(no subject)
I'm giving up on playing music -- and it's all the Hold Steady's fault. The singer looked so fucking happy on stage but then afterwords, drinking a beer with him he was so, well not depressed, but not grinning like a goon on steroids that I just wanted to start doing the charleston to make him smile, and I kind of realized the energy it takes to fulfill people's needs. I think I could do it- actually I know I could, but I would hate the feeling of hanging out with people afterwords and not being what they loved, just being this kind of curmudgeon of a fucker with her dress all torn and her mind elsewhere. Lately I get that feeling whenever I come home from a really great night. It's like, I know I've made somebody feel like a million bucks, but it's only because I'm drawing on every ounce of my energy that makes people excited, and then I get home and I'm not this bombastic lucid lunatic, I'm just some girl in a big apartment and I feel so guilty for making people happy, like it's all under false pretenses. I think if I started preforming I would just feel that way, only worse. That and I'm never going to be able to write a song that will make people want to strap on their stilletos and howl. Anyways it's Christmas Eve and i need to sleep or Santa won't make it down the chimney, so Merry Christmas, lovers. XO