shit

[pixieofbubbles]

shit tends to be the only word coming to mind right now. so ... i wish i could make my journal a bit happier, but its gonna be pretty depressing for a while. first off... my mother wants to kill me. not just physically, but mentally too. her twisted thought process (though it times it does make sense to me and i just feel like i am the horrible person she makes me out to be) tends to end up punishing me for most everything. along with this she told me that my best friend has been a bad influence on me, that she is glad she is going to college far away, and that she doesnt care if i ever see her again. oh, and i have to break up with my boyfriend, since im not allowed to date and theres no reason for him to date me if i cant even talk to him. what an encouraging and supportive mother, eh? oh dont get me wrong my mom can be ok at times. she means well, usually, but it tends to come out the wrong way. even so, she has no right to try and control my life this way. lately i entertained the idea of running away, but realized she would just find me, bring me home and hate me for the rest of both of our lives. not to mention i have no where to go. i was going to buy a plane ticket, and money for a temporary place to stay, but also realize i cant get into my bank account with out my mom to sign off on it. i temporarily thought about suicide, but thats just stupid and not worth it. besides one more year and im out of this family. though i did realize something very cool. my brother is actually very proud of me. he thinks very highly of me. that made me genuinely happy. although my brother and i have never had a close relationship (or one at all really) it was kind of shocking to find out that he admired me. it was actually pretty funny. anywho, that was basically my day yesterday. sounds fun eh?

to all of my friends i love you all dearly
especially you, "green fortune" and dont worry, i dont care what my mother says i will always be your best friend. (on a somewhat funny note, i yelled at her on your defense. thats right. i raised my voice. for the first time. it felt great!)

i love you

all of you