back in the country...
Last week was one of the longest, hardest and most confusing I've had in a while. Never schedule all three of your finals for the last two days of finals week...unless you want to kill yourself by midday on Friday. But its over now, and the tempo of my life has been reduced by like 75%. Last week was nonstop 10AM - 4AM, these next few weeks are going to be dead. But thats okay, I need a break, right? hehe Tomorrow is very exciting though, I get to go to the library and get like 50 books to try to entertain myself. hehe
Its funny though..I find myself very antisocial in many ways when I come here. As last summer dragged on I found it very difficult to talk to outside friends, especially most of my HB friends, because the more alone I felt, the more alone I seemed to want to feel. I withdrew into some weird little self pity world. But at the same time, I didn't want to associate too much with the people that I worked with. I probably could have hung out with some of them outside of work, but I just didn't want to. I don't want new friends when I'm here. I have plenty of friends, and just because I'm far away doesn't mean I need to try to replace my actual friends with these random people who I have nothing in common with. I mean, no offence to them, I actually met quite a few people there who were very nice, and maybe if I'd grown up here we would have been best friends, but I just didn't feel like I wanted to give them much of a chance. And now, my parents have this whole new "social life" that I've never seen them have before, which is good for them because they seem happier and at least my mom has people to talk to now, but at the same time they want me to be apart of it and I just don't feel comfortable. There's some Christmas party Friday night and they're both saying "it'll be fun, I know that so-and-so's son/daughter will be there." First of all, for some reason I'm just not that comfortable with most of the people that I've met from here yet, like most of my parents friends and so on.. I don't know why. I just don't feel like I have anything to talk about with any of these new people, so I always feel on the spot. Also, everyone who meets me is just like "ohh, you're Randell's daughter, I've heard so much about you! How's school? How's LA? blah blah blah" I'm surprised that they don't pinch my cheeks... But aside from that, I just don't care that much. Do I really want to meet so-and-so's son/daughter and realize that they're the greatest person ever and want to be lifelong friends with them? No. I'm here for three (long) weeks, but after that, I don't plan on being here much. I don't need yet another life to leave behind like I did all through elementary school and middle school. So the next couple weeks will be really boring, I admit it. And I also admit that its partly my own fault. But I'm making a conscious decision to be lonely, and at least I can admit that now. By the way, this isn't meant to be depressing or whiny like I tend to be in my journal. If you think about it, its actually kinda hopeful, because I'm saying that I will be alright. hehe Ohh, and I'm hoping that was coherent, because I can't guarantee that it would be...hehe
Random interjection time! I would just like to let everyone know that my roommate Stephanie is awesome! I'm really happy for her because she's dealing with a lot of things in her life right now and she's doing it really well! I'm so proud of you Steph, stay stong! :)
This morning I sucessfully avoided church by using the "I'm so tired...I haven't slept all week...please let me sleep in.." excuse. Which was true, but I also just didn't want to go. Part of it goes back to the whole not being comfortable around these people thing.. but also, I just don't really feel I'm in a very "religion"y place in my life right now. I don't know exactly what I believe, and I know I'm not the biggest fan of churches and youth groups, so I just don't really feel right there. And then, there's a Christmas party for the church Friday night, which I'm kinda dreading for all of the above reasons.. but it might be kinda nice because its up at the lake thats north of me and there will be snow there. Not that I have snow clothes, but I'll figure something out..hehe
As it turns out, Chris Isaak is playing at the House of Blues on January 8th. I wish I knew someone else who liked him! I soooo want to go...I think that would be the most awesomely cool thing ever. However, the more real possibility of the John Mayer/Maroon 5 concert would be pretty damn awesomely cool as well...hehe
(DISCLAIMER: the below paragraph is meant as a metaphor and is not meant to imply that I am not or have ever been a smoker. Thank you. :)
Parting thought: In order to break an addiction to a cigarettes, sometimes people do the cold turkey approach. They stop smoking completely, and although withdrawls can be really difficult and painful, if they are strong enough at the end they come out of it a better not addicted person. I hope I'm strong enough, because it is certainly time that I stopped smoking. I just wish that that last cigarette hadn't been so good...
and.......
....
......
DONE
Its funny though..I find myself very antisocial in many ways when I come here. As last summer dragged on I found it very difficult to talk to outside friends, especially most of my HB friends, because the more alone I felt, the more alone I seemed to want to feel. I withdrew into some weird little self pity world. But at the same time, I didn't want to associate too much with the people that I worked with. I probably could have hung out with some of them outside of work, but I just didn't want to. I don't want new friends when I'm here. I have plenty of friends, and just because I'm far away doesn't mean I need to try to replace my actual friends with these random people who I have nothing in common with. I mean, no offence to them, I actually met quite a few people there who were very nice, and maybe if I'd grown up here we would have been best friends, but I just didn't feel like I wanted to give them much of a chance. And now, my parents have this whole new "social life" that I've never seen them have before, which is good for them because they seem happier and at least my mom has people to talk to now, but at the same time they want me to be apart of it and I just don't feel comfortable. There's some Christmas party Friday night and they're both saying "it'll be fun, I know that so-and-so's son/daughter will be there." First of all, for some reason I'm just not that comfortable with most of the people that I've met from here yet, like most of my parents friends and so on.. I don't know why. I just don't feel like I have anything to talk about with any of these new people, so I always feel on the spot. Also, everyone who meets me is just like "ohh, you're Randell's daughter, I've heard so much about you! How's school? How's LA? blah blah blah" I'm surprised that they don't pinch my cheeks... But aside from that, I just don't care that much. Do I really want to meet so-and-so's son/daughter and realize that they're the greatest person ever and want to be lifelong friends with them? No. I'm here for three (long) weeks, but after that, I don't plan on being here much. I don't need yet another life to leave behind like I did all through elementary school and middle school. So the next couple weeks will be really boring, I admit it. And I also admit that its partly my own fault. But I'm making a conscious decision to be lonely, and at least I can admit that now. By the way, this isn't meant to be depressing or whiny like I tend to be in my journal. If you think about it, its actually kinda hopeful, because I'm saying that I will be alright. hehe Ohh, and I'm hoping that was coherent, because I can't guarantee that it would be...hehe
Random interjection time! I would just like to let everyone know that my roommate Stephanie is awesome! I'm really happy for her because she's dealing with a lot of things in her life right now and she's doing it really well! I'm so proud of you Steph, stay stong! :)
This morning I sucessfully avoided church by using the "I'm so tired...I haven't slept all week...please let me sleep in.." excuse. Which was true, but I also just didn't want to go. Part of it goes back to the whole not being comfortable around these people thing.. but also, I just don't really feel I'm in a very "religion"y place in my life right now. I don't know exactly what I believe, and I know I'm not the biggest fan of churches and youth groups, so I just don't really feel right there. And then, there's a Christmas party for the church Friday night, which I'm kinda dreading for all of the above reasons.. but it might be kinda nice because its up at the lake thats north of me and there will be snow there. Not that I have snow clothes, but I'll figure something out..hehe
As it turns out, Chris Isaak is playing at the House of Blues on January 8th. I wish I knew someone else who liked him! I soooo want to go...I think that would be the most awesomely cool thing ever. However, the more real possibility of the John Mayer/Maroon 5 concert would be pretty damn awesomely cool as well...hehe
(DISCLAIMER: the below paragraph is meant as a metaphor and is not meant to imply that I am not or have ever been a smoker. Thank you. :)
Parting thought: In order to break an addiction to a cigarettes, sometimes people do the cold turkey approach. They stop smoking completely, and although withdrawls can be really difficult and painful, if they are strong enough at the end they come out of it a better not addicted person. I hope I'm strong enough, because it is certainly time that I stopped smoking. I just wish that that last cigarette hadn't been so good...
and.......
....
......
DONE