I need a real journal
I remember in high school an aquintance refering to me as "ambiguously mysterious." I was completely caught off gaurd. I always knew I was quiet and shy, but really, I had no idea, that I was MYSTERIOUS. Yeah, I hate people to know too much information about my life, call it a complex if you will, only thwarted by those horrible CSI shows where practically anyone with a government stamp on his wrist can find out the most miniscule information about your entire existence within the snap of a finger. Yeah, that freaks me out, sure I may have some really weird complex about the fact that it freaks me out to immense porportions, but really, does it make me all that mysterious. I had never really let the details all click before, and I don't want to doll in the past or anything of that liking, but I trully understand how the friggen hell I annoy people now. No one can look into my eyes, not even me, and understand my thoughts. I refuse to believe there is a higher power simply because of the fact that it scares the shit out of me that this power is "all-knowing." Really, if people knew I had a fear of losing ambiguity, I would freak out. I don't want people to know me. And I think that is the kicker. I want the closeness that comes with a relationship, but I just cannot handle the trust factor. Where did I ever gain such a demented sense of the world and lose trust of everyone around me. gah, well I have a big day tomorrow. I think I am just freaked out because I am going to start living with someone, and well that is scary.