For Vicki. Started as a comment.
First. Thank you for trusting me. I love you, really I do.
Second. I used to scratch out of habit. By habit I mean without my recognition. If I were to watch a movie with any kind of rape scene or anything remotely implying anything like that, I would start scratching whatever body part or item my hand happened to be resting on. I wouldn't even realize I was doing it until someone stopped me or pointed it out. I do it in my sleep sometimes too. It started years ago, like in middle school, and progressively got worse. When I sleep over at people's houses, I have to sleep either not touching them, clutching the blanket, or in a separate place completely because I've scratched other people before without realizing. It's how I used to handle anxiety I guess. Now it's less frequent because I've learned how to control it. Now I just do it if I need release.
I'm always self conscious when swimming with people or changing clothes or anything that requires large portions of my body to be seen because a. I'm not a fan of my body, and b. people aren't a fan of the scars on said body. But luckily, all of the friends that see most of my body know about the scars, so I don't have to worry about being judged. I'll never understand why cutting is held in the regard in which it is. People see self-inflicted cuts and automatically assume "OMG she wants to kill herself". If I wanted to kill myself, I would pick a quicker, less messy option. Cutting releases endorphins, it was even on House :) (why I love him? maybe.) That's irrelevant. Now it's a big deal because that girl from The Real World did it and people are worried about others seeing that and doing it too or something. While there are other means of coping that are "healthier" than self-destruction, very few (slim to none) of those ways are anywhere near as effective, imo. The only reason I don't do it as often as I used to is because I'm tired of lying to my mother and other people who don't want to hear that Jodie really fucking enjoys the friction of a blade against her skin. She doesn't want to kill herself. She probably doesn't want your "help". There are just some things that words can't even reach, and we all know how much I love words. That's enough masochism for this comment.
Third. Suicide. I think everyone thinks about it. And I think it's perfectly okay to do so. It's when it becomes an option that starts to upset me. I know there's nothing that I can do or say that you haven't already heard, and my intent is not to change your mind. My intent is to instill some hope. Yes, everything ends. Yes, life is unjust. Yes, sometimes the bad outweighs the good. But regardless of what situation you can encounter, unless you are in this completely alone, life can ALWAYS get worse. And it might. It usually gets worse before it gets better. But from every shitty situation I've seen (some in my personal life, some not) it HAS gotten better and those involved were able to smile again. I think we've all seen/experienced some of the most painful things human beings could ever be dealt. Despite what we've seen, we live. We breathe. We get the chance to wake up, and make choices, and learn, and love, and hurt, but feel. The best way to describe it is to see every waking moment as a privilege. I don't believe in luck. I don't believe that everything happens for a reason. But if we take everything that happens to us, from the smallest of mishaps to the biggest of "WTF" slap-in-the-face moments, if we take these and embrace them and shape them into something that teaches us how to appreciate something, anything, or to be wiser or even if it just teaches us not to be so quick to fall, or so quick to judge, then we've gone so much farther than a lot of people. Even if you just learn not to do it again, you've excelled.
The one quote I always think about when I question my existence, which is more often than I ever let show, was made by Dr. Manhattan in Watchmen. "Millions upon millions of cells compete to create life for generation after generation until, finally, your mother loves a man...out of that contradiction, against unfathomable odds, it's you - only you - that emerged, to distill so specific a form from all that chaos." (There was more to it, but those are the important parts.)
To distill so specific a form...there is literally NO ONE else like you. Only you form your thoughts and act and react and speak and expect and feel the way you do. I think that's so special. It sounds so corny "you're so special" but when you, or at least when I, think about it that way, it helps me wake up on my darkest days.
Positive outlooks don't come overnight, but it helps to try feeling hopeful and positive first and foremost while still being aware that you will eventually be shot down. The knowledge of which doesn't have to drive your existence. We are only who we allow ourselves to be, and we have so much more control than we realize.
Fourth. I can't make you love yourself. Only you can. I'm not gonna tell you you should, because who the hell am I to tell anyone how to live. I don't think happy should be something that needs to be worked for, but I know firsthand that sometimes it is. I know you can get through this. I know you're strong enough to do so. There's no doubt in my mind because I know you've probably gone through things equally as painful all by yourself, and right now you've got SO much support. I hope you take advantage of it. As for a reason, I can't give you that either. That's something you have to discover yourself. Some people think monetary wealth justifies life. Others think it's life experience. Some associate religion, or strive to be the best person, or work, or status, or education. While I do value a lot of those aspects, it's simple for me. What validates my existence is anytime I can make someone smile. Whether it's playing the few chords I know on a guitar for Maggie, or leaving a note on Danni's bedpost, or buying you a little birdie, or having my aunt tell me I give the best hugs ever, or even making a customer's drink exactly how they like it. It may sound silly, but it's so gratifying. It's probably even somewhat selfish, but there are much worse things I could be doing that fall under the title of 'selfish'.
I'm sorry if any of this was anything but helpful. I love you!
