Just to put this out there
As I sit here wondering what I should write about, I figure just to randomly type everything I need to put out there in this, the blog.
I know my profile says my name but, I'm Fey and I have the most gorgeous daughter in the universe, her name is Catty. We're having trouble paying bills and things like that but, I know that when she smiles at me, that everything will turn out for the better. She's 3 months old and turning 4 months on the 8th of January. I've lost basically all the baby weight which was easy. I've lost the love my life (and no do not discriminate me for my age), her daddy, because he wanted to lie and play games after he went back to Chicago which ultimately, got him terminated from the job he had here making somewhat good money. He thought he'd get farther with lies and games, but in the end, he lost basically, so far, everything.
I've been sitting here contemplating what to do and can't come up with anything. Either choices I have, all end up with me losing or somebody getting hurt. I don't have my own life or voice anymore because, there's that one person who wants to control or threaten it all. So, honestly? I don't know what to do. I've known nothing of this love till now and I have no idea what to believe or not to believe, for that matter. I listen to music to try and guide me but, it's not helping this time because, all I'm listening to is music about being broken or brokenhearted. I need guidance or advice. I feel so depressed that I have voices and thoughts within my head that are screaming at me but, I can't make sense of them. The scary part is, I think they know it, the voices that is. They know I'm walking in the darkness and they have power within it. They feed on me like there's no tomorrow, like there's going to be a slow, painful massacre of my mind. My mind is no longer my own and I just now realized it enough to admit it.
When I said that I have been listening to broken type music, it's true.
Try this lyric out:
"Broken the clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Thought I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best"
That song has hit me so hard because of him that it makes me want to cry every time and I don't know why honestly. When the song goes into "In your name, I find meaning", I listen to a voicemail of his saying he loves me but, I have to wonder if it was all a game or lie because, he lied and played a stupid game for almost a month. He left me and his daughter, here, to fend for ourselves and I'm still holding on to a shred of hope that he does love me, that he does want to be with me because, I want to believe his words that he says to me saying he does but my mind says don't and yet, my heart says hold on tight and never let go of this one. I've been in some pretty screwed up relationships yet, my heart screams for him, longs for him like no other. We treat each other like crap sometimes and say some pretty screwed up things but, in the end, we still love each other. I still want to fall asleep next to him, angry or upset even, and hear him say he loves me because, when I lay my head down on his chest, that heartbeat, lulls me to sleep every time. That's the honest truth.
I'm just afraid of being hurt, repetitively again because, my heart, mind, soul can't take much more till I really break apart and fade away as quick as I appear in others lives. I can whisper words in their ears saying I'm gone, I disappeared into the atmosphere because, I couldn't take it anymore. I may appear strong but, I'm not. I'm like that puppy or kitten you see on the side of the road, freaked out and scared out of its mind because, the world is a scary place for them outside. And then, the next day you see them on the side of the road again, yowling in pain because some heartless, cruel person hit them, car or fist, and you stop to help them out because, you feel sorry for them. I'm that animal you see and I wish I could've had that help when I began to shatter. I'm probably going to be seeing my doctor for mental help because, right now, I feel unstable, mentally and emotionally. I just want to burst into tears, screams, cries and other things of depression and anger for no particular reason at all but, in the end? I can't because, then somebody may get offended or ask why. I don't feel like explaining anymore that the one person I wanted to be with, nobody wants me to be with and everybody doesn't want me to ever see again.
So, I hold all this in, well until now as I type this out to nobody in the world out there in the internet. Maybe, he'll read this and maybe somebody else will but its out there and there's no taking it back. Maybe if he reads this, he'll understand why I can't openly admit I so desperately love him and wish he'd had been here to grab me close to him and hold onto me like nobody else in the world matters. What nobody seems to understand, through all the BS and drama, he is different from every guy I've gone out with, even if he does sometimes act like a douchebigalow (my own word I know) and hurt my feelings but, you know what? That's life for you. Life isn't easy and neither is love. If it was, then we wouldn't have karma and we wouldn't have wars. I want to be able to choose who I want to be with without anyone else getting upset but, I can't because no matter how much I argue and fight it, that's the type of peoples I have in my life. Maybe, everything I life or want should be at a distance so, I can live in a shelter with a bubble of me inside withering away. Sounds nice, doesn't it? No? Too bad because, that's what's happening, honestly it is.
His and I's pictures are still up on myspace where I look at them, everyday and get even more depressed. That's the life I'm living and I have no idea what to do. But, on a lighter note, I need my netbook (laptop) fixed because, the motherboard, somehow, has liquid damage and it'll cost $225, which I will probably never have. My dream laptop, lusting and wanting since forever, will cost $1200 which I know I will never have but, oh well. I'm failing miserably at school because, I can't focused on anything really anymore besides being depressed and keeping my mind busy until he calls then when he does, I try to build myself back together and it's not working to well. I caught myself almost whispering something to him that my heart so desperately wants me to say but, I won't and I don't know why.
Maybe in my next journal entry I'll write somewhere in the near future, possibly, I'll have the answer until then I don't. I'm lonely and tired of going to my room feeling empty. The other day I put his stuff in his bags and I cried, so hard, I almost couldn't breathe or see because, my heart was far worse than shattered and falling deeper into despair. I look at my closet for a long period of time in the morning and have to remind myself to stop. I couldn't pack everything considering I still have a couple of his worn shirts in my room exactly where he left them. Pathetic, I know but, still. I caught myself holding one to my face to catch some of his scent to remind me of him there with me. My heart plunged out of my chest and continued down the black abyss hole that I couldn't see the bottom of, honestly? I don't think I'd want to because, I'm afraid of what's down there and I know nobody's catching me or seeing me slowly fading away. All they care about is the next thing to hurt me, I can't take much more honestly. All I want now is a hug and there's nobody to give me one that will know, truthfully, how I feel. I'm only as strong as this mask I wear for everyone, everyday, and slowly, that too, is shattering. Someone out there, if anyone reads that can comment, give opinions because, I don't know how to deal or what to do anymore.
Once upon 3 years ago, I met this boy and fell so hard that I didn't know which way to turn and be myself because, all I wanted was him. All I wanted was to be with him. Once upon 2 years ago, this boy broke my heart once. Once upon 1 year ago, he broke it again. Once upon this year, I still want him no matter what happens because, I can't stop loving him or letting my heart have his name tattooed on it. I'd take a stabbing, shooting, beating, anything to be with this boy but, he wouldn't do the same. I'd take hurtful words from his friends and family to prove a point but, don't think I'd stand there and not have something to say back to them. But, I do love him, IN LOVE with him and yet, I don't know why anymore. I don't know what to think and I don't know how to hold myself up anymore. Most days, I don't know if I want to get out of bed but, when I hear my Catty, I know I'll be alright later in this game of LIFE. She smiles at me, and I smile at her. She grr's at me and I do the same. She's my world and knows it. I see him in her and fake a smile sometimes at her but, you know that babies sense if something's wrong. She knows and gets a pissy face at me.
The girl nobody thought would end up falling in love then letting a guy shatter her beyond belief, did and let it happen. The one nobody thoughts could cry, does. The one nobody thought would ever be in love, is now. The one nobody thought could break, shattered. The one nobody thought could be fake, is great at it.
I'll post another entry later probably.9
I know my profile says my name but, I'm Fey and I have the most gorgeous daughter in the universe, her name is Catty. We're having trouble paying bills and things like that but, I know that when she smiles at me, that everything will turn out for the better. She's 3 months old and turning 4 months on the 8th of January. I've lost basically all the baby weight which was easy. I've lost the love my life (and no do not discriminate me for my age), her daddy, because he wanted to lie and play games after he went back to Chicago which ultimately, got him terminated from the job he had here making somewhat good money. He thought he'd get farther with lies and games, but in the end, he lost basically, so far, everything.
I've been sitting here contemplating what to do and can't come up with anything. Either choices I have, all end up with me losing or somebody getting hurt. I don't have my own life or voice anymore because, there's that one person who wants to control or threaten it all. So, honestly? I don't know what to do. I've known nothing of this love till now and I have no idea what to believe or not to believe, for that matter. I listen to music to try and guide me but, it's not helping this time because, all I'm listening to is music about being broken or brokenhearted. I need guidance or advice. I feel so depressed that I have voices and thoughts within my head that are screaming at me but, I can't make sense of them. The scary part is, I think they know it, the voices that is. They know I'm walking in the darkness and they have power within it. They feed on me like there's no tomorrow, like there's going to be a slow, painful massacre of my mind. My mind is no longer my own and I just now realized it enough to admit it.
When I said that I have been listening to broken type music, it's true.
Try this lyric out:
"Broken the clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Thought I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best"
That song has hit me so hard because of him that it makes me want to cry every time and I don't know why honestly. When the song goes into "In your name, I find meaning", I listen to a voicemail of his saying he loves me but, I have to wonder if it was all a game or lie because, he lied and played a stupid game for almost a month. He left me and his daughter, here, to fend for ourselves and I'm still holding on to a shred of hope that he does love me, that he does want to be with me because, I want to believe his words that he says to me saying he does but my mind says don't and yet, my heart says hold on tight and never let go of this one. I've been in some pretty screwed up relationships yet, my heart screams for him, longs for him like no other. We treat each other like crap sometimes and say some pretty screwed up things but, in the end, we still love each other. I still want to fall asleep next to him, angry or upset even, and hear him say he loves me because, when I lay my head down on his chest, that heartbeat, lulls me to sleep every time. That's the honest truth.
I'm just afraid of being hurt, repetitively again because, my heart, mind, soul can't take much more till I really break apart and fade away as quick as I appear in others lives. I can whisper words in their ears saying I'm gone, I disappeared into the atmosphere because, I couldn't take it anymore. I may appear strong but, I'm not. I'm like that puppy or kitten you see on the side of the road, freaked out and scared out of its mind because, the world is a scary place for them outside. And then, the next day you see them on the side of the road again, yowling in pain because some heartless, cruel person hit them, car or fist, and you stop to help them out because, you feel sorry for them. I'm that animal you see and I wish I could've had that help when I began to shatter. I'm probably going to be seeing my doctor for mental help because, right now, I feel unstable, mentally and emotionally. I just want to burst into tears, screams, cries and other things of depression and anger for no particular reason at all but, in the end? I can't because, then somebody may get offended or ask why. I don't feel like explaining anymore that the one person I wanted to be with, nobody wants me to be with and everybody doesn't want me to ever see again.
So, I hold all this in, well until now as I type this out to nobody in the world out there in the internet. Maybe, he'll read this and maybe somebody else will but its out there and there's no taking it back. Maybe if he reads this, he'll understand why I can't openly admit I so desperately love him and wish he'd had been here to grab me close to him and hold onto me like nobody else in the world matters. What nobody seems to understand, through all the BS and drama, he is different from every guy I've gone out with, even if he does sometimes act like a douchebigalow (my own word I know) and hurt my feelings but, you know what? That's life for you. Life isn't easy and neither is love. If it was, then we wouldn't have karma and we wouldn't have wars. I want to be able to choose who I want to be with without anyone else getting upset but, I can't because no matter how much I argue and fight it, that's the type of peoples I have in my life. Maybe, everything I life or want should be at a distance so, I can live in a shelter with a bubble of me inside withering away. Sounds nice, doesn't it? No? Too bad because, that's what's happening, honestly it is.
His and I's pictures are still up on myspace where I look at them, everyday and get even more depressed. That's the life I'm living and I have no idea what to do. But, on a lighter note, I need my netbook (laptop) fixed because, the motherboard, somehow, has liquid damage and it'll cost $225, which I will probably never have. My dream laptop, lusting and wanting since forever, will cost $1200 which I know I will never have but, oh well. I'm failing miserably at school because, I can't focused on anything really anymore besides being depressed and keeping my mind busy until he calls then when he does, I try to build myself back together and it's not working to well. I caught myself almost whispering something to him that my heart so desperately wants me to say but, I won't and I don't know why.
Maybe in my next journal entry I'll write somewhere in the near future, possibly, I'll have the answer until then I don't. I'm lonely and tired of going to my room feeling empty. The other day I put his stuff in his bags and I cried, so hard, I almost couldn't breathe or see because, my heart was far worse than shattered and falling deeper into despair. I look at my closet for a long period of time in the morning and have to remind myself to stop. I couldn't pack everything considering I still have a couple of his worn shirts in my room exactly where he left them. Pathetic, I know but, still. I caught myself holding one to my face to catch some of his scent to remind me of him there with me. My heart plunged out of my chest and continued down the black abyss hole that I couldn't see the bottom of, honestly? I don't think I'd want to because, I'm afraid of what's down there and I know nobody's catching me or seeing me slowly fading away. All they care about is the next thing to hurt me, I can't take much more honestly. All I want now is a hug and there's nobody to give me one that will know, truthfully, how I feel. I'm only as strong as this mask I wear for everyone, everyday, and slowly, that too, is shattering. Someone out there, if anyone reads that can comment, give opinions because, I don't know how to deal or what to do anymore.
Once upon 3 years ago, I met this boy and fell so hard that I didn't know which way to turn and be myself because, all I wanted was him. All I wanted was to be with him. Once upon 2 years ago, this boy broke my heart once. Once upon 1 year ago, he broke it again. Once upon this year, I still want him no matter what happens because, I can't stop loving him or letting my heart have his name tattooed on it. I'd take a stabbing, shooting, beating, anything to be with this boy but, he wouldn't do the same. I'd take hurtful words from his friends and family to prove a point but, don't think I'd stand there and not have something to say back to them. But, I do love him, IN LOVE with him and yet, I don't know why anymore. I don't know what to think and I don't know how to hold myself up anymore. Most days, I don't know if I want to get out of bed but, when I hear my Catty, I know I'll be alright later in this game of LIFE. She smiles at me, and I smile at her. She grr's at me and I do the same. She's my world and knows it. I see him in her and fake a smile sometimes at her but, you know that babies sense if something's wrong. She knows and gets a pissy face at me.
The girl nobody thought would end up falling in love then letting a guy shatter her beyond belief, did and let it happen. The one nobody thoughts could cry, does. The one nobody thought would ever be in love, is now. The one nobody thought could break, shattered. The one nobody thought could be fake, is great at it.
I'll post another entry later probably.9