading my problems on anyone who will listen like i always have, ive employed a few much needed filters to myself.
before launching into my introspective diatribes, i find myself thinking "does this person really give a shit? have they given me any reason to believe they would rather talk about how shitty my day was than think about something uplifting? why should anyone feel this way to begin with?"
everybody has their own problems to deal with, and nobody needs mine.
so if i dont have something nice to say, its best to say nothing at all rather than bring everyone down with my melodrama.
the listening public seems largely appreciative, but my mind is twisting under the pressure thats built up over time.
i feel like i have to censor myself in order to maintain some image of consistency.
for the first time, im forcing myself to be more of an adult.
if its supposed to be natural, why does it burn and stab so hard?
part of me misses having somebody around to at least pretend like they care about every inane detail of my daily existence.
dunno why that always seemed to make the daily load lighter.
these days i dont feel like theres much of anyone i can just open up all the way and vent to anymore.
i cant think of a single person who can say they know me better than anyone else right now.
very few people have bothered to get to know the scary new person ive become.
theres nobody around on a daily basis to piss me off and make me cry.
theres also nobody around who loves me with all their heart and wants me to be happy.
i guess i have to start doing that part myself.
i dont miss many things about being in a relationship, but i do miss the illusion of unconditional love and support on a daily basis when im trying to get through a tough semester. sadly i dont think ill ever fall for it again, but it sure was nice while it lasted.
test 3 is tomorrow.
i got a 60 and a d on my first 2, even after not missing any class, taking notes, recording lectures, enjoying the material, and general studying.
ive always had a huge problem with taking tests.
this semester is no different.
no matter how hard i study, i always draw a blank once im in front of the test.
its not just tests either.
this problem is why i never got cast in any school plays even though i tried out for every one.
i would spent weeks memorizing monologues only to forget them as soon as im in front of the director.
deep in my heart, i can always hear the voice of my father saying that i must not be studying correctly or hard enough or long enough. but this semester i know thats just not true. there really is no good reason why i should be bombing tests on material i so thoroughly enjoy interacting with.
recently i learned about something called test anxiety, and i think i have it.
ive talked to my professors at school about it and they recommended that i speak to the office of student disabilities for special treatment during tests. so i did. only to find out that any assistance would have to follow a full psychiatric evaluation to the tune of about 500 dollars which, of course, i am in no position to cover. i called my dad to see if he could give me back some of the money he insisted on "saving for me" when i got my loan refund, but of course he hasnt had work in a month and now has to make his way back up to ohio to help his father deal with grandmas death, so he doesnt have anything for me. he also gave me the same stupid speech hes always given me when i complain about how abnormally difficult tests are for me to deal with. it made me cry silently in the school cafeteria.
so now i just have to buck up and find a way around this on my own.
just keep studying and hope one day things begin to make sense.
i spent six hours studying in the library at school today for tomorrows exam.
i was told i would be joined by a study group from my class, but nobody showed up.
so i found a group of bio majors in the library and drilled them a little with my questions.
this is the first semester in a year and a half where my teachers have taken attendance.
this means ive been attending class a lot more regularly than normal.
my schedule has me on campus from 8am until 8pm on tuesdays and thursdays.
i take marta up in the morning and i dont leave until my last class lets out.
ive never spent full days on campus like this in all my years of college.
its affecting everything.
but i still cant seem to pass a damn test.
after all the studying today i came home to try and shut my head off, but as you can see it isnt working too well.
i wanted to go to sleep right after dinner.
so badly.
but as soon as i walked up the stairs, something happened inside my head.
ive had variations of this experience before, but this one was by far the most intense.
i lost control of my mind for a bit.
i collapsed on the couch and did not move for a long time.
my pulse was racing and i couldnt get a grip on my mental processes.
i forgot to breathe for a few minutes, then i breathed extra hard for awhile.
my extremities felt very cold but were warm to the touch.
my stomach was in knots.
i wanted to throw up.
but i couldnt make my legs walk to the toilet.
i lay there in a pile for about 20 minutes before i was able to move the operation to my bed.
since then, i havent really felt like i have myself under control, but at least i am laying comfortably.
i cant seem to make myself feel sleepy even though i am mentally exhausted to the max.
my temples are throbbing and the waves of nausea have been coming and going.
at least the stomach ache finally went away, that shit was pretty annoying.
what the FUCK is wrong with me?
will i ever sort my life out?
all this over a stupid fucking test thats covering shit i should remember from high school?
i guess thats what i get for trying too hard to be a grown up.