I didn't realize how long this was. I'm sorry if you got distracted while reading :/
Second. I used to scratch out of habit. By habit I mean without my recognition. If I were to watch a movie with any kind of rape scene or anything remotely implying anything like that, I would start scratching whatever body part or item my hand happened to be resting on. I wouldn't even realize I was doing it until someone stopped me or pointed it out. I do it in my sleep sometimes too. It started years ago, like in middle school, and progressively got worse. When I sleep over at people's houses, I have to sleep either not touching them, clutching the blanket, or in a separate place completely because I've scratched other people before without realizing. It's how I used to handle anxiety I guess. Now it's less frequent because I've learned how to control it. Now I just do it if I need release.
I'm always self conscious when swimming with people or changing clothes or anything that requires large portions of my body to be seen because a. I'm not a fan of my body, and b. people aren't a fan of the scars on said body. But luckily, all of the friends that see most of my body know about the scars, so I don't have to worry about being judged. I'll never understand why cutting is held in the regard in which it is. People see self-inflicted cuts and automatically assume "OMG she wants to kill herself". If I wanted to kill myself, I would pick a quicker, less messy option. Cutting releases endorphins, it was even on House :) (why I love him? maybe.) That's irrelevant. Now it's a big deal because that girl from The Real World did it and people are worried about others seeing that and doing it too or something. While there are other means of coping that are "healthier" than self-destruction, very few (slim to none) of those ways are anywhere near as effective, imo. The only reason I don't do it as often as I used to is because I'm tired of lying to my mother and other people who don't want to hear that Jodie really fucking enjoys the friction of a blade against her skin. She doesn't want to kill herself. She probably doesn't want your "help". There are just some things that words can't even reach, and we all know how much I love words. That's enough masochism for this comment.
Third. Suicide. I think everyone thinks about it. And I think it's perfectly okay to do so. It's when it becomes an option that starts to upset me. I know there's nothing that I can do or say that you haven't already heard, and my intent is not to change your mind. My intent is to instill some hope. Yes, everything ends. Yes, life is unjust. Yes, sometimes the bad outweighs the good. But regardless of what situation you can encounter, unless you are in this completely alone, life can ALWAYS get worse. And it might. It usually gets worse before it gets better. But from every shitty situation I've seen (some in my personal life, some not) it HAS gotten better and those involved were able to smile again. I think we've all seen/experienced some of the most painful things human beings could ever be dealt. Despite what we've seen, we live. We breathe. We get the chance to wake up, and make choices, and learn, and love, and hurt, but feel. The best way to describe it is to see every waking moment as a privilege. I don't believe in luck. I don't believe that everything happens for a reason. But if we take everything that happens to us, from the smallest of mishaps to the biggest of "WTF" slap-in-the-face moments, if we take these and embrace them and shape them into something that teaches us how to appreciate something, anything, or to be wiser or even if it just teaches us not to be so quick to fall, or so quick to judge, then we've gone so much farther than a lot of people. Even if you just learn not to do it again, you've excelled.
The one quote I always think about when I question my existence, which is more often than I ever let show, was made by Dr. Manhattan in Watchmen. "Millions upon millions of cells compete to create life for generation after generation until, finally, your mother loves a man...out of that contradiction, against unfathomable odds, it's you - only you - that emerged, to distill so specific a form from all that chaos." (There was more to it, but those are the important parts.)
To distill so specific a form...there is literally NO ONE else like you. Only you form your thoughts and act and react and speak and expect and feel the way you do. I think that's so special. It sounds so corny "you're so special" but when you, or at least when I, think about it that way, it helps me wake up on my darkest days.
Positive outlooks don't come overnight, but it helps to try feeling hopeful and positive first and foremost while still being aware that you will eventually be shot down. The knowledge of which doesn't have to drive your existence. We are only who we allow ourselves to be, and we have so much more control than we realize.
Fourth. I can't make you love yourself. Only you can. I'm not gonna tell you you should, because who the hell am I to tell anyone how to live. I don't think happy should be something that needs to be worked for, but I know firsthand that sometimes it is. I know you can get through this. I know you're strong enough to do so. There's no doubt in my mind because I know you've probably gone through things equally as painful all by yourself, and right now you've got SO much support. I hope you take advantage of it. As for a reason, I can't give you that either. That's something you have to discover yourself. Some people think monetary wealth justifies life. Others think it's life experience. Some associate religion, or strive to be the best person, or work, or status, or education. While I do value a lot of those aspects, it's simple for me. What validates my existence is anytime I can make someone smile. Whether it's playing the few chords I know on a guitar for Maggie, or leaving a note on Danni's bedpost, or buying you a little birdie, or having my aunt tell me I give the best hugs ever, or even making a customer's drink exactly how they like it. It may sound silly, but it's so gratifying. It's probably even somewhat selfish, but there are much worse things I could be doing that fall under the title of 'selfish'.
I'm sorry if any of this was anything but helpful. I love you!
I didn't realize how long this was. I'm sorry if you got distracted while reading :/