(no subject)
ive just broke down.
sometimes i want to scream and cry until my throat rebels and ruptures....punch and kick until im dripping with blood... cry until there is absolutely NOTHING wet left inside of me...
i wish i was the girl....the girl with the flat tummy... the gorgeous hipbones... the perfectly toned arms.. the long smooth legs... the slender neck... the pretty face...
but no... instead i was given a fat horrible looking body. i was born like this. and i was lazy and ate and made myself like this. i hate myself soo much. i just stare in the mirror and cry until i cant cry anymore... i pick at my body and pinch the fat until i have bruises...
why couldnt i have been a lucky one?
some girls dont even have to work out and all they do is eat but they NEVER gain a pound.
i eat a fucking bowl of cereal and gain 20 fucking pounds overnite.
working out is SO hard. i mean i like to. i feel good. i get more energy... but i have soo much to fucking do.
i have to work... worry about skool and homework... worry about my mom... be with john..
i have to balance it all.. and i cant. but from now on... im limiting myself. no matter WHAT.... im working out someway somehow every fucking day. i really wanna start swimming though... like going to the pool and doing laps and shiz. i loved doing that when i lost the 70 pounds i did before. EVEN THOUGH ive gained 30 back. which is devastating.. but i couldnt help it.. for a while i plauteaud... i just stopped losing weight even though i was eating next to nothign and training so hard... and that discouraged me.. and i jsut stopped.
i need to get back. i need to be pretty. i want to feel happy with myself.
i want john to want me... i want girls to want to be me... i want to be the pretty one...
but no. im just the girl that you point to and say "THATS HER."
for all of you that are 100-150 pounds... your beautiful. stop saying your fat. you were blessed with a beautiful body... and if you dont see it... everyone else does.
for one of my close friends...you know who you are... girlie you are beautiful. you look so sad sometimes and i just want to run up to you and hug you and tell you your beautiful and everything is going to be okay and your jerk of a boyfriend shouldnt treat you the way he does....welll... i know you two arent going out... but.. still.. i know how you feel. and sam can just go die. but seriously. your so pretty. dont torture yourself with not eating.. saying your fat... and being miserable. your one of the prettiest girls ive ever known..
i just want to be thin. because in this world... thin is beautiful. beautiful means you MUST be thin.
and im GOING to be beautiful